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Sex and the Divorced Dad: A concern and a question (or two)....

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  • Sex and the Divorced Dad: A concern and a question (or two)....

    Hopefully this post is in the right spot and if not - I apologize. Iíve got a couple of qustions/issues - well, really one issue that has led to several questions. I am a 41 year old divorced dad who has recently started dating a very awesome 43 year old girl. We connect across every level - including the bedroom.

    Iíve been divorced for 3 years. My ex-wife started dating her now fiancť within 6 months and sheís now pregnant and due in about 6 weeks. That has been really rough on my kids for many reasons and I am scared to death of the same happening to me. They have not met the new girlfriend, by the way.

    She and I have been very mindful of this (being careful as to avoid accidents) and have been able to talk about it openly. She understands my concerns - and she feels them, too.

    This brings us to Saturday night. We were going at it and at some point the condom slipped off. I donít know exactly when, but there was a period of unprotected sex. Luckily, I did eventually notice and was able to put a new one on before we finished - but Iím a little worried. I know the odds of anything happening are slim-to-none and that we have our age working for us - and as I previously mentioned - we caught it and I put a new one on.

    First of all - anyone have this happen before? I remember something similar from when I was younger - but in that case it slipped off after I had finished. In that case - nothing happened.

    Secondly, it has made me kind of paranoid. I want to be intimate with her, but I would be devastated if I allowed myself to do that to the kids. She and I have talked about it and we realize there are plenty of ways to be intimate while being careful, but right now - and Iím guessing the feeling will pass - Iím a little freaked out to do much of anything.

  • #2
    Why doesn't this 43 year old 'girl' get on some birth control pills? You're right about the chances being slim at her age, but it's still remotely possible.
    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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    • #3
      Sheís said she doesnít want to go on birth control and I havenít pushed her on it, yet. I just donít want to get to the point where this becomes an issue - and sheís been cool about my concerns and I feel like weíre on the same page in that regard - but I donít know if I can handle it - worrying that every time we have sex that something is going to happen. Iím already an anxious person.

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      • #4
        I don't see how any rational woman would choose not to go on birth control. Why would she want to risk pregnancy? It's widely known that condoms are not 100% reliable, even when they are used properly.
        I get your point of view completely. How can you enoy sex if you constantly have to worry about getting her pregnant?

        Honestly, it would be a dealbreaker for me if my partner would be hesitant to use birth control.
        I guess if you don't want to make it into a big point of argument between you, you could consider getting a vasectomy lol
        You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf

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        • #5
          I think it is definitely something we need to talk about further (and soon). I think weíre on the same page. She understands my concerns/anxiety and I know she wouldnít want to put the kids in a bad spot. We have talked about - and weíre both okay with being careful and exploring other ways to be intimate - but itís going to be hard. Iím never going to not worry - I just know how I think.

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          • #6
            Originally posted by Surfer Joe View Post
            Sheís said she doesnít want to go on birth control and I havenít pushed her on it, yet. I just donít want to get to the point where this becomes an issue - and sheís been cool about my concerns and I feel like weíre on the same page in that regard - but I donít know if I can handle it - worrying that every time we have sex that something is going to happen. Iím already an anxious person.
            Agree with Ayla.
            If you don't want anymore children then why don't you get a vasectomy?
            Also there is a thing called The Morning After pill for such incidences as this. If she doesn't want to go on BC pills or a non hormonal IUD then you should be worried.

            P.S. The morn. after pill or (plan b) is only good for up to 72 hours after the 'accident.'
            Last edited by phasesofthemoon; February 26th, 2018, 03:24 PM.
            "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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            • #7
              I agree with all my ladies here.

              Surfer Joe, if you are as decided as you sound, about not wanting any more children (with this woman or any other) why have you not, at the age of 41, had a vasectomy ?
              Have you even considered this ?

              I'm certainly not implying that you (or the man in general) should be entirely responsible for the birth control measures. In fact, even if you WERE snipped (sorry) condoms are a must in a new relationship anyway, for fear of contracting and STD or STI. However, it seems a little silly to me that at your age, due to an 'oops', you're filled with anxiety for fear of an unwanted pregnancy, when if you had taken safer precautions than the good ole condom, you wouldn't be worrying unnecessarily.
              The definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result.

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              • #8
                The vasectomy may be a good long term solution but you mentioned that you only recently started dating this person. Before you go about removing or modifying your body parts, I think you should sincerely evaluate whether this woman is a good fit for you. Your initial reactions to having a child with her don't seem normal to me, despite your age. I think you're carrying an unusual amount of weight due to your divorce and creating more problems when there shouldn't be regarding your ex-wife. It's her business what she wishes to do with the rest of her life. Instead of being paralyzed in fear and succumbing to your children's feelings of fear or resentment which may no doubt be contagious, you should be setting a healthy and positive example to them and everyone else around you including this new girlfriend. You all need to pick up, move on and grow stronger as a family and be more loving. Embrace the new. I don't feel that it's your responsibility to get snipped when she won't even ingest hormone pills. She's got one foot out the door anyway at that age. Her eggs aren't exactly farm fresh.

                Continue with condoms and practice your safe sex. If this relationship deepens and grows over time (emphasis on time, a good amount of time), you may revisit alternative options. At this time don't let your paranoia and fear get the best of you and don't take on the weight of the world on your shoulders or allow your children's emotions to influence yours.

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                • #9
                  I might also add that you might want to try a different brand of condom, check the size if the brand comes in sizes or look into different positions. Some positions more than others can cause the condom to come off. She might also be dry and it's causing unnecessary friction which you both are not noticing. Experiment with a water-based lube that's hypoallergenic.

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