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  • Problems with porn...

    My husband and I have been together going on 14 years married 3 of those. He recently opened up about feeling like he had an addiction to porn and it was interfering with our relationship. It came up because I started noticing we werenít intimate as often and even when we were I felt like something was off. He was really hesitant on opening up and I understand why but he did it because he loves me and it was hurting him in that it was hurt our relationship. At that time I understood it and he said he wanted to work on it. According to him he had gone a week or 2 with light watching but then I found out he had watched and lies. Only once though and he confessed to it. Again I understood it would be hard and he would have times when he would give in but it doesnít mean it wouldnít hurt me. As time went by I started to uncover that I actually have a problem with him watching porn. I had mentioned it to him early on in the relationship but pushed it aside because everyone makes it seem like itís normal to watch and no one should have a problem with it. I opened up with him too because weíve gone thru a change in our relationship and gotten so much more closer in being able to talk with each other. Iíve realized that it hurts me a lot knowing that he watches. Iíve tried to get to the bottom of why I feel like this and I think it might be because in my previous relationships I always felt like I wasnít enough. These were high school relationships so might seem childish but from the 5 that I had I had fully invested myself in 2 of them. In the 1st I ended up being cheated on with a close friend and we would constantly break up and get together. The second I just never felt like he actually cared and I was just being used, 3rd I was being pressured into sex and when I didnít he ended up breaking up with me. Other 2 didnít matter much because I broke them off. I just never felt like I was enough for them and now knowing that my husband like watching other women really hurts. Iím constantly wondering if heís watching when heís alone or if heís looking at other women when weíre out. Thatís another thing he came out about. He would fantasize about women when we would go out or even if he was alone. He would picture them naked in sexual positions. Even when we were together and had our daughter with us. That added to him watching porn has sent me over the edge. I love him with ever part of me but idk how to deal with all this pain. Right now itís more about the porn and knowing heís slipped up a few times. Again I understand itís gonna be a process and he will have slip ups but I canít help but get hurt when I find out about them. Any advice is greatly appreciated. If itís something about me ďhavingĒ to be ok with him watching then I would prefer no comment on it. The thing is I ďdoĒ have a problem with it for my own reason and I donít want to be made to feel like I shouldnít. I do understand it though.

  • #2
    Most men watch and, IMO, as long as it's not causing one's partner to stop having sexual intimacy with their partner, then its no reason to feel like you're not enough for him or to let insecurities rule you. The link below is from a past poster who sums up why men look at porn.

    Its only a problem when it's become an addiction in which case he should be seeking professional help to guide him into how he can stop. It wouldn't hurt for you to seek therapy yourself so that you learn how to build confidence in yourself and learn to frame yourself as the prize rather then thinking you're lesser.


    Here, have a read:

    https://www.relationship-forums.com/...urbation,+wank
    "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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    • #3
      Hi,

      Maybe I got it wrong, so please correct me if so.

      You seem to have an issue with sex yourself, and feel a lot of pressure about the topic. Maybe your husband started out watching porn because he felt you couldn't take all his lust and needed a way to feel better without cheating on you?

      Second... what about watching together? It can be quite fun and a real turn on. You could start with soft scenes, and work your way through different kinds of films. Maybe that would help you feel more comfortable with sex, your husband with his own desire and your couple with porn?

      Last: if this issue becomes to hard to bear (and it seems so, with your husband feeling so bad and you inspecting his doings), then you should seek professional help - together.

      Comment


      • #4
        I think it’s wonderful that you and your husband can be so open with each other. That says a lot about you as a wife and your marriage. I can tell you love each other very much! I don’t think watching porn is normal although I completely agree with you that it is widely accepted. I’ve actually heard it referred to as virtual infidelity, which explains some of the signs you were starting to notice in your marriage and the way it makes you feel. The fact that your husband admits that he has a problem is a big step. I was so glad when I read that. Are you familiar with focus on the family? I listen to them every morning. I highly encourage you to read the information they have on porn and the resources they have available to help you and your husband on their website. It’s excellent!! and I think it could really help you and your husband. Your marriage is so worth it. I will be praying for you this week as you decide what to do. I’m glad you reached out!

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        • #5
          It is not your fault like truffe2miel seems to be suggesting. Porn does not represent people's sex lives realistically. If you have discussed with your husband that his behavior really bothers you and he still feels the need to do it, then there is some deeper work that needs to be done.

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          • #6
            Originally posted by Snow White View Post
            It is not your fault like truffe2miel seems to be suggesting.
            Oh dear, I am very sorry if this is the feeling derived from my answer!! I just wanted to point out that a discrepancy between the desires of 2 people can lead to some kind of estrangement. This man seems to have chosen a path that would not destroy his marriage, as opposed to the ones who cheat on their wives. It is neither a judgement nor an accusation!
            So please forgive me if I gave you that impression, CrazyTrain.

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