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Dumped because of no sex (caused by anxiety)

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  • Dumped because of no sex (caused by anxiety)

    I'm going to start by saying that I've always battled anxiety issues. I've more or less grown out of it, but there are still some remnants that cause me some problems now and again.

    I was dating a woman last fall for a few months. It was a case of opposites attract, and I knew that it wouldn't work out in the long run, but because we got along so incredibly well, I felt the need to explore the option.

    As it turns out, she is one of the most sexually aggressive women that I've ever met and probably ever will meet in my life. She is very much the "sex-positive" type and into several kinky things such as ropes, ball-gags, dom/sub, etc... I myself am quite reserved when it comes to sex and also relatively inexperienced in comparison to her. This completely intimidated me to the point that the anxiety would come back whenever there was a chance to make a move with her. I would freeze up and could tell that I wouldn't be able to perform. I wouldn't tell her the issue because I was just too embarrassed.

    She broke it off after three months. She said she thought our world views (not political views) were a little too different and thought that there was a chemistry disconnect, basically eluding to the fact that we hadn't had sex yet. We get along so incredibly well though that we have made a point of staying friends. This has been going well because we have this great intellectual connection. It is actually one of the things that attracted her to me.

    I've been thinking about this for the past couple of months and am not happy with the anxiety having cost me a potentially great relationship with a really great woman. I actually went to a doctor who confirmed that the performance problems were anxiety-induced and even prescribed some "little blue pills" for next time to help get things started!

    Here's the question. Would it be worth asking her if she wanted to give it another go, including being fully honest and explain the anxiety, performance issues, and doctor's visit? As I said before, we are different enough where I don't know if it would work in the long run, but I am not happy that this anxiety issue cost me this relationship. It would ultimately just be about sex because of that.

    Or, should I write it off and just be grateful that I at least addressed the issue and am better prepared for the next time around?




  • #2
    Cailean No, I don't think you should ask her if she wants to give it another go. Her aggressiveness should be paired with an aggressive man whom you are not. Both of you are incompatible. She wasn't meant for you.

    Be patient and a woman who is non-aggressive and non-kinky will be more your type. The aggressive woman isn't the only woman in the world for you.
    "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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    • #3
      Not sure about giving it another go because of how intimidated you felt with her. I think you should be completely honest with her though. Talk it all out. Tell her what happened and how you felt. It might help clear a path for you both.
      I say it as I see it. Don't take it personally!

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      • #4
        Or, should I write it off and just be grateful that I at least addressed the issue and am better prepared for the next time around?
        I vote for this ^^^

        Find someone who isn't going to scare the hard on out of you and you won't need the little blue pills and you'll be better off with someone who you are more compatible with sexually. You are not Dom nor should you be her Sub. Getting into that culture when you suffer from anxiety will be the death of you.
        "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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        • #5
          I should probably clarify... it's not that she intimidated me in general. It was only regarding her sexual experience. The honest truth is that because of my lack of experience, I feel like I have some repressed sexual desires that she actually could help me out with, although I'm pretty sure I could do without the dom/sub thing! I do like the idea of talking it out without any expectations with her. She is a very open and honest person in general, regarding various things that I would probably never be open about myself. She's out of town for the next few weeks though, which gives me plenty of time to think this over, so please keep the opinions and advice coming. Although I suppose that also gives me lots of time to dwell over this too.

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          • #6
            Originally posted by Cailean View Post
            I should probably clarify... it's not that she intimidated me in general. It was only regarding her sexual experience. The honest truth is that because of my lack of experience, I feel like I have some repressed sexual desires that she actually could help me out with, although I'm pretty sure I could do without the dom/sub thing! I do like the idea of talking it out without any expectations with her. She is a very open and honest person in general, regarding various things that I would probably never be open about myself. She's out of town for the next few weeks though, which gives me plenty of time to think this over, so please keep the opinions and advice coming. Although I suppose that also gives me lots of time to dwell over this too.
            I repeat... lose her number. She is not a good match for you no matter how you try to spin it in your own head or here on the forum to us.

            What you do is up to you but you've asked for opinions and if you read this as if it was someone you love getting involved with someone who was into Dom/Sub dynamics, what would you tell them if they had the same inexperience and anxiety that you do? Stop thinking with your little head and use logic to bring you to a conclusion as to what you should do.

