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What am I doing...?

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  • What am I doing...?

    So I've been with my boyfriend for 3.5 years now. He is my first serious relationship and I absolutely adore the man with all of my everything. He is a very sexual person and has had plenty of sexual partners before me and is very aware of what he wants and likes. I, on the other hand, have had very few sexual partners and am still learning what I do and don't like. Before he was with me, he was with a girl who would never sleep with him and not allow him to really be who and what he wanted to be which made him extremely depressed and end their relationship. I then came on board. It wasn't until probably 2 years into our relationship and going to a seminar at Sexpo about "Threesomes and Polygamy" that he came to me with the idea of bringing someone into our bedroom. I consider myself bi-sexual so I was not totally opposed to the situation. Anyway, we talked and talked about it for months on end because I just wasn't happy with sharing him. I'm extremely self conscious and was new to the idea and scared out of my mind.
    I eventually mustered up the courage to at least invite an old school friend of his over who was known for being into Ashley and women. I had a mental breakdown about it all before we actually went through with anything physical, but once I had done the deed with them, it was fun! Until my boyfriend asked me if she could be his girlfriend too. He was so happy because he was feeling more himself and truly finding himself. Not knowing what my feelings really were in this situation and not knowing what was really involved with a polyamorous relationship, I agreed. We were happy.
    I couldn't cope with it though, the other girl was very rude and disrespectful and ended up causing my boyfriend more stress and hurting him. It's devastating to watch your man go through essentially a break up that doesn't involve you. I was helpless.

    We eventually kept her at arms length and really only invited her over to have sex with my boyfriend. That's another thing I should probably add is that I have a very hard time orgasming or being turned on when involved with other people. It's something I am currently working on and slowly getting better at. But often I would go weeks if not months without wanting sex with my boyfriend and when he's at the complete opposite end of the spectrum and wanting sex a minimum of once a day, it makes it difficult. So he would sleep with the other girl so he wouldn't go stir crazy or worse leave me.
    My jealousy was unbearable though, I have a hard time talking about feelings and would often just burst into a giant puddle of tears on the floor, so I didn't really talk to my boyfriend about it because every time I did, I wouldn't make sense and it would frustrate him and would just make things worse. So I bottled it up and tried to deal with it internally because it was apparent he didn't understand where I was coming from. Now don't get me wrong, he isn't being a selfish prick and just doing this for himself. He would constantly check in with me to make sure that I was OK and how he could make it easier on me, I just couldn't give him the answers he needed because I honestly had no idea what I was doing. My mind would flit back and forth between "Fuck Yeah" and "Fuck No" very quickly. All he wants is for me to be happy but at the same time, he's finally feeling comfortable within himself and doesn't want that crushed. I don't either for that matter!

    We ended up finding another girl who was a lot more suited to us. I wanted nothing to do with it at the start because of how much of a shit time I had with the other girl, but she was a lot more respectful of my feelings and actually wanted me as well which made me feel a lot better about everything. Or so I thought. She was going through a divorce with her manipulative, controlling husband and actually emitted herself to a psych ward. So she flew off the charts hurting my boyfriend and myself in the process. We didn't speak to her for a few months, I was irate that we were back in this boat and I was once again picking up the pieces of my boyfriend. During this period my boyfriend was talking to another couple who were like minded in the fact that one of them was quite conservative and monogamous while the other was a sex fiend. They showed interest in doing some couple things which piked my interest of adding another male into the picture. They would send us naughty messages and photos and we would send them back. It was fun. We'd recently started organizing to meet up with them about the same time that my boyfriend tried to patch things up with the girl who emitted herself to a psych ward. She apologized profusely and had cleaned herself up and is taking medication, she also told us that she wanted both myself and my partner sexually. He had forgiven her and was all for it as she was a good lay but I hadn't forgiven her. Anyway, Last night we had agreed that we would give her another chance to make it up to us and had been trying to organise to see her but she denied us twice to go and see a dude who she met on Tinder. It hurt my boyfriend because she had been promising to come and see us for a while and shrugged us off for someone else, so that put him in a sour mood. We were also talking to the couple at the same time, being naughty. The male of the other couple was adamant that he wasn't going to share his girlfriend with my boyfriend but was expecting to have me. That didn't sit well and they called everything off which upset my boyfriend even more. With the stresses of life and this on top, he wasn't doing to well mentally.

    I'm over it all. I was mad at everyone for hurting him and mad at myself for not being able to give him what he wants. So because I can't talk to him properly, I bottle things up and brood. He went to play his games in another room and I ended up going to bed, over thinking the living fuck out of everything. He eventually messages me asking if I wanted to have sex. He was looking at porn in the other room top try and make himself feel better. Normally if I'm not feeling 100% in the mood, I deny him, which is half of the reason we're in this mess. But this time I say yes. I'm literally on the verge of tears because of everything that's happened but decide that i'm actually going to try for once. I regret that decision.
    He comes into the room excited, his mood had obviously been lifted by me saying yes. We end up having sex but I was in a completely different head space, I was so angry and it ended up coming out through sex. I'm not a dominant person. I'm a brat, but not dominant. Anyway, I basically end up using sex as a means to get out my frustration and get no enjoyment out of it. He was a bit confused during but seemed to be OK with it. It didn't last long, I ruined his orgasm, didn't come myself and ended up falling into a pile of tears on top of him. I knew I fucked up. I'd used him to vent frustration and dominated him terribly and make him feel used.
    I'd never felt these feeling before and didn't know what I was doing. It was nearly 2 years of bottled up confusion, anger and jealousy that just poured out and my poor boyfriend copped the brunt of it.

    I have no one to talk to about this stuff and at this point, i'm just typing to get this out of my mind and off my chest. I feel so sick. He says he forgives me and that he understands it was a mistake, but it still hurt him. I won't forgive myself that easily.

    Anyway, if anyone has had something similar happen or is a monogamous person in a polyamorous relationship, please help. Or any one in general, please just talk to me.

  • #2
    You can't be a monogamous person in a polyamorous relationship. Those terms are a complete contradiction.

    What you are, is a monogamous person who has been made to believe your boyfriend isn't cheating on you, when he really is.
    I've been there myself, a long time ago.
    The sooner you learn to see things for what they are, the sooner you'll start to process this and heal.

    This is the foundation of what I learned years ago.
    If your bf asks if he can sleep with someone else, and it makes you suffer, it doesn't matter if you say yes. The fact that he'd put you through that, knowingly and willingly, just for his own sexual gratification, makes it wrong. Regardless of whether you gave him your permission.
    Your boyfriend should be the person who's more concerned with your happiness and well-being than anyone else in this world. And he decided that getting laid was more important that that.
    He cheated on you, by hurting you like that, even though you agreed.

    You can not build a loving, trusting and supportive relationship with someone who's willing to let you suffer in silence, just for his own pleasure.
    If he was anything of a decent human being, he would have realised years ago that you were incompatible, and that he couldn't impose his desires on you because it would end up hurting you too much. And he would have left you, to find someone who shares his views and likes regarding sexuality and polygamy.
    Instead, he tried to mold you into someone you're not.

    Now, it's not all his fault. Just as I don't blame my ex for everything when I went through something similar. We have a responsability too, to protect ourselves and stand up for what we believe in.
    You're not cut out for polygamie. That's okay. Neither was I. So stand up for yourself and respect yourself enough to end this relationship, so you can find someone who shares your views and won't try to change you.
    You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf


    • #3
      I have been in an Open Marriage for 40 years. Monogamy doesn't work for the majority of the worlds population. A healthy relationship has to built on open and honest sharing. It has to be consensual. If not its abuse.