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My husband sexts a lot when I am away. Is it cheating?

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  • My husband sexts a lot when I am away. Is it cheating?

    It's been 4 years, Whenever I leave home for few days, he sexts on various apps sometimes even video chats. How I know this? I many times caught his logs, and he admitted. But now, it's just understood. He loves me at my worst, I am an independent woman because of him. He supports me everytime I need. But, this one thing in our relationship almost kills me. From past one year, we have sex once in two-three months. I never see him initiating. We cuddle , kiss a lot, but no sex. I tried to communicate, but all I have got is silence. He doesn't want to leave me, but I know he does not want me physically. I have become cold now, I know when he sexts with random women online, but now I don't feel anything, no anger no sadness. I love him and he loves me. We both are 30 and have been together since 11 years , married for 5 years. I don't know the way to comfort myself. I need advice , from male perspective as well. Thanks!

  • #2
    Yes, this is cheating. How could you even think this isn't cheating?
    What would you do if you would catch him in the act, doing the thing he sexts about, but then in real life, to another woman? Would you leave him? This is no different.
    You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf

    Comment


    • #3
      Loving someone isn't always enough to make a marriage work. In addition to love, there must be respect for your marriage, honesty, and faithfulness. All you have is 'love.' If you want a happy life, you need to find someone who respects you and is committed to you.
      "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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      • #4
        but now I don't feel anything, no anger no sadness.
        Well, that's not exactly true. If it were, you'd not be posting here asking:
        I don't know the way to comfort myself. I need advice ,
        Straight up: You leave him or if you won't do that then how about you get your own lover outside of the marriage. Tell him what you're doing and if he doesn't want you to then you tell him then he gets therapy for his addiction to wanking off to stranger women over the internet and if he doesn't, THAT is exactly what you will be doing because you don't know how to comfort yourself but another man may. Mean it or don't bother saying it but if you're not going to leave and you're not going to step out for sexual comfort then get the therapy you need. You're codependent and addicted to him being in your life but it's not love you two have... it's addiction.
        "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

        Comment


        • #5
          Hes likely addicted to porn and or the thrill of sexting. His Neuro pathways have rewired so the
          pleasure action centre is activated by his behaviours . Either he changes and gets help... a willingness on his
          part or unfortunately this will be your lot... unless you leave... as he is technically cheating

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by Miya27 View Post
            It's been 4 years, Whenever I leave home for few days, he sexts on various apps sometimes even video chats. How I know this? I many times caught his logs, and he admitted. But now, it's just understood. He loves me at my worst, I am an independent woman because of him. He supports me everytime I need. But, this one thing in our relationship almost kills me. From past one year, we have sex once in two-three months. I never see him initiating. We cuddle , kiss a lot, but no sex. I tried to communicate, but all I have got is silence. He doesn't want to leave me, but I know he does not want me physically. I have become cold now, I know when he sexts with random women online, but now I don't feel anything, no anger no sadness. I love him and he loves me. We both are 30 and have been together since 11 years , married for 5 years. I don't know the way to comfort myself. I need advice , from male perspective as well. Thanks!
            He may be cheating but you also may have changed in the time since you've been married and he's just not attracted to you (you mentioned you know he doesn't want you physically). Yes, marriage means for better or for worse but we can't force people to be attracted to us. Ideally, we'd like to think that no matter what shape or size, our partners will love us till thy kingdom come. And no, he doesn't have to be disrespectful to you by engaging in this rotten behaviour but you might not be what he signed up for in the first place. Have you changed or are there physical aspects about you that have changed over time?

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            • #7
              Yes you're darn right he's cheating. Professional marriage counseling will hopefully help.
              "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post

                He may be cheating but you also may have changed in the time since you've been married and he's just not attracted to you (you mentioned you know he doesn't want you physically). Yes, marriage means for better or for worse but we can't force people to be attracted to us. Ideally, we'd like to think that no matter what shape or size, our partners will love us till thy kingdom come. And no, he doesn't have to be disrespectful to you by engaging in this rotten behaviour but you might not be what he signed up for in the first place. Have you changed or are there physical aspects about you that have changed over time?
                It doesn't matter what she 'has become.' That's no excuse to cheat so telling her such a thing isn't relevant. Her possible new body is not why he is no longer wanting much sex with her... they do have it once a month or so, so he's still attracted to her somewhat or he likely wouldn't bother at all. His lack of wanting sex with her (or anyone else likely) is because he's addicted to what he's doing and THAT is what he has conditioned himself to be turned on by.
                "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by phasesofthemoon View Post

