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  • The main issue with our relationship

    Okay, so i'll start with the fact, that my and my girlfriend's sexual relationship hasn't been the greatest... The deal is, I feel like my girlfriend is a big turn off, I cant get hard easily with her. I dont know if it's the anxiety or something more serious or maybe its just that she doesnt turn me on anymore. Story is, that we've been together for almost 8 months now, when we started dating and we started going to each other's place things were really hot, we were cuddling, kissing, I was always so hard during all that, I really wanted to get into the act sooner in our relationship, but she wasnt prepared for sex for a really long time, so I waited, I understood that some girls need time. She never really told me that she wants to wait, we have discussed about sex and she was really teasing me about it, like talking dirty sometimes and I thought that maybe she wants to try it, but when I tried to go for it, she always stopped me and never really told me why. During that time before she was ready I would often get her undressed since she didnt mind that, we would kiss and lie together watching movies, Obviously I was always turned on and hard because of that, but the more often we did that and the longer I had to wait, I was getting less and less turned on by all that and now, when I finally had an opportunity to do it with her, I couldnt get hard. So up to this day I am wondering what is really the matter in all this situation, like I started to think that maybe I had some kind of ED, but I put that thought aside since I do get hard when im alone like in the morning or seeing porn. Now the other thing that might be the case is that like when we meet up either at her place or mine, we would watch some movies and chill. We kiss and cuddle but when I undress her and see her naked I cant get a boner. Maybe it's because she never shows any initiative at all, she never kisses me first or anything, I know she wants me to do everything for her, but i lack eye contact from her, shes always turned away watching the movie and just waiting for something and when I asked her to give me a hand, because i cant get it up she said she didnt know how she could help me, so i told her, but she said no. The only thought I had: "Is she afraid of dicks??". Other day I asked her if she could help me next time and she told me that maybe she's not ready to do that yet. I was shocked, I mean it's so complicated with her, she lets me do with her, but I get no contact from her, which is a huge turn off for me. Now this is a long text, hope it's not too cringy, but I just really needed to let this shit out and couldnt think of a way how to summarize the whole situation in short. I really need some advice from you people, are me and my girlfriend not compatible partners or what? should look for someone whose sex drive matches mine? I'm literally always feeling horny and need action, but that what I get from my girlfriend is just devastating.

  • #2
    Aside from the sexual issue, is the relationship worth saving?

    The honeymoon period has passed and now you're seeing things for the way they are and will be in the future. If the sex is not satisfactory, and she's not willing to compromise, you are probably not compatible.
    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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    • #3
      Originally posted by Kreekeriss View Post
      Okay, so i'll start with the fact, that my and my girlfriend's sexual relationship hasn't been the greatest... The deal is, I feel like my girlfriend is a big turn off, I cant get hard easily with her. I dont know if it's the anxiety or something more serious or maybe its just that she doesnt turn me on anymore. Story is, that we've been together for almost 8 months now, when we started dating and we started going to each other's place things were really hot, we were cuddling, kissing, I was always so hard during all that, I really wanted to get into the act sooner in our relationship, but she wasnt prepared for sex for a really long time, so I waited, I understood that some girls need time. She never really told me that she wants to wait, we have discussed about sex and she was really teasing me about it, like talking dirty sometimes and I thought that maybe she wants to try it, but when I tried to go for it, she always stopped me and never really told me why. During that time before she was ready I would often get her undressed since she didnt mind that, we would kiss and lie together watching movies, Obviously I was always turned on and hard because of that, but the more often we did that and the longer I had to wait, I was getting less and less turned on by all that and now, when I finally had an opportunity to do it with her, I couldnt get hard. So up to this day I am wondering what is really the matter in all this situation, like I started to think that maybe I had some kind of ED, but I put that thought aside since I do get hard when im alone like in the morning or seeing porn. Now the other thing that might be the case is that like when we meet up either at her place or mine, we would watch some movies and chill. We kiss and cuddle but when I undress her and see her naked I cant get a boner. Maybe it's because she never shows any initiative at all, she never kisses me first or anything, I know she wants me to do everything for her, but i lack eye contact from her, shes always turned away watching the movie and just waiting for something and when I asked her to give me a hand, because i cant get it up she said she didnt know how she could help me, so i told her, but she said no. The only thought I had: "Is she afraid of dicks??". Other day I asked her if she could help me next time and she told me that maybe she's not ready to do that yet. I was shocked, I mean it's so complicated with her, she lets me do with her, but I get no contact from her, which is a huge turn off for me. Now this is a long text, hope it's not too cringy, but I just really needed to let this shit out and couldnt think of a way how to summarize the whole situation in short. I really need some advice from you people, are me and my girlfriend not compatible partners or what? should look for someone whose sex drive matches mine? I'm literally always feeling horny and need action, but that what I get from my girlfriend is just devastating.
      The problem is that someone who really loves and cares about you would want you to feel good so something isn't connecting there. Do you even feel like she cares about the way you feel? Ever? Also, if she's inexperienced in relationships in general, she may have no idea that the both of you just aren't compatible. She's just going with the flow and wondering if this is what a relationship is supposed to be. I'd ask yourself the same questions Sarah mentioned and try and figure out whether you both are doing it for each other at all. You may be moving too fast for her for so long that she's now habitually or instinctively guarded and self-conscious.

