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What's the Next Step? (Need Advice ASAP!)

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  • What's the Next Step? (Need Advice ASAP!)

    I am not really sure where I should begin - but I may as well preface the rest of this conversation by saying: this is my first relationship. I guess I've been dating my current girlfriend for a little over two months and while everything has been great - the sex hasn't taken off. I lost my virginity to her on our 10th date and since then we've had 3 encounters of sexual intimacy (sex) - all of which have been terrible. In all encounters - I had failed to give her an orgasm despite my best efforts - which has been slowly crushing my confidence day by day. From a performance standpoint, I am decently endowed (7.5) - physically fit (6-pack) - and always pay extra special attention to her needs too (i.e. clit-action). I have asked her time and time again to help guide me so that I can be better at getting her off - but she fails to give me any advice (she says she doesn't know) on how exactly I can achieve that feat. Not only that - we practically abstain from oral activities because of her distaste for giving it (I have given her oral twice now, for 30 minutes at a time - and have never experienced it before in my life). Our most recent sexual encounter is where all the problems in my relationship had started. I guess the sex was great but that's also from my subjective experience - but when I was going to finish - I pulled out (wearing a condom) and then proceeded to orgasm. She thought she saw a pubic hair on the tip of the condom - so I pulled it and then it was a tiny hole that showed. She absolutely freaked out and started crying! I was so heartbroken because I care about her a lot and when I sat her down to try and calm her - she just straight up left me alone to fester in my own anxieties and insecurities (I have generalized anxiety disorder/panic attacks and she knows this...). For reference, I plan on being a Surgeon in the future and I am a 4.0 student as well - so I know how the biology behind sex works. Yet she wouldn't hear any of it - and we did not talk for the rest of the day until I had picked her up because she was walking around her neighborhood crying that night. I told her I loved her - even though I didn't fully mean it - because I thought it was the right thing to say at the time to help quell her emotions and own insecurities (she never reciprocated it back, but that's okay - everyone takes time). My girlfriend btw - is at such a low weight that she has amenorrhea (i.e. she can't ovulate or have menses) which in of itself - should have made her understand there is nothing to worry about - and that we can talk this through together, as a COUPLE. I even spent $52.88 on a Plan B that I gave her and am still unsure if she used it or not. Now I'm in a position where I feel so hurt by her and scarred from wanting to do any other sexual activities. It seems like whenever I text her now - it's always negative about how she feels on the day (like she wants to die, is stressed - etc.) as opposed to her normal self. So I haven't talked to her in two days and I am not sure if I want to either to be honest because of how she handled the situation with a complete disregard for my emotional wellbeing. But I've been ghosted in the past and I refuse to do it to someone else. I feel like ending the relationship right now - but I don't have enough experience or foresight as some of you may have that share my experiences. So I ask - what's the next step that I should take?

    Last edited by infamously; June 10th, 2018, 04:27 PM.

  • #2
    Don't feel bad about not being able to give her an orgasm! I think a lot of guys nowadays feel a lot of pressure to perform and satisfy their girlfriends, and you sound like you are doing a great job and are trying hard to make her happy in the bedroom. That alone, is something you should be immensely proud of. Most guys don't even ask their girl what makes them happy or feels good for them, so you're already a step ahead of the game. That being said, if not even she knows what will get her there, how are you supposed to know? Don't feel bad, great sex is something that takes time and practice.

    I'd also like to say that sex can be awkward and difficult, especially when you first start having it. Don't get down on yourself if every time isn't amazing. You're still learning what you like and how it all works and etc., etc. I know that's not very helpful, but honestly the best way to get better at sex is to continue having it with someone you care about who also cares about you. Practice makes perfect.

    I think as far the emotional issues you guys are having as a result of your sexual experiences, the best thing you can do is communicate. I know this sounds ridiculous because it doesn't seem like she wants to communicate, but ultimately the only thing that is going to repair your relationship is talking about everything that has happened between you two. If she needs time and space to think things through, give it to her, but make sure that you are supportive and willing to give her whatever she needs to feel comfortable to move forward. I know you said you feel like this has taken an emotional toll on you, but sometimes you have to be the one in the relationship to offer support even when your partner is not reciprocating. It can be difficult, but sometimes offering them support can be a form of support for yourself. Maybe that's just me, but I feel comforted knowing I'm there for my partner even if they can't/won't do the same for me.

    Finally, and I don't mean this in a way to offend you, but it does sound like you guys might be a little on the younger side. This isn't a bad thing, but it does mean you could both be lacking in some relationship experience. I'm guilty of the same, I've only been in one serious long term relationship, and so I lack a lot of experience and direction when dealing with my own problems. I just want you to know that it's okay to feel the way you are feeling. It's okay to feel unsure or worried, or to even panic a little when it comes to your relationship. Communicating is probably the most important thing you guys can do. If she feels uncomfortable or is panicking about being pregnant, just show her you support her and you're in it together whether or not she is. You guys should also probably talk about how comfortable you guys feel moving forward in the relationship and if you want to keep having sex. If it results in the kind of situation you wrote about here, maybe you guys should take a break on that front and focus more on building an emotional connection to feel more comfortable moving forward.

    Whew, sorry this post got so out of control. I hope some of what I wrote here helps you.


    • #3
      Thank you, I really appreciate your insight. I'm going to make the move to contact her and see where it goes from there. My goal right now is to talk about the whole incident with her and see if we are both past it. But I'm still going to abstain for a while and try to build an emotional connection - like you were saying.


      • #4
        Let me start by saying, in the name of women everywhere: you're going a great job! You were a virgin until recently and yet you're very aware of your responsability to make your girl orgasm too.
        Wow, if only I had known a guy like you when I was younger. It took me 10 years to meet a guy who cared whether I came or not.

        Don't feel bad about not getting it right from the start. Nobody does! At least you're trying and you're doing the right things. You're asking her for directions and being open in your communication about sex.
        Maybe, when the time is right, you could ask her to show you how she makes herself orgasm. Maybe you could learn from watching her.
        But just remember, these things take time and lots and lots of practice.

        Right now, I agree with Witch. Give her time. You both sound very young and that means you still have a lot to learn about relationships.
        Be considerate towards her, but... Don't let her drag this out forever. At some point she does have to calm down and be reasonable again. She can't be going on about this a month from now.
        You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf


        • #5
          Thank you Ayla! I am going to go to the gym to clear my mind a bit and then I'll make the move and let you and Witch both know how it goes!