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Is flirting cheating when youíre in a relationship?

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  • Is flirting cheating when youíre in a relationship?

    I personally think that this is a great question because some people are just naturally flirty, but would like to hear other perspectives. For some, it gives a boost in their confidence or it makes them feel appreciated. What do you think?

  • #2
    I think it is. If you're confident because you're appreciated and loved in your relationship or marriage, it isn't necessary to flirt because you are secure.

    Then there is my sister who's flirty but married and she wears provocative clothing to attract men. Keep in mind though, she has always been this way while she was single and it doesn't help that she's not married to a wonderful guy. In fact, he's an obnoxious jerk, says all the inappropriate comments to her, their children AND socially for all to hear. Narcissism runs big with her and her husband so there's obvious insecurity there. It's actually sad, pitiful and pathetic.

    I've noticed secure people don't need to flirt because they're comfortable with their lot in life.
    "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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    • #3
      and I've noticed that the more secure the relationship is, the less care the couple put in the other doing some innocent flirting made without intent.
      "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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      • #4
        I see more as personality types. If that behaviour makes you uncomfortable obviously don't hang around those kinds of people and certainly don't date one. They're probably not going to like you either because you're too this or that for them. It goes both ways.

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        • #5
          Well thereís of course a reason why I asked this question. My wife thinks flirting is a form of cheating, however she subconsciously flirts herself. Iíve witnessed it myself and sheís usually laughing when it isnít clearly funny to anybody. Iím not as jealous of a person as her so it doesnít really bother me. Now if and when a woman flirts w/ me she goes on the offensive asking what were we talking about etc. I used to tell her things at work that seemed odd behav. from a woman and she automatically thinks they were flirting w/ me. I can say now at work that may be going on. Some of it might b subtle like a few of them calling me Christopher, which is my formal name. The other behaviors may b more direct. For example, some of them walk by me and always touch my arms, shoulders & back. It doesnít really bother me, but it does invade my personal space. I can give you other examples past and present but I think this should be enough to go by.

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          • #6
            Originally posted by phasesofthemoon View Post
            and I've noticed that the more secure the relationship is, the less care the couple put in the other doing some innocent flirting made without intent.
            It's not that "innocent" though. Classy people have a certain code of conduct. They act graciously whether at home, in public, socially and when no one is looking. Knowing your SO (significant other) behaves graciously always even when you're back is turned is called TRUST.
            "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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            • #7
              Originally posted by CD da man View Post
              Well thereís of course a reason why I asked this question. My wife thinks flirting is a form of cheating, however she subconsciously flirts herself. Iíve witnessed it myself and sheís usually laughing when it isnít clearly funny to anybody. Iím not as jealous of a person as her so it doesnít really bother me. Now if and when a woman flirts w/ me she goes on the offensive asking what were we talking about etc. I used to tell her things at work that seemed odd behav. from a woman and she automatically thinks they were flirting w/ me. I can say now at work that may be going on. Some of it might b subtle like a few of them calling me Christopher, which is my formal name. The other behaviors may b more direct. For example, some of them walk by me and always touch my arms, shoulders & back. It doesnít really bother me, but it does invade my personal space. I can give you other examples past and present but I think this should be enough to go by.
              I wouldn't call it "cheating." Not acting within classy boundaries whether towards a wife, husband, SO (significant other), etc. lacks graciousness. I guess I'm more old school in that if SO are loyal towards one another, our behavior when they're not looking should reflect as such. I mean if you and your wife are comfortable with whatever you do, I don't see a problem with it. However, for me, my husband and everyone I know in my midst (colleagues, social friends, etc.), we don't cross that line during interactions. The exception is my married sister and I think it's inappropriate IMHO. It's a form of narcissism which was there from long ago, unfortunately. I don't care what other people do. I'm fine with my husband, colleagues, etc.

              For example, I have a neighbor uphill from me and whenever I've walked my dog, he comes charging towards me, puts his hand on my shoulder and acts as if we're BFFs. At another time, he insisted upon my joining in on a conversation with another neighbor as a threesome. So weird. In the past, he would strike up a conversation and act like my pal. At first, I said "hello" a few times and after that, I've been ignoring him as I walk ACROSS the street with my dog. Outlandish behavior is alarming, starts to creep me out as it does for many.

