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My fiance and lover of more than 4 years has just told me she's into BDSM I am not

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  • My fiance and lover of more than 4 years has just told me she's into BDSM I am not

    Hey everyone, I honestly have no idea where to start from, but I really do need help, preferably from someone with experience.

    So to put you all in the picture, I have been dating this girl for more than 4 years now, and we have recently got engaged, it's all great and I love her more than anything in this world, but we have been long distance for quite some time and we still will be until next summer when I finally graduate medical school overseas and we are planning to get married and move in together.

    For the first year we were together there has been no sex whatsoever, just an overdose of emotions, we do love each other quite more than I can fit in this post, then I had to travel abroad and I started to see her once a year, so the following summer was the first time we actually have sex and it went on.

    During that stay everything was normal, then last summer when she was here I did notice a few stuff, I fingered her for fun, and she would get an orgasm every single time and that turned me on and made me go crazy, but I know the clit is the most sensitive part and when I asked her she told me she enjoyed me fingering her more than rubbing the clit, so one time doing that (I was going slowly cause I was scared of hurting her) she kept pushing my hand as in to go harder so I did and we were making out, before she had an orgasm she was biting my lips hard, holding me very tight and scratching my back and she said that was the best orgasm she's had, I later looked at my fingers and apparently my nails made her bleed from going very hard.

    Then when we were having sex I prefer missionary as I get to see her beautiful face and my penis is slightly bent upwards which is great in that position to hit the g spot, and doggy is too tight for my thick penis, so when we were changing positions I told her to get on top and she told me she wanted to do doggy because it is more painful, I thought she was crazy like who would prefer that for this reason.

    Days went on, after countless times of amazing sex (well at least to me) I had to travel back, and we had to go back to skype sex as the only sexual experience we could have, it used to be good the first times every time I had to travel, but this time I noticed she was less interested, anyway since I left this time she hasn't even asked for it once, then during a casual chat she told me you're too cute for someone who looks like you (I'm a fitness model) so I thought she was joking and I joked along and told her "Won't be too cute when I tie you down and whip your ***" and she goes like "Oh please do" so I just laughed and changed the subject, but the accumulation of events all triggered my mind, and I was sure about this, days later she sent me a nude and asked me what I would do to her if I was there with her, so I decided to take it a step ahead and I told her the usual bdsm stuff and for the first time in a long long time she tells me she managed to get off to that, so I was even more sure and decided to ask her the next day if she had any sort of fetish, and she said she doesn't, and because I was so sure I told her I have one but I can't tell her until she tells me, and after long negotiations she actually did, she told me she was a masochist and she said she doesn't want to ever talk about it until I go see her (March) and I told her I'll tell her about my fetish later.

    I do not have any fetish, I am almost a doctor now and pain for my loved ones still scares the **** out of me, I am the passionate loving slow sex partner, and I enjoy being that and worshiping every part of her perfect body the way she deserves to be worshiped. But I don't want to lose her, she's everything to me and I'd rather die than not be with her, and I was always insecure about pleasing her in bed mainly because I was cheated on before, which is why for 4 years I have just been trying to build this body that she can sleep with and never get enough of, and I thought that was helping, I don't mind doing anything to please her, and I know if I refuse her she's probably going to try to satisfy that pleasure somewhere else eventually and I don't want that to happen.

    So please tell me what to do, or if you know any forums that can help please refer me to them, I have been spending many sleepless nights thinking about this, I don't want to hurt her, but I want to please her, do I play along and tell her my secret fetish is that I'm a sadism and try to work with that? Or do I just ignore it? And if I was to play along how the hell can I even do that lol like is there some way a person can practice or learn? Or do I tell her I don't have a fetish but I'm ready to try anything with her? I can't talk to her about it until March so whatever I say she would probably reply with a yes or no since she clearly stated she doesn't want to talk about it.

    Thank you very much.

  • #2
    You spent 4 yrs building a body for her?

    Bullshit!

    You didn't do that for her. You did that for you, born out of insecurity.

    You didn't have sex for the first year and all of a sudden she is a masochist? Perhaps she had previous sexual experiences of that nature but I find it hard to believe that it is that important to her if she didn't have sex with you in the first year. However, I suspect she has had sex with another in the past 4 years where you only have seen her once yearly.

    To make a long distance relationship work, both need to be prepared to conduct a relationship via calls, Skype etc. She is not holding up to her end of the bargain. Her suggestion of discussing an important topic in 6 months time, is simply her buying time.

    I would be very surprised to find out that she is not fucking others in your absence.

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    • #3
      Sounds implausible that this relationship has even lasted four years of basic celibacy barring once a year fuck fests but I'll respond seriously none-the-less.

      First off, I would NOT ask her what she wants you to do. That will take away most of the fun. I'm sure if you were confident in what you were doing and just do it to her, her experience would be far more passionate.

      Thing is, You need to educate yourself by googling Sadism/Masochism and then reading the links that pop up. Perhaps you'll even find a forum where you can retell your story and get advise from those that practice the dynamic as a rule rather then the exception. You also have to know just how far she would want you to go so talking about what "masochism" means to her would be important as she may think rough sex is considered masochism when it is no such thing. So, don't ask her what she wants you to do to her but rather what masochism is in HER definition.



      "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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