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Struggling to find chemistry with anyone except one guy (who hates me)?

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  • Struggling to find chemistry with anyone except one guy (who hates me)?

    So I've known this guy for over a year now and when we met he was in a relationship but we had insane sexual tension from literally the first time I met him. He stayed with his girlfriend for about 8 months and in that time we never actually addressed the situation but he did know that I liked him. So it was weird because he knew that I liked him and I knew that he knew and it was all just really confusing because we seemed to have so much chemistry but he always denied everything and I pretended I had no feelings for him at all. Long story short he broke up with his girlfriend and a week after that we got drunk at a party and ended up getting off in the back of his car. After that I was even more confused because he acted like it was nothing and we could just continue being 'friends' but I felt like I didn't have a choice and just had to go along with it so I did. But the sexual tension never went away and we kind of became friends with benefits even though most of the time he acted like he hated me (because he didn't want to have to deal with commitment) but then we would fuck and it was just so good. In the end I realised he was a destructive force in my life and I've mostly cut him out but my problem is that I'm finding it impossible to find anyone else who even remotely compares to him sexually. He could just brush his hand against my arm and it would feel electric and even though I have been through a lot of guys trying to get over him I haven't felt anything even close to that level of attraction. I just get bored with small talk and I feel bad because I've met people who would treat me better than this guy ever did but it's just not exciting. I think maybe I got used to having to chase this guy and him being so dismissive but then finally having sex with him, making it even better because of how much work I had to do to get it and now I find guys who want me boring. I'm still incredibly attracted to him and I'm trying so hard to move on, what do I do?

  • #2
    Why not just continue your FWB relationship and stop indicating that you want more from him.
    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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    • #3
      Originally posted by SarahLancaster View Post
      Why not just continue your FWB relationship and stop indicating that you want more from him.
      I would if I could but he's been a seriously bad influence on my life and knowing him feels really destructive. I just want to move on :/

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      • #4
        Then you already know what you have to do.
        "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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        • #5
          How is he destructive to your life?

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          • #6
            Originally posted by Pollon View Post
            How is he destructive to your life?
            I've had problems with addiction and substance abuse and he tends to trigger that

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            • #7
              He 'triggers' it....what does that mean? He forces you to engage in substance abuse?
              "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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              • #8
                Originally posted by SarahLancaster View Post
                He 'triggers' it....what does that mean? He forces you to engage in substance abuse?
                Really didn't want to make this about that but no there's no force involved. He just encourages and enables it.

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                • #9
                  Is it possible that in some way your replaced your "urges" for drugs with "chemistry" for him?

                  That is, instead of be fixated on your next drug fix, you point your "attraction" at him.

                  What are you doing about your addiction? Any treatment, therapy or support group?

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                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Pollon View Post
                    Is it possible that in some way your replaced your "urges" for drugs with "chemistry" for him?
                    Exactly my thoughts!

                    The substances used are creating a false chemistry, higher sex drive etc
                    OP, have you ever been with this guy without using anything? It would be a completely different scenario.

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                    • #11
                      This is a tough one OP. I have gone through a similar situation and unfortunately sometimes sexual intimacy can be a top priority for a relationship. I learned that this is something that is very important for the success of my relationships even though I wish it wasn't so. I would continue to look for other people and try to wait it out. Perhaps you might be thinking that the sex was better than it actually was since you have not had anyone that has compared to your level of attraction with this person yet.

                      Also, I was thinking the other day when I was trying to get over my ex, that thinking about them during masturbation is self-destructive. Masturbation, just like actual intimacy produces oxytocin. Oxytocin is what keeps you attracted to your partner and brings you pleasure. If you constantly masturbate to this person, it keeps reinforcing how awesome the sex was, because after all, what is better than your imagination? I don't know if this is something that you actually do, but I am assuming if he was your best, you might even think about him when you are being intimate with others. So perhaps try your best not to do any of that and hopefully you will begin to break some of those feelings that you have towards your sexual chemistry with him and begin to form other, more positive strong sexual chemistry with others.

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