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Serial honeymooner (potential sex addict) here, I feel like I am living a lie.

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  • Serial honeymooner (potential sex addict) here, I feel like I am living a lie.

    So I have moved very far away to be with my fiancÚ. So I have no friends I can really talk to about this, so enter you wonderful unbiased opinion givers of the internet!

    I'll start at the beginning of my problem.

    I was fourteen and had just become more comfortable in my skin, thanks to hundreds of likes on social media sites. I had never thought I was a beautiful girl, still don't and the sudden attention was odd. I had always been told I was 'weirdly pretty' or better yet that i was like a pretty alien, whatever that means. I know I'm moderately attractive and now that I am older I realize that being ugly beautiful isn't bad and that I have features that are interesting. At the time, I didn't really know why loads of people liked my looks. Mostly guys liked my weird looks. I went from that loser emo girl to this girl that could get any guy I wanted: and I was NOT more attractive than 90% of the girls in my grade. My first kiss was by the most popular guy in high school at the Friday night football game and I didn't know how I pulled it off. My grandma always said it was my dark hair and blue eyes that could get me anyone. I took advantage of the sudden attention in the worst way.

    There was a guy I liked. I had never spoken to him. I asked him out and he said yes (you know, at that young it doesn't take much effort). I felt so powerful. I had gotten the hottest high school boy interested in me and it was me who wasn't interested in him, AND I was dating the guy I had day dreamed about for a year. It wasn't long until I lost my virginity to him. After about five months, he dumped me. The good old 'I'm just not ready for a relationship, but I love you, followed up by him dating this girl I knew he crushed on). Instead of crying about it, I went for revenge. I slept with his best friend (wrong, BUT he could have said no). He found out about it and came crying to me. Now onto the real issues. I quickly moved on to a 'friend with benefits' named Dylan. Dylan was also way out of my league in my opinion, and it actually worked out that we made great friends. We would sleep with each other for the next three years. Then I turned fifteen. I was at my dads house and set my eyes on another target. A much more lethal target. My dad lived with a friend who had a younger friend, who was long tan and handsome. I knew I wouldn't be able to pull him as I had seen the girls he typically dated who were smoking and he was in his mid twenties. I don't know what changed, I think it may be a subtle way I tune myself when I like someone, because I had seen this man every weekend for a year and nothing was there. Suddenly because I wanted him, it seemed he was willing. He made dirty comments about me all night when my dad wasn't around and it led up to us fucking in the middle of the living room at 3 in the morning. It was exhilarating knowing that any moment we could be caught and the taboo that he was ten years older than me made it so much better. The next day and for weeks after, he tried to talk to me. I rewarded his efforts on occasion with sex in the woods or in his truck, but I was quickly becoming uninterested and I ignored him. I think that was the moment that really set the beat to my junkie heart.

    I wanted something more dangerous. It wouldn't be years for that to happen, but I was determined. In the mean time I moved on to other guys in my high school. If I had to guess, I would say I slept with twenty guys from the time I was 15 to 16. I loved the feeling of new and unknown. I hated knowing what was going to happen. I was in my Jr year when things really took off. I met my new theatre instructor. I wanted him more than anyone that I had ever wanted. Every day I imagined what it would be like to sleep with him and I imagined it while I slept with the boring teenage boys who I felt like were just time fillers. One day I took the chance; after class at the end of the day, I sat on his desk. I complimented his new hair cut and ran my fingers through it. He flinched. I claimed that I knew he looked at me and that I knew why he always picked me as the lead. I manipulated him into looking like the love struck puppy when it was me. I gave him my number and left thinking that nothing would happen, but that night I got a call and we were fucking within the hour. That lasted about a month before I was bored and moved on. I went through boyfriend after boyfriend, loving the first two weeks and hating the third. I even dated guys who cheated just because I knew I would get tired and ultimately cheat on them or dump them anyways. But the time I was eighteen I slept with easily more than 35 guys, five of which were 10+ years older than me. When I was eighteen I moved to Germany with my grandma. I got into prostitution not really for the money but for the wrongness of it and the feeling it gave me. In Berlin I met this guy in his late thirties, strung out on cocaine and into some really weird shit. My junkie heart was pounding. He was the human form of ever strange urge I had. He was older, mean, and would make me do things I didn't want to do. I have a kink for people with weird kinks; the weirder the better, unless it has to do with fecal matter. We were a thing for about six months. Six months of fighting and violent sex. It was great. But again, I became bored and after so long of pure madness in every aspect of my life, from the sex, to the lying, and everything in between, I finally wanted calm.