            She's called off any sexual/romantic ties to you so why stick around continue with the OCD thinking on this and her?
            "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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            • #7
              One more thing that I want to add; If it wasn't for how well me and her get along and the intellectual connection (we both find intelligence HIGHLY attractive), this wouldn't be an issue and wouldn't be contemplating anything here.

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              • #8
                I doubt that the ''sexually aggressive'' woman is going to leap back into your arms if you come clean and tell her you were too scared to shag her. The chances of her (and most women I imagine) appreciating that are slim.

                I agree with Phases that if she did get back with you, you could be opening yourself up for a load more anxiety issues.

                I guess it depends on a few things - if you think you can get a grip on your anxiety, if you think she's mature enough to handle it properly, etc.

                But to be honest, since you say you've battled with anxiety issues all your life, I think you should look for a partner who helps to reduce that, not someone who piles more on.



                Last edited by whatshappeningreg; January 22nd, 2019, 12:16 PM.
                Just because someone's by your side, it doesn't mean they're on your side.

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                • #9
                  To the OP:
                  You mentioned you still are keeping in touch with her and still have great conversations. I'm assuming you spend time in person together. I'd say it depends on your friendship(your comfort levels with each other) and whether it's appropriate to talk about such a subject (ie I am hoping that neither of you have partners or are in other relationships). If it's not inappropriate and you both feel comfortable, I don't see why not. You both have got nothing to lose and all you've got is your pride which, let's be honest, sort of took a beating. I personally don't think your performance issues are such a big deal and it's more common than you think. People (men and women) aren't robots. You shouldn't feel so ashamed or beaten for those times things didn't work out. Give yourself a pat on the back and lighten up a little. What it means is that you were engaged emotionally and you did care deeply. Those are wonderful experiences that not everyone feels with every connection or with someone they're dating.

                  For those reasons, I'd say go for it and don't be afraid. Provided again you're both single and you sense your comfort levels are both there, don't be afraid to be your authentic self and live as yourself. Don't jump to conclusions about anyone wanting to be with anyone and don't jump the gun about her either. Focus on being you! The worst thing you could ever do is silence what you are. Good luck.

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                  • #10
                    Thanks. I'm actually taking a bit of a communication break from her right now. She's going out of town next week for the next couple of weeks, so that will help. When we initially broke it off, we ended it by saying that we'd stay friends. I kind of took it as just what you say, but not what you did. She initiated contact with me again 10 days later, so I just haven't had the chance to get a proper perspective on things until just recently. That's probably part of the reason for the delayed reaction on my part.

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                    • #11
                      I wouldn't bring it up, in that case. It should feel natural. Don't doubt yourself so much. Go with the flow and see how it pans out. Besides, if she doesn't take it well, you have your answer. You both weren't that great conversationalists together in the first place and not on those comfort levels. Why would you want to be with someone so sensitive or awkward? Just be yourself. Things will unfold for the better. Try not to be overly focused about what you think you should have or how a situation ought to be. Just be comfortable.

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                      • #12
                        Our lives seem to be merging in a weird sort of way. I'll spare you the details, but it honestly looks like we would have met at some point no matter what. It also doesn't take much to turn the conversation to sex with her (as I've said before, she is very open about that subject). When I last saw her, it came up twice (the topic that is... :-p). I'm confident that there will be an opportunity to talk when I'm ready for it. You are right though - I think the key issue here really is communication.

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                        • #13
                          Good! Enjoy. You should sense whether she's genuine. If you don't feel good, just dust yourself off and move on. I'd stay away from over-romanticized thoughts about fate or meeting each other anyway. Let it prove itself to be what it really is.

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                          • #14
                            A general practitioner shouldn't be judging your lack of performance hang ups and falsely giving you the sense that medicine designed to overcome blood flow problems to the penis is going to set everything right. Viagra and other ED meds don't cure neurosis. If you and she had an attraction, why didn't it just lead to sex rather than her giving you a laundry list of her sexual past and wildest fantasies? I for one wouldn't want to know and would have made a move to make it all academic if you know what I mean--show me don't tell me. Be careful what you tell yourself, you might just believe it. Your issue is not likely to be blood flow. Try a mental health professional or just try to have a go with her without obsessing.

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