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  • No intimacy

    I've been with my so for 2 years. He is in his 34 (I am 30) and I am his first long term gf as well as his first live in gf. In addition I have 2 little boys which is a first for him too. We have been living together for almost a year. he is a nice guy and that was a welcome change from my previously emotionally and physically abusive relationship. When I first noticed there were intimacy issues I chalked it up to this all being new and him needing time to adjust. I am a pretty passionate person and I desire to be intimate with my boyfriend but he, on the other hand, is perfectly fine without it. He doesn't initiate kissing, touching or any type of sexual contact. He sometimes holds my hand or lifts his neck up wanting me to kiss on him but its only at his convenience. I have tried to spice things up for him by walking by him without any clothes on (when the children weren't home of course), suggesting we try his fantasies, even offered to watch porn with him. Nothing helped, and in fact he told me that me being naked around him made him uncomfortable and that he is not interested in sex. We have discussed this issue several times and at one point he called me selfish for not thinking about him and only thinking about myself for wanting to have sex with him. he is a larger guy and on medication for anxiety and depression so I felt bad and stopped asking for sex out of respect for him and because it was killing me to get constantly shut down. Then I found out that he was masturbating several times a week, even going as far as waiting until I was sleeping (laying right next to him) to get up and do it. I completely understand that men need to do self service sometimes but I haven't had intercourse with my boyfriend in over 8 months. His reasoning is that his erections are fleeting with me but he can self stimulate without an issue. not only will he not have intercourse with me he does not enjoy pleasuring me in the slightest. in fact, I go months at a time without him touching me and when he does, he doesn't even do it long enough for me to get anywhere and the rare times that we did have intercourse, all he does is lay there and im left to hop on and finish I suppose. I am to the point where I cant even masturbate myself because I am so mad that I have to take care of myself lol. There is no affection in or out of the bedroom and he has basically told me that it is what it is and he cant do anything about it. He says that he loves me very much and that it hurts him that him feeling love for me isnt "enough". There are smaller issues that are petty and miniscule in the scheme of things but they are beginning to add up quickly. I am contemplating ending the relationship but I feel bad because he is a nice guy and because this is the one and only relationship outside of my boys' father that I have involved my children in and I hate the thought of hurting either of them. I am truly at a loss, and I have no idea what I should do. HELP!
    Last edited by overthinker87; May 7th, 2018, 11:37 PM.

  • #2
    You two are obviously sexually incompatible. Sex is important, as in intimacy. It's what distinguishes your relationship from regular friendships or having a roommate. If that's absent, you might as well be just friends. Just because someone is nice, that doesn't mean they should be a romantic partner. All of my friends are nice, but I don't date them.

    His lack of sexdrive can be related to many things.
    - His medication for depression and anxiety probably lowers his libido drastically. This is a known side effect.
    - He likely has a problem with masturbation. Men who masturbate too much sometimes lose the ability to orgasm or enjoy sex with something other than their hand. When they do it themselves, they often have a very tight grip, something they will never have with a woman's vagina or mouth. If he'd be motivated to work on your sexual issues, he'd have to be willing to stop masturbating for a while (or at least cut down to maybe once a week).

    However, regardless of the problem, he seems unwilling to work on it or compromise in any way. He might be embarrassed, as it's often seen as a lack of manhood when a man can't satisfy his partner sexually. Or he might just be a selfish twat and not give a damn about your needs. Either way, I don't think this relationship is going to work out if simple compromises or consideration of your needs is that hard for him.
    I'd say follow your gut feeling and pack up your things and leave.

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    • #3
      My vote is that he's a selfish twat.

      I dated a man several years ago, that in his early 40's had already started having some unfortunate issues with ED.
      It sure as hell didn't stop him from wanting (and succeeding) at pleasing me in other ways......and not just physically.

      We didn't even make it to being 'in love' with one another (and only because he wasn't in a good head space at the time, for putting in the necessary effort to have a sustainable relationship, so we ended things amicable are now are the greatest of friends).

      My point is this:

      We weren't in love
      He had work he needed to do on himself, and knew it
      We were together for only a handful of months

      Yet, at no time was I ever made to feel unsatisfied, undesired, emotionally starved or neglected in ANY way.

      Geezus, honey, lose your guilt, and don't allow his dysfunctional approach to a relationship (in every capacity, I might add) be something that you 'put up' with.
      Oh, no, no, no. Start making plans to move out, and don't use your children as any excuse not to.

      What you'll actually be teaching them, is that life is too damn short to live unhappily (without the need for a detailed explanation of what that means)
      The definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result.

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