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  • I have an ugly chest

    Hi,
    so my problem is that I feel super insecure about my chest and its really hard for me to get naked in front of a guy. I had a surgery on my chest 3 years ago and you can still see all the scars (and they will always be there) and furthermore, I do have a rather big cup and after the surgery I feel like they lost their volume and that the skin stretched a lot. I was once sexually abused and the men cut my chest with knives so I decided to have a surgery to make them look a little bit more normal. It was a good decision though, compared to my chest after the abuse. It looked horrible and always reminded me of what happened. So I do feel ok with the decision to do the surgery. But it had these other consequences instead..

    Anyway, I feel so ashamed for my chest that I hardly dare to get naked in front of a guy. I know guys want confident women and thats what Im trying to be but in my head im very insecure. Every time I have a new boyfriend and I want to get intimate with him, its such a super huge step for me to show myself... many people call me a beautiful girl, but whenever I undress Im scared that he will be disappointed and will not like me anymore. So my question is (especially for guys!): how important are beautiful boobs for you? If you liked a girl so much and you think that she is the one for you, would you change your mind if she had ugly boobs?

    In general I know how stupid this is to make everything up on one thing. And no, I also wouldnt like the guy anymore if he would be bothered by my chest so much that he would leave me. I know how stupid and superficial this is. I really dont know why this is still in my head and this fear is still there. But it effects me so much that I do not live my sexual life like I would like to.

    Mentally Im totally fine and Id say I recovered very well from what happened 10 years ago. I like sex, I can trust people, no self hate or anything. Just this bad feeling about this bodypart.

    Any advice?
    (sorry for my english!)

  • #2
    I don't see why your partner wouldn't love you exactly the way you are. Are you talking about casual dating or casual sex? Are the scars from the surgery deep? When was the surgery? You can talk about it or discuss ways to lighten dark scars with your doctor.

    You did mention you're fine mentally so why is it still bothering you? I'd imagine you may still be deeply traumatized by your abusive experience and learning to accept that there is likely no way to completely erase that it happened. Have you tried going for counselling to overcome this?

    In my experience men don't care about how exactly you look. It's how you carry yourself and what you think of yourself that matters. And the ones who dwell so much on a handful of scars are not worth it.
    Last edited by Rose Mosse; March 4th, 2018, 10:50 AM.

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    • #3
      Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post
      I don't see why your partner wouldn't love you exactly the way you are. Are you talking about casual dating or casual sex? Are the scars from the surgery deep? When was the surgery? You can talk about it or discuss ways to lighten dark scars with your doctor.

      You did mention you're fine mentally so why is it still bothering you? I'd imagine you may still be deeply traumatized by your abusive experience and learning to accept that there is likely no way to completely erase that it happened. Have you tried going for counselling to overcome this?

      In my experience men don't care about how exactly you look. It's how you carry yourself and what you think of yourself that matters. And the ones who dwell so much on a handful of scars are not worth it.
      thanks for your reply.

      the surgery was 3 years ago and my scars are actually white and not dark. i dont know how deep they are but its at the spot where the skin was conjoined. at least the same spot on each breast.

      im not really a girl that takes someone home just like that. it has always been guys that i dated and that i intended to have a relationship with. i really want to be beautiful in their eyes.

      after that abuse i did everything that police recommend me. i saw doctors and a psychologist and i had to go through some tough years with depression but i really would call myself cured from this. yes i know there will always be memories etc but compared to 10 years ago, i totally changed and im super happy that i made it. so i really think i overcame the worst.

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      • #4
        That's good to hear. I'm sorry that you had to go through something so horrible. Have you talked with your doctor about the white scars? Has he or she said anything about them lightening or fading over time? I have scars too and they have faded/blended in considerably over time but it takes years. I have a second degree burn on my hand that took half a year to heal! I don't doubt that will be with me awhile.

        There's a lot more to fall in love with than just your breasts. Someone who loves you will appreciate your entire life story and everything that comes with that and cherish you even more for being here today.

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        • #5
          Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post
          That's good to hear. I'm sorry that you had to go through something so horrible. Have you talked with your doctor about the white scars? Has he or she said anything about them lightening or fading over time? I have scars too and they have faded/blended in considerably over time but it takes years. I have a second degree burn on my hand that took half a year to heal! I don't doubt that will be with me awhile.

          There's a lot more to fall in love with than just your breasts. Someone who loves you will appreciate your entire life story and everything that comes with that and cherish you even more for being here today.
          After the surgery I had 2 appointements to check if it was healing ok. At this time everything looked normal and he said its how it should be. I remember him say that the scars will be seen a little bit but he thought that it would not be too visible because i have a very bright skin colour. I did not talk to him anymore since that. And I know that scar removals are so expensive... Maybe it will get more insivisble with the years... but what bothers me too is the volume and that they got flat. I dont know if thats because of the surgery but maybe also my age or both. But it makes me really sad.

          And I decided not to tell every boyfriend what happened. The reason for that is that my ex knew about the real story and when I thought he cheated on me (which he later admitted!) he said things like 'you just think negative because of your abuse and you can not imagine me be a good person because of your abusive experience!". He accused me be a jealous girlfriend without any reason and put it on my bad experiences! I think that sucked so bad and thats why I would not tell everyone about that story. You can easily put the blame for everything on someone elses mind problems...

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          • #6
            If a guy can get you naked, I don't think he's going care too much about a few faded scars. Work on making this a mind over matter thing and teach yourself to relax through your insecurities about it. Meditation and visualization may help if you are open minded enough to let it.

            Adding: I think you should watch the movie "Shirley Valentine" There's a line it it where she says "OMG you're kissing my stretch marks" The guy didn't give a fiddlers eff about them.

            Last edited by phasesofthemoon; March 4th, 2018, 02:14 PM.
            "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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            • #7
              i doubt any woman would be turned off by chest scars and many would like because macho imagination about you. i date a boy with scars on stomach and leg from afghanistan war and i enjoy him very much naked.

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              • #8
                Originally posted by NinjaBlueEyes View Post

                After the surgery I had 2 appointements to check if it was healing ok. At this time everything looked normal and he said its how it should be. I remember him say that the scars will be seen a little bit but he thought that it would not be too visible because i have a very bright skin colour. I did not talk to him anymore since that. And I know that scar removals are so expensive... Maybe it will get more insivisble with the years... but what bothers me too is the volume and that they got flat. I dont know if thats because of the surgery but maybe also my age or both. But it makes me really sad.

                And I decided not to tell every boyfriend what happened. The reason for that is that my ex knew about the real story and when I thought he cheated on me (which he later admitted!) he said things like 'you just think negative because of your abuse and you can not imagine me be a good person because of your abusive experience!". He accused me be a jealous girlfriend without any reason and put it on my bad experiences! I think that sucked so bad and thats why I would not tell everyone about that story. You can easily put the blame for everything on someone elses mind problems...
                Your ex is a manipulative jerk. Don't worry too much about the past and I agree with you: you don't have to tell everyone about all the details. If you find yourself one day in a wonderful, fulfilling, long term committed relationship and you're comfortable letting that one person into your life, I really doubt that such a story would scare him off. I think people who don't know you may victimize you or feel sorry for you and that's worse/more annoying. If I were you I'd focus on quality company (friends and boyfriends) and be grateful for your arms, legs, mobility and general health. It sounds like what happened could have been serious enough to be life or death or you may have needed an organ transplant or be in a worse state the rest of your life. There's a lot to be thankful for. You seem like a very level headed, conservative(erring on the side of caution) person when it comes to people in general. I'm sure you don't have any problems meeting and getting to know good people.

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