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During break gf slept with guy, now I can't get over it

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  • During break gf slept with guy, now I can't get over it


    I was in a relationship for almost ten years with a girl I met in 4th grade. After months of realizing that I was not treating her as well as I wanted (i.e. not spending as much time with her as I could, etc) I decided we needed a short break for me to figure my stuff out with the intention of getting back together in the very near future. During this break, I learned all about relationship theories, watched TED talks, etc. to become a better person for her. She slept with a guy from her work.

    She told me it was one time after everyone was drinking a lot. She said it was awkward and didn't mean anything and that she regrets it. However, prior to that I was the only person she had slept with and I really liked that about her. She was also the only person I'd slept with, and still is.

    I came to her wanting to get back together, but when she told me she slept with the guy I freaked out, got really depressed, drank a lot, etc. This has been going on for a few months, and I'm still pretty depressed. I've worked through a lot of things, but there is one thing that I still cant get over: the fact that if we get back together like I want to, that I'll never get over the fact that she slept with another person and I'll never have that experience. I've never slept with anyone else, only her, and since I love her I've never had awkward sex that doesn't mean anything. That makes it difficult for me to understand when she says it was awkward and meant nothing with that guy.

    Anyways, I don't think that I can get over this without sleeping with someone else first. But I need to hear the opinions of other people who have been through the same thing or have slept with multiple people. Is it really possible to have sex that doesn't mean anything? Can you really forget having sex with someone like I'm hoping she can? Will sleeping with some random girl who I don't know help me get over this, or will it not do anything?


  • #2
    Sleeping with some random girl for revenge will make you look pathetic and childish.

    You're the one who decided you need a short break for you to figure out your stuff. One doesn't announce a break because one wants to get back together after the break. One announces it because one doesn't know if he wants to get back together. Was she supposed to sit by her phone waiting for your decision? I admire her pluck in doing what she felt like doing and not pining over you.

    Yes, there is such a thing as sex that is meaningless. If your ego tells you that you can't get over it, I recommend you cut ties with her and move on. Only next time, when you announce that you need a break, be aware of the possible outcomes.
    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay


    • #3
      She should have never told you about it.
      "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!


      • #4
        I was aware of the possible outcomes, i just never thought she would do it. She told me she wouldnt do it even if she was single because she's not that kind of person, which is why I'm a little blindsided by it.

        Also, i spent 6 months talking with her about how i thought we needed a break and that the intention of the break was for me to improve myself and come back. So I did actually in fact suggest that we should take a break but also tell her that I was coming back after the break.

        This might be a weird question, but ive never had meaningless sex with anyone, and thus feel like it would really help if someone, for lack of a better term, "convinced" me or elaborated more that sex can be meaningless and that it's not as important as I think it is. Because my thoughts on sex are that you only do it with people you love, that it means something, etc. and I never felt like sleeping with anyone else before finding out. She's my second girlfriend (first actual girlfriend that wasn't just a dumb middle school relationship) so it's not like I've dated around and have a lot of experience in this department. I will willingly admit that, as well as that this is probably contributing to the way I'm feeling right now.


        • #5
          You've never heard of friends with benefits? Many many people have sex with people they don't love.
          "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay


          • #6
            It sounds to me as if you're just looking for approval from someone that it's okay for you to want to fuck around.
            If you want random meaningless sex, go ahead. Nobody here is going to judge you for that. Plenty of people do/have done it.

            We WILL judge you if you keep your girlfriend on hold while you do it. Right now, you're not on a break. You're in a relationship and you're thinking about having sex with someone else. Big no!
            You don't NEED meaningless sex to get over your girlfriends actions. You just need to get over it, period. If you can't do that, let her move on with her life. Once you're single and free, go screw around all you want.
            You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf


            • #7
              I don't think your feelings will be magically resolved if you sleep with someone else. I think this is more about the fact that 'your' girl has now been with someone else other than you. That won't change if you hook up with a random person. And yes I agree that you will look petty if you try to sleep with someone to get the score even.

              I think you need to decide whether you want to go off and experience some no strings sex with people, or commit to this girl. You can't have it both ways.

