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How to make my Sex life not suck

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  • How to make my Sex life not suck

    So I've dated my current girlfriend for almost a year now. She is by far the nicest girl I've ever been with and cares about me more than any girl I've been with too... but.

    In the beginning the sex was really good, pretty frequent, and definite connection. That could've been because it was new but either way it feels like something has changed, or at least just isn't doing it for me.

    We go to different colleges, so during the school year we obviously don't see each other a ton, but we are from the same hometown relatively (she lives about 45 minutes from me). The issue I have is that I feel like we never really have sex, and it feels like it's because of something other than being busy or her being unsatisfied. It just feels like it's her personality.

    Now part of this is because she's very sensitive, so when we have sex, I usually have to give her at least two days before we do it again or she'll be in pain, and I don't want that. Sometimes even after a while of waiting she'll still be in pain, it's very frustrating but I know that's not her fault.

    However even when there's nothing stopping us, she almost never initiates anything, even when I've made it pretty clear that's what I want. Only when she's drunk does it seems like she shows an actual interest in having sex with me. That's not to say she doesn't enjoy anything sexual, but most of the time our sexual interaction goes like this: I get her off with my hand, she tries to reciprocate out of feeling obligated but the fact is I simply don't get off from a handjob (I'm not sure many guys do) or even oral not that she gives it much, and she'll get all upset because it's clear I'm not really enjoying myself even though she's really not putting all that much effort in.

    Otherwise, because I've voiced my dissatisfaction a couple times to her, I'll get her off with my hand and she'll offer more because she feels like she has to, never because I just go for it because I've gotten to where it just seems like it's a chore for her regardless if she enjoys it or not.

    I know part of this is me, I could be more spontaneous and try new things but the problem is that when I feel like she never shows much interest in sex in the first place, it's hard for me to want to do different things. When we started dating, she told me about some of her kinks and tastes but since then has never really voiced those preferences again, plus I'd try more things but I feel like I hurt her so easily without trying. I'd say maybe she's as dissatisfied as I am, but even when we talk about it, she never says that. I just kind of feel like I'm too young to be feeling like my also young girlfriend and I barely have sex, even when we're seeing each other like 3-4 times a week. It sucks because sometimes it makes it harder to enjoy other aspects of our relationship. I truly don't believe she has those tendencies for a particular reason, it's just kind of who she is and she maybe doesn't think about it.

    For you guys, what kind of sex drive do your girlfriends show? and how much sex does that equate to. For you girls, am I reading way too much into this/should I not care/what are your feelings on initiating things?

  • #2
    Ok we need more info. First off sex shouldnít be hurting her. Do you have an abnormally huge penis? Do you use lube? Do you just pound the hell out of her till sheís suffering? Even with a reasonably huge penis you should be able to perform sex in a way such that it doesnít leave her sore. For reference Iím pretty large and the girl Iíve been sleeping with is tiny. As long as I use lube and donít pound her hard for more than 30-40 mins sheís a little bit sore the next day but nothing bad. And thatís hardcore pounding. Iíve had some girls who were very shallow and as long as Iím careful not to slam the cervix and use plenty of lube itís still pleasant for them. If itís leaving her sore for days at a time I think youíre doing something wrong.
    second question. Is she on antidepressants or any medications that would be affecting her libido? Was she raped or abused? While sex drive varies from partner to partner, an extremely low sex drive is often a symptom of something else. You said it wasnít always this way. Was she being more sexual in the beginning of the relationship in order to make you happy or was there actually a stronger sex drive. While attraction does fade, it shouldnít cause such a rapid loss of libido. Most people still want to orgasm at least once per day.
    And finally, how is the rest of the relationship going? Iíve completely stopped having sex with gorgeous ex girlfriends because they made me so unhappy I couldnít stomach the idea of fucking them. Is this a symptom of other problems in the relationship?

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    • #3
      No, Yes, and No. Slightly above average penis I think. Plenty of lube. And pretty normal with intensity. See it almost always hurts her slightly right when I put it in, then I wait for bit and then she enjoys herself. I could believe that I was doing something wrong except I really don't think I am, it's not very hard when we do and we use a lot of lube.

