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Really bad first sex experience with new dating partner

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  • Really bad first sex experience with new dating partner

    Ok, I have been on 3 dates with a ten years younger man and we really had a good time, a lot to talk about, he is really interested in me. I felt very comfortable but have been taking it easy. I have been in the dating game for a while and it has not been such a great ride, so my expectations are not high any more. He has been very respectful during those dates. I am usually very good at reading people, but I somehow struggled to read him, eg I was not sure just how much he liked me.
    Then, at the end of the third date, we were about to say goodbye outside of his house where I parked my car and paused. He suddenly seemed shy and said he didn't know what to do next, so I smiled and asked what he wanted to do and he asked whether he could kiss me. I said yes. We did, and he asked me if I wanted to come inside for a while, although I only had a few minutes left as I needed to get home to the babysitter. I said yes because I thought we would just kiss a little longer, that's it. Then he showed me into his bedroom (there was someone else renting another bedroom in the house) and threw me onto the bed and started undressing me instantly, it was very rushed. I felt totally blindsided and didn't know what to do. Everything happened so quickly. I wanted to stop and even said to him that we could not have sex but he carried on taking all my clothes off, and his own. It was like I could not stop him. So I said that I did not want to have unprotected sex so he grabbed a condom and we had intercourse, it felt quite aggressive, not gentle at all, and it was all about him. I felt like a piece of meat. It did not feel great at all and was very awkward for me. I was glad when it was over about 10 minutes later and I quickly got dressed and left.
    The next morning I sent him a text saying that I had a good evening during the date but it was a mistake having sex so soon and that I did not want to have casual hookups any more. He replied saying that he understands, no worries. I thought that this meant that we were over. A day later I received another message from him where he asked me about my opinion about something. I completely freaked out when I texted him back, asking why he would still contact me again after that terrible ending of the date. I told him that no woman should be treated like that, that he basically jumped on me etc.
    He was completely puzzled and confused, not understanding at all what I meant. He said that he liked me a lot and was looking forward to seeing me again. He even tried to call me but I was too upset to answer. A bit later he wrote that he was very angry and disappointed that I made him seem like a bad guy even though we both knew that he wasn't. It looks like he had no idea what I was talking about.
    I was so surprised about his reaction that I calmed down later, although I now still feel quite confused. How could someone who is so respectful suddenly turn into such an "aggressive" person in the bedroom?
    He wants to see me soon, and acts as everything is totally normal. When I see him I have to tell him that it was not in order what happened. But I am honestly also worried that this might just be the kind of sex that there is with him. If that's the case I will have to say Goodbye. This would be a pity as we really liked each other, otherwise, and had a good dating start.
    I would like to hear your thoughts, especially from men.

  • #2
    Well, I'm not a man, but I can tell you that I'm bewildered that you would consider seeing a man again who raped you. I'm sure you'll make excuses and say it wasn't rape, but it was RAPE.

    I would have called the police, but that's just me.
    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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    • #3
      Originally posted by Newbie1 View Post
      Then he showed me into his bedroom (there was someone else renting another bedroom in the house) and threw me onto the bed and started undressing me instantly, it was very rushed. I felt totally blindsided and didn't know what to do. Everything happened so quickly. I wanted to stop and even said to him that we could not have sex but he carried on taking all my clothes off, and his own. It was like I could not stop him. So I said that I did not want to have unprotected sex so he grabbed a condom and we had intercourse, it felt quite aggressive, not gentle at all, and it was all about him. I felt like a piece of meat. It did not feel great at all and was very awkward for me. I was glad when it was over about 10 minutes later and I quickly got dressed and left.
      Im sorry if this sounds rude but what you just described sounds like rape. You definitely didn't consent to this. You said no and he didn't care. The guy doesn't even feel like he did anything wrong, and he thinks he can be mad because you made him look like a bad guy when he isnt? Why would you even want to see this guy again? The guy literally didnt care what you though or what you wanted and did whatever he wanted. Do you seriously want to date a guy like that?

      Have you ever wondered how many women he has done the same thing to??? If I were you I would call the police, because a guy like that shouldn't be around.
      Last edited by tarasoff; November 15th, 2017, 01:44 PM.

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      • #4
        Thanks for your replies, this experience did indeed make me think about what is currently in the news about Hollywood and sexual assault. Even though I initially said No, I then went with it instead of getting up and leaving, so I half-consented. The confusion afterwards was also about myself, why was I not able to just leave (and I felt guilty about that)?

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        • #5
          Originally posted by Newbie1 View Post
          It was like I could not stop him. So I said that I did not want to have unprotected sex so he grabbed a condom and we had intercourse.
          You felt trapped, so you gave in. It doesnt mean you "half-consented", I honestly don't think that even exists. Its a yes or no. You shouldn't blame yourself. The guy appeared as charming as posible, why would you think he would do something like that? There's no way that you could have seen this coming, people shouldn't go around doing this things, so again, dont blame yourself. I think you would benefit from therapy. Dont ever contact him again or allow him to contact you, he is not a good person.

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          • #6
            BLOCK him on your phone and maintain NO CONTACT. He does not respect women or boundaries. Shame on him. But you are older and you know
            this was not right. Forget this dude.

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            • #7
              I view this whole thing COMPLETELY different.

              I'm sorry, but you consented when you told him to put a rubber on. (and then proceeded to wait while he went and got it, opened it, and put it on) - plenty of time to get up and leave.

