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Why does she buy lingerie if she isn’t going to wear it for me?

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  • Why does she buy lingerie if she isn’t going to wear it for me?

    my wife has really slowed down in the last year or two. Î try and try but sex is like pulling teeth. But yet she always does thing la to make me think she wants it. She has been buying lingerie for a long time. In the last year she has spent quite a bit of time looking at it trying it on in front of me at the store, buying it, and it sits in a drawer. Some things from last Valentine’s Day with tags still on them. Îknow what you’re thinking but yes î have talked to her about it. Very openly. Îspecifically have asked these questions and then she tells me that she’ll just have sex with me everyday to make me happy, (like that’s a threat) lol but even then nothing happens. I’m posting because this last one isn’t sitting with me well. She spent almost 200 dollars on sexy panties. Some were just regular panties but others were sexy. When î asked her what she bought she said “sexy panties for you!” And “they are too kinky to wear outside the bedroom” and “you can’t wear these with regular clothes”. Like îsaid we have sex few and far between so î asked “why? You haven’t worn what you already have bought, what’s the point.” Well tonight marks weeks of not having sex and îclimb into bed, î still like rubbing on her and what not. She likes me to wedge my back against hers to sleep and î feel something against my back. Wouldn’t you know it the underwear that’s for me and can’t be work any other time but for me in the bedroom, she’s wearing to go to sleep. So î get frustrated. Î don’t know what to do.

  • #2
    The problem is not the lingerie. She obviously likes the way she looks in it and doesn't necessarily associate it with having sex.

    Have you ever considered couples counseling for sexual issues? How old is she?
    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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    • #3
      It makes her feel good about herself.
      Does she also like shopping for regular clothes?
      How is her self esteem?
      How is your relationship otherwise?
      How long have you been together and when did the intimacy decline?

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      • #4
        Trust me, î get that she likes the way she looks in it. What I’m saying is she buys it then doesn’t wear it. At all. There’s things we have had for over a year and still has tags on it. Then she buys these panties that’s “only for me” her words not mine. And she’s wearing them for other occasions where î can’t even see them. We’ve been together about 7 years. Bofore and after our first child î couldn’t keep her off me. It was non stop. Our first child was a boy, she got that testosterone in her and she wouldn’t stop. Then naturally we got pregnant again this time with our daughter and it came to a grinding vault. And has never been the same since we had our daughter. Î don’t get it. She’s 33. I’m 30. Her self esteem seems fine. She’s very attractive. For the most part our relationship î would say is about average. We love each other but there’s nothing going on otherwise. Îrecently had to travel which is rare for me. Î was gone for 3 days and the day î came back she was home it was almost noon she was still in pajamas and the only thing she wanted to do was put together ikea furniture. Î asked why nothing else about me being home , she said “we talked the entire time you were gone it didn’t feel like î was gone”. The lack of sexual intercourse has impacted me greatly as my stamina has declined significantly. When she does actually want sex it’s never anything spectacular, she only takes off clothes necessary. Socks and shirts stay on. Which is not very sexy at all. And it doesn’t last long because I’m excited to be getting some. And then it just feels like a big let down to both of us. I’ve tried everything. Date nights, random flowers repeatedly, it’s not even something we do for anniversaries or holidays. It almost feels like she wants someone else and when she gets to talk to them or thinks about them she settles for me, and naturally î can’t give her what she’s expecting. It’s always the same position, and it never requires her to move. So it kinda feels like She knows it’s about time that we have to have sex so she’s just letting me do it. Very frustrating. But no matter how many times we talk about it nothing ever changes. So I’ve given up. Maybe it’s me. Maybe î want her more than she wants me. Maybe I’m not normal and want it too much. Or maybe me wanting other positions or a little spice every now and then isn’t acceptable. Î guess î don’t have a lot to go off of here so î don’t know if it’s me or her or both.

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        • #5
          It sounds entirely hormonal to me. It hits women at all different ages.

          I think perhaps that she may be struggling internally with what she knew was happening before even YOU did; her sex drive is plummeting and she doesn't know what to do about it.
          It's a crushing struggle for many women, ESPECIALLY when they DO still love and adore their husband. The last thing they want to do, is make their partner feel undesired, yet at the same time, the less you push for intimacy, the better off you'll be.

