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  • Poor sexual chemistry

    Hi everyone! I'm new here - brought by some internal conflict which is eating me alive. I've been with my girl for 5 years and I'm thinking about proposing. She's a lovely girl and it feels quite special. The trouble is I've never felt intense attraction. I've always found her cute and her body drives me crazy but I've never had butterflies for example. The attraction has never wowed me.

    sex has always been pretty good sometimes amazing. We're both adventurous and open about things. She tells me what she likes etc. The problem is we on average for the entire 5 years have sex 2-3 times a month on average. Sometimes once. We have talked about it and she doesn't see it as a problem, whereas I do. She gets a little upset when she asks if I've masturbated. Which I do a couple of times a week. I've mostly cut out porn and even masturbate to pics of her. She says she isn't horny but would get in the mood if I was more forceful and pursued for sex more. That's where the lack of sexual chemistry comes in. Because I'm not intensely attracted to her I feel uncomfortable seducing her intensely. Once we're both aroused it's great but we don't get to that point much other than when her hormones are urging her to have sex. Usually around the same time each month.

    I'm seriously considering ending this relationship on some days when I'm sexually frustrated. Then other days I feel strong emotions and want to marry her.

    It's on my mind a lot and affects my mood around her. I resent her for not initiating intimacy. I work very hard to be in shape and I'm pretty sure she has attraction towards me.

    like I say I do bring it up - she just says to not overthink it because that'll make things worse. "Not like we never have sex" kinda thing. She'd marry me tomorrow I know for sure. There's a lot of good things about our relationship. But sex is important to me..I love feeling a deep connection and passion with someone I care about.

    she's not the healthiest person despite having a naturally great body. I wonder whether her libido is actually low due to physical reasons. She doesn't make much effort to eat well even with my encouragement. Which further decreases my attraction for her as health is really a passion of mine.

    wrote this on my phone so apologies for any errors or poor grammar. Hope someone can give me insight into their experiences.

    thanks so much

  • #2
    I'm 30 she's 26 I should note. When I read on the internet girls in their 20s being unhappy because they are only getting sex 3 times a week instead of every day. I die a little inside

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    • #3
      Sexual incompatibility at your age is a serious stumbling block. Have you considered couples counseling?
      "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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      • #4
        It's popped in my head a few tines yes. Yeah I agree it used to be because we lived apart. But now we're living together it feels significantly worse. Probably because we can't blame logistics anymore so my ego is taking a hit as well as my balls

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        • #5
          I've been where you are.
          The best advice I can give you is to think long and hard about how much this sexual frustration is going to weigh down on you down the line.

          Compare it to having a tooth ache. If you get an ache for a couple of days, it's easy to handle. 10 years down the line if that same tooth still hurts, you'll be about ready to break your own jaw to make it stop.
          If the chemistry never happens, can you live with that? Can you let go of the sexual desires you have? Is the relationship you have with her worth missing out on all the things you wish you'd have?

          It's all about making a firm decision and sticking by it. If you choose to stay with her, you know what you're choosing. You know who she is. You know what to expect from your sexlife down the line. So don't choose something and then resent her for it afterwards. If you don't think you can do that, it's better to cut her loose and to find someone who's more sexually compatible with you.
          You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf

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          • #6
            She says she isn't horny but would get in the mood if I was more forceful and pursued for sex more. That's where the lack of sexual chemistry comes in. Because I'm not intensely attracted to her I feel uncomfortable seducing her intensely.
            So you're the problem then. Don't ease your own conscious by turning this around on her. You've had good sex with a partner that you love and respect but you're thinking of leaving her because you don't have perpetual butterflies for her. Well newsflash, the new relationship energy will wear off in any relationship that lasts past the honeymoons stage so think hard before you give up a good woman who has candidly told you that you could have the passionate sex you want if you stepped up your game.
            "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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            • #7
              I think you'd benefit from foreplay and spending more time together. It's a bit ridiculous for her to slam you for masturbating every now and then though. If she's insecure about it she needs to address why. If I were you I'd refrain from complaints and mentioning masturbation just to make her irritated with you. If she asks next time and you know she's about to get annoyed, tell her how much you love and miss her but you understand she's busy or doesn't feel like it. Don't make a big deal out of it. Let her come to you.

