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Intimacy Lost....Concerned Guy here

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  • Intimacy Lost....Concerned Guy here

    My fiancee and I have been together for over 5 years. We have enjoyed an absolutely wonderful relationship, full of togetherness, happiness, and openness. We have never strayed from one another and do very well in both our personal and professional lives.

    Our love life has been hands-down the best I have ever experienced in my life, and we respect one another’s boundaries and love to push the envelope together, never alone. Over the past year or so, however, there have been dramatic changes in our love life and unfortunately not for the better.

    My fiancée has gained about 25 pounds and has developed some body image/self esteem issues but she is absolutely gorgeous to me and everyone that sees her. I do everything I can to show her how she makes me feel in every way. For the first few years of the relationship, she was generally the one pushing/initiating more sex, and would sometimes show frustration if I was too tired from a long day, etc. I was always fascinated by her insatiable appetite for sex with me and it made me feel so confident as well. Seeing her passion and mine together sent her over the top every time. It was the best.

    Still, over the past year, something has happened with her and everything has changed---now I am the one “pushing” for sex or foreplay of any kind. What used to be intimacy 3-4 nights per week is now maybe 1-2 times per MONTH. I have been open with her and told her that I was concerned about our lack of intimacy over the past year or so and have seen in progressively dwindling. People joke that when they get married the sex goes away—I feel like we’re already there to be honest. When I talk about this, she gets very defensive and it always ends up turning into an argument and blame game. She wants me to be open and honest and always tell her what I am thinking or concerned about, which I do, but now it has become that I feel guilty for telling her I want more sexual intimacy. I have asked her what I could do to help the situation. Each time it’s the same answers such as “I don’t feel good,” or “I’m too tired,” etc. Again, when I bring up the lack of intimacy she tells me that all I ever do is think about sex and that’s all I care about. I told her that couldn’t be further from the truth, but that the only aspect in our relationship that I think needs to get back to where it was is our romantic life. Then I get the “Well I’m sorry I’m just not good enough for you.” It has taken a psychological toll on me. I see a therapist and have suggested we see a therapist as a couple to see what we can do to rectify this problem as we head into marriage soon. I wonder if she is unattracted to me (she says no), is she seeing someone else (she says no), or is this simply a drought or something else?

    The frustrating thing that also gets me is she has told me time and time again how she used to wear corsets under her work clothes b/c she loved how sexy they made her feel, and would always tell me about her previous sex-capades and toys she was into/had before she “matured” and met me. I asked her to maybe surprise me with something sexy or maybe I’d surprise her with something sexy instead—In 5 years I can count on one hand how many times she’s donned this lingerie for me or used toys in the bedroom, despite my trying to introduce these things. I am at a loss and seriously don’t know what to do. For the past three nights we have had dinner and discussed kinky thoughts to spice up our sex life. At dinner 2 nights ago she said she couldn’t wait to get me home and have her way with me. Not 5 minutes after we were home she was in bed in sweatpants and a t-shirt and said she was too tired. When I brought up our recent dinner conversation, it became a heated argument and she told me to just do it myself.

    Any thoughts from any men or women or couples on how I/we need to proceed? I worry there’s someone else but I am naturally paranoid. It’s just been such a dramatic shift over the past year and the trend continues to go downward. And why previously would she wear lingerie and use toys with other men and extremely rarely with me? Any help would be appreciated!!

  • #2
    agentsandmilf Try to get healthy together, workout together, take walks, exercise, join a gym, help her shed the pounds, cook healthy food together and be supportive regarding her weight loss. Once she feels more self-confident and has higher self esteem not to mention better physical health, hopefully it will spill over to her sound mind.
    "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."


    • #3
      Why is she your fiancé and not your wife?


      • #4
        We are getting married in a few months. Been engaged for close to a year while saving for the wedding. Nonjer reason than that and the logistics with planning it.


        • #5
          She gained a little weight which makes her feel a little self conscious. You are making her feel worse by making the little lack of sex into a bigger problem than it is. It's normal for sex to wane a little the longer you are together. Stop suggesting therapists because you're clearly just pissing her off. It won't go back to 4 times a week I'm afraid so just accept it and stop getting on her case. I think chanelle is right, get healthy, go for nice walks and work out together. She'll soon feel better about herself.
          I say it as I see it. Don't take it personally!