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Girlfriend psychologicaly blocking during sex

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  • Girlfriend psychologicaly blocking during sex

    I registered on this forum to get the input of women on a problem my girlfriend an I are having for the past few months:

    I have been living with her for nearly two years now (after one year of long distance relationship I moved from the US back to France, my country of origin, to be with her. I moved in with her right away). She is my first sexual partner, but she is not really into sex. The first year we were having sex about once a month, or even less. In January of this year we moved from France to UK as she got a new job there. Since we moved, we haven't had sex at all (so it's been 8 months).

    When we talked about it a couple of months ago, she said it's because I don't provoke it. And that was true: I was so used to her saying "no" that I thought "if she's in the mood she'll tell me." Adding that to her low sex drive and the stress of moving to another country and changing job, and there you go: it just stopped. So I restarted trying to provoke it and a few times we ended up cuddling, undressing, but it always stopped after 2min: I would do something she didn't like and that would turning her off (things as simple as "your beard is ticklish", when I was kissing her neck, would turn her off). Every single time, something different: I was not touching the right place, I was not kissing the right way... I tried to understand what she likes and what she doesn't like but those things change from one time to the next. I started to feel guilty of lacking experience, and she started to feel guilty as well because overall what I was doing wasn't different from back when we were having sex, she was simply blocking at the smallest thing. So far she attributed that to the high amount of stress caused by her work, leading to her being unable to focus on her pleasure.

    Yesterday we finally managed to get to penetration but we started in a position in which we knew I couldn't finish. As soon as I got out to change position, she blocked, and couldn't continue. We had to stop.

    So I would really like to hear other women's input on such an issue, and what can help (anything from activities make her more relaxed to possibly seeing a specialist).

    Thanks!
    Last edited by sunmat; September 3rd, 2018, 06:59 AM.

  • #2
    I see 3 possible explanations here:

    1. She's asexual. She doesn't enjoy sex, never has, never will. It's a chore for her, something she does only to please you, but as soon as she has a decent excuse to get out of it, she'll use it.
    2. She's not (or no longer) physically attracted to you, but still loves you and doesn't want to end the relationship.
    3. You're not sexually compatible. Your personal 'style' doesn't match hers, so sex becomes a nuisance to her

    If you'd had a vibrant sex life at the start, I'd add a few options (like being stuck in a rut, or her having an affair), but that seems unlikely since she was never very sexually active.
    Do you know if she had sexual partners before you? And if so, did she have an active sex life with them?

    It really sounds to me like she's brushing you off with silly excuses. I get the feeling she really doesn't enjoy sex with you. That doesn't necesarily mean you're doing anything wrong.
    If seeing a sex therapist is an option, I'd really advise you to give that a try.
    You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf

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    • #3
      Had you ever met her in person to determine whether there was any chemistry prior to moving in with her?
      Or did you just have an online relationship for one year and then expected the rest would come naturally?

      Im also thinking along the same lines as Ayla.
      Asexual, maybe?
      There never was any real physical attraction once having met in person yet a year of invested emotions? And a commitment of sort to live with each other, so pressure to remain in the relationship?
      Sexual compatibility is not to be underestimated. I dated a guy for a short time once and despite the fact that I was very attracted to him and vice versa, when it came to sex, it just didnít work! So we called it a day. But he was hot! Damn lol

      Moving country and job might very well be stressful but hardly a reason to not have sex 8 months later!
      And a low sex drive generally doesnít mean sex once a year.

      Have you ever given her a massage? I mean low lighting, scented candles , pouring her a hot bath , without it leading to sex?

      You said you managed to get to penetration in a position you both knew you couldnít finish in.
      But was it pleasurable for her? As soon as you went to change position , it was obviously so that you could finish. But was she finished? Are you perhaps being somewhat selfish ?
      Has she ever had an orgasm with you? Does she masturbate? Do you know what it takes for her to orgasm?

      Comment


      • #4
        We knew each other before having a long-distance relationship: we used to be coworkers in France, then I moved to the US. We kept in touch and after a while realized there was some emotional chemistry between us (we were calling each other pretty much every other day, despite 7 hours of time difference). I went to visit her once and that's when we realized there was also physical attraction, so we decided to start a long-distance relationship until I could move back to France or she could move to the US. This took longer than we thought (about a year).

        She had a boyfriend before, whom she admitted also complained about her low sex drive. She said sex also sort of died after a year, with him.

        I don't think she is asexual though: she admitted to masturbating from time to time, although not much lately. But she is very unaware of sex-related things (until recently she thought a man could not get soft without having an orgasm, for example). As for sexual compatibility, I'm not sure we have experienced enough together to tell. For instance, we still haven't tried oral (she wants us to get tested for STDs first, which we keep postponing because of our busy work schedules).

        I give her massages from time to time, that turned her on once, but usually it's not something that does.

        As for yesterday, I don't know if it was pleasurable for her. It seemed to be: she was wet and moaning so until I tried to change position it was ok. We happened to start that way (spooning), and at some point she asked me if I could finish in this position, which I interpreted as her being close enough and asking me to change to a position in which both of us could finish.

        Regarding her having orgasms with me before: yes, she was finishing every time.

