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  • Feeling Used

    I am with this guy who I've dated for two years but very casual for the first year at least. He recently moved in with me but lives downstairs with his kids. We both have week week off with our kids. Since he moved in he has asked me to help pay for his rego and said he would pay me back but made no attempt to. Since then I also paid for his car RACQ membership. He keeps paying me towards bills but then asks to borrow it again. Now his car is broken down he needs $1000 to fix it, I told him I don't have any money to help. I have strong feelings for him but am really feeling like I'm being used..... I think he has a gambling problem and I noticed since moving in he drinks 9 beers most afternoons after work. He also sometimes goes to sporting clubs and rsl's where he plays pokies. I told him that I know all about addictions as I have a family with them and I don't think it's right to drink everyday or gamble then tell me he has to borrow money off me. I've been through some really tough times with separation and settlement. I've decided I'm going to get a co- habitational agreement drawn up so that any assets I have are protected. I'm scared he's going to dwindle all my money away and I'll never buy a house again. I have a chronic illness which there is no cure for do my ability to earn income may be greatly effected in the future. Worried sick. Any ideas on how to maintain my relationship without causing me monetary grief..? Or do u think I'm being used. ?

  • #2
    What is the dynamic in this relationship? Are the two of you actually together in a committed relationship? It sounds like a very strange setup to me since it appears you have let him 'move in' to your house even though he lives seperately downstairs with his kids... ??

    Perhaps if you can elaborate on this it will help us establish your options. My initial reaction is that is certainly sounds like you are being taken advantage of.
    Just because someone's by your side, it doesn't mean they're on your side.

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    • #3
      Certainly you should never lend him any money ever again. Is he paying rent and utilities?
      "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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      • #4
        We keep our finances separate like Flatmate's but we are in a relationship together.

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        • #5
          We decided that blended family thing was easier if we both had seperate living spaces, it works well as we both get quality time with our kids. I love him but I do have many concerns about how he keeps borrowing off me when he earns double what I do. I have some money from settlement when my ex and I seperated but it's not enough to buy a house. My plan is to try and work again once my treatments start working for an autoimmune disease I have for which there is no cure. Once I am well enough to go back to work I plan on applying for a loan to try and buy a house again. He seems to think that I just have endless funds to spend but I have a long term goal to be a homeowner again. I suspect he has a gambling problem as he's often disappearing for a few hours but doesn't tell me where he's going. He did see a GP not long ago about his drinking and gambling problem. I also found on his phone calls which he had made to hookers once and when I confronted him he said he just calls them sometimes out of curiosity. I nearly left him back then as to me it sounds like he called them to arrange a hook up. He also goes on hook up sites but says he's just looking and would never meet anyone. He's not overly sexual and often doesn't care if we have sex or not. I'm so confused about who he really is and need to protect myself from financial hardship if things don't work out between us as I have many red flags. What should I do?

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          • #6
            Quite honestly, he sounds like a loser. When is your lease up?
            "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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            • #7
              He is just using you for the money. The more you willingly give the more he is happy to take.

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              • #8
                Yes I think that's what is happening, I hate to admit it but I think if I stop helping him out sooner or later I will find out for sure who he really is. Now that I've told him I don't have access to funds I think that will stop him asking for money. Lease doesn't run out until next April. I hope to buy something by then so my kids and I don't have to keep renting.

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                • #9
                  Would you be able to live in the same house if you broke up and you were just roommates? Would it be a safe place?

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                  • #10
                    Given the extra info about his addictions, calls to hookers etc, I would say that he is indeed taking advantage of you and your willingness to lend him money.

                    I agree with you that once you stop lending him money you will find out who he really is.

                    These addictions are nothing to laugh at and may take him years to overcome. I think you would be wise to do everything you can to protect you and your assets, and get out of there.
                    Just because someone's by your side, it doesn't mean they're on your side.

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                    • #11
                      I think it would still be ok to live here as the house has seperate entries I can lock the top level off completely. I like him as a person he's not a bad person he just has some very serious issues/addictions due to an awful childhood. I want to help him but I also want to preserve my financial future for myself and my kids sake. I've spoke to a solicitor and he said I can get a co-habitational agreement to protect my assets but it's only necessary after living together for two years. I'm quite devastated as I thought he was my soulmate and I think if I love him and he loves me why am I letting him use me....

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                      • #12
                        You allow him to do this to you, so you alone can stop the bleeding with the money. Do you pay him because you feel sorry for him? Would he be willing to get help with his addictions again?

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                        • #13
                          I don't understand the 'co-habitational agreement to protect <your> assets." Does he have access to your bank accounts or any of your other assets?? I'm not sure about the law where you live, but I don't think he would be entitled to any of your assets if you aren't married. If you could afford it, you could break the lease and move out soon. I think it would be worth it to you.
                          "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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                          • #14
                            I've since had words with him and told him I can't keep helping him out by paying for his bills as I have put my money into a long term deposit until I can buy a house. I do feel sorry for him and have confronted him about his addictions he seems to be in denial about his gambling. I have some siblings with similar addictions so I totally understand that they never admit they have a problem. It's sad as it ruins lives.

                            In Australia a spouse ( even if you aren't marrried) can claim half your assets after living with you even on a part time basis for a period of two years. Even if they have no assets they brought into the relationship. I spoke to my solicitors on how I can protect myself so my kids have something in the future. They told me to get a co-habitational agreement which is similar to the USA prenup. It will cost around $2000 but well worth it I think.

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                            • #15
                              Are you still having sex with him? If not, it's not considered a domestic relationship.

                              That's a pretty sobering law. Good reason not to move in with someone.
                              "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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