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slept with my married teacher and questions about sexual experience/toxic situation?

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  • slept with my married teacher and questions about sexual experience/toxic situation?

    I am going to write this from the third person, so that I can give names to the people involved. The person representing myself in this situation I will refer to as "Cassie". I have many questions about this situation and want to know if this is some kind of toxic situation, if I am being used, and honestly, what is going on. I apologize for the length, but i wanted to be very clear and not leave out any details. Also I naively admit I am not sure any of this violates sexual consent, so I will just say there might be some things that seem like forceful sex, so if this is sensitive, trigger warning.

    ***Cassie, who is in a long-term, but open, relationship with Sam, met this man named Christopher. Christopher is well respected and established in Cassie's field, and a professor of the same subject. Cassie and Christopher had an instant friendship and seemed to hit it off quite well, to a point where Sam suggested that Christopher liked Cassie. Cassie admitted she also liked Christopher. The did not live in the same city, but at the time Cassie and Christopher met, Cassie had already arranged to live in the same city as Christopher. Several months later Cassie is now a doctoral student of Christopher. As far as Cassie knows, Christopher is single. Sometime into Cassie's studies, she went with Christopher to an academic conference for a few days. Christopher offered a ride to Cassie and another student, and they all went together, but stayed in different locations. At the end of the conference, Christopher's car broke down on the way home. The other student left immediately but Cassie held out hope the car would be repaired in the morning, opting to stay instead of go home because she did not have a house key and didn't want to wake her partner up at 5am. Cassie also, as a student, offered to stay in a room with Christopher to save money. This was a room with two separate beds, and Cassie had done this before with other friends and travelling partners, so thought nothing of the situation. Cassie and Christopher were both tired and decided to just hang out and watch some videos and talk instead of doing their respected work. As people that had been friends before, this was not at all strange to Cassie. Several hours later, Cassie gave Christopher a hug and went to go to sleep, but Christopher accidentally gave Cassie too long of a hug, in a "lost control" sort of way. Cassie immediately realized something was wrong at this time, and after a discussion and one thing leading to another, both of them admitting they liked each other, the two of them went to go to sleep together. Cassie was just going to go to sleep, figuring that it was too soon to approach this person for sex, but shortly after they lied down Christopher began to grope her and kiss her. At this point she realized he did want sex, and they did have sex. Cassie found out at this time that Christopher was married, but in a type of "don't ask-don't tell" open relationship. Christopher and Cassie then dated for a while, and went the opportunity arose, they had sex. Cassie, being in several long-term relationships, including all types of kink, and also having had several one-night stands, found Christopher's sexual behavior strange. For example, even though she has participated in up-to weeks long of tease and denial, she had never had sex with someone that seemed so out of control and urgent once things began. Cassie originally thought this was due to inexperience but upon finding out Christopher was married for at least three years, decided this couldn't be the case. For example, the groping, kissing, and dry-humping leading into sex always seemed like Christopher hadn't had sex in maybe, months, and could not stop, and was completely out of control. Cassie questioned whether there would be the ability to stop if the opportunity arose. On top of that, Cassie continually questions whether the marriage is actually open, since Cassie knows many couples with open relationships and none have such secrecy surrounding it. Cassie also noted that this type of out-of-control behavior she has only experienced once in her life - when her mom's sex-offender ex would give her hugs that lasted just a little bit too long as a teenager. Cassie and Christopher don't have sex often, most of the relationship between them outside of doctoral supervision involves date-like activities instead. ***

    my biggest questions are: does any of this raise any red flags? Is this strange behavior, or is it possible that the person in question is just inexperienced or perhaps even repressed sexually? I don't know anything about his sex life or past relationships, only that his current one is at least three years long. The person in question is also one of those people that seems super nice and shy to an awkward point outside of sexual activities, so the difference in behavior - super-passive to almost borderline aggressive, is a big anomaly.
    Any help/advice is greatly appreciated. Thank you.

  • #2
    My advice is to stop seeing a married man that fucks you like a bunny when he gets the chance.

    What is your point of this thread? What "help" or advice can one give a promiscuous student who is schtuuping her married prof.

    No you are not being "used" you are volunteering to get poorly screwed.
    There is nothing in what you've written to indicate that any of this was forced on you.