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              • #8
                We talked last night after I brought it up in a pathetic offended passive aggressive way... women have much better relationship intelligence that's for sure.

                thanks potm - that makes perfect sense. Basically the outcome of our conversation last night. She feels I haven't even tried to seduce her over the past 2.5 weeks we haven't had sex. I fear being rejected and when she doesn't give me a little bit of a cone on I won't try to seduce her cold.

                I'm going to completely stop masturbating. I think if I can build up the urges I will be better at passionately seducing her. We're romantic and I will gently be suggestive. Like cuddling her from behind and kissing her neck. But when she doesn't respond I give up.

                I know she likes to be dominated so I need to up my game. And not be afraid of rejection. It's just difficult when she doesn't initiate and we have sex so rarely. Delicate male ego here.

                if I start strongly initiating and she repeatedly rejects me over the long term then we shall reassess and we can see where we stand a bit more clearly . whether it's a libido/ hormonal thing. Or if she's lost sexual interest in me but is content in a configurable comfortable affectionate sexless relationship (deal breaker) or whether we're just sexually incompatible (deal breaker).
                Last edited by Mr bean; February 22nd, 2018, 01:37 AM.

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                • #9
                  Someone who has told you that they would be more responsive to your seduction if you were more forceful does not want this:
                  We're romantic and I will gently be suggestive. Like cuddling her from behind and kissing her neck. But when she doesn't respond I give up.
                  Cuddling her from behind and kissing her neck is a before you go to sleep ritual for her more likely then not.

                  You're open to change, which is good, now you just have to get a bit 50 Shades of Grey on her. See how that pans out. If she still rejects you then that would be a perfect time to discuss without whining how her reaction has made you feel and asking her for a suggestion in how to remedy.
                  "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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                  • #10
                    I know she likes to be dominated so I need to up my game. And not be afraid of rejection. It's just difficult when she doesn't initiate and we have sex so rarely. Delicate male ego here.
                    She wants an ALPHA male. This statement tells me everything I need to know. She wants a MAN who's going to be a little more dominant and that would be troublesome for a delicate male ego. Perhaps it may benefit you to look into some DOM/sub sexual dynamics because that's exactly what she's telling you. And you may be a little beta for that.
                    There is overwhelming evidence that the higher the level of self-esteem, the more likely one will treat others with respect, kindness, and generosity. People who do not experience self-love have little or no capacity to love others.

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                    • #11
                      I have in the past been much more dominant, but it comes back to the other half of my story which is the lack of sexual chemistry I feel. I don't feel the urge to ravage her cause I'm just not physically attracted to her. I can appreciate her sexiness and once we're going she turns me on. But I don't get strong urges to have her.

                      she can probably sense this and I fear it's this lack of sexual chemistry which will continue to wear us down. She's a great partner and I'm far from repulsed but it's never had that spark which really gets me going just from seeing her. Kisses have generally fell flat too.

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                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Mr bean View Post
                        I have in the past been much more dominant, but it comes back to the other half of my story which is the lack of sexual chemistry I feel. I don't feel the urge to ravage her cause I'm just not physically attracted to her. I can appreciate her sexiness and once we're going she turns me on. But I don't get strong urges to have her.

                        she can probably sense this and I fear it's this lack of sexual chemistry which will continue to wear us down. She's a great partner and I'm far from repulsed but it's never had that spark which really gets me going just from seeing her. Kisses have generally fell flat too.
                        Well then that makes it pretty apparent you have no burning desire for her. If it's not medical and you feel no spark what does that tell you?

                        What would you tell your brother if he told you this story?
                        There is overwhelming evidence that the higher the level of self-esteem, the more likely one will treat others with respect, kindness, and generosity. People who do not experience self-love have little or no capacity to love others.

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                        • #13
                          So we had sex.. she got horny and today I feel on top of the world and feel great about us haha. We definitely get hot for each other when the juices are flowing. In some ways infrequent sex has it's pluses!

                          I don't feel an intense desire for her but there's enough sexual attraction especially for 5 years and there's lots of ways we match superbly.

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