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Feelings of being pressured

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  • Feelings of being pressured

    I've been with my partner (same sex couple) for two and a half years, engaged for about one of those years. From the start we have had mismatched libidos (him a rolling boil, me a slow simmer), and since we don't live together and only see each other on weekends we frequently don't match up our moods. For a while now we've had an open relationship, which seems to work. He gets what he needs, and I get what I do.

    But throughout the relationship there have been times I've felt pressured. First it was to stop using protection before I felt comfortable. Then bickering about him being in the mood and me not started to boil over. He acts petulant if I don't give in. He will try to use guilt. Sometimes he just won't stop until I physically push him off me (then the anger begins). He keeps pressuring me for things I've told him I don't want - nothing wild or perverted. For example, sex first thing in the morning (I want a cup of coffee, not an orgasm!). Or he'll watch me shower even though makes me uncomfortable (when I ask for privacy, he does leave).

    I'm not prude by any stretch of the imagination and have definitely had my share of sexual conquest, but I'm a quality over quantity person. He's the opposite. And when I'm in the mood, the sex is good. Buy you can't force it.

    For two summers now, comments have been made during the planning stages that I'd "better do what you need to to get in the mood that week." Vacation is four months away and I already feel trapped. Even if I am "in the mood" that week, my anxiety over the thinly veiled ultimatum has me so full of anxiety I'm not sure I even want to go.

    Is there any way to handle a situation where I feel fairly consistently pressured into intimacy?
    Last edited by Aristotelis; March 1st, 2018, 09:27 AM. Reason: .

  • #2
    The situation you've discribed sounds aweful! I don't know how you put up with it.
    Honestly, I can't imagine anything worse than feeling like I "owe" my SO sex whenever he wants it, however he wants it. Sex is about sharing a moment of intimacy between 2 people who love and care for each other. That's not what you're having. You might as well be a sextoy he can use and toss away when he's done.
    Is the sex the only topic where he's so incredibly dominant and demanding?

    I'd seriously reconsider marrying this person.
    You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf

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    • #3
      He is definitely used to getting his way, that's about all I can say on that.

      There are other points of friction. Six months into the relationship (after one break up and make up) I bought a house in the country. Four bedrooms on four wooded acres. He describes coming out there as "a living hell" (he's a city boy). The issues here run deeper than sex.

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      • #4
        Originally posted by Aristotelis View Post
        He is definitely used to getting his way, that's about all I can say on that.

        There are other points of friction. Six months into the relationship (after one break up and make up) I bought a house in the country. Four bedrooms on four wooded acres. He describes coming out there as "a living hell" (he's a city boy). The issues here run deeper than sex.
        I think deep down you already know this relationship is doomed. Otherwise you wouldn't have gone and bought a house on your own, in a place where he can't see himself living.
        Follow you gut feeling here. You know he's not the right guy for you. So stop waisting time on him
        You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf

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        • #5
          You're both becoming very unattractive to each other. I'd stop the charade sooner rather than later and call a spade a spade.

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          • #6
            Is your boyfriend's name Harvey Weinstein?

            What is the point of even being with this person when your relationship is open and he's supplementing you with randoms who he's probably lying to about being single? Are you afraid to give up the sex he provides when you ARE in the mood or something?
            What a fucking farce regardless why you stay with him.
            For a while now we've had an open relationship
            First it was to stop using protection before I felt comfortable.
            He's supplementing you and you're not making him wear a rubber? WTF
            Last edited by phasesofthemoon; March 2nd, 2018, 03:55 PM.
            "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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            • #7
              I'm bumping this because I really want to know why you would put your sexual health in jeopardy for a HarveyWeinstein-esk controlling and emotionally abusive ass-wipe???????

              Why are you allowing this for yourself?
              "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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              • #8
                We have so many incompatibilities. Differences in money attitudes, he hates living in the country (I bought the house when we were only dating, before he proposed), sexual mismatches, differences in temperament (he is Type-A and I'm the laid back type), the list goes on and on. I have no idea what I'm doing anymore. Now he's pressuring me to make a decision on vacation after I had to hold his hand through another one of his crying jags over the thought of moving in with me (real tears this time, sometimes he fake cries).

                I'm telling him we need to have a big boy talk about why we are bothering with this on either side if he's this miserable. I'll keep you posted.

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                • #9
                  Get him the hell out of your life. Once you've done that get yourself into therapy because anyone who didn't need professional help wouldn't be sticking around for what you do.
                  "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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                  • #10
                    I figured I'd give you guys a final update on this situation. About a week ago, last Thursday we were text messaging and he Dropped a Bomb on Me. He told me he's not happy and hasn't been for a while. I told him I kind of had a feeling but I wanted him to tell me what was wrong so that we could try to work on it and find a resolution. He responded very bluntly by saying he didn't think it could be fixed.

                    Of course I was shocked that after a year-and-a-half engagement I would be told via text message it's over, so I got on the phone with him and tore him a new ass hole. We talked for a little while and agreed to meet on Wednesday. After I hung up the phone, I went out and bought new locks, changed all the locks on the house, and boxed up his things and put them in the trunk of the car. I fully intended this meeting to discuss the situation was going to be the end game. Even beyond the recent issues that we've had and the immediate need to discuss a text message break up and make up situation, this is been a rocky road from day one. We've already broken up and gotten together again twice.

                    When we got together and started talking, I laid out for him exactly how I felt over the last several months. The fact that giving him an open relationship to keep him satisfied made me feel empty. The fact that I'm tired of him complaining about the distance between us when he was the one that proposed to me, and tired of only seeing him on the weekends when it's convenient. The fact that for years I felt like he didn't want to build a life with me, he only wanted to fit me into the life he's built for himself. He acknowledged the issues we've had and actually made of apologies for it and suggested we go to counseling, which I took to mean he was actually in the mood to fix these problems finally. Then he launched into what his needs were for the upcoming vacation yet again and I realized this is just not ever going to change.

                    It's now a few days later on a Saturday afternoon and he's at work. I'm actually sitting in the car right now in front of his house with his boxes of stuff with a note reiterating the fact that I'm convinced he does not want this life I'm trying to build for us and that he has left me feeling more lonely in the last several months of our engagement then I would have been single. I'm about to put his things on the front porch and move on with my life. Thank you everyone for all your help.

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                    • #11
                      Check back in when you've actually severed and not just being dramatic. (not said with malice).
                      "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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