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Dating 5 1/2 years, dissatisfied sex life

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  • Dating 5 1/2 years, dissatisfied sex life

    my boyfriend and I have been dating for about 5 1/2 years. We’re both 23. One of the biggest issues in our relationship has always been related to sex. For the first couple of years in our relationship, we had sex pretty often but it was mostly about him- we’d have sex, he’d orgasm and that was that. He never paid much attention to stimulating me or making sure I was satisfied. I’m a very giving person so I thought as long as he was satisfied, I was okay with him just rolling over and going to bed after sex. I never spoke up about my needs. I was young, dumb, and to be honest I placed my needs below everyone else’s way too much. But to be fair, both of us were virgins before we met. I’m the only sexual experience he’s had, so (as he claims) he was pretty inexperienced about it. Plus, it has always been difficult for me to orgasm during sex (I can orgasm fine on my own) so that complicated things, but he’s not very attentive with foreplay despite me trying to guide him and remind him of what works for me, so that doesn’t help. Combine that with the fact that he doesn’t last long and you find a pretty tricky situation. Anyways, after about 2-3 years of dating and learning how to speak up more for my own needs, I reached a point where I couldn’t continue to hold him to such low standards (where I wasn’t voicing my own needs to him and holding him accountable for my sexual satisfaction). We had a lot of long talks about things, and decided that we were both going to work harder to better our sex life- I was going to work on speaking up more to let him know what I needed (because he can’t read my mind), and he was going to work on being more attentive and selfless in the bedroom. We (I) even found a hands-free sex toy that we can use during sex that gets me to orgasm more often. Fair enough right?

    Fast forward to today. I’m feeling more miserable about my sex life than I ever have before. Sex continues to be a major issue in our relationship- except this time, it’s flipped around in many ways. Before I started voicing my needs, he was kinda pushy about sex and usually wanted it more than I did. Then I started putting my foot down and saying “my satisfaction is just as important as yours, I deserve the same amount of effort as I give you, we need to figure this out because it’s not working.” Now, we don’t have sex nearly as often as we used to. Last month we only had sex maybe 5 times. Same for the month before. We’ve been living together for almosd 2 years now so we see each other more than ever, yet we have less sex than we did when we were in college/not seeing each other everyday. He doesn’t initiate sex nearly as much, and when he does it’s right before bed- he’ll nudge up against me in bed to “let me know” he’s aroused and we’ll have foreplay for not even 5 minutes before we actually have sex. Even though we found a hands-free toy during sex to help me along, he rarely makes an effort to initiate using the toy. It’s almost always me. I’ve tried to “spice things up” by sending him a risqué picture while he’s at work every once in a while (hoping that he’ll come home later and initiate something, but he never does). I’ve even been trying to do new things outside of my comfort zone (*which doesn’t mean I’m uncomfortable with them, just not as familiar with them*), like swallowing after a BJ (sorry TMI) or taking pictures during sex- basically stuff that he likes that I’ve been trying to do in hopes that be more sexy or dominant about initiating sex (at least beyond just rubbing up against me whenever he wants to do it right before bed...)

    None of this has worked and I’m still left feeling unsatisfied, not desirable, and incredibly frustrated. I really don’t know what else to do. I’m at a time in my life where I feel like I should be having more sex (and more good sex, at that). I shouldn’t already be feeling like this at 23! I get that we’ve been together for a little while now so things are bound to cool down a bit, but this doesn’t feel right. Laying in bed, feeling angry and hurt and confused as he rolls over and goes to sleep after a week of no sex doesn’t feel normal. We’ve talked about it so many times, this same issue, yet nothing gets fixed. We’ll talk about it, come to some sort of a solution by having sex more, he’ll initiate using the toy maybe once after our talk, and then we fall right back into the same routine. We’ve also talked about “love languages” and he knows that physical touch is my dominant “language,” so physical intimacy and sex are really important to my happiness in the relationship. He knows this, yet he still doesn’t prioritize it. Even things like holding hands or cuddling are all initiated by me because he “forgets to do things like that sometimes.” Just a couple weeks ago we talked about our own love languages and how we can use our knowledge of the other persons’ to make them happy. It didn’t help with anything.


