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  • My boyfriend had a three some with his best friend and his girlfriend

    Hi everyone.

    Recently my boyfriend (who I really love) told me that he had a threesome with his best friend and his best friend's girlfriend .

    I'm by no means a prude, but the thought of it just turns my stomach.

    I know that the past is in the past and it can't be changed but it just makes me feel really insecure. I havent been able to stop thinking about it since he told me. I would never want a threesome and it kinda bothers me that he's the sort of person who would (although he already said he wouldn't have it again - we did talk about it when he told me but only very briefly as it freaked me out so I wanted to talk about something else). And on the top of all, he is still keeping in touch with this 'best friend' and his girlfriend (since they're still together), which bothers me a lot. I'm not able to trust him when he's visiting them at their place, nor at his.
    Not only this but I can't help but think of all the sexual experiences he has had in the past (he used to go to a brothel before). After 2 months of relationship he even confessed that a few days after we started dating (we were not in a relationship, but is that an excuse?), while I was on a family trip for a week, he got drunk with a friend and went there. But the biggest surprise is that the friend didn't even go inside with him.

    I'm not really sure what I'm after here, but has anyone else been in a similar situation and did it bother you?

    I tried and talked it through with him many times, but it still bothers me a lot (especially this 'friendship' between him and these 2 other persons he's still keeping in touch with) and in many ways I wish he hadn't told me - but then again if I had found out years down the line it would probably bother me more that he didn't trust me. I also don't want to sound crazy and jealous which I feel I might do if I bring it up.

    I seriously doubt this friendship between them and it just makes me feel insecure about our relationship. I never felt like hating someone so much as I hate these two people from the three some and I somehow want them out of my boyfriend's life.

    What should I do? Please help me, I'm desperate, it is like a can of worms had opened in my head.


    ***Before people tell me to just get over it it's in the past - I know this. But any tips on how to actually do this? I'd never thought I'll ever be confronted with such situations, so unless you have been in this situation don't judge me for being jealous and crazy, please.***

    Thank you!

  • #2
    Unfortunately it is a case of get over it.

    How to do that is realise that you have got a very honest boyfriend and for that you are punishing him over and over again. How is that fair? You need to stop talking to him about it because everytime you do you are pushing him further away.
    You also cannot punish him by removing his friends from his life. You try to do that and you will lose him for sure.
    That means no snide comments or anything that suggests you don't like his plans to see them.

    If you truly can't get past this , then you should break up with him now as it's inevitable and why prolong that?

    This is entirely your own issue , not your bfs or his friends.
    So reason it out in your own mind and think about what's important to you.

    Good luck!

    Comment


    • #3
      You no longer have respect for your boyfriend because he has different views and moral then you do when it comes to sex and in what dynamic he has it in.

      Your relationship is all but dead once you lose respect for your partner. Its funny that you say you've hate his friends but your boyfriend was the third (the interloper) in that couple. Sub-consciously you hate him now too but you're just not admitting that to yourself yet because it means you'll have to give up a relationship you were enjoying up until you lost said respect.

      Sorry!

      "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

      Comment


      • #4
        What he does is his choice, but I find having threesome and and paying a prostitute for sex very disgusting.

        You have lost respect for him and it's normal I guess. I mean, he sounds like a man that can not put a leash on his desires. And if you ask me, people should be able to resist these urges if they want to be in a committed relationship.

        I would say have a serious talk with him.

        Comment


        • #5
          How long have you been together & how long ago did this happen? Was he remorseful when he told you this or does he consider it normal behaviour?

          Comment


          • #6
            You obviously have different moral views on sex than he does.

            There's no right or wrong here. Neither of you should have to change their views for the other.
            The only question is whether you can both live with and accept those views for what they are.

            He seems to be fine with the fact that you're less sexually open-minded than he is. You however are not fine with his views.
            That's not his problem, nor his fault. That's not his friends' problem. It's yours.

            He doesn't seem to show any desire to still act on these sexual desires while in a relationship with you. He doesn't want you to participate in threesomes. He doesn't go to brothels anymore. So how does this even affect you?
            If you can't let this go, put an end to this relationship. It means you're simply incompatible
            You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Maggiemay4791 View Post
              Unfortunately it is a case of get over it.

              How to do that is realise that you have got a very honest boyfriend and for that you are punishing him over and over again. How is that fair? You need to stop talking to him about it because everytime you do you are pushing him further away.
              You also cannot punish him by removing his friends from his life. You try to do that and you will lose him for sure.
              That means no snide comments or anything that suggests you don't like his plans to see them.

              If you truly can't get past this , then you should break up with him now as it's inevitable and why prolong that?

              This is entirely your own issue , not your bfs or his friends.
              This ^^
              Just because someone's by your side, it doesn't mean they're on your side.

              Comment


              • #8
                I have a similar experience but we have both agreed not to speak or continue corresponding to the other parties. I have no other details for the peanut gallery.