    You continuing on in this tawdry thing you have going with him is the only red flag I can see. Why are you accepting this dynamic for yourself?

    "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

    Comment


    • #3
      The complication is that we have a really solid friendship, which is actually the largest basis of our relationship. Most of the time we see each other we don't actually have sex, we just hang out and maybe have coffee or dinner, go for a walk, or something. We connect really well on an emotional and intellectual level, but I was just curious if his relationship was truly open, or maybe that was a lie? and also if maybe if he is either inexperienced or sexually repressed. His sexual personality does not match his non-sexual personality, which is very nice, and shy to the point of awkwardness. This to me seemed like an anomaly. Maybe its not, who knows?

      Comment


      • #4
        His sexual personality and his non sexual personality? With all the men you've been with are you saying that their bedroom antics matched the type of personality they have.

        If you're concerned about whether he has an open marriage or not then contact his wife and ask her. It's THE only way you'll know the truth.

        I find it disconcerting that you're conducting an emotional and sexual affair with this guy? Why are you allowing this for yourself? Do you have fear of commitment so he's safe to you because he can't commit while he's married?
        "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

        Comment


        • #5
          Often they did, or at least there was nothing that was such a surprise or anomaly, or rather, such a discrepancy. I am worried to ask her because if it really is don't ask, don't tell, they are not supposed to know about each other's affairs. I do have feelings for him and my partner knows this. He also feels like this person has strong feelings for me, which is why he encouraged it. Whether he is in a relationship or not, it is still "safe", because he travels nearly constantly so any relationship with him would be very part time.

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by classicistgirl1985 View Post
            I am going to write this from the third person, so that I can give names to the people involved. The person representing myself in this situation I will refer to as "Cassie". I have many questions about this situation and want to know if this is some kind of toxic situation, if I am being used, and honestly, what is going on. I apologize for the length, but i wanted to be very clear and not leave out any details. Also I naively admit I am not sure any of this violates sexual consent, so I will just say there might be some things that seem like forceful sex, so if this is sensitive, trigger warning.

            ***Cassie, who is in a long-term, but open, relationship with Sam, met this man named Christopher. Christopher is well respected and established in Cassie's field, and a professor of the same subject. Cassie and Christopher had an instant friendship and seemed to hit it off quite well, to a point where Sam suggested that Christopher liked Cassie. Cassie admitted she also liked Christopher. The did not live in the same city, but at the time Cassie and Christopher met, Cassie had already arranged to live in the same city as Christopher. Several months later Cassie is now a doctoral student of Christopher. As far as Cassie knows, Christopher is single. Sometime into Cassie's studies, she went with Christopher to an academic conference for a few days. Christopher offered a ride to Cassie and another student, and they all went together, but stayed in different locations. At the end of the conference, Christopher's car broke down on the way home. The other student left immediately but Cassie held out hope the car would be repaired in the morning, opting to stay instead of go home because she did not have a house key and didn't want to wake her partner up at 5am. Cassie also, as a student, offered to stay in a room with Christopher to save money. This was a room with two separate beds, and Cassie had done this before with other friends and travelling partners, so thought nothing of the situation. Cassie and Christopher were both tired and decided to just hang out and watch some videos and talk instead of doing their respected work. As people that had been friends before, this was not at all strange to Cassie. Several hours later, Cassie gave Christopher a hug and went to go to sleep, but Christopher accidentally gave Cassie too long of a hug, in a "lost control" sort of way. Cassie immediately realized something was wrong at this time, and after a discussion and one thing leading to another, both of them admitting they liked each other, the two of them went to go to sleep together. Cassie was just going to go to sleep, figuring that it was too soon to approach this person for sex, but shortly after they lied down Christopher began to grope her and kiss her. At this point she realized he did want sex, and they did have sex. Cassie found out at this time that Christopher was married, but in a type of "don't ask-don't tell" open relationship. Christopher and Cassie then dated for a while, and went the opportunity arose, they had sex. Cassie, being in several long-term relationships, including all types of kink, and also having had several one-night stands, found Christopher's sexual behavior strange. For example, even though she has participated in up-to weeks long of tease and denial, she had never had sex with someone that seemed so out of control and urgent once things began. Cassie originally thought this was due to inexperience but upon finding out Christopher was married for at least three years, decided this couldn't be the case. For example, the groping, kissing, and dry-humping leading into sex always seemed like Christopher hadn't had sex in maybe, months, and could not stop, and was completely out of control. Cassie questioned whether there would be the ability to stop if the opportunity arose. On top of that, Cassie continually questions whether the marriage is actually open, since Cassie knows many couples with open relationships and none have such secrecy surrounding it. Cassie also noted that this type of out-of-control behavior she has only experienced once in her life - when her mom's sex-offender ex would give her hugs that lasted just a little bit too long as a teenager. Cassie and Christopher don't have sex often, most of the relationship between them outside of doctoral supervision involves date-like activities instead. ***