        I need to emphasize a few things: she is the workaholic type, sometimes coming back late and jumping on her computer to continue working. She hates her job (more specifically her manager) yet is very stressed about her performance. Since we are working in the same field of engineering, she often texts me throughout the day to ask me what I think of her way of solving a particular problem, seeking my approval, etc. Also after 8 months in the UK we still have no friends at all, I am the only person she can really talk to and she admitted that me being her best friend in addition to being her boyfriend wasn't helping much in bed.

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by sunmat View Post
          We knew each other before having a long-distance relationship: we used to be coworkers in France, then I moved to the US. We kept in touch and after a while realized there was some emotional chemistry between us (we were calling each other pretty much every other day, despite 7 hours of time difference). I went to visit her once and that's when we realized there was also physical attraction, so we decided to start a long-distance relationship until I could move back to France or she could move to the US. This took longer than we thought (about a year).

          She had a boyfriend before, whom she admitted also complained about her low sex drive. She said sex also sort of died after a year, with him.

          I don't think she is asexual though: she admitted to masturbating from time to time, although not much lately. But she is very unaware of sex-related things (until recently she thought a man could not get soft without having an orgasm, for example). As for sexual compatibility, I'm not sure we have experienced enough together to tell. For instance, we still haven't tried oral (she wants us to get tested for STDs first, which we keep postponing because of our busy work schedules).

          I give her massages from time to time, that turned her on once, but usually it's not something that does.

          As for yesterday, I don't know if it was pleasurable for her. It seemed to be: she was wet and moaning so until I tried to change position it was ok. We happened to start that way (spooning), and at some point she asked me if I could finish in this position, which I interpreted as her being close enough and asking me to change to a position in which both of us could finish.

          Regarding her having orgasms with me before: yes, she was finishing every time.

          I need to emphasize a few things: she is the workaholic type, sometimes coming back late and jumping on her computer to continue working. She hates her job (more specifically her manager) yet is very stressed about her performance. Since we are working in the same field of engineering, she often texts me throughout the day to ask me what I think of her way of solving a particular problem, seeking my approval, etc. Also after 8 months in the UK we still have no friends at all, I am the only person she can really talk to and she admitted that me being her best friend in addition to being her boyfriend wasn't helping much in bed.
          Wow! Excuses after excuses!

          Sex died after a year with her ex , yet yours has never even got off the ground.

          No oral sex after two years together because she wants an sti check??
          Yet happy to do everything else? Why havenít YOU had an sti check? You can do that without her? She is your first sexual partner so if you have an sti you got it from her only?
          Whats her worry??

          If she was wet and moaning why on earth would you change position??? Her asking if you could finish that way was asking you to stay that way NOT change it to suit you!?

          Workaholic or not, sex is a stress reliever. But it seems sex is stressing her out. I think she is frustrated at you not paying attention to her sexual needs. She asked if you could finish in the position she was enjoying , what did you do? End it!

          Comment


          • #6
            I think the two of you should start seeing a sex therapist. Your g/f, who you didn't really spend very much time with before jumping into a move in situation, is showing you clearly that she isn't interested in sex as a rule. So far you have dimmed down your own sex drive to match hers (its shitty that she blames you for her lack of interest pffft)

            If the help of a sex therapist doesn't get to the bottom of what is basically her frigidness, then you'd do well to reconsider your relationship or, talk to her about opening up your union so that you can remain as a couple but you get your sexual needs met elsewhere. If you're not open to doing that yourself, then you'd do well to end the relationship before some chickie comes along that shows you interest and you find yourself becoming tooooo involved with her emotionally and then eventually physically cheating on your g/f.

            At this point, you are simply her room mate with whom she runs her career decisions past. Something else she seems to have trouble committing to on her own (seems she has very little confidence in general).
            "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by phasesofthemoon View Post
              I think the two of you should start seeing a sex therapist. Your g/f, who you didn't really spend very much time with before jumping into a move in situation, is showing you clearly that she isn't interested in sex as a rule. So far you have dimmed down your own sex drive to match hers (its shitty that she blames you for her lack of interest pffft)

              If the help of a sex therapist doesn't get to the bottom of what is basically her frigidness, then you'd do well to reconsider your relationship or, talk to her about opening up your union so that you can remain as a couple but you get your sexual needs met elsewhere. If you're not open to doing that yourself, then you'd do well to end the relationship before some chickie comes along that shows you interest and you find yourself becoming tooooo involved with her emotionally and then eventually physically cheating on your g/f.

              At this point, you are simply her room mate with whom she runs her career decisions past. Something else she seems to have trouble committing to on her own (seems she has very little confidence in general).
              That makes a lot of sense. Thanks. You're right that she doesn't have a lot of self-confidence. I try to help her with that. She was raised by parents who focused a lot on school performance, and she didn't move out of their house until she was 27 and moved in with me. She also doesn't have any hobbies that could make her think "I'm more than my career".

              I tend to be optimistic and think that her lack of interest in sex is due to her lack of awareness of what sex could be, and that we could do great if we turned our current situation around and experienced more.

              Comment


              • #8
                I tend to be optimistic and think that her lack of interest in sex is due to her lack of awareness of what sex could be, and that we could do great if we turned our current situation around and experienced more.
                Will she go to sex therapy with you?

                You could try reading a book on Tantric Sex with her. Maybe if she got her head into it, she may unfreeze.

                Anyway, don't settle for being in a noncompatible sex life with anyone. You'll regret it sooner or later and odds are, that will whittle away at your resolve to remain monogamous.
                "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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