    I don’t know what to do. I would ever never cheat on him but sometimes I just want to go out one night, dance hook up with some random guy because I need that affection. I need to feel desired. I would never do that but I feel this need. I can’t help but get excited whenever a guy shows interest in me or flirts with me because I don’t feel desired by my boyfriend. I hate it because I love him so much and we’ve been together for so long and been through so much. We have a rough plan on getting married in a couple years and I don’t want to break up with him. But I can’t keep living like this.
    Everything else in our relationship is great. We enjoy each others company and he’s always trying to make me happy. I worry that he’s anxious about performing and not disappointing me so he’s avoiding sex. What can I do about this? I try to be encouraging. I’m very patient. Should we go to relationship counseling or sex therapy? I really don’t want to have to do that and spend the money on it but I’m gettkng desperate.

  • #2
    i think your idea about finding a friend with benefits is the best solution. i don't know how you put up with him only lasting a few minutes and rolling off you. i would dump him in preference of talented sex partner but seems you want to continue the relationship. therapy and counseling will not make him a better lover physically.

    if you find a dynamic sex partner and are honest with him that you are only interested in good sex with him you will be much better off. this is the only way i think you will be able to stay with your current partner long term.

    Comment


    • #3
      I've been exactly where you are. By the time I was 26, we were down to once every 6 weeks! You don't know frustration until you realise you can count the amount of times you had sex in a year on 2 hands!
      The problem here is that sex has become a chore for him. You've let him get away with being a selfish lover for so long, that now that you've forced him to pay attention to you, he just doesn't want to bother anymore.
      A man that doesn't instinctively care whether his partner is enjoying sex just as much as he is, will never learn. It's not about learning the ropes, it's about WANTING to learn, to be better, to be giving. He just doesn't care.

      Down the line, you can expect your self esteem to drop because you start to feel unattractive. You start to doubt yourself. You start to feel like less than a woman, undesirable. The temptation to cheat will only grow.
      Stay one step ahead of that. Don't let this situation lower your standards of behavior. Don't become a cheater over this. End the relationship and in time, open yourself up to new experiences.
      Don't settle for a guy who doesn't try his best to make you orgasm from the very first time.
      You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf

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      • #4
        You are too young and inexperienced to accept this.
        Someone in their 50's for example might forego passion for companionship. But only because they have been there done that and it becomes less important .

        Dont blame yourself or him. Put it down to inexperience on both parts.

        You could suggest to open your relationship for a year and see what happens. But you need to be prepared for that to be the end of your relationship?

        Or just end it cleanly.

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by rabbithabit View Post
          i think your idea about finding a friend with benefits is the best solution. i don't know how you put up with him only lasting a few minutes and rolling off you. i would dump him in preference of talented sex partner but seems you want to continue the relationship. therapy and counseling will not make him a better lover physically.

          if you find a dynamic sex partner and are honest with him that you are only interested in good sex with him you will be much better off. this is the only way i think you will be able to stay with your current partner long term.
          I don’t even care much about how skilled of a lover he is. I just want effort. If he shows a lot of effort, gives me more affection and attention, but it doesn’t end in orgasm, I’m okay with that. It’s just that he’s not doing that AND I don’t ogasm AND we’re not having much sex to begin with, you know?
          i don’t just want a casual friends and benefits. I’m the kind of person who needs romance and friendship and long-term relationships. I don’t think I could do casual sex with someone.

