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Is there a term for this or is it all part of Asexuality?

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  • Is there a term for this or is it all part of Asexuality?

    I've been with my husband for 6 years and early on after he had gone to therapy did we learn that he was someone who identified as being on the asexual spectrum. It was a long process of understanding for the two of us; we had many conversations on what we thought was important in a relationship and why we still wanted to invest in one another. We tried opening up the marriage thinking that it would solve all of our problems but it didn't so we went back to being monogamous.

    As I became more informed and did a lot of self-work, I realised that sex was only a minor issue to the real needs that weren't being met for me. I could very well carry on having sex once or twice a year but I couldn't handle a lack of physical contact, verbal affection and empathy.

    It wasn't until I teased apart my needs and asked why I had them, did I realize who I was and who he wasn't.

    Here's a list of the things that are important to me:
    - someone who says I love you
    - someone who is playful or flirtatious verbally and physically
    - someone who verbalises appreciation for my actions, looks, personality or achievements
    - someone who will kiss, hug, holds hands with, sits really close to you or cuddles with you
    - someone who doesn't see the need to want to rely on one another as a weakness (for example, he wants you to be independent to the extent that he won't take care of you if you're sick or take time off work just to drive you to the hospital)

    Everything listed above he has an unwillingness to do or compromise on because it's not his nature. I don't want him to be anything other than authentic to himself but it leaves me compromising on who I am in order to shut down any need for romantic connection. Ideally, we'd both meet in the middle but this seems to be the biggest resistance.

    I was wondering if there was a term for this difference in needs/behaviour so I can understand better on whether compromise is possible for us or if we should accept our differences and separate. All in all, I want us to be happy and live life to our fullest potential, together or otherwise. Thanks!

  • #2
    Only one word comes to my mind: incompatibility.

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    • #3
      ^^^^^^^^ Exactly
      "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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      • #4
        I'm going to agree with the above posters.

        Just because he is a certain way, doesn't mean you should just accept that. Some people aren't meant to be together...
        You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf

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        • #5
          He might be apathetic or aromantic or both along with asexual.

          But who cares about defining it.
          It isn’t working for you so it doesn’t matter what you label it.

          Ultimately , it is as said incompatibility.

          What are you going to do about getting YOUR needs met?
          How far are you willing to go just to remain “married” ?

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          • #6
            I agree with all the others. Sounds like you are incompatible. Especially if you've been trying to work at it for 6 years with little success.

            I bet you wish you had thought about your needs before getting married!
            Just because someone's by your side, it doesn't mean they're on your side.

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