              I didn't read anywhere in your post where you told him 'No'. YOU said "I wanted to stop and even said that we could not have sex" (until he produced a condom, then it was game on)

              Perhaps he totally misread your actions throughout the night, and coming up to his place meant something different to you than it did to him, but.......you also never mentioned that you felt fearful of him or that he would hurt you if you told him to get the fuck off you.

              I can't believe that you actually referenced HOLLYWOOD.....wtf ????

              I don't think it was rape at all.....and I don't think you do either, otherwise, your LAST concern would be whether this was the kind of sex that there is with him, cause then you'd have to say goodbye, which would be a pity because you really liked each other and had a good dating start.

              No one, who even has the SLIGHTEST FEELING OF BEING TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF, would mention the things that you did at the end of your post.

              If he had been slow and methodical, caring and passionate, my guess is that there would BE no post. I think there only IS one because it was a wham, bam, thank you ma'am, and until it was brought up by Tara and Sarah, you never even CONSIDERED it rape.

              Are you sure you're just not a little pissed off with yourself for not having a better grip on the situation than you did, and are now looking back in retrospect and thinking "Shit, too bad he sucked in bed, cause we were pretty compatible before all that happened"
              Last edited by pistol; November 15th, 2017, 04:44 PM.
              The definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result.

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              • #8
                Pistol, that's an excellent point that entirely escaped me.

                He stopped momentarily to go get a condom and put it on. That's got to take at least 20-30 seconds. Plenty of time to get away. She doesn't seem to indicate that she was afraid for her life, so if she wanted to, she could have gotten up and run. Also, since there were other people in the house, she could have screamed to get their attention.
                "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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                • #9
                  Nor would you (if you felt violated instead of just disappointed) send a text the next morning saying that you had a good evening during the date but it was a mistake to have sex so soon and you didn't want to have casual hookups anymore......c'mon.......
                  The definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result.

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                  • #10
                    Originally posted by pistol View Post
                    I'm sorry, but you consented when you told him to put a rubber on. (and then proceeded to wait while he went and got it, opened it, and put it on) - plenty of time to get up and leave.

                    I didn't read anywhere in your post where you told him 'No'. YOU said "I wanted to stop and even said that we could not have sex" (until he produced a condom, then it was game on)
                    Did you read where she said YES??? Because she didnt. She said "and even said to him that we could not have sex" if someone doesn't interpret that as a no, they should at least ask. She also didnt ask him to put a rubber on, she said "i do not want to have unprotected sex." That doesnt translate to put a condom.

                    The lack of NO doesnt mean consent. When he was putting the condom on, yes she could have run, but first had to pick all of her clothes, but for the love of god she was probably trying to understand what was happening. She even said that she felt like she couldnt stop him.

                    Maybe the way society normalizes this type of things is the reason why she thought this to be normal behaviour by the guy, when it shouldnt.

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                    • #11
                      I'm not swayed.......I still stand by my opinion......and you are entitled to yours, tarasoff
                      The definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result.

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                      • #12
                        When I see him I have to tell him that it was not in order what happened.

                        I went back and re-read her narrative. If I felt that I had been raped, there wouldn't be any "When I see him" I'm going to have to tell him what a jerk he is. There would be no considering ever seeing him again without a lawyer. But here she is entertaining the idea that she's going to see him again, only she's going to tell him she didn't like the last date. Those really aren't the actions of someone who has been forced into sex against her will.
                        "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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                        • #13
                          VERY interesting comments, thank you, everyone. I expected men to have a completely different opinion about this than women. Yes, I liked the guy until the moment he threw me onto the bed and started having sex with me in such an aggressive way (he even hurt me), not considering that I said that we could NOT have sex at the beginning. Everything happened so quickly, I did feel trapped and stayed because I trusted him. It was not rape, just a really bad and very one-sided sexual experience. I told him that I do not want to see him any more. He says he respects my decision but would still like to talk face to face because he is confused about what he did wrong.
                          Isn't it interesting that he thinks nothing was wrong at all about how he acted, however I as a woman experienced it in a completely different way??
                          Last edited by Newbie1; November 16th, 2017, 04:49 AM.

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                          • #14
                            I'm with Pistol. I don't see this as a rape at all.

                            1) You kissed him and agreed to go into his house at the end of the 3rd date. We've all seen the movies. We all know what come inside after 3 dates implies.
                            2) You said you could not have sex because you didn't have time. That's hardly a big defiant 'NO' which indicates you are not consenting.
                            3) At no point did you resist, or tell him to stop, as he took your clothes off, put a condom on, etc.
                            4) You're still talking to him and thinking of meeting up again, saying things like 'next time'. Hardly the actions of someone who thinks they have just been raped.

                            Let's face it. You may not of wanted to have sex with him when you initially went in the house, but you did then allow it to happen. Crappy, one-sided, aggressive sex is not the same as being raped.

                            Anyway, I think this guy probably isn't the one since he asked if he could kiss you. No wonder you didn't want to fuck him when he's pulling that beta male shit.
                            Just because someone's by your side, it doesn't mean they're on your side.

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                            • #15
                              Originally posted by whatshappeningreg View Post
                              Anyway, I think this guy probably isn't the one since he asked if he could kiss you. No wonder you didn't want to fuck him when he's pulling that beta male shit.
                              Makes me think that he maybe was somehow initially intimidated by me (I am 10 years older, too) and then wanted to dominate me during sex...
                              Last edited by Newbie1; November 16th, 2017, 09:03 AM.

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