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My fetish is destroying my relationship

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  • My fetish is destroying my relationship

    Hello.
    I just want to ask your opinions on what I am going through and if you think I can ever be normal. I will try to do this as short as possible.

    I have a cuckquean fetish. It is also called reverse cuckold, it means that I am sexually aroused by a thought of my man having sex with another woman. I've been living sexually since I was 18 years old (I am 25 now). I am currently in a year old relationship, and my current partner is my third sexual partner in my life. I have never had an orgasm caused directly by any of my partners. Not during sex, not during any kind of sexual activity I have been doing with them. I had my first orgasm at 21, from masturbation. And I couldnt decide if I was more disturbed by the fact that it was the thought of my boyfriend having sex with his classmate (witch I HATED and was jealous of) that turned me on, or if I was more happy that I finally did it - I had an orgasm.

    I was too ashamed to tell my boyfriend about this at that time. Gradually, I found out more specificely what ideas turn me on. It was not about sex. It was not about voyerism. It was not a bi-thing. It was (and is) about humiliaton. Not slight, cute, sexy humiliation. I fantasize about my partner deliberately cheating on me, not about some loving consent. I dream of him totally degrading me as a woman. Sex is just a part of it and it would not especially bother me if it was solely about it. Mostly, I fantasize about him slowly falling in love with the other woman, torturing me emotionally, eventually making the other woman pregnant etc. Honestly, I couldn't care less about the sex part.

    My current partner knows that I have this fetish. We tried to make it work by him talking about this stuff during intercourse, him and the other woman, but as soon as he says anything like this, it hurts like hell. There is no joy of it. There is only pain, humiliation, all bad. It doesn't even make me horny. So, this didn't work at all, and I still can't reach orgasm with my partner. And I am not even close to it. Eventually, he started to be less and less interested in sex, and at the moment, it has been several months he hasn't even touched me, nor hasn't seen me naked. I tried to talk to him about it and told him that I enjoy sex even without orgasm, but he says it is very demotivating for him and I lose attractivity in his eyes sexually (it has been a long process to make him tell these real feelings of him). He says too that it isn't my fault, that he is under a lot of stress lately and doesn't feel good about himself since he gained some weight, so it is not just about me. But I know that it is mostly about me - he didn't lose interest in women, I see him checking them out and stuff (he's been doing this our whole relationship) - he just lost interest in me.

    I am afraid that my stupid sexuality will destroy our relationship. Currently I am just masturbating and there isn't any problem with it, I orgasm always, even several times a day if I want to - but I have to think about my fetish. I dont want my life to be like this. I feel so ashamed. Before you start telling me that I should have a long pause with this fetish, I DID IT. It was a year or so. I didn't think about my fetish, I stopped masturbating with this thought, I tried to think about normal intercourse, watch porn with my partner, talk normal "dirty stuff" during sex, I just tried it. I just couldn't get off at all. Then I tried another thing - since this fetish is the absolutely worst one for my self worth (for me, personally), I tried to replace the cuckquean one with another. I watched and read ALL kinds of porn, even the most perverted ones, including incest, shitting and puking, just everything I could think of. None of them would do anything with me.

    Don't tell me to accept it. Just don't. I can't accept that I will never be able to orgasm with my partner or that he won't even want sex with me, that I fantasize about being taken away my human dignity, that my fantasies will be always just fantasies, because it would only hurt if I placed them in real life.

    Please, tell me what to do, something I haven't heard before, something that will wake me up from this living nightmare.

  • #2
    First of all, you're being a bit dramatic. Not being able to fulfill your sexual fantasies is hardly a 'living nightmare.' Lots of people HAVE living nightmares by being very ill or losing children.

    You probably need to make an appointment with a sex therapist.
    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

    Comment


    • #3
      Originally posted by SarahLancaster View Post
      First of all, you're being a bit dramatic. Not being able to fulfill your sexual fantasies is hardly a 'living nightmare.' Lots of people HAVE living nightmares by being very ill or losing children.

      You probably need to make an appointment with a sex therapist.
      Well, thank you for taking time to read my post and reply to it. Also, thank you for your advice to go to sex therapy.
      Yes, I may sound a bit dramatic, because I wrote this just like I felt it and that is what I felt.
      If you think that I am mostly worried about not fulfilling my sexual fantasy, you read it all wrong (or maybe I wrote it all wrong?). I am worrying about the fact that my partner is completely losing interest in any sexual contact with me because of my inability to climax with him.
      That part about ill people and those who lost their children - really unnecessary. I don't know what is "very ill" for you, but I have a schizophrenia and clinical depression. I don't know if it meets your criteria of being justified to be dramatic.