              You can't hold it against her either. You asked for the break.
              Just because someone's by your side, it doesn't mean they're on your side.


              • #8
                From a female point of view yes of course there is such a thing as meaningless sex.
                Great sex can be just as meaningless as awkward sex.

                You didn't think she would be the type to have meaningless sex? Well you never knew her as a single girl.

                You asked for a break with a so called intention of getting back together. What if you enjoyed your break and being single? Didn't miss her , met another etc. You might not have returned. She was in limbo which is completely unfair of you.
                Why couldnt you work on improving the relationship while in it?
                Instead of telling her for months that you want a break? How do you think that made her feel? Have you even considered that?

                When you choose to break from someone , you take a risk of losing them.

                Her intention was not to sleep around but she had a one night stand. So what? She was single.

                If you can't get past it then leave her alone and break up. You can't repeatedly punish her for one action when she was single by your choice.


                • #9
                  I don't know why young men fall into this trap thinking that the world of virginal bliss revolves around them and them only. I think you're objectifying her as a "good girl", someone pure and unsullied because she never slept with anyone else but you. You see her as more than just a person. She's a female body on a pedestal forced to live by your ridiculous rules. If you didn't treat her well, look within. Fucking, getting in another relationship with another girl, kissing or making out with someone else is not going to help you overcome your objectification of young women and will place you under the douchebag column in her memories for years to come.

                  Live and let live. If she sees an iota of good in you, don't prove her wrong. Get over your insecurity within you because putting your penis someplace else isn't going to make you feel any better in the long run. You're just going to feel terrible about making a mountain of a molehill and hurting this person whom you claim to care about.


                  • #10
                    As someone that married the girl that slept with other guys while on breaks while I never tried, I can tell you emphatically that you need to move on. It will wear on you for the rest of your life. And yes, even though you two were on a break it was really easy for her to go out and casually sleep with someone else in such a short amount of time, wasnt it?

                    drop her and forget her.


                    • #11
                      Don't pay any attention to those people who sit there and say "get over it", "you were broke up she had every right", yada yada yada yada. There is such a thing as having respect for you after a 10 year relationship KNOWING you would get back together. There is such a thing as having morals, values, character and honesty. I was in a similar boat as you. Not to mention the many guys my wife "forgot to mention when I asked" she had in her past, after 2 years we broke up for a few weeks and during that time she had a ONS with a stranger. Romped in the bed 4 times that night and into the morning. The difference is she lied to me and told me she never saw anyone during our breakup. I found out years after we were married. She said she didn't want it and that he was overbearing yet she set up the entire night and didn't do one thing to get out of it although she claims she was screaming inside for him to leave. What was worse was they had unprotected sex 4 times and having never told me about it put my health at risk.

                      So yes I get it. I get the pain and the depression. I also don't understand "sex' without a meaning and without enjoying it once it starts. Yet my wife wants me to believe that most of her sex with the many guys she was with she "didn't want to have it" but oddly enough she has never said "she never enjoyed it" once it happened. So to me you cannot "not want it" if you know you are going to "enjoy it". Can't have it both ways.

                      As for wanting to have sex with another girl I get that too. She disrespected you and you feel like in many ways she "cheated" on you. Anyone who jumps into bed right after a 10 year relationship I would question. I often thought that if the opportunity arises I would cheat on my wife because I felt "cheated" on for her lying to me multiple times in our relationship when it came to other guys - even when we were married she had questionable relationships on FB. Two wrongs don't make a right but why should YOU suffer the rest of your life when a little "revenge" might help call it a day for everyone.
                      Last edited by Pink Flamingo; April 30th, 2018, 10:35 AM.


                      • #12
                        Well, since this Thread started way back in February and we haven't heard from the thread started since he first posted, I think we can safely assume he's poster and ghoster.
                        "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!


                        • #13
                          You poor thing! I'm sorry this happened. To answer one of your questions it is possible to have meaningless sex with someone especially when alcohol is involved. I say just try to patch things up by allowing yourself to forgive her. If that doesn't work don't torture yourself any longer by staying. Forgive and move on I guess is what I'm trying to say.
                          Best of luck!