    And it came. When I was twenty I met my now fiancÚ. He is the most kind and gentle man I have ever met. He is so sweet. But he doesn't know about my past. I think he thinks that I am innocent. He's innocent. He is much older than me, and yet I think he has only ever had three girlfriends. I definitely have the feeling that he was a guy who didn't lose his virginity until he was 30, and not intentionally. He is so handsome, but he is painfully shy. The past year and a half has been great. But I have gotten a new job and I feel the urges coming back. The urge to feel that moment of the first time you have sex with someone. I need to be back in the honeymoon phase and I need to have chaos. My fiancÚ is so gentle in the bedroom and sometimes I just want to tell him to choke me and when we argue I wish he would just tell me to shut up and nail me like the others have. I almost wish we had loads of problems that we could yell at each other over and I wish he would be mean.

    I have been leading my boss on at work with words. I would never let it go past that and if he touched me I would quit the job. But I have found myself trembling at my desk wanting him. Not really him, but just the foreignness. He told me the other day that I should be fucked hard for the way I lead him on. He detailed it greatly and I had to leave before it was all too much.

    I feel like if I just told him about my past and it was in the open, I wouldn't feel this way. I know he would do anything I asked him to and I suspect that he would be into some of the things I'm into, he's just to shy and thinks I would recoil. But I also feel like if I told him these secrets, which I have never said a word to anyone about, he might think I am bragging or trying to make him feel bad.

    I don't know what to do or if I need to seek help or eat a potato any time an urge comes on. I would never leave my fiancÚ and feel I have found the one, I just wish the urge to essentially wreck my life would go away. I don't want to at some point even have my attitude ruin our relationship. I want my manipulative man eating ways to end and to just be content. Should I tell him? Advice?

  • #2
    sounds like my life story except the last part of.. i would never leave my fiance.. you obviously have a sex addiction problem so you need to get professional therapy to cure this addiction. based on my therapy you can not manage this addiction by yourself for long. your addiction is probably physical as well as mental due to an over abundance of hormones, high self esteem and a lack of self control.

    i have been in therapy for six months for same reasons you have confessed to and still think and act like you. by the time i was eighteen i could remember at least 50 guys that fucked me and now over 200. i lost my cherry a year younger than when you did.

    wish you good luck in being cured.


    • #3
      Well, I think the title of your post is correct. You have a sex addidtion.
      The reason why it's coming back now, is because you haven't tackled the reason behind your addiction. You never got to the bottom why you feel better having meaningless, sometimes degrading and violent sex, then the kind of sex that flows from love and connecting with another human being on a deeper level.
      Those cravings won't go away until you dig deep and explore what led you to lead that kind of lifestyle. Have you ever been to a therapist? If not it's time you do.

      Until you've made some progress with a therapist, I strongly doubt that you're in the right frame of mind to be in a relationship. You need to realise that the "honeymoon" phase will eventually disappear in every relationship. There's no possible way you'll ever keep that spark alive in the same intensity as before. That's just not how it works. Our brains aren't wired like that. It's a purely hormonal thing. Even if your fiancÚ experiments with some new things with you, those too will wear out eventually. Are you prepared to accept that? Will you be able to handle that without cheating on him? (And while we're on this topic. You're already cheating on him emotionally with your behaviour with your boss).
      You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf


      • #4
        I read that story in Penthouse Magazine in 1978.

        "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!


        • #5
          Is this a joke? You seem like a fully cognizant adult human being writing on an xxx column, proud of your achievements and self-identified as a troublemaker, not someone in the throes of any despair or real consternation. There's a large deal of romanticism there in your writing that's over the top and if I were you, I'd wake up.

          It may be in your best interests to seek therapy and counselling for your issues. Also take responsibility for your actions and for your relationship that you've taken on. It's also very sad that the one person who should know you best, doesn't know you at all. That's a sad lie of a life to live.
          Last edited by Rose Mosse; March 8th, 2018, 03:59 PM.