          Comment


          • #6
            Last night he went into the bathroom and masturbated before bed (I know because he was in there for a long time and I asked him this morning if that’s what he did and he said yes) even though we haven’t had sex in a week and I was right there in the bedroom. When I asked why, he said he fell asleep. I said no, we were both up on our phones/I was reading a book for about half an hour before we both went to bed. He didn’t just fall asleep. So he said “okay I intended to masturbate in the bathroom so we could have sex after and I’d last longer” (EXCEPT WE DIDN’T HAVE SEX?? He never mentioned sex or tried to initiate anything before we went to bed so this makes no sense!)
            I know he’’s masturbating more often than we’’re having sex, which hurts because he never initiates or he says he’s too tired because of work or he has to wake up early for work so he doesn’t want to be kept up late. Which is understandable, except if that’s the case why doesn’t he initiate earlier in the day so he doesn’t have to go to bed late??
            When I confronted him about all of this this morning, he said he doesnt really know why he sometimes masturbates instead of initiating sex other than that’s its “easier and more convenient.” I asked if that’s because I started asking for my needs to be met in sex? So it’s not as “easy” for him as it used to be when I didn’t ask for anything? He said “I hadn’t thought about it like that but maybe you’re right.” I explained that we need to figure this out, that I can’t stay in a relationship like this if nothing changes, and he said he wants to talk about it and he wants to stay with me. Then he had to leave for work. So that’s where we’re at right now.
            *ETA: sorry for any grammar/spelling mistakes. This website isn’t the most phone-friendly to type on.
            Last edited by Reeses77; March 5th, 2018, 10:37 AM.

            Comment


            • #7
              i find it difficult to imagine that any guy would want to masturbate alone with his hand as opposed to you masturbating him with your mouth. my guys love to masturbate in my mouth saying more enjoyable and cleaner as I always swallow then clean them well. something is definitely mentally askew with your husband. he needs to see his doctor for help.

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              • #8
                It doesn't seem like you're connecting on an emotional level. You may say you love him but you're not connecting. Otherwise, you'd know what's bothering him and why his libido/energy is down in that area. You should talk it out and be on the same page. Stop making sex (as in sexual acts) the focus of your conversation. Couples need other mental stimulation to feel completely healthy enough to support physical and emotional intimacy for the long term. What you're lacking in, both of you, is endurance and consistency. You need to dig much deeper than surface level sex.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post
                  It doesn't seem like you're connecting on an emotional level. You may say you love him but you're not connecting. Otherwise, you'd know what's bothering him and why his libido/energy is down in that area. You should talk it out and be on the same page. Stop making sex (as in sexual acts) the focus of your conversation. Couples need other mental stimulation to feel completely healthy enough to support physical and emotional intimacy for the long term. What you're lacking in, both of you, is endurance and consistency. You need to dig much deeper than surface level sex.
                  I think you’re on to something. I don’t know if you know anything about Myers-Briggs personality types, but I’m an INFP and he’s an ENTJ. In other words, we’re compatible based on intuition, but how we interact with the world/people around us and how we make decisions are polar opposite. I operate mostly based on feelings (emotion), while he operates based on thinking (logic). I’m very in-touch with my emotions, and I “wear my heart on my sleeve” so to speak, while he’s not a very emotional person and he thinks more in terms of what’s logical, or what’s the most productive and convenient way to go about things. it’s not in his nature to operate based primarily on feelings, so it’s very easy to have misunderstandings and confusion. I approach situations from a more emotional, feelings-based standpoint and he approaches situations from a more logical, quick solution standpoint. We’ve always felt a disconnect in this manner, and most of the time we’re not on the same page unless we’re really on top of communicating well (which I’d say we’re pretty good at in general, but it can be exhausting and sex is our weak point in communicating and some days we’re just not in the frame of mind to operate on such a communicative level or to even be aware enough to recognize when we’re not staying on top of it). I don’t know if this makes any sense, hopefully you have some knowledge about Myers-Briggs lol
                  Basically, I think you’re absolutely right in saying that we’re not connecting on an emotional level. The question is, is it fixable? And if so, what can we do to fix it? We can make compromises, but at the end of the day we can’t change who we are or what our psychological personalities are.
                  Last edited by Reeses77; March 5th, 2018, 03:00 PM.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    I have some knowledge of Myers-Briggs. I was INTJ thirty years ago. I'm not sure if I'm still the same. I retook again and it was a different result which I don't remember or there was a high likelihood I laughed a bit at myself because it was the polar opposite and it had no bearing on the person I am. I think when you get older you learn to blend into different situations and bend(not break). I've found different situations call for different levels of thinking versus feeling, judging versus perceiving, intuition versus extraversion and so on. Human beings don't stay static as any type. Ideally we should be growing and evolving and becoming more and more adaptable as we grow older and wiser.