            my biggest questions are: does any of this raise any red flags? Is this strange behavior, or is it possible that the person in question is just inexperienced or perhaps even repressed sexually? I don't know anything about his sex life or past relationships, only that his current one is at least three years long. The person in question is also one of those people that seems super nice and shy to an awkward point outside of sexual activities, so the difference in behavior - super-passive to almost borderline aggressive, is a big anomaly.
            Any help/advice is greatly appreciated. Thank you.
            All of it is nothing but red flags. Yes, it's strange and weird behavior. He's married and off limits. You should know better. He's just as guilty and bad for being unfaithful to his wife. This "person" Christopher is super nice and shy. So what? He's cheating on his wife. What's so super shy and nice about that? Both of you are big anomalies. My advice is for you to do the right thing and break it off with Christopher so he can concentrate on being a husband to his wife.
            "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

            Comment


            • #7
              Both of you are big anomalies.
              Lmao...
              "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

              Comment


              • #8
                Is it all worth the risk of a lost marriage & a ruined career & reputation? Your "Professor" is an idiot!

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by phasesofthemoon View Post
                  Lmao...
                  Indeed
                  "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    is it really cheating though if it is already an open relationship?

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Its cheating YOU. What is wrong with you?

                      Are you content being someone's piece on the side? Don't you want to be with your own partner that you can hang out with, screw, share fun with or are you content in this shitfest you have got yourself involved in.

                      Besides: You are doubting if his marriage is open so why are you enabling him to cheat IF his wife is not on board with his having side pieces?

                      But to answer your question. It IS cheating if she isn't aware of what he is doing. If she's aware and is okay with it then no, it's not cheating.
                      "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        This is all I was mostly curious about. Is it really cheating? In the poly community this is not something I am familar with. I am poly, meaning I AM with my own partner. This other person is only someone I see extremely, extremely rarely, and it is relatively low interest for me. I was mostly just curious if my suspicions were correct.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by classicistgirl1985 View Post
                          This is all I was mostly curious about. Is it really cheating? In the poly community this is not something I am familar with. I am poly, meaning I AM with my own partner. This other person is only someone I see extremely, extremely rarely, and it is relatively low interest for me. I was mostly just curious if my suspicions were correct.
                          You are poly but you're not sure if he is but you still fuck him (even if only) occasionally? Don't you think it would have been prudent of you as a poly person to make sure you aren't helping a man (or woman if you are bi) to cheat on their partner?

                          Why don't you google for a Poly Forum and speak to those that are like yourself? They will have experience.

                          "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            In the Poly community, there is one big no go zone... You don't mess with a married man unless you know for a fact that he's poly as well.
                            This don't ask don't tell thing doesn't exist. It means the wife isn't okay with it at all, but fears losing her husband if she doesn't allow him his side chicks. So she closes her eyes and pretends it's not happening. It will still break her if she ever gets confronted with it.
                            Don't be that girl. Don't be a part in that.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by phasesofthemoon View Post

                              You are poly but you're not sure if he is but you still fuck him (even if only) occasionally? Don't you think it would have been prudent of you as a poly person to make sure you aren't helping a man (or woman if you are bi) to cheat on their partner?

                              Why don't you google for a Poly Forum and speak to those that are like yourself? They will have experience.
                              I 100% agree- he insisted several times he had this arrangement but it was DADT. I found this suspicious because I never encountered it before. You are right, he is probably just cheating and knew I would only sleep with him if he said he was open.

                              Comment

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