                  It doesn't matter what she 'has become.' That's no excuse to cheat so telling her such a thing isn't relevant. Her possible new body is not why he is no longer wanting much sex with her... they do have it once a month or so, so he's still attracted to her somewhat or he likely wouldn't bother at all. His lack of wanting sex with her (or anyone else likely) is because he's addicted to what he's doing and THAT is what he has conditioned himself to be turned on by.
                  I think saying that he is still attracted to her when she clearly said in her post that she knows he doesn't want her is being a little too optimistic. He's not attracted to her from the looks of it, period. Just because they have sex with each other may not automatically mean that he's attracted to her at all. He may be pleasing her for her sake. I'm not trying to rub salt in the wound and I'm not working to kick her while she's down. What I'm telling her to do is asking her to see it for what it really is. If she's not the woman for him (changes or no changes), she shouldn't put up with it. Whether he's conditioned or not, she still shouldn't have to put up with that behaviour. At this point your diagnosis is speculation, just as much as mine - hence my questions to the OP herself.

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                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post

                    I think saying that he is still attracted to her when she clearly said in her post that she knows he doesn't want her is being a little too optimistic. He's not attracted to her from the looks of it, period. Just because they have sex with each other may not automatically mean that he's attracted to her at all. He may be pleasing her for her sake. I'm not trying to rub salt in the wound and I'm not working to kick her while she's down. What I'm telling her to do is asking her to see it for what it really is. If she's not the woman for him (changes or no changes), she shouldn't put up with it. Whether he's conditioned or not, she still shouldn't have to put up with that behaviour. At this point your diagnosis is speculation, just as much as mine - hence my questions to the OP herself.
                    Phases said somewhat attracted and I agree as if there is zero attraction he likely wouldn't be able to please her for her sake.
                    The op did not say she wasn't attractive and I'm guessing if there was a significant change in her body she would have mentioned it. She simply said he doesn't want her physically , that could be due to a number of reasons. Yes including body change , but also boredom been there done that, they got together very young and perhaps only has had sex with her and is now curious, a single mate introducing him to a website that he suddenly has become conditioned to getting off on.

                    I find it odd Rose that your first conclusion (or speculation) is that she must have got fat and therefore he's cheating.
                    Lets assume since the op hasn't said she got fat that she did. That could very well be his reason for not initiating sex but it is certainly not a reason for cheating which he is doing. And it's telling the op that it's her fault.

                    If he decided his wife has got too fat to have sex with , he has options.
                    He can leave her (which suggests the love they had was based on physical attraction mostly) or he can encourage her to get back in shape (suggesting physical attraction but also more genuine love) or he can cheat (suggesting again physical attraction was the main factor they stayed together but without love or respect)

                    OP, you mention you are indepedant because of him. That doesn't make sense to me.
                    Does that mean if you split up you will suddenly not be independent ? So therefore you are actually codependent like Phases suggested?

                    It would be good if you could answer roses question actually.
                    Maybe it's the other way around? Your hubby has got too fat to physically do the deed and resorts to sexting while eating a hamburger?? Lol