      Comment


      • #4
        Have you talked to your boyfriend about what he wants out of your relationship? Are you absolutely sure that his problem is that he can't satisfy you? Do you love him? Does he love you? It seems that two people who are devoted to each other could work out these issues, come up with some kind of compromise.

        Have you read books on sexuality? There must be a wealth of information out there about it.
        "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by SarahLancaster View Post
          Have you talked to your boyfriend about what he wants out of your relationship? Are you absolutely sure that his problem is that he can't satisfy you? Do you love him? Does he love you? It seems that two people who are devoted to each other could work out these issues, come up with some kind of compromise.

          Have you read books on sexuality? There must be a wealth of information out there about it.
          Yes, I try to talk to my boyfriend about everything that bothers me. Actually, the problem is that I probably ask and analyse everything in our relationship way too much, at least my boyfriend perceives it this way. When I try to have a serious talk with him about what he expects from our relationship, he either makes fun of that in order to talk things away, or he acts irritated. I don't know if I really ask so much and often, or he just doesn't want to talk about it.

          Well, I think the fact he can't satisfy me is his main problem, since he says he could satisfy all of his previous lovers (and there were lot of them), but probably there are some other issues too - I am not his preferred body type, he prefers women with big boobs and ass, and am not anything like that. I knows he misses having a sex with girls like that, he brought up the idea of a threesome with some girl like that a long time ago and I am not directly against it.

          The other problem may be that I am not that technically skilled in sex as his previous partners (at least I conclude it from the things he said they were able to do to him).

          Another thing is that I am not sexy for him, I never was, not just in terms of my appearance, but when it comes to my whole personality, the way I move, the way I act, he just can't see me as sexy, he rather finds me cute or so.

          Another thing is that all of his previous partners were very wild generally in life, he argued a lot with them, they had many problems, but he says that kind of relationships lead to much more passion in bed. I am a very calm person and I am not giving him that excitement he was used to.

          And the last thing that comes to my mind is that I completely lack self-confidence, also in life generally, but mostly in bed. I am completely sure he sees my awkwardness when he wants me to say something hot in the bed, because he used to like role play or just talking hot stuff, but I was in constant tension of the fear I will say something stupid or weird. It came to the point, and I am greatly ashamed for that, that I was watching role play porn and writing down things they said, and I was learning them by heart.

          Yes, I do love him. If he loves me, I don't know. He doesn't say that to me, he rarely kisses me or touch me. He is quite specific as a person, he also has mental problems of his own, so I am in constant doubt if his expression in our relationship is just consequence of him just being him, or if he just really doesn't love me.

          I tried to search for any valid information about the specific fetish of mine, but all I found was porn. I guess the cuckquean fetish is a minority thing, but on the other side, I found some information about cuckolding, when the man wants his wife to cheat. I guess it works similarly as the female version. Generally, psychology says that this fetish is a result of a person feeling inferior to that point, that these negative feelings have to be vent somehow, and that is when person starts to be aroused by his pain. Basically, it is just the way the mind of a person copes with feeling not good enough, or a less of a man/woman. I certainly have been extremely self-consious and jealous all my life, so it makes sense for me.

          I tried to talk about this problem of mine with my therapist, with whom I talk about my general issues in my life. She asked me if it really bothers me that much that I can't have an orgasm with my partner. I said no, it bothers mainly my partner. Then she said - then it's his problem - and the conversation was over. I would say that she didn't even want to talk about it, so she shut it down. Anyway, we try to work on my self-esteem in the therapy, but I feel like I haven't moved an inch since I started therapy (this is my second therapist, I've been in therapy for 2 years now).

          Comment


          • #6
            Maybe it's time to consider that you are no longer compatible with him and move on with your life.
            "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Andaco View Post

              Yes, I try to talk to my boyfriend about everything that bothers me. Actually, the problem is that I probably ask and analyse everything in our relationship way too much, at least my boyfriend perceives it this way. When I try to have a serious talk with him about what he expects from our relationship, he either makes fun of that in order to talk things away, or he acts irritated. I don't know if I really ask so much and often, or he just doesn't want to talk about it.

              Well, I think the fact he can't satisfy me is his main problem, since he says he could satisfy all of his previous lovers (and there were lot of them), but probably there are some other issues too - I am not his preferred body type, he prefers women with big boobs and ass, and am not anything like that. I knows he misses having a sex with girls like that, he brought up the idea of a threesome with some girl like that a long time ago and I am not directly against it.

              The other problem may be that I am not that technically skilled in sex as his previous partners (at least I conclude it from the things he said they were able to do to him).

              Another thing is that I am not sexy for him, I never was, not just in terms of my appearance, but when it comes to my whole personality, the way I move, the way I act, he just can't see me as sexy, he rather finds me cute or so.

