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To confront or not to confront...

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  • To confront or not to confront...

    My wife and I have been together a little over a year -- we got married extremely fast. Just sort of knew, ya know?

    Obviously, in rushing in we set ourselves up for quite a few challenges early on. We've mananged though. We're still managing… everyday. We make a good team, we love each other totally, but again, it's been difficult at times. And shamefully, some of the troubles we've had have been self-inflicted.

    One of the BIG challenges we dealt with early on was porn and masturbation. I watched it. I did it. Not religiously or anything, just now and again, recreationally per usual like I had before I got married.

    This was a HUGE no-no for my wife, and she made it semi-clear from the get, but I ignored her and did my thing anyway, believing niavely she'd never find out. After all, who was I hurting, right? Not like I was cheating or anything…

    Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

    She found my phone. Went through my history and was devastated. I was dishonest. I had blatantly deceived her. I fucked up. No doubt about it. The acts might not have been a big deal to me, but they were to her, and it nearly ended our marriage, as it put my honesty into serious question. Trust was big for us, as it should be in any marriage/relationship, and I had violated hers.

    It's taken a while for me to regain her trust, but I've since kicked the habit and do what I can to give her reassurence when I can.

    Though we've moved past it (for the most part -- there's still some residual paranoia from time to time), I harbor that guilt quite a bit, as my wife had never lied to me -- or so she said.

    About a month ago, I went through her phone. Had no real reason to, but I did anyway. Not proud of it, but it happened -- was just innocent curiousity. And while what I found wasn't terrible per se, it's made me a bit uneasy. Because as it turns out, she's not as honest and squeeky clean as she's made out…

    When my wife and I first started dating, she told me she had never had an orgasm before me. EVER -- by herself or during sex. And she's 25 and a bi-sexual who'd previously identified as a lesbian. I was skeptical, obviously. I really didn't need the ego stroke. It didn't matter to me if she had, and I told her that, but she was absolutely insistent it had never happened before. So much, in fact, that it legitimately ticked her off that I would question her honesty. And I did, all the time. Whenever we had a conversation about sex, ours or otherwise… I questioned it.

    She also swore up and down that she never masturbated. That she'd tried it, didn't really and enjoy and never did it. Likewise, I had my reservations and regularly digged at her.

    Turns out, it all was, in fact, bullshit…

    I found a video on her phone, dated two months prior to our meeting of her maturbating and cumming on camera… and yes, the orgasm clearly happened… not to be crude, but you catch by drift.

    So here's the dilemma… I haven't confronted her about it and I want to. I really do, because I know she would 100 per cent confront me about something like that, she'd demand that I be accountable. Buuuuut… part of keeping it inside oddly makes me feel better about what I did ealier in our relationship, lying and being deceptive. It helps alleviate some of the guilt to just "let her have one" and not say anything at all.

    And now, there's also a part of me that's bothered by the fact she's gotten off with other guys. Totally wouldn't have before. I'm not that insecure, truly… but since being sold that I was "the one," that fantasy dying has definitely taken something away from me. And if she's fibbed about this… what else is she being less than honest about, sexually or otherwise?

    And I'm not sure how she'd react to being caught in a lie. Her honesty is something she values a lot... obviously, not enough to be honest with me about this, but nonetheless. How will it affect our relationship? Or how she feels about it? Or me? Because maybe she enjoyed making me feel "special"? What happens if I take that away from her? Will things suddenly be different for us?

    I'm being a real bitch about this, I realize that. I need to be more of a man about it and speak up, but I'm a pacifist by nature… a true type-B personality, so I'm at odds, folks.

    So... do I confront her? Or let it go?

    Please help!

  • #2
    You got married extremely fast and according to you , you “just sort of knew”

    So, if you are that confident in your marriage, you should be able to talk about anything openly and honestly.