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He won't snog me or have sex with me

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  • He won't snog me or have sex with me

    Okay, well we are in the first 6 months of our relationship.
    We are both in our early 30s.
    Both previously had long term relationships which involved sex
    He was single 5 years before we got together.
    He says he has performance anxiety after losing his erection during 2 drunk one night stands after his ex.
    So I realised that area may take some time and patience etc.
    What I don't get is that in 6 months he has kissed me with a bit of tongue briefly FOUR times all pretty much verbally requested by me.
    He says he loves me but he doesnt ever look at me like he loves me, wants me or feels passionately for me.
    He doesn't hold me in a passionate way.
    We hold hands and cuddle but there is never anything passionate or sexual.
    When we kiss it's just a peck.
    It's like we are 2 best friends.
    I've tried all sorts to engage him in just a passionate kiss and it's like he really doesn't want it.
    We've spoken about it and he says he doesnt really think about us having sex or kissing passionately and it's not something he enjoys.
    He says he is attracted to me and I'm not the problem.
    Everything else is great but what the hell?
    It's killing me and not because I want sex but because he doesnt have passion for me in any way whatsoever.
    We have no physical intimacy and I feel like I'm just quietly drifting from him because I feel unwanted.
    Aren't these supposed to be problems after the honeymoon period???
    When does mine even start?
    Last edited by CatchAFlame; August 23rd, 2018, 10:33 PM.

  • #2
    Tell him that you need passion and intimacy and that while he is fine without it , you aren’t.
    Agree that it’s a major incompatibility and that while everything else is great , you can’t overlook it and therefore need to part ways to give both of you a chance at being with someone compatible.

    Dont suggest or agree to remain friends as that’s all you are now anyway.


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    • #3
      I've told him, he said that he's going to try to get on my 'wave length' but I have to give him a little bit of time because he doesnt want to suddenly behave that way because I've brought it up but because he wants it to be natural.
      I've seen him once since and he made an effort to give me kisses more, just packs.
      I think I'm just slowly digesting that we are incompatible there and it just won't work

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      • #4
        We even sleep naked next to each other and theres no touching or caressing. Sometimes he has an erection but he won't let me touch and if he does it's brief and like he's just waiting for it to stop.

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        • #5
          Originally posted by CatchAFlame View Post
          I've told him, he said that he's going to try to get on my 'wave length' but I have to give him a little bit of time because he doesnt want to suddenly behave that way because I've brought it up but because he wants it to be natural.
          I've seen him once since and he made an effort to give me kisses more, just packs.
          I think I'm just slowly digesting that we are incompatible there and it just won't work
          But there is nothing natural about him “trying” to get on your “wavelength”

          Has he sought counselling and would he be willing to?
          Its not normal to not even want to kiss passionately, perhaps he fears kissing will lead to more.
          Have you tried kissing him in public where it can’t possibly lead to sex?
          Does he even cuddle you?

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          • #6
            I know
            He does cuddle me, we cuddle often and hold hands.
            We cuddle naked in bed but it's a very non sexual cuddle.
            I've reassured him quite many times that kissing doesn't have to lead anywhere.
            He said it's not something he's ever really done apart from during sex.
            He said he used to have passionate kisses when he was younger but it's just not something he does anymore and doesn't think about doing or really enjoys.
            He suggested trying it when drunk, we did...He said he was starting to get into it but his mind took over and killed it.
            That was recent and snog number 4 in 6 months.
            He snogged me briefly 2nd and 3rd date and once the first night I stayed over....then nothing for month till I broke down crying because I felt like he didn't want me.
            The night we did the 'I love you' he avoided snogging me then, I couldn't sleep afterwards I went downstairs and just cried.
            Why can't he kiss me like he loves me??
            I've suggested it but I don't think it's anything he's willing to consider for a long while and i dont know how long i can go on like this, I had no self esteem to begin with. I'm just crying all the time whenever I've got time to think about it.
            Last edited by CatchAFlame; August 24th, 2018, 12:21 AM.

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            • #7
              Well sounds like he might just be asexual.
              Don’t take it personally, instead leave and be with someone who speaks the same love language as you.

              You have already given him several months to change and nothing has changed.
              Dont waste anymore time on him.
              You deserve to have a good relationship including the physical.

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              • #8
                I agree with Maggie.
                You'll go insane if you continue this relationship.
                His behavior indicates he's not ever going to get even close to your wave length.

                Save yourself the frustration and find a boyfriend who shares your need for intimacy.
                You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf

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                • #9
                  Okay, well we are in the first 6 months of our relationship.
                  Why are you even trying with this dud. It's been six short months and you've already learned that you're not happy. Quit trying with him for goodness sakes... you're just wasting yours and his time.
                  "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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                  • #10
                    You need to have an extremely intimate and personal conversation with him. These are the signs and symptoms many women show if they have been raped or molested. Find out if that has happened to him. If he is in the US, the statistics show that more men and boys are raped than women and girls.

                    If that hasn't happened, you need to have a really personal conversation anyway.

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                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Almost Yoda View Post
                      If he is in the US, the statistics show that more men and boys are raped than women and girls.
                      Can you show me the research where you got these odds?
                      You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf

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                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Ayla View Post

                        Can you show me the research where you got these odds?
                        Don't be lazy. Google it. The same goes for suicide. Men are 3.5 more likely to commit suicide than women. The media misrepresents many things in the US.

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                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Almost Yoda View Post

                          Don't be lazy. Google it. The same goes for suicide. Men are 3.5 more likely to commit suicide than women. The media misrepresents many things in the US.
                          ^^^ Yet you expect us to just take Your word for it. Uhm, nope! Show us where you got that info or it didn't happen.

                          CatchAFlame Did you dump your male girlfriend yet or are you still using 'them' for your real live teddy bear?
                          "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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                          • #14
                            Originally posted by phasesofthemoon View Post

                            ^^^ Yet you expect us to just take Your word for it. Uhm, nope! Show us where you got that info or it didn't happen.

                            CatchAFlame Did you dump your male girlfriend yet or are you still using 'them' for your real live teddy bear?

                            With that logic, women are not raped in the US. If I didn't see it, it did not happen. Therefore, women should stop whining and complaining about rape. No one cares.

                            When people get the intelligence to understand that rape is a problem in the US and to stop it, you have to stop all rape, not just for women. Who do you think becomes rapists? If you invalidate what I say, it does not stop men and women from being raped. Stop being lazy. Look it up.

                            I guess this is what Copernicus went through when he told people the earth was not the center of the universe. Nikola Tesla went through the same when the scientific community did not believe you could send a cellular signal around the planet. Some don't have the intelligence to grasp certain things. They would rather hold on to their false sense of reality. Well I'm here to wake you up.

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                            • #15
                              OP... I hope you don't have to linger in an unfulfilling relationship. I really can't fathom what something like that must be like. To me, he doesn't seem ready to be in a relationship, period. I wouldn't stick around to find out why. Why are you even with this person??

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