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Wanting more physical intimacy from male partner

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  • Wanting more physical intimacy from male partner

    I have been in my relationship for 3 years now. I am 29 and he is 35. My partner has never been overly physically affectionate and i am struggling with this. I'm finding it difficult to know how to feel. He is an incredible man In all other areas, works hard, is kind, intelligent and we can talk about anything. He just isn't in to hugs, kisses and our sex life is non existent. I have tried to bring it up and he mentions being tired and not having a libido. What do I do to help him with this, without causing an argument or hurting his pride?
    I have tried leaving suggestive notes, sending fun photos and making myself more physically appealing but nothing I can think of seems to help. Is there any male perspective who have gone through this and can offer some insight into how he is feeling?
    Many thanks

  • #2
    This is not a male perspective but here's two cents. When one person is initiating sex or sexual contact repeatedly it skews the relationship and you become unattractive. Sorry- that's right, you look really unattractive. Also very boring and repetitive. There may be other ways to be intimate like talking and getting close to each other mentally and knowing what's going on in each others' lives. You mentioned you can talk about anything with him but maybe you're just talking too much and that's exhausting having to listen to. Some people also like to engage in doing things (not doing each other all the time) like going to concerts, amusement parks, being lighthearted and going back to the dating phase/feeling. Why don't you play hard to get and focus more on having fun in general and see how he responds.

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    • #3
      Originally posted by sarah29 View Post
      .... he mentions being tired and not having a libido. ....
      By definition, "libido" is the desire for sexual activity. Did he ever have a libido? With you, in his younger days?

      And does he claim he used to enjoy sex?

      When someone has no desire for sexual activity, they really have to internal motivation to get it or get it back. They don't miss it. So the motivation has to be external. That means you need to push it. Get him to a doctor. It could be hormones or some other thing that is suppressing what should be at least a minimal libido.

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      • #4
        Does he watch porn, masturbate?
        "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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        • #5
          I don't push the physical contact. I will try and initiate something every few weeks or so but he is quite uninterested. In the last 12 months we have had sex 3 times. We in fact quite share the conversation topics and I love to hear about what is on his mind so I don't feel it is an issue of me overwhelming him with my problems.
          He has had a hormone check a few months ago becuase he is aware that his interest in sex is non existent and all things are normal. He has watched porn in the past but nothing recently, I'm not sure if he mastibates when I am not around.

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          • #6
            Ask him if he masturbates. That lessens a desire to actually bang when you're in the company of your SO. Also makes it harder for some men (maybe women) to cum.

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            • #7
              "We can talk about anything"

              So talk! Approach the conversation differently. Rather than focusing on what's going on with him, try to tell him what's going on with you. How lack of intimacy is affecting you. In a non Threatening way of course.
              Tell him you miss him, how important it is for you and ask if there is anything that you can do or change to improve things.

              Dont place blame on him. Talk about you and your needs.

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              • #8
                Maybe if you explain you really miss this intimacy, you can talk about dating someone else besides him who can fullfill these needs? He should be kinda okay with that, as he has no libido and you do.

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                • #9
                  I have suffered what your boyfriend is suffering from.

                  I think there are two choices as to what is at the bottom of the problem. It's either a physical dilemma, or an emotional one. There are really no other choices.

                  Mine was a combination of the two. I am really fairly shy, by nature, but I am also very sexual and want to be active. That isn't always an easy combination. It has caused problems before.

                  Eventually, I knew I had to try to get to the bottom of the biological component. Did your boyfriend see a urologist who has a specialty with sexual dysfunction? I think that is the exact specialist that he would need to see. Those kinds of doctors are well-versed in what hormones may be deficient. From my experience, I learned that general practice doctors don't typically know the finer details of hormone imbalances that can lead to dysfunction. So, it's important that he sees a urologist that specializes in sexual dysfunction in males. A Google search for a doctor in your area should turn up some names.

                  if he is struggling with something emotionally, that's a whole different dilemma. It is even possible that one is influencing the other. Did you say he doesn't like to talk about it? Couples counseling with a social worker well-versed in sexual dysfunction would be hugely helpful. I have always been too embarrassed to go see one, however, so I see how that could be a longshot.

                  I am glad to hear that he took the lead and went to the doctor to check his horemones. He now needs to go to the next step. He has to be willing and able to talk to you more about it, and you to him. If you both care about each other, it's important that you both are able to express what you feel and what you need. Easier said than done, but regular couples counseling could help you get through some of that. Even that was tough for me, and I don't think I ever brought up sexual frustration in a couples session. So, who am I to talk? :-)

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                  • #10
                    I think that yr partner is stressed of work or any kind of issues that he is not sharing.If this is a problem than you should talk and try to solve.On the other hand if this is not the problem you should go for weekend trips and can consult a doctor for some medications that can overcome your partners libido.This happens in many men, don't worry this problem can be solved. (deleted ad)
                    Last edited by SarahLancaster; January 16th, 2018, 08:45 AM.

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