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Husband used prostitues

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  • Husband used prostitues

    After 7 years of marriage I have recently found out my husband has visited prostitutes in the past. It was all in a year following the break up of his first marriage. I understand this is the past and he didnít even know me then but itís making me ill that he could even do that! Please help

  • #2
    You say you 'found out.' What does that mean? Did he tell this to you?
    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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    • #3
      Originally posted by Kes99 View Post
      I understand this is the past and he didn't even know me then
      I suggest you keep repeating this to yourself over and over.
      Just because someone's by your side, it doesn't mean they're on your side.

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      • #4
        Iíve always had a bit of thinking about his past and the amount of women he has been with and I think it is an issue I have. We discussed it the other day after me constantly going on and he just came out with it and told me how many women heís been with and that heís been to a prostitute 4 times. Itís just not the man I know. He has given me no reason to doubt him in the time weíve been together but I just canít get this out of my head. Feel like itíll never go away

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        • #5
          In addition to repeating what reg said above, keep repeating this:

          He has given me no reason to doubt him in the time weíve been together

          I understand those movie clips that keep playing in your head. They are sickening and attack your self image in a way like nothing else. But if you love him and want to make your marriage harmonious, you need to work diligently on not focusing on those images. Men are different from women, no matter what anyone tells you. They have certain needs. He wasn't in love with those prostitutes. He was simply fulfilling a biological need at the time. You can make your marriage happy or discordant. Choose not to dwell on the negative.
          "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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          • #6
            Thank you, what u say makes so much sense. I just cannot get past the idea that he found these women attractive and I feel he lowered himself. We have such a great sex life and I just feel itís tarnished now

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            • #7
              Holding on to something he did before he even met you, is going to cause serious damage to your relationship in the long run, so I suggest you do whatever you can do let this go.

              Look at it this way. For the past 7 years, you've loved, respected and cared for him. He has been the same person this whole time. The only factor that's different between now and then, is the fact that you know something you previously didn't know.
              He hasn't changed from telling you this. The fact that he went to a prostitute obviously doesn't make him a bad person, otherwise you never would have fallen for him 7 years ago. You sex life has been great this whole time. The fact that he went to a prostitute doesn't change that, otherwise it would have been bad this whole time.

              The only difference right now is in your head, in your state of mind. Put it to rest.
              You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf

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              • #8
                U guys all make so much sense, I just canít see how I can change my thoughts! Even if it was just once he went, but it was 4 times and it was a place where we go often for nights away etc. I feel truly devastated.

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                • #9
                  Originally posted by Kes99 View Post
                  Thank you, what u say makes so much sense. I just cannot get past the idea that he found these women attractive and I feel he lowered himself. We have such a great sex life and I just feel itís tarnished now
                  Again, you're coming at it from a woman's perspective. Men are aroused by the visual...it's built into their dna. The sex he had with the prostitutes was meaningless, other than for scratching an itch.
                  "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Kes99 View Post
                    Iíve always had a bit of thinking about his past and the amount of women he has been with and I think it is an issue I have. We discussed it the other day after me constantly going on and he just came out with it and told me how many women heís been with and that heís been to a prostitute 4 times. Itís just not the man I know. He has given me no reason to doubt him in the time weíve been together but I just canít get this out of my head. Feel like itíll never go away
                    After you "constantly going on"????
                    Why after 7 years of marriage are you discussing past sexual partners???
                    And what makes you believe he found these prostitures attractive???
                    They likely weren't unattractive, but why do you care? He didn't marry them?

                    Why is your self esteem so low at the moment?

                    And why do you look so down on prostitutes? You know that many go on to have great careers and used it to fund their studies etc?
                    He didn't lower himself. He simply used a service available when he was not in the frame of mind to engage in a relationship.
                    Your perspective differs from his and mine and I'm female.

                    Stop assumimg and overthinking.

                    How was your marriage before his revelation?

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                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Kes99 View Post
                      U guys all make so much sense, I just canít see how I can change my thoughts! Even if it was just once he went, but it was 4 times and it was a place where we go often for nights away etc. I feel truly devastated.
                      You can't stop those images. But what you CAN do is work on not giving them significance. It takes lots of practice. Replace every negative thought with some loving kindness you have known with him.
                      "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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                      • #12
                        The issue is with me. I think I suffer from retroactive jealousy anyway. Itís making me ill and so wish I didnít have this thought patterns

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                        • #13
                          I have suffered from it as well. It's a demon that's hard to lose. It gets better with time, though.
                          "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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                          • #14
                            How did u get help? I feel so helpless, I love him more than anyone Iíve been with before and I know he feels the same. Iím in tears writing this, itís hell. I started seeing a counsellor yesterday x

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                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Kes99 View Post
                              The issue is with me. I think I suffer from retroactive jealousy anyway. Itís making me ill and so wish I didnít have this thought patterns
                              Good! I'm glad you've come to realise that it's not your husbands fault that you're feeling like this. Do not at any point in time think it's okay to resent him for this.

                              What can you do to stop feeling jealous? Well, he chose you, didn't he? What's there to be jealous of? He could have kept going to these prostitutes, if that made him happy. If they could have offered him something, anything, that you couldn't offer him, he would have kept seeing them and never married you (or even worse, he could have married you and kept going to the prostitutes at the same time).
                              He had a purely physical need back then. A lot of men experience it that way. If you're hungry, you eat. If you're thirsty, you drink. If you're tired, you sleep. If you're horny, you have sex (with whoever is available at that time).
                              But he met you, and you fulfilled a much more important need in his life, the one for intimacy, love, affection, finding a partner to spend the rest of his life with. And on top of that, you say your sex life was great, meaning you fulfilled his physical needs just as well. Probably even more, because sex is always a lot better with someone you love.

                              He had a choice. He could have kept going to them, or he could have dedicated his life to you, married you and started a life with you. We all know what he chose. So what's there to be jealous of?
                              You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf

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