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Finally got her to admit it: sex hurts all the time for over a year

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  • Finally got her to admit it: sex hurts all the time for over a year

    My wife of seven years and I had a rough patch lately and I opened the dialog with " I just want to communicate with you honestly". I finally got confirmation of what I suspected, sex has been painful for over a year. She says she's been to doctors; not sure what's wrong. She's been diagnosed with fibroid uterine cysts, which she wants to put the surgery off for six months or more due to her job. She says the doctors say it may or may not fix the pain during sex. My internet research confirms this; hard to say if we can find a fix or not.

    She's always been hypersensitive about physical contact, so it took me close to a year to ascertain she was not enjoying sex with me. It's embarrassing to admit that, as i've always tried to be so gentle with her. I think she's so afraid to disappoint me, so she's been faking it through the pain. Makes me sick to admit that. Lots of nasty feelings tied up in this situation.

    So i've made the case to her that I'm not interested in sex that hurts her (absolutely true) and that we'll work on finding other ways to connect in the meantime (less true). I do love my wife but I'm not sure I can go without a sexual relationship for the rest of my life. That said, I'm not sure if I have a better alternative since I'll be 50 this year. Advice? Thanks.

  • #2
    Sex as in intercourse? Does her mouth hurt too? What about oral? What about fingering and hand jobs? What about her tits do those hurt too? What hurts her vaginal intercourse?
    There is overwhelming evidence that the higher the level of self-esteem, the more likely one will treat others with respect, kindness, and generosity. People who do not experience self-love have little or no capacity to love others.

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    • #3
      Like I said, she's always been hypersensitive about physical contact. Really ticklish. Flinches uncontrollably when I touch her breasts or vagina. She says deep oral sex hurts her jaw and she's not very good at it. I guess if she cared more about our sexual relationship, she'd learn some new skills, huh?

      I have to tread lightly about making these kind of suggestions. In the past, she felt pressured and got angry and withdrawn if I tried to discuss sex past her comfort zone. For right now, I've been telling her I just want to focus on communicating better.
      Last edited by jbg2475; January 15th, 2018, 08:07 AM.

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      • #4
        is her doctor a gynecologist? sex should not hurt unless you're dong is extremely long or thick but she would adjust to large size after multiple sessions. does she orgasm during vaginal, anal or oral sex?

        i have one boyfriend who is exceptionally big but i only endured pain the first few times and only during anal intercourse. never experienced pain vaginally or orally with him.

        something is physical wrong for her to suffer this way. i would get another opinion from a qualified gynecologist before becoming a priest. lack of sex will put a terrific stress on your relationship over time.

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        • #5
          There are new procedures that don't require surgery where they shrink the fibroids. As rabbit asked, is she seeing a qualified gynecologist or just a doc-in-the-box?
          "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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          • #6
            Yes, the doc is a GYN. She tells me that surgery is the only option and that the GYN has warned her it may NOT completely fix the pain.

            Yes, I agree she should get a second opinion if she has not already. She’s a veterinarian so she knows how to work the health care system.

            What she’s not doing well is keeping me in the loop. I guess she’s embarrassed

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            • #7
              that is suspicious since such a important part of her relationship with you. does she cry or show she is actually in pain during sex? why would she be shy with you of all people?

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              • #8
                A complete hysterectomy would solve the problem, I would think. How old is she?
                "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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                • #9
                  Well, I'm not her but I also have uterine fibroids and I have never experienced pain during intercourse. I do sometimes have abdomina pain due to them. Doc says they are in the muscle of the uterine wall and that's why.

                  Has your wife ever been sexually abused? She generally does not like to be touched sexually so it would make sense.

                  Dyspareunia is painful sexual intercourse due to medical or psychological causes. Common sense says her pain will not go away with Fibroid surgery if it stems from something psychological.

                  Here is something else that it might even be:

                  https://www.vaginismus.com/faq/gener...is-vaginismus/

                  I think the two of you would benefit from reading up on these two conditions.






                  "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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                  • #10
                    cyst would not be factor during anal or oral sex. i asked friends about sore jaws from oral intercourse and nobody experienced it. her problem seems more psychological than physical from your comments.

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                    • #11
                      phasesofthemoonrabbithabit - I am inclined to agree with you; it’s probably more psychological than physical. I will try to discuss with her. Timing will be important.

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                      • #12
                        if she doesn't cry or show a painful expression when you're inside her then high probability is psychological response.

                        even if you're tool is extremely big the sore jaws was a red flag to me it was not physical.

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                        • #13
                          She wouldn't look at me and she winced when I orgasmed the last time we had sex (4 weeks ago), so I do think she's in some physical pain. She's always had trouble relaxing and penetration can take a while until she relaxes, but she usually eases into it.

                          But, yeah, it's psychological. She was raped by several guys at a frat party in college (20-some years ago). She told me about it when I told her I knew something was wrong about sex. That was two weeks into our sexual relationship. We had been friends for a few months before. Started as an emotional affair for both of us. The fact that she had confided in me and that I was OK with going as slow as she needed was bonding for both of us, but I guess that wore off with time.

                          And norabbithabit, I am average sized. I do think you are right, the physical pain is an excuse for something else.

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                          • #14
                            Originally posted by jbg2475 View Post
                            She wouldn't look at me and she winced when I orgasmed the last time we had sex (4 weeks ago), so I do think she's in some physical pain. She's always had trouble relaxing and penetration can take a while until she relaxes, but she usually eases into it.

                            But, yeah, it's psychological. She was raped by several guys at a frat party in college (20-some years ago). She told me about it when I told her I knew something was wrong about sex. That was two weeks into our sexual relationship. We had been friends for a few months before. Started as an emotional affair for both of us. The fact that she had confided in me and that I was OK with going as slow as she needed was bonding for both of us, but I guess that wore off with time.
                            Did she tell her gyno that? He's looking at physical reasons when they are psychological. Is she getting therapy to help her come to terms with the rape? She needs to be if she isn't.

                            Did you open up the links I gave you? Have you read about what it is she may have?
                            "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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                            • #15
                              i would guide her toward psychological counseling but would suggest you continue to have vaginal, anal and oral sex with her often so you enjoy life also. the more you do it to her the less her fears will become and the more she realizing it is normal love making actions by her soul mate.

                              don't feed her fears by let her abstain from sex by using lame excuses like sore jaws and vaginal pain that is only in her mind.

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