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Is sexual incompatibility a deal breaker in long term relationships?

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  • Is sexual incompatibility a deal breaker in long term relationships?

    Hello all!

    I am a 29 year old female who has been in a
    relationship with my 28 year old boyfriend for 5 years.
    Lately I've been having a debilitating struggle with our sexual
    relationship. Our love life is almost non existent and it seems to only be affecting me.
    I don't know if I'm hypersexual or if the lack of intimacy is causing me to think about it more than I should.
    I've tried speaking with him about it and it only leads to awkwardness and him being depressed.
    I've researched the best I could and can only attribute his lack of interest with depression, stress and his drinking.
    However, with him not being willing to seek help with these issues, am I just stuck?
    I know this is a common topic but I could really use some advice.

  • #2
    Hi I understand completely were you coming from. Im in the exact same position with my girlfriend of 5 years. We have had no intimacy for the past two years and she seems so okay with it even though she knows its killing me and worries me. She keeps on saying that we okay and shes happy with me but I just cant feel upset and depressed at how we ended up here at this moment.

    Comment


    • #3
      Is it a deal breaker for you?
      Doesnt really matter what anyone else’s opinion is.

      Comment


      • #4
        I mean I honestly don't know. It's something that bothers me daily but I love him.
        I understand the decision ultimately is my own,
        but having others relay similar experiences might shed some light on options that work for both of us.

        Comment


        • #5
          Its really tough Im not going to lie but from my own experience, i thought it was just a phase and look at me now, 2 years later and its still the same

          Comment


          • #6

            I instigate, make myself available to him.
            He claims it's his fault, he's too tired or stressed, but that he's still very much attracted to me.

            He watches porn and jerks off every single morning before work. Every. Single. Morning.
            I honestly wouldn't have a problem with him satisfying himself if that's easier,
            or even watching porn often...
            If we were still having sex.

            I feel like I'm being replaced. Like he can't wait to jump out of bed to satisfy himself without me.
            I've been super open, telling him I was aware of his habits
            and that I wasn't trying to call him out or make him feel guilty but to just come to some sort of compromise.
            If you're too tired in the morning to have sex, let me give you a blowjob.
            Or if it's the porn that you need to get off, watch it in bed with me so I can watch you and maybe
            get off myself too.

            I don't know if I made it so awkward for him that at this point it's too late,
            or if he's addicted to watching porn and sex with me just doesn't cut it anymore.

            I just don't know what my options are with him that don't involve going to counseling (he doesn't want to)
            or breaking up with him. (I certainly don't want to)

            Comment


            • #7
              Offering to give him a bj if he's too tired for sex is an act of service and kindness and normally someone who is sexually frustrated (needs to get off) wouldn't say something like that. I'm sensing that you're not receiving enough affection in this relationship and are hurt by the dwindling physical affection. The pain is in your heart and you really are suffering from lack of enough affection and love. Does he do anything else to show you how much he loves you (outside of the bedroom)? You mentioned he has a lot of stress and may be depressed. What is he doing to resolve those issues or treat them?

              You've also mentioned that he drinks and if it wasn't a concern, you wouldn't have mentioned it (most people drink even if it's just socially). Drinking has long term and short term effects and can potentially ruin your plans together the next day though. It can be all-consuming. Is this what's happening? And if so, does he recognize this?

              You both don't seem like you're compatible but it's due to a host of issues not entirely related (or confined) to the bedroom.

              Comment


              • #8
                My guess is he's addicted to porn and masturbation and having sex is just too much trouble now.

                If you don't want to leave him then why not get your own therapy to figure out why you stay with someone that is apathetic to you and your needs? Maybe if you figure that out, you'll not view what you have with him as "love" but rather just addiction to having him in your life which you can easily get over with cold turkey withdrawl through zero contact.
                "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by Surgicalprince View Post
                  I instigate, make myself available to him.
                  He claims it's his fault, he's too tired or stressed, but that he's still very much attracted to me.

                  He watches porn and jerks off every single morning before work. Every. Single. Morning.
                  I honestly wouldn't have a problem with him satisfying himself if that's easier,
                  or even watching porn often...
                  If we were still having sex.

                  I feel like I'm being replaced. Like he can't wait to jump out of bed to satisfy himself without me.
                  I've been super open, telling him I was aware of his habits
                  and that I wasn't trying to call him out or make him feel guilty but to just come to some sort of compromise.
                  If you're too tired in the morning to have sex, let me give you a blowjob.
                  Or if it's the porn that you need to get off, watch it in bed with me so I can watch you and maybe
                  get off myself too.

                  I don't know if I made it so awkward for him that at this point it's too late,
                  or if he's addicted to watching porn and sex with me just doesn't cut it anymore.

                  I just don't know what my options are with him that don't involve going to counseling (he doesn't want to)
                  or breaking up with him. (I certainly don't want to)
                  He's a slave to pornography. You don't want pornography in your bedroom or anywhere near your boyfriend. It does no good for relationships! Read slow. It-does-no-good.

                  Ask yourself some questions.

                  Do you want him for life?
                  Do you see him as your husband?
                  Do you see him as a father of your children?

                  These may give you a fine direction in life. Don't walk in life lost. And it would not be wrong to ask your partner this. It seems that you live together, so you are basically married.

                  You want pornography out of his life, I promise you. Pornography is not a friend. It divides! Or worse, turn into sickening and vicious acts! Dark criminal.

                  Don't be accepting his pornography addiction. You don't want to live with someone who is addicted to it. It's a horrible drug.

                  Imagine a married couple. Husband has wife. Wife has husband. No third person. Not a screen. Not a live body. They have each other! I love You, says wife. I love You, says husband. I want you. I want you.

                  Pornography is a cheap substitute. A lie! And a cruel drug.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Here are my observations after having been through similar issues with some boyfriends in the past.
                    First of all I think that talking about it only makes things worse with the majority of men. They tend to take any criticism about their sexual performance, no matter how subtly it is being served very very personally unless they are super evolved and switched on individuals. On the other hand even if he accepts and understands your concern, it s never as easy as that to change something as complex as sexuality from one moment to the other, otherwise the problem wouldn t be there on the first place.
                    The fact that he s watching porn every morning is a major red flag that something is not working for you. It shows that he craves sexual release and stimulation but he choses to get it elsewhere. Telling him not to watch porn won t work either in my opinion. The safest way to make people obsess about something is to tell them not to do it. From my experience whenever these patterns emerge it s usually time to call it a day. I don t doubt that he may love you and care about you in his way and I understand that it s very hard to apply logic and common sense when you ve lived with someone long enough to form deep emotional attachments but hey, he s 28,he apparently has a healthy sex drive but by the looks of it his sexual interest in you is fading. It has NOTHING to do with you, the same would happen if he was with someone else no matter how hot and desirable he initially found them so don t blame yourself. Sexual desire unfortunately has a self life for a lot of people. You can never predict how long it will last and this is one of the most talked about/researched incompatibility issues. Now, if you love him, want to put him on the test and can maintain composure, I d say let him be completely for a month or two. Don t initiate sex, don t mention anything, even deny sex to him. Mirroring is one if the most powerful psychological techniques but very few of us have the patience or strength to apply it. If you don t want to waste time waiting to see what happens or energy discussing and stressing then unfortunately you may have to leave him. Good luck whatever you do.

                    Comment

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