          Perhaps the lingerie purchases are her attempts at making herself feel sexy. If this is the case, you need to stop beating yourself up over all this. You can't fix her, and it's not your fault, nor hers, for how her hormones may be wreaking havoc on her.

          She buys the lingerie , wears the panties when she goes to bed, all the while hoping that how she views herself on the outside, will transcend into how she feels on the inside.

          You say that her 'self-esteem seems fine' - have you ever asked her if it is ?
          You describe your relationship as being 'average' - what does that mean exactly ?
          Do you masturbate in between making love to your wife ? - if not, why not ?
          The definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result.

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          • #6
            Good god, sign me up to never get married. No offense but your story is just like every other guy or friend of mine that's ever gotten married. Everything becomes routine, no excitement, no passion = dead bedroom. I know not all long term relationships and marriages go this direction, but honestly most seem to eventually. And as a guy with a high libido/high passion this shit just fucking scares me.

            Anyways, i didn't notice whether you'd spoken to your wife about the lack of sex and how important it is to you, but i'd start there. Communication is always the most important part. If she doesn't know how much it's bothering you, she can't work on it with you. I'd say the lack of sex is the bigger problem, and the lingerie is just the kicker, cause truth be told, i'm sure it wouldn't be a problem if you were getting it in more often, right?

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            • #7
              To be honest î would be happier with sex more often who wouldn’t. But if you’ve never had sex with someone who literally could care less, just getting it in doesn’t really do it. Î myself really enjoy a woman getting off. So if she’s not getting off it doesn’t mean anything also, to pistol, yes weve discussed her self esteem, she has never said anything about it being bad. That doesn’t mean she isn’t telling me î guess. Also of course î master bate. What guy wouldn’t? That is not the same as sex. And if you think so you should try not having sex for over a month and seeing how long you last. Assuming you’re a guy.

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              • #8
                I think you should seek counseling for sexual issues. You both seem pretty young, and everything you are describing doesn't seem like there are issues outside the relationship that are causing the problems. Maybe her problem could be hormonal, an at her age maybe she could treat it.

                At 33 you should tell her that you are too young to not have a more active sexual life, and that you need to at least try and fix the problem.

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                • #9
                  You say these items still have tags on them yet wears them when not with you. With the tags still on? Lol

                  Babies do not pass testosterone or oestrogen to the mum. They don't even develop these hormones until puberty.
                  If your first born was female and your second was male the issue would be the same.

                  My best guess is it has to do with the age of your first born.
                  How old are your kids? She is a tired mother. That has an affect. How much do you contribute to the care of your kids? Making dinner, feeding, laundry , putting them to bed, play time, school work , getting them up in the morning etc etc ?

                  Is she a full time mum ? Does she work?
                  Do you get babysitters to allow you to continue to date each other?

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                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Kyleb1833 View Post
                    To be honest î would be happier with sex more often who wouldn’t. But if you’ve never had sex with someone who literally could care less, just getting it in doesn’t really do it. Î myself really enjoy a woman getting off. So if she’s not getting off it doesn’t mean anything also, to pistol, yes weve discussed her self esteem, she has never said anything about it being bad. That doesn’t mean she isn’t telling me î guess. Also of course î master bate. What guy wouldn’t? That is not the same as sex. And if you think so you should try not having sex for over a month and seeing how long you last. Assuming you’re a guy.

                    I'm fully aware that masturbation is not the same as the real thing, Kyleb, but I was suggesting that perhaps you wouldn't feel so pent up, if you rubbed one out more often on your own. Perhaps you'd last longer too when she DOES want to be intimate.

                    You said you enjoy 'getting a woman off', but do you really know how to get your WIFE off ? I'll tell you right now that how you make her feel outside of the bedroom, is crucial to how she responds while inside the bedroom.
                    If she tells you that her self esteem is healthy, then she's either not telling you the truth (how sad ?) or she's bored of your routine (the fact that she only takes off what is necessary to allow penetration, screams boredom and lack of passion)

                    I'm anxious to read your response to Maggie's questions. Those are absolutely KEY. I was a stay at home mom for 7 years, and I know all too well how challenging it is to be everything to everyone, especially when your spouse thinks that his job is DONE when he gets home from working OUTSIDE the home.
                    The definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result.

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