              My comfort zone as with many in my life, prefer to have good manners and not take it too far.
              "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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              • #8
                Yeah so I guess to each their own so to speak. I also think there are different types of flirting like casual, touchy feely and talking sexual. Obviously making sexual inuendos crosses the line and is more seduction than it is flirting. I think we can all agree on that one.

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                • #9
                  Originally posted by CD da man View Post
                  Well thereís of course a reason why I asked this question. My wife thinks flirting is a form of cheating, however she subconsciously flirts herself. Iíve witnessed it myself and sheís usually laughing when it isnít clearly funny to anybody. Iím not as jealous of a person as her so it doesnít really bother me. Now if and when a woman flirts w/ me she goes on the offensive asking what were we talking about etc. I used to tell her things at work that seemed odd behav. from a woman and she automatically thinks they were flirting w/ me. I can say now at work that may be going on. Some of it might b subtle like a few of them calling me Christopher, which is my formal name. The other behaviors may b more direct. For example, some of them walk by me and always touch my arms, shoulders & back. It doesnít really bother me, but it does invade my personal space. I can give you other examples past and present but I think this should be enough to go by.
                  Why would you tell your wife about the behaviours of silly women at work especially if you're not supposed to be paying attention? You're just creating insecurities in your marriage. She may already be insecure because of your previous work relationship with another woman. I look a bit unusual because I am mixed ancestry and people often don't know what to make of me or where I am from. I also have an accent and speak three languages. I got a lot of curious looks and when I grew up, a lot of unwanted attention from the opposite sex. Don't make so much of it. People are just often being friendly and if it's wrong attention in the wrong places, don't encourage it. If other women continue to touch you at work however you say, you can mention what you did with your wife or what your wife thinks. Bring her up more often in the conversation. Maybe it doesn't appear on the surface that you even have a wife or are attached at all.
                  Last edited by Rose Mosse; February 17th, 2018, 10:46 AM.

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                  • #10
                    Originally posted by chanelle View Post

                    It's not that "innocent" though. Classy people have a certain code of conduct. They act graciously whether at home, in public, socially and when no one is looking. Knowing your SO (significant other) behaves graciously always even when you're back is turned is called TRUST.
                    It's subjective. What is "gracious" to you might be pompous and with-stick-up-ass-like to another. flirting or not flirting has nothing to do with TRUST as far as I can see. To each their own and what works as a couple for them mutually is what is important.
                    "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by phasesofthemoon View Post
                      It's subjective. What is "gracious" to you might be pompous and with-stick-up-ass-like to another. flirting or not flirting has nothing to do with TRUST as far as I can see. To each their own and what works as a couple for them mutually is what is important.
                      As mentioned previously, I said if a couple is fine with what they do, by all means, it is great. I'm referring to my husband and I and those whom I know in my midst. I trust my husband not to be flirtatious as he trusts me - - when no one is looking. We're not in a singles bar. We're married, very established and settled financially. We have codes of behavior and conduct and it's just the way we are even if it sounds corny, well, yes, it is corny but so what? WE LIKE IT. I appreciate his classy behavior. He trusts me to be the same when I'm around men. I prefer to be a lady just like my dear mother raised me and I like the fact that he's a gentleman. Yes, I believe it is behaving graciously where I come from. His father is the same way as his mother, same with my mother. It's how we were raised and nothing will ever change that. We're comfortable with our lives just the way it is. We have many nice friends who are similar and birds of a feather flock together.

                      I have a neighbor who resides about a dozen houses away from mine and he's flirtatious. At first, I was nice, said "hello" and then his flirting became a bit much with gesturing to touch my back, hand on my shoulder, his jokes were not even funny, he constantly requested that I join him in conversations with him and a neighbor and this was definitely not my comfort zone. I don't like anyone in my space. This happened every time I was out walking my dog. In the beginning I was nice as can be but he just couldn't take a hint that he was not my cup of tea. I don't like forward behavior because that type of behavior is too hyper and weird (creepy in some instances) for me. Now, I walk across the street with my dog, ignore him and proceed with my walk. Now, if he would've exercised at least some discretion, I would've been cordial but since he crossed boundaries with me, no can do.

