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  • Not getting any.

    My gf and I have been together for a little over a year. We have a very good relationship and we both talk about how we'd like to eventually get married. Only thing is, you can count the number of times we've fooled around with each other one two hands.

    I've tried on several occasions to talk to her about how this frustrates me. She'll say agree with me and we'll talk about how we should do that more often, we'll go down on each other that night, but then nothing will happen for like another month. I try to initiate it all the time and she always either tired, or has some other excuse like its too late or me can't be loud for what ever reason etc.

    The only reason that this is particularly mind boggling for me is that when we do get around around to it, its incredible. I know for a fact that neither one of us walks away disappointed.

    I feel like she's dating me for every other reason except anything sexual. I'm close to breaking up with her over this because its just fucking stupid. I don't understand how she can enjoy it so much but just act like she doesn't even notice that we're practically celibate. Any suggestions?

  • #2
    Re: Not getting any.

    Describe the process of how you initiate on a typical day when it fails because of an obviously contrived excuse. It might just be a mindset thing. Foreplay doesn't start when you're initiating... think of it as starting hours before, just very subtly.
    %0|%0

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    • #3
      Re: Not getting any.

      Well say were watching tv on the couch, I'll be making her laugh and stuff and we'll be joking around and we'll slowly start to get more physical, but it just doesn't go beyond that point very often. We'll maybe makeout for a little bit but then she'll be like I want to watch tv, or I'll try to move things along and she'll just be like 'no.'

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      • #4
        Re: Not getting any.

        I'm assuming shes a virgin? Because it sounds like she's scared to let herself go. Maybe she has guilt from it and feels bad for doing it, even though she does like it. She might still have that little voice in her head that says "I like it but I prolly shouldnt do this."

        If she is experienced from the past, however, maybe she made some bad choices with an ex and is trying not to do that again. When you guys talk about it, don't say "why cant we do this," ask instead "What would you wanna do that you like? Do you like it when I do this? Is there a reason you don't wanna do this-or-that?"

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        • #5
          Re: Not getting any.

          Dont misconstrue this, but you need to learn how to seduce her. Seduction begins with a whisper and a touch. Through out the day you should be teasing her with your words and actions. Advance then step back. Its noy a game but a dance between two partners.

          She may not know how to 'dance' in which case you will need to bring to show her how by bringing out the woman in her.

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          • #6
            Re: Not getting any.

            I could have written that post 25 years ago. I wish I'd understood the things I've learned the hard way since. Patience is a virtue, but it can also lead to a life of frustration.

            My wife and I are the best of friends and partners in life in all aspects but one. We share most interests and passions, see eye to eye on most of the Big Issues (parenting, household mgmnt, career, leisure time, lifestyle, etc.) and generally get on like a house on fire. But from day one, it was fairly evident that there was something of a gap separating us on the sexual front. She was always a lot less interested in sex than I was. Now, I knew from our very open communications that she was no prude before we got together and that it was not a case of mis-matched libido. We talked endlessly about it and there was always an explanation: She wanted to go slow because this was a "serious" relationship; the sex is great when we have it, so why obsess about frequency?; Stress; Too tired; etc. etc..

            Over time, even my dim-witted self finally got to the truth of the matter. She married her buddy and partner, not a lover. She eventually admitted, about fifteen years into the relationship, that she was never as intensely attracted to me as she had been to her previous lovers. The guys who turned her on were all "bad boys" and they made lousy long term relationship material, so she simply decided to downgrade her sexual expectations in order to meet her other criteria for a husband. In her mind this was a perfectly valid compromise.

            If I sound like a victim in this, and I certainly often do feel like one, I know I have only myself to blame. I was so smitten with everything else in the relationship - just like her - that I kept convincing myself that I could "bring her 'round". I was wrong and I've paid a very dear price. By the time the fog cleared out of my head and I saw what was happening for what it really was, I'd built a life around this woman, kids and all. Not something easily unravelled.

            Be clear with her about your expectations. Ask her to be completely honest with you and, if what you hear makes sense and holds up, accept it for what it is. Just don't kid yourself into thinking that you can change the leopard's spots.

            The voice you're hearing comes from the other end of the tunnel and it's not a happy place.

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            • #7
              Re: Not getting any.

              That was one hell of an interesting post man, thanks for sharing, honestly.
              ~

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              • #8
                Re: Not getting any.

                Very nice post there and welcome to the boards BoxerBoy!!!!
                It's funny how these "wow, I just discovered toys!" posts come up every so often. It makes me feel like we're running a spirituality forum, and we're getting our version of the "wow, I just discovered God!"posts.
                -Deidre

                Our safety word is 'STOP STALKING ME YOU PERVERT!' She says it every time I come over.DevilDog

                I dont like being an unknown quantity!!!!11one

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                • #9
                  Re: Not getting any.

                  Sometimes I really do want to watch TV and am just irritated by advances. A year though; that seems a bit harsh. Perhaps BoxerBoy is right, and she's just not interested in you that way.

                  ^^ welcome to the forums BB -- I agree with the others and thank you for a good post there.
                  FREE SHOCKA




                  Surviving Forum Apolocalypses Since 2000

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                  • #10
                    Re: Not getting any.

                    Whoa. Good thing I read that at such an early age!

                    Still a virgin though, I don't know what all the fuss is about having sex frequently.

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                    • #11
                      Re: Not getting any.

                      Thanks to all for the welcome.

                      There really doesn't have to be much a of a fuss about frequent sex, Gezus. The key is to be on the same page. Libidos vary from person to person and it ain't just men out there who are feeling short changed (or pestered).

                      What can't be glossed over, though, is when there is a fundamental mismatch in terms of attraction and reasons for choosing your partner. In my case, my partner made a conscious trade-off between her sexual satisfaction and the other things she needed in a relationship. I don't think there is necessarily anything fundamentally wrong with that, though it strikes me as risky. Over time, people who make that bargain may realize that they were trading away something more valuable than they first realized. More importantly, as in my case, not being up front about that choice leaves the partner living in a lopsided relationship they hadn't really bargained for (at least not explicitly). That's a recipe for disappointment and resentment. We've made it work well enough, but it often feels like we're driving home with one headlight and a flat tire.

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                      • #12
                        Re: Not getting any.

                        if you are becoming frustrated through patience, you my friend, are not patient.

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