              Another thing is that all of his previous partners were very wild generally in life, he argued a lot with them, they had many problems, but he says that kind of relationships lead to much more passion in bed. I am a very calm person and I am not giving him that excitement he was used to.

              And the last thing that comes to my mind is that I completely lack self-confidence, also in life generally, but mostly in bed. I am completely sure he sees my awkwardness when he wants me to say something hot in the bed, because he used to like role play or just talking hot stuff, but I was in constant tension of the fear I will say something stupid or weird. It came to the point, and I am greatly ashamed for that, that I was watching role play porn and writing down things they said, and I was learning them by heart.

              Yes, I do love him. If he loves me, I don't know. He doesn't say that to me, he rarely kisses me or touch me. He is quite specific as a person, he also has mental problems of his own, so I am in constant doubt if his expression in our relationship is just consequence of him just being him, or if he just really doesn't love me.

              I tried to search for any valid information about the specific fetish of mine, but all I found was porn. I guess the cuckquean fetish is a minority thing, but on the other side, I found some information about cuckolding, when the man wants his wife to cheat. I guess it works similarly as the female version. Generally, psychology says that this fetish is a result of a person feeling inferior to that point, that these negative feelings have to be vent somehow, and that is when person starts to be aroused by his pain. Basically, it is just the way the mind of a person copes with feeling not good enough, or a less of a man/woman. I certainly have been extremely self-consious and jealous all my life, so it makes sense for me.

              I tried to talk about this problem of mine with my therapist, with whom I talk about my general issues in my life. She asked me if it really bothers me that much that I can't have an orgasm with my partner. I said no, it bothers mainly my partner. Then she said - then it's his problem - and the conversation was over. I would say that she didn't even want to talk about it, so she shut it down. Anyway, we try to work on my self-esteem in the therapy, but I feel like I haven't moved an inch since I started therapy (this is my second therapist, I've been in therapy for 2 years now).
              Your fetish is not destroying your relationship. Your relationship never got off the ground to begin with. It seems to me that you discussed intimate things prematurely before getting to know each other, you both clearly have self esteem issues which doesn't exactly make for a great relationship regardless of how the sex is.

              I suggest you get out of this relationship and work on the underlying issues which has nothing to do with your fetish.

              If he posted here, I would tell him the same.

              Comment


              • #8
                I agree with the ladies. As I went through this thread I came to the conclusion that this has almost nothing to do with your fetish and is more to do with the fact that the two of you aren't really compatible.

                Your personalities don't fit, and it sounds as though the two of you are sexually incompatible regardless of the fetish. I think most guys would be happy to keep having sex with their partner and trying to make them orgasm, rather than just abandoning the whole idea and abstaining from them for months. Also, it's odd that you know so much about his sexual history. I wonder whether that stems from him blabbing about it or you relentlessly quizzing him on it? Either way, it sounds as though he's just not that into you, and seems as though you feel the same. It might be time to think about calling it off.

                Also, when you are masturbating and thinking about your fetish... can you not just think those same thoughts whilst having sex with him and try and bring the orgasm along?
                Just because someone's by your side, it doesn't mean they're on your side.

                Comment


                • #9
                  See a sex therapist. Other than that I really don't know what to say.. your post makes no sense to me. My head is spinning reading it

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Sorry to dredge this thing up but seriously couldn't come back here and see a vulnerable person torn down like this.

                    Look, sexuality is a complex thing. People like what they like and that's fine. They develop their interests for all kinds of reasons, not all of them because of some childhood trauma or inferiority complex, as armchair psychologists like to theorize. We are complex beings and sex is complex. This is what happens. You don't have to understand the origin of this kink at the moment, just that it is is a part of your life.

                    It sounds to me like your main issue is that your relationship is not fulfilling. You two aren't meeting each other's needs, emotionally and intimately. That's really normal. It sounds like you need to reassess where you want this relationship to go and whether there is any way to save it. ]

                    In terms of sex...it is super common for women to not orgasm. Some women don't learn that they can orgasm until late in their lives, so you are not alone in your late discovery of orgasms. In terms of your particular sexual interests, those are also within the realm of normalcy, as long as we define normalcy as sex between consenting adults in which neither is harmed. If your particular kink is causing you distress, then sure, you may want to talk to a professional about it. You can definitely see a sex therapist, though they are not as common as you would think and may not be as sex positive as their name suggests, You may also consider looking for a sex and kink positive psychologist, who definitely exist. Cuck fantasies are common and as are cuckqueens. You can also search out a partner who accepts and celebrates your kink so that you have a fulfilling sex life.
                    "All this has happened before. All this will happen again."

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