      She's dealt with some depression same as me but no medication for it, no abuse, good family. And when I say that it wasn't always like this I mean that it seemed in the beginning of the relationship the sex came naturally, now it seems forced or like a chore. I bought her a vibrator a while back since I wasn't there at college (although you could've fooled me into thinking she never got horny at all). She told me once that she used it very frequently, yet I almost never received nudes or anything like that. It's not that I'm less attracted to her, but it seems like she just doesn't think of my needs, but more concerning seems like it doesn't interest her sometimes.

      Rest of the relationship is good, I never question her loyalty, we have fun together. While we're very different people and sometimes that leads to some arguments, we overall get along good.

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      • #4
        If she's able to use vibrator, but sex with you (even with a ton of lube) hurts, then something's off. That's not right.
        It makes me suspect that she's just using that excuse to lower your expectations, because she's really not into having sex with you (or in general).

        It may be just an overall low libido, in which case there's really not that much you can do about it.
        If that's the case, you need to ask yourself whether you can be dedicated to this relationship in the long run.
        Imagine the sexual frustration that you're feeling right now, multiplied by a few more years. It gets rough. It affects your self esteem and it damages your relationship.
        If you think you can get passed it, fine. If you don't, maybe it's time to end this and find someone who's sexuality is more compatible with yours.
        You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf

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        • #5
          It's never insertion with a vibrator I should probably make that distinction. But you're right something seems off. Like I said it's not that it hurts her the entire time, it's that when we first begin there is usually a 30 second to a minute long period where I have to wait before continuing otherwise she'll be in pain. If she is legitimately making it up she's being pretty convincing.

          I hope I can make things go in a different direction, but I sometimes wonder if I can ever come to terms with knowing she'll never really show sexual interest one way or another unless she's drunk I guess.

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          • #6
            If you are big and she is small you will always have to be careful when youíre first entering, but it really shouldnít be painful, at least not to the extent you describe. I dated one girl who was a ďclencherĒ and sex was always very painful for her. A few women have that problem but I think itís pretty rare

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            • #7
              I assume youíre doing foreplay first to get her ready? I hope youíre not just throwing it in there. If you do foreplay correctly she should be begging you to put it in

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              • #8
                No of course not. She generally will orgasm at least once before we actually start sex

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                • #9
                  Originally posted by nitroz6 View Post
                  No of course not. She generally will orgasm at least once before we actually start sex
                  This doesn't work for every girl though.
                  Some girls "peak" in desire during the orgasm and immediately after the desire goes downhill. Which means she will become dryer again very soon.
                  What about bringing her to right before climax, but not over the top, and then having intercourse?

                  These are just patches on an open wound though. Reality is, she's just not a very sexual person.
                  Can you live with that?
                  You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Sounds like there are are some possible medical issues going on with her? But having an open and honest conversation with each other is good. Maybe looking into more comfortable sexual positions that will have less pain and also make it enjoyable for you both as suggestion. Sometimes women cannot help their orgasms as quick or slow as the man, but if the sex is really really good yeah aint no stopping that lol. Well I hope that you guys are able to work it out and not allow sex to dominate everything you have good and at times non sexual intimacy is just as good and it builds up anticipation. Oh, be spontaneous! text, video chat, Skype etc.

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                    • #11
                      You're right Ayla about trying right before, I think that might be a good thing to try, most of the time I hold off doing that simply because I've convinced myself that it's not what she wants and it's just a chore for her. It's not so much that I can't live with it as much as I wish the few times we did have sex were decent. If I took her to a nice dinner and as soon as we got home she just grabbed me, or vice versa and we went at it that'd be fine, but I always have to force the issue and it feels exactly like that, an issue.

                      It's gotten to the point that when it's weighing heavy on my mind like it is lately, doing anything nice for her makes me scoff internally like she doesn't repay me. Reality is that she does in how she treats me, but her lack of consideration for my sexual needs bugs me a lot. Like last night we got into a small argument (not really an argument but you get the point) when she wanted me to stay in her bed with her while she was falling asleep (I had to drive back home), and when I'd leave she'd ask me to stay longer. It amounted to her saying something like "well if showing affection is that hard for you" "I don't want it to be a chore", and I almost laughed because that's the exact way I feel about her with anything sexual.