                      I agree with you, to each his or her own and as long as it's important for a couple to mutually agree, then wonderful. If other couples do as they wish, more power to them. Be my guest. I don't care.

                      And, I will say this: After I had experienced being with the worst of the worst in my life, mainly a gaslighting sociopath, any flirtatious person is an angel compared to whom I've known in my past. At least they're not scheming, deceitful, plotting and manipulative. I've already met the devil himself and bring it on with the flirting any day which is nothing compared to the pure living HELL I've been already been dragged through. Thank God that person exited my life forever. I feel so relieved and grateful.
                      Last edited by chanelle; February 17th, 2018, 09:46 PM.
                      "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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                      • #12
                        rose, youíre absolutely right; sheís insecure about my past and assumes that flirting leads to cheating. Weíre working on that. I made the mistake of telling my wife yr ago that complimented me and would massage my neck and shoulders w/out my permission. Obviously thatís more harrassment, but I never made an issue of it.
                        @phases, flirting is subjective in the sense that itís not a yes or no whether itís acceptable bc there are parameters. If somebody compliments your wardrobe it can b misconstrued. They could b just being nice or flirty, but some people take it further.
                        chanelle, thatís kind of what I was saying about them getting in my personal space. One woman I used to work with would touch my thigh when talking to me at her cubicle. I know my wife wouldn't want to hear that. Lol

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                        • #13
                          Originally posted by CD da man View Post
                          rose, youíre absolutely right; sheís insecure about my past and assumes that flirting leads to cheating. Weíre working on that. I made the mistake of telling my wife yr ago that complimented me and would massage my neck and shoulders w/out my permission. Obviously thatís more harrassment, but I never made an issue of it.
                          @phases, flirting is subjective in the sense that itís not a yes or no whether itís acceptable bc there are parameters. If somebody compliments your wardrobe it can b misconstrued. They could b just being nice or flirty, but some people take it further.
                          chanelle, thatís kind of what I was saying about them getting in my personal space. One woman I used to work with would touch my thigh when talking to me at her cubicle. I know my wife wouldn't want to hear that. Lol
                          CD da man, we agree regarding people stepping into our space which is a no no. Thigh touching is bizarre not to mention out-of-whack. I'm sure your wife would have a royal conniption fit. Most spouses would!
                          "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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                          • #14
                            Flirting is not the same as being naturally flirtatious.

                            Flirting has intent. It's not necessarily an intent to cheat physically but there is something to be gained from it. It may stem from insecurity and feeling better about oneself when someone flirts back. It may be an enjoyment from making another feel desired. Or it could be intent to cheat.
                            As Phases said , if you are in a trusting relationship , it doesn't matter. Because in that scenario at least you know the intention is not to cheat.

                            I had an ex that was flirtatious but he never flirted with intent. In fact I would see his behaviour with a hospitality worker for example, if I was overly jealous I might have considered him flirting. However I noticed that he behaved the same whether the person was male or female.

                            CD, why are you telling your wife about things that don't matter? It sounds to me like you are the insecure one?
                            Think about it. When you are out socialising with your wife, she can see what's going on and realise that nothing is going on.
                            She can't see you at work. And let's face it you spend more time at work than with your wife. You are telling her that all these women are flirting with you. But even you don't know if they are.
                            What reaction do you expect from her?

                            Do you like that she is somewhat jealous?

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                            • #15
                              True, Iím insecure as well. I donít like getting jealous nor her, but some jealousy is warranted. For the record, I havenít told her about the recent flirtation at my workplace. Itís more or less irrelevant, but if she knew of it going on she wouldnít b okay with it. Not that it matters per se but I never initiate the Ďflirtingí if thatís what it is. My wife would interpret everything I said as flirting, which sheís uneasy about. I appreciate everybodyís perspective on this subject. Very helpful. Another question and this relates to the OP is checking out other women, in my case, a form of flirting? Iím not staring or leering, but sometimes the other woman catches me looking and usually looks back. I never stop and chat afterwards.

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