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Fiancee has no sex drive after hysterectomy

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  • Fiancee has no sex drive after hysterectomy

    First the backstory: I am 54, my fiancee 46. We have been together nearly five years, officially engaged since this past spring. We have both been married before, me for 19 years, she for 15. Between us, we have five kids.

    Now the delicate part: we had an active and fulfilling sex life. We were conpletely into each other, experimenting with new things we'd never tried with previous partners. All good. Two years ago, her doctor suggested she get a hysterectomy, to alleviate some longstanding issues--things that had been causing her pain for years. She went through with the surgery, I was with her every step of the way.

    Since then, she's had no sex drive. We've done nothing sexually for two years other than kissing (which she does still enjoy), and what I would call "light makeout sessions." But not further. I am still enormously attracted to her. I am going to spend the rest of my life with her, and I love and adore her in all ways and think she is the most beautiful, desirable woman I've ever known. (Which I tell her on a regular basis.) But I do still have a strong sex drive, and want to make love to her. I will NEVER seek sex outside our relationship, I will never cheat on her, I want to be clear. She is my one and only, and we have committed to each other for the rest of our lives. Period.

    We've talked about her lack of sex drive. We communicate well with each other, and I've brought up my concerns. She says she simply doesn't feel it, just isn't interested in full-on sex. She assures me it has nothing to do with me (I never thought it did, I understand the changes her body has gone through, and we connect to each other so well in every other way). I've asked if there is anything I can do, as her partner, to help. The last time we discussed it, she got a bit frustrated and just said, "I don't know!" I've suggested talking to her doctor about hormones, but the last time she saw her gyn doctor, she didn't ask.

    I hate to think our sex life is over, at our ages. I don't want to pressure her, because I want our sexuality to be about both of us, as it was before her surgery. But she doesn't even seem to miss it. Again, we are physically affectionate, just not to the level of "all the way" sex. Perhaps this will have to be enough. But I am quite frustrated.

    I would be grateful for any insights that anyone here, male or female, might have. Ah, issues of sexuality in middle age!


  • #2
    You're going to have to pressure her. She has no libido. By definition, that means she has no desire for sex. So she has no motivation to seek a cure for a lack of libido. You have to provide the motivation. That means pressure.

    As lovingly as you can, you have to explain that you need the sex you used to have together. And that her lack of libido is a result of her surgery but not an excuse to deny her committed partner an important part of your relationship that you BOTH used to enjoy.

    You can explain that you'll be understanding if it doesn't come back, but not until she's done everything she can to restore it.

    Good luck

    PS: For her to simply write of the sex life that brought you two so much pleasure is completely selfish. For her to stubbornly refuse to try is going to breed a resentment in you that will undermine your love for her.


    • #3
      I 100% agree with what was said above. Unfortunately, she doesn't miss what she can't really feel anymore. You have to lovingly, like they said, convince her to do something about it for YOUR sake. Right now she understands that you are fully committed to her without it (which is wonderful that she has a man so loyal to her), but she needs to see this from your standpoint. Sex, right now, is NOT about her. It's about you because you're the only one who cares. It should be about BOTH of you and she needs to understand the significance of this. Sex is an extremely important part of any romantic relationship and it is very selfish of her to not care about your sexual fulfillment. You could also consider going to a therapist together to help facilitate a conversation about it. That way maybe a professional can put it in terms that make her see how she needs to make more effort right now. I wish you the best of luck.


      • #4
        She may be so glad to be done with the hormones and the issues and worry that she won't consider hormone replacement, but hormone replacement might rejuvinate her. Have you talked about whether she even wants to feel sexy again or not? If so, she should at least go talk to her doctor about it.
        Not at all flirtatious. Why does it say that??


        • #5
          After my hysterectomy, my sex drive went on vacation. Before surgery, I had an extremely high libido. Now, it takes work to get inspired. I cannot seem to initiate sex, but once we're in bed, my body kicks into gear, and everything is fine. Perhaps your wife is having a similar issue, and just assumes since she cannot get aroused thinking about sex, that she cannot get aroused at all. It took me a while to figure out that I was fine once engaged, but until that point, sex didn't even cross my mind.

          Sure, you could pressure her, but if she isn't in the mood, it may backfire. Is she on any form of hormone replacement therapy? For me it helped, but it far from fixed the problem. I would suggest that instead of pushing for sex, that you focus on intimacy. Perhaps if she feels secure and happy with the romance and intimacy, it will trigger her sexual desires. For me, it was the intimate backrubs and cuddling that triggered my body to want sex. Talking about the issue just got depressing and overwhelming after a while. A hot bath, back rub, and his hand brushing the right spots lit my fire again. Everyone is different, but maybe intimacy will help to remind her body what it is missing out on.It is a difficult situation to be in, as there is no magical fix that works for everyone. I wish you luck!


          • #6
            That's very fine and all and admirable that you would pledge your life and undying love to a woman who can't seem to fulfill all your needs or desires but I think you're heading down a treacherous path considering you are putting your needs second after hers and it's not like she's going through chemo, radiation, rehab, lost half her torso or is suffering from brain damage or other physical discomforts. It's a bit rude that she is not making more of an effort for the sake of your relationship and it doesn't sound like she has any intention or desire to fulfill your needs - probably because you seem so consumed about making her feel better and babying her after her surgery. The thing is: love doesn't last forever under all circumstances and marriage isn't a guarantee, no matter how many years or how many kids or how old you are. Don't be so self-sacrificing all the time. Acknowledge what you need too.
            Last edited by Rose Mosse; December 6th, 2017, 02:33 AM.