                    My advice is to try not to adhere or think too deeply about your specific type with this test as you may be inhibiting yourself from evolving and growing in different ways. Come together and learn with each other.

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                    • #11
                      What’s interesting is we do connect emotionally on specific things. For example, we’ve talked about how our personalities are polar opposites in many ways, how we’re rarely on the same page and how we need to be aware of the ofher’s personality tendencies. Thanks to our compatible intutive ways of thinking, we have a lot of long, in-depth conversations about certain things. These conversations have helped us learn more about each other in many ways. We still run into issues of logic vs emotion (me having a need for him to operate emotionally, him needing me to function not as emotionally/more logically, finding an impossible balance between the two). But then there’s sex- and there’s just a huge gap in our emotional connection there. I don’t get it.

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                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post
                        I have some knowledge of Myers-Briggs. I was INTJ thirty years ago. I'm not sure if I'm still the same. I retook again and it was a different result which I don't remember or there was a high likelihood I laughed a bit at myself because it was the polar opposite and it had no bearing on the person I am. I think when you get older you learn to blend into different situations and bend(not break). I've found different situations call for different levels of thinking versus feeling, judging versus perceiving, intuition versus extraversion and so on. Human beings don't stay static as any type. Ideally we should be growing and evolving and becoming more and more adaptable as we grow older and wiser.

                        My advice is to try not to adhere or think too deeply about your specific type with this test as you may be inhibiting yourself from evolving and growing in different ways. Come together and learn with each other.
                        I completely agree. I don’t think anyone is one absolute type for the rest of their lives or even for a shorter time in their lives. We all evolve into different types based on our experiences and learning. I think I’m becoming more and more like an INFJ than INFP as I learn to have more of a voice and stand up fo myself. I don’t rely on the types to explain everything, I just use them to help gain some (hypothetical) insight into people and scenarios. But that’s a good reminder- to not let the types define us too much and prevent personal growth. Thank you for that important point!

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          I wonder how many men should leave a marriage because their wife's libido doesn't match?

                          This is your fault op for not putting a stop to his selfish love making from the beginning. You've trained him for five long years now to be who he is in bed.

                          If you leave him because of this then don't make the same mistake with the next guy. Passion dwindles in long term relationships and what you were satisfied with during lust and new relationship energy periods of your union won't cut it anymore when a more calm/mature love settles in.

                          I suggest you stop masturbating the same way you always have and train yourself to come a different way... The toy, if it vibrates you're going to make it even harder to get off without using it.

                          He's likely masturbating more now because you've turned love making into a stressful chore where he no longer enjoys it either.

                          You two would do well to see a sex therapist so that you are helped to regain your emotional connection and to learn how to give one another passionate orgasms. Just because he's ejaculating during sex it doesn't mean he's enjoying it as much as he could be if you two were happy while being wrapped up in one another.
                          "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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                          • #14
                            He may have other reasons regarding why he's not interested at the moment: work-related stress, needing to be up early the next morning, maybe he didn't eat well, or has a poor diet or other habits. He must have given you reasons of his own for not feeling in the mood. Your emotional state or ability to perceive in emotions can also be very draining to a logic-based type personality. You may be expressing yourself quite well but have you ever felt like you were the only one expressing yourself or able to find your voice? His non-verbal cues may be his language to you. If he's logic or action-based, he may be showing his intimacy towards you in other ways. I have a feeling he's mentally drained from your emotions and perceptions. Sometimes it's kinder to stop insisting for change and be still, allow the other person to breathe. That's also a sign of maturity. If you can't do that and it hurts you too much or your issues run deeper and longer than you realized, it may be time to reconsider whether this is the right man for you.

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                            • #15
                              Originally posted by rabbithabit View Post
                              i find it difficult to imagine that any guy would want to masturbate alone with his hand as opposed to you masturbating him with your mouth. my guys love to masturbate in my mouth saying more enjoyable and cleaner as I always swallow then clean them well. something is definitely mentally askew with your husband. he needs to see his doctor for help.
                              Well, I suppose porn shoots are different then actual, long term, committed unions.
                              "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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