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  • Hubby and anime/manga/hentai

    My marriage of over a decade is excellent, except our sex life. The sex life is more and more non-existent. Throughout our marriage, I've been a bit concerned about his fascination with anime porn. When we first got married, I kind of thought "Oh well, everyone has their own flavor of porn." But I feel like his use is kind of extreme and I'm kinda feeling like it's more interesting than me.

    He turns me down for sex a LOT. I don't remember the last time he initiated. He gives me compliments ocassionally but it feels more like a compliment from a girlfriend than flirty. I can't really think of anything I've done to slow the sex down. I have great personal hygiene, I've been losing weight, I fix my hair and make-up, dress nice being sure to wear stuff I know he likes such as tall boots and lacey stuff. I'm open to trying literally anything that gets him off, though I would have a number of conditions for bringing anyone else into the bedroom. We have tried toys, S&M, etc... whatever he wants. (He does like the submissive type.) There's no ongoing tension that I know of, except my issue about the anime but I haven't brought that topic up in at least a year. When I ask him about the infrequent sex, he says that nothing is wrong and he's just tired a lot. Also sometimes when we DO have sex, he can't maintain an erection but he says that because of medication. That's believable and understandable, he's on a lot of meds and can't help that.

    I could be wrong but I can't help but think that his fascination with anime porn is just more appealing to him than his real-life but less than perfect wife. He spends probably 2-3 hours a day reading anime type erotica on his e-reader. He has around 200-300 DVDs. He has anime girl video games, anime girl nude coloring books, anime graphic novels, and more. They're all x-rated type stuff. He spends around $100- $200 a month on it. (I don't really begrudge him the money, I spend around the same on beauty products and cigarettes. Lol. I just think that might be an unusual amount to spend on porn.)

    I go back and forth between trying to play into the fantasy and downright resenting it.

    In the past, I have ordered the anime style wigs and costumes for sex. He seemed to like that a lot but the enthusiasm wore off. I've offered to give him oral sex while he watches the movies. He took me up on that a few times. I've offered to read him the erotica in my lightest voice while he masturbated. He liked that for a little while. I've agreed to just get naked and kneel on the floor while he looks at it and masturbates until he's ready to finish on my face. (He has a thing for finishing on the face.) But it always seems to go back to him in the bedroom by himself with all of his fantasy stuff every evening.

    Other times, probably every couple of years since we've been married, I've asked him to lay off of the stuff because I feel like it's creating a fantasy I can't compete with. No matter how hard I try, I'm never going to be a dozen teenage Asian girls fighting over his #$%&. He gets really, really mad when I bring it up in that context and says that although some of it has sexual themes that he reads/watches it for the story lines and that I'm being crazy jealous. We've gotten into some pretty intense fights about it in years passed.

    So, it's been a while and I'm starving for some kind of sexual attention. I'm just kind of debating what to do next. I spent a while last night looking for new wigs and cosplay outfits online (It's been a long time since I tried that). But I'm wondering if I should just accept that my sex life is basically over?

  • #2
    He has an ADDICTION.

    Tell him he gets himself into therapy and supplements that with a 12 step programme or you're taking your fine self out of the marriage and he can wank himself silly without you around to suffer through his bull shit.

    You? You get yourself to a meeting for codependents so that if you're too afraid to leave, at least you will learn to quit enabling him to be the shitty and inattentive husband that he has become.

    Have you considered supplementing him with a boy toy and letting him know that is what you'll be doing since he won't stop pulling his pork to cartoons long enough to satisfy you in the bedroom?
    "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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    • #3
      I'll add that you have gone above and beyond trying to get him to quit is addiction wherein most of what you have done is about his needs while ignoring your own which makes not only him ignoring them but you ignoring your needs as well while you enable his addiction.
      "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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      • #4
        I kind of thought it was an addiction, too. But I have some mental health issues and sometimes don't trust my own perception of things. I doubt there are groups here, it's a small town. But I have a psychologist, I will talk to her. She actually adores him but she doesn't know about anything regarding the porn or our sexual relationship. Only regular daily non-bedroom life.

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        • #5
          This is certainly an addiction. And I agree with Phases that you have gone way beyond what most people would do to try and resolve the issue.

          I think you really are at the end of the line here. For the last decade you have put his needs first. You can either carry on doing that and your sex life will stay the same, or you can decide to put your own needs first for a change and take action. Of course, he's going to be super resistant to any change since this has gone on for so long, and no doubt it will be a huge headache with him accusing you of being 'jealous' or whatever. It's something you're going to have to go through if you want anything to improve.

          I suggest you follow Phases advice about getting him into an addiction programme, since that's clearly what's going on with him.
          Just because someone's by your side, it doesn't mean they're on your side.

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