                The issue in your situation is not the fact that one of you had unusual or varied sexual experiences. It's that he continues to nurture a friendship or any ongoing relationship (even as friends) with the people whom he's shared an inordinate amount of private and intimate experiences with. In effect, it's as if the memory continues to be relived again and again because of the live friendships. This isn't really a thing of the past to get over when the very objects/people in question are still in your lives as a couple.

                As his partner you do have a right to voice your opinions or how much it bothers you. In an equal and mutually respectful relationship he should take into consideration your feelings and judge for himself whether your opinions are justified and cause for concern. A great many people in this world continue to engage in activities, friendships and relationships because they never ask themselves if there are better ways to grow or approach the subject. He could be dumb as a doorknob (unconscious of his actions) but equally keen to understand your opinions and work on your relationship together. You don't have to get over your discomfort or live in silence. If you don't like it and he tells you to fly a kite or is insensitive to how you feel, you don't need to be in his company or have anything to do with someone who causes you discomfort.
                Last edited by Rose Mosse; February 14th, 2018, 12:21 AM.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Stay away from weird people. You can do better.
                  "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post
                    I have a similar experience but we have both agreed not to speak or continue corresponding to the other parties. I have no other details for the peanut gallery.

                    The issue in your situation is not the fact that one of you had unusual or varied sexual experiences. It's that he continues to nurture a friendship or any ongoing relationship (even as friends) with the people whom he's shared an inordinate amount of private and intimate experiences with. In effect, it's as if the memory continues to be relived again and again because of the live friendships. This isn't really a thing of the past to get over when the very objects/people in question are still in your lives as a couple.

                    As his partner you do have a right to voice your opinions or how much it bothers you. In an equal and mutually respectful relationship he should take into consideration your feelings and judge for himself whether your opinions are justified and cause for concern. A great many people in this world continue to engage in activities, friendships and relationships because they never ask themselves if there are better ways to grow or approach the subject. He could be dumb as a doorknob (unconscious of his actions) but equally keen to understand your opinions and work on your relationship together. You don't have to get over your discomfort or live in silence. If you don't like it and he tells you to fly a kite or is insensitive to how you feel, you don't need to be in his company or have anything to do with someone who causes you discomfort.

                    God bless you! I feel like there's finally someone in this world who understands me and I'm very thankful for that Thanks a lot! Your answer helped me the most.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by chanelle View Post
                      Stay away from weird people. You can do better.
                      If it could only be that easy...

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Maggiemay4791 View Post
                        Unfortunately it is a case of get over it.

                        How to do that is realise that you have got a very honest boyfriend and for that you are punishing him over and over again. How is that fair? You need to stop talking to him about it because everytime you do you are pushing him further away.
                        You also cannot punish him by removing his friends from his life. You try to do that and you will lose him for sure.
                        That means no snide comments or anything that suggests you don't like his plans to see them.

                        If you truly can't get past this , then you should break up with him now as it's inevitable and why prolong that?

                        This is entirely your own issue , not your bfs or his friends.
                        So reason it out in your own mind and think about what's important to you.

                        Good luck!


                        Thank you for your advice. I understand what you mean, but stop talking about it and living in silence? I can't do that...

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by phasesofthemoon View Post
                          You no longer have respect for your boyfriend because he has different views and moral then you do when it comes to sex and in what dynamic he has it in.

                          Your relationship is all but dead once you lose respect for your partner. Its funny that you say you've hate his friends but your boyfriend was the third (the interloper) in that couple. Sub-consciously you hate him now too but you're just not admitting that to yourself yet because it means you'll have to give up a relationship you were enjoying up until you lost said respect.

                          Sorry!

                          I think you understood me wrong. I love and respect my boyfriend . Maybe the fact that I hate the other 2 parties but not him sounds funny to you because I didn't give the details, but the girl started to touch my boyfriend and stuff, and as he looked confused at his best friend, he was just like 'Oh, let her do it'. So how do you find this now? It's them who dragged him into this disgusting act!
                          Last edited by Joelle; February 15th, 2018, 10:15 AM.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by notsofunyguy View Post
                            What he does is his choice, but I find having threesome and and paying a prostitute for sex very disgusting.

                            You have lost respect for him and it's normal I guess. I mean, he sounds like a man that can not put a leash on his desires. And if you ask me, people should be able to resist these urges if they want to be in a committed relationship.

                            I would say have a serious talk with him.

                            Thanks a lot!

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Joelle View Post


                              I think you understood me wrong. I love and respect my boyfriend . Maybe the fact that I hate the other 2 parties but not him sounds funny for you because I didn't give the details, but the girl started to touch my boyfriend and stuff, and as he looked confused at his best friend, he was just like 'Oh, let her do it'. So how do you find this now? It's them who dragged him in this disgusting act!
                              Hi Joelle,
                              They dragged him 'forcefully'? I don't think so... He did want to part take in it... My ex had unfortunately such a fantasy too and it was/is a deal breaker for me.

                              Comment

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