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How do I stop the visuals

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  • How do I stop the visuals

    My husband told me yesterday he's been watching porn...only reason it came up was because he got an email that someone had installed malware on the computer and was demanding $350 bitcoin or the would post the the picture of him masturbating. He was pretty freaked out when he got the email and said "I've been watching porn online while taking care of business and then I got this email today." I was so stunned and it was so much to take in I didn't know how to react. He said it so simply, like "I've been going to the gym." I knew he "took care of business" as he puts it, but had NO idea he was watching porn. I've run the full gamut of emotions...hurt, betrayed, violated, disgusted, insecure, cheated on.

    We talked yesterday afternoon and I asked him more about it - he really didn't think it was a big deal, he knew I probably wouldn't be thrilled about it, but didn't expect the reaction he got. My logical brain knows a lot of men are visual creatures and it's "normal". It's just pictures he likes to look it. It's nothing weird and he's not going so the live interaction sites or anything like that...just naked woman and video's of men and woman or woman and woman having sex. I don't think it's an obsession or a "problem," he said he looks at it couple times a week. He's told me he won't do it again now that he knows how I feel about it.

    We'd had some issues in the sex department and my lack of interest - I know we should be having it more frequently, so part of me feels I'm part of the reason this has happened. If those kind of images turn him on, I am struggling with how he could possibly be attracted to my post baby, deflated boobs body.

    I am trying really hard to let this make me crazy, but I keep getting these visuals in my head of him getting aroused by looking at pictures of naked woman with their legs spread. I just don't know how to make them stop.

  • #2
    I suggest you read this post.
    I found it quite eye-opening when I first read it. It really makes you understand how porn and masturbation works in a mans life:

    https://www.relationship-forums.com/...urbation,+wank

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    • #3
      Ayla - thanks I saw that on another thread. I'm just stuck "getting over it"

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      • #4
        Look at this from his perspective.

        As you acknowledge, men are visual creatures. He, like most healthy people, has a libido. Every day he is hit with visually arousing images--sex sells-- and, despite what you think, he sees you in sexual way EVERY DAY when you take a shower and come to bed and multiple other times a day.

        But guess what, you turn him down--REPEATEDLY. Sometimes it's a clear refusal to a specific advance. Sometimes is the way you respond to his touch or the way you cover up in embarrassment about your body. But every day he looks at you in a sexual way. And every day you brush him aside in one way or another.

        What's he supposed to do? Assuming he's not a rapist, he needs to be desired. The models in porn project that desire through the screen. They are saying to him, "..I want you..." So that's where he goes.

        Unless you expect him to be celibate, get over your issues and figure out how to have a complete relationship with your husband. Find a way to say "....I want you..."
        Last edited by Pollon; July 11th, 2018, 11:59 PM.

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        • #5
          My wife asked me how could I still be attracted to her 66 year old body. I told her that when I look at her I see the same girl I married at 19.

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          • #6
            Op: You get "over it" (over nothing actually because he's NOT cheating on you, he's scratching at itch) by getting the help you need to get over your poor body image and your lack of desire. Just because you don't care if you ever have sex again doesn't mean your partner feels the same way and to expect him to stop pleasuring himself when you won't do it is selfish and immature.

            You can also get "over it" by changing your thoughts to something else when your negative dialogue about it keeps looping around in your head. Put an elastic band around your wrist and when you go down that thought tunnel again, ping the elastic and prompt yourself to change the subject. Or, ping it, open up some porn and get yourself aroused so that you have fodder to go to your husband and make him feel that you desire him again.
            "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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