      Why wasn't she prepared for sex "for a really long time"? Was she abused previously or is she a virgin?

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      • #4
        Well, at the 8 month mark, the hubs and I were still going at it like rabbits. You and your girlfriend have burned through any passion you may have had for one another already. That's a huge issue IMO.

        I think you would be smart to end this now. You're not happy and her lack of response to any of your fondling or even skin on skin contact is a huge red flag that things will not be getting any better.

        Even virgins respond to sexual touching or the arousal of skin on skin contact so even if she is one, she's still quite "frigid" it would seem. I think sexual abuse is more likely or she's a product of Religious dogma that paints sex as a bad thing.
        Last edited by phasesofthemoon; April 24th, 2018, 03:07 PM.
        "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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        • #5
          Originally posted by SarahLancaster View Post
          Aside from the sexual issue, is the relationship worth saving?

          The honeymoon period has passed and now you're seeing things for the way they are and will be in the future. If the sex is not satisfactory, and she's not willing to compromise, you are probably not compatible.
          Yes, this relationship is worth saving i suppose, because that girl is really sweet and nice to me, she's supportive and always cares about me, its just that shes definetely not like the others. Im not yet sure whether she's wiling to compromise or not, because, well we havent done it many times yet, so i still have to find some things out...

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          • #6
            Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post

            The problem is that someone who really loves and cares about you would want you to feel good so something isn't connecting there. Do you even feel like she cares about the way you feel? Ever? Also, if she's inexperienced in relationships in general, she may have no idea that the both of you just aren't compatible. She's just going with the flow and wondering if this is what a relationship is supposed to be. I'd ask yourself the same questions Sarah mentioned and try and figure out whether you both are doing it for each other at all. You may be moving too fast for her for so long that she's now habitually or instinctively guarded and self-conscious.

            Why wasn't she prepared for sex "for a really long time"? Was she abused previously or is she a virgin?
            She's always supportive and cares about me. I think that she cares about how i feel, even though she never asked about that. She as far as I know, does not have any experience in relationships, because im her first to be in a serious relationship, I also havent been in a relationship, but somehow have a better idea about how it is supposed to go. And what I meant when she said she was not prepared, is that she was just a virgin, nothing more.

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            • #7
              Originally posted by phasesofthemoon View Post
              Well, at the 8 month mark, the hubs and I were still going at it like rabbits. You and your girlfriend have burned through any passion you may have had for one another already. That's a huge issue IMO.

              I think you would be smart to end this now. You're not happy and her lack of response to any of your fondling or even skin on skin contact is a huge red flag that things will not be getting any better.

              Even virgins respond to sexual touching or the arousal of skin on skin contact so even if she is one, she's still quite "frigid" it would seem. I think sexual abuse is more likely or she's a product of Religious dogma that paints sex as a bad thing.
              I still have a little hope that she will change in a good way and time will fix the issue, if not, ill try talking to her and find out whats the problem, because i didnt really have the guts to talk about it with her. Although I have asked few times what was the problem when she didnt want to respond properly, but didnt get an answer, just "i dont know". As far as I know, she has never been sexually abused and she is not religious.

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              • #8
                I think you are learning that you two have different sex drives. It doesn't sound like sex or your pleasure is all that important to her. Given how nice she is in other areas are you willing to live like this -- not having a satisfying sex life -- for the rest of your life? If yes, carry on. If no, tell her that this is becoming a deal breaker for you.

                BTW, the TV should be off during sex. If she's watching TV while you are trying to get busy & you don't have her full attention, this is doomed, IMO

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                • #9
                  Originally posted by Kreekeriss View Post

                  She's always supportive and cares about me. I think that she cares about how i feel, even though she never asked about that. She as far as I know, does not have any experience in relationships, because im her first to be in a serious relationship, I also havent been in a relationship, but somehow have a better idea about how it is supposed to go. And what I meant when she said she was not prepared, is that she was just a virgin, nothing more.
                  She just seems a bit young and shy (not quite with it). Sexual compatibility generally is fairly important in a relationship and it's another way to bond with your partner. Some people might not be as ready as others to go that route. You both have to find a happy medium if you'd like it to work in the long term. If she's making you unhappy in other ways or refuses to bond with you in that way you might want to ask yourself if this is something you can live with.

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