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                      • #12
                        I certainly don't want it to be the end all be all for me, and I really don't think it is. But for me when I get frustrated like I have been, it makes me feel like she just has no interest in me and that irks me like I mentioned. I'd love some nudes every now and then or anticipation after a night out but it is almost always anticlimactic, we end up just laying in bed watching something and if she's not falling asleep we'll end up doing it for a few minutes, nothing exciting or different or anything. Like as of today, we have had sex twice in the month of June. Once when I went to another city to see her in a show she was doing, and once when I took her on a 4 day trip to my family's beach house, and even then it felt like she only did it because she felt obligated.

                        I think maybe I just need to really go for it next time I get the opportunity, and hopefully my spontaneity will make things better but who knows.
                        Last edited by nitroz6; June 28th, 2018, 04:15 PM.

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                        • #13
                          The mistake you're making, is assuming that her lack of interest in sex is somehow related to her "not trying hard enough" or "not putting any effort in".

                          It's really not that black and white. You don't just keep a stamp card of nice boyfriend deeds and get sex in return when the card is full.
                          She may be trying to show her care, love or affection some other way. You're just so focussed on the sex that you're missing it.
                          And since you're keeping score, you don't feel like being kind or affectionate towards her. Relationships don't work that way. You don't act kindly because you'll get sex in return. You act kindly because you love this person and want to do those things for them.
                          She's being kind in her own way. Not by giving you sex, but in other ways. She's doing her best. If sex is really painful and uncomfortable for her, it makes sense that she won't use that as a way to show her affection to you.

                          Can you stop expecting sex in return for being nice? Can you just be nice, "just because", not because you're getting something in return?
                          Can you live with her not being a sexual person without resenting her for it?

                          If the answer to any of those questions is no, you have to leave her, for both your sake.
                          You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf

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                          • #14
                            I think you misunderstood me a little. I'm not trying to keep score, nor do I equate being nice as being owed sex, that's a pretty bad mindset. Am I focused on it, yes, because I believe it's a very important part of a relationship and so when I'm frustrated in that area it can impact me in other ways such as feeling bitter about other things. I don't sit there and take her to dinner and expect sex the minute I get home, I just mean over time it feels like that connection is nonexistent. I still treat her quite well by I think most standards and do a lot to try and make her happy because I care about her. You are right however, she is affectionate in other ways and I never have thought she's disinterested in sex for a particular reason, it's just somewhat who she is and she's not always comfortable with making advances. The "not being a sexual person" question is probably the most relevant and one that I definitely think after another conversation on the subject, I'll have to re-evaluate.

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                            • #15
                              sometimes sex does become a chore and you gotta change it up to make sex more spontaneous and exciting. Iíve definitely been in relationships where both people brush their teeth and get ready for bed, and then youíre trying to slide over to her side of the bed but sheís rolling her eyes and obviously not in the mood. Women require more of an emotional component to start a sexual encounter. Sometimes youíve gotta just grab her while youíre cooking dinner and start passionately kissing her. Pin her to the wall and have sex with all your clothes on, knocking stuff over like a sex scene in a movie. Itís pretty amazing. Last night I was goofing around with a girl and I jokingly grabbed her by the throat. I could feel her body tense up like it turned her on so I just started kissing her passionately with my hand around her throat. Within a few seconds we were ripping each otherís clothes off. But then we kinda stopped to unbutton her blouse and headed into the bedroom which kinda broke the spell and killed the energy. I should have just fucked her hard and dirty on the couch with all our clothes on and we would have both cum within about 2 minutes. Do you get what Iím trying to say? Routine and repetition are the death of passion and lust. Youíve gotta attack her like youíre a starving animal. If youíre not getting rugburn, bruises and bite marks, then itís time to re-evaluate your approach to sex and spontaneity.

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