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post

                      He may be cheating but you also may have changed in the time since you've been married and he's just not attracted to you (you mentioned you know he doesn't want you physically). Yes, marriage means for better or for worse but we can't force people to be attracted to us. Ideally, we'd like to think that no matter what shape or size, our partners will love us till thy kingdom come. And no, he doesn't have to be disrespectful to you by engaging in this rotten behaviour but you might not be what he signed up for in the first place. Have you changed or are there physical aspects about you that have changed over time?
                      Your question is very reasonable. And nobody remains physically same over a long period of time. And in the starting years of our dating there was a time when i gained weight and there was a time when he gained weight too , but that was never a problem, we always encouraged each other , helped each other. And from past few years we both are actually in a good shape.
                      And for a long time, I also thought may be "I am not the same what he signed for in the first place" . Many times, I asked him indirectly, directly, in every way. But all I get is "I don't want anyone else" "I will never cheat on you" "I am trying to change" .
                      And the last time, around five months ago, when I tried to communicate , I asked him to tell me clearly what he wants, I urged him to talk to me regarding all this, but all i got was silence. And since then , life is going as it is. When we are together, we talk about our aims, our career, our families, etc. we support each other in tough times, we help each other in work. For everyone else, we are like the perfect couple, that has been together since 11 years. and this thing has just become quite a private part of his life. And I know even if I want to confront him, I will get the same old answers.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        @Maggiemay4791
                        What i meant by saying that i am independent because of him, is that, we met when we were 18 , we started our career together, when we both didn't even know what we wanted to do or become in life. We both supported each other to reach our aims. When no one else could believe in us, we believed in each other. Thats what I want to say is that whatever I am today or he is today , that's because of each other. And trying to end a relationship with someone who has been with me in my worse and my good , is just too tough. I left him twice when this started, he admitted his behavior, and each time, he said he wanted me in his life and no one else. He still admits , and he still doesn't want anyone else to be his life partner, but whenever I want to talk to him about our physical relationship, i get no answer.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Miya27 View Post

                          Your question is very reasonable. And nobody remains physically same over a long period of time. And in the starting years of our dating there was a time when i gained weight and there was a time when he gained weight too , but that was never a problem, we always encouraged each other , helped each other. And from past few years we both are actually in a good shape.
                          And for a long time, I also thought may be "I am not the same what he signed for in the first place" . Many times, I asked him indirectly, directly, in every way. But all I get is "I don't want anyone else" "I will never cheat on you" "I am trying to change" .
                          And the last time, around five months ago, when I tried to communicate , I asked him to tell me clearly what he wants, I urged him to talk to me regarding all this, but all i got was silence. And since then , life is going as it is. When we are together, we talk about our aims, our career, our families, etc. we support each other in tough times, we help each other in work. For everyone else, we are like the perfect couple, that has been together since 11 years. and this thing has just become quite a private part of his life. And I know even if I want to confront him, I will get the same old answers.
                          Thanks for clarifying! I assumed it wasn't a major physical body change since you didn't mention it.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Miya27 View Post
                            @Maggiemay4791
                            What i meant by saying that i am independent because of him, is that, we met when we were 18 , we started our career together, when we both didn't even know what we wanted to do or become in life. We both supported each other to reach our aims. When no one else could believe in us, we believed in each other. Thats what I want to say is that whatever I am today or he is today , that's because of each other. And trying to end a relationship with someone who has been with me in my worse and my good , is just too tough. I left him twice when this started, he admitted his behavior, and each time, he said he wanted me in his life and no one else. He still admits , and he still doesn't want anyone else to be his life partner, but whenever I want to talk to him about our physical relationship, i get no answer.
                            It certainly sounds more like codependency like Phases suggested.

                            You have left him twice, his behaviour didn't change. So why did you go back?
                            All you have done is believed his cheap words (he is codependent on you too) and basically told him that you are willing to accept him cheat on you. He is not as invested in your marriage as much as you are.

                            This needs professional counselling. Not a relationship forum.
                            Will he go?


                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Miya27 View Post

                              Your question is very reasonable. And nobody remains physically same over a long period of time. And in the starting years of our dating there was a time when i gained weight and there was a time when he gained weight too , but that was never a problem, we always encouraged each other , helped each other. And from past few years we both are actually in a good shape.
                              And for a long time, I also thought may be "I am not the same what he signed for in the first place" . Many times, I asked him indirectly, directly, in every way. But all I get is "I don't want anyone else" "I will never cheat on you" "I am trying to change" .
                              And the last time, around five months ago, when I tried to communicate , I asked him to tell me clearly what he wants, I urged him to talk to me regarding all this, but all i got was silence. And since then , life is going as it is. When we are together, we talk about our aims, our career, our families, etc. we support each other in tough times, we help each other in work. For everyone else, we are like the perfect couple, that has been together since 11 years. and this thing has just become quite a private part of his life. And I know even if I want to confront him, I will get the same old answers.
                              Yes, thank you for clarifying. Someone very close to me had their marriage fall apart due to issues regarding body image, chronic illness and lifestyle choices. The separation and realization of those issues was very painful on the both of them so I was only curious. I definitely agree with the professional counselling for your husband if he will agree to it. How much more of this are you willing to put up with if he rejects any help?

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