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  • Sex has all but stopped.

    So me and my girlfriend have been in a relationship for about 2.5 years now and for the first 1.5 years everything was amazing, not least of all the sex. We experimented and discovered new things as well as had frequent love making and sometimes just sex.

    However recently this has all but stopped completely. At first we thought it was the type of pill that my girlfriend was taking - after about 2 months on them her periods stopped altogether which we thought was just a side effect of the pill and thought nothing of it. After that her libido started to drop rapidly, we decided that it may be best for her to stop taking the pill and switch back to condoms and see if her body can re-sync itself back to normal.

    We waited about 6 months and that never happened so she went to her GP who referred her for blood tests, 3 different tests. Everything came back fine apart from what we think is a slight fatty liver (yet to be confirmed but the family planning doctor says that shouldn't affect her libido) - the doctor thinks that her weight gain is what stopped her periods and its just coincidence that it came on at the start of her taking the pill and as she continues to lose weight the periods should come back.

    In the mean time we have tried to find some common ground - she is perfectly content with not doing anything because she doesn't feel the need to (even masturbation has stopped for her) but of course I don't have that same feeling and want to try to continue being intimate. We agreed that sex would only be as and when she felt into it which though sporadic still does occur and that in the mean time she would just try to satisfy me.

    The problem we have is that she feels as though I am constantly asking for it, which I don't believe I am or even want to be since I don't want to have to ask for things since it makes me feel weird I would rather things just occur naturally, however because she doesn't feel like doing it, naturally = not at all.

    Every time we try to talk about it we tend to end up in an argument as the we both feel the other person fails to keep to their commitments, i.e I feel like if I don't ask she'll stop and she feels like if she did it spontaneously I'd still ask for it.

    Does anyone have any advice as to where we can go from here as its starting to put a real strain on things?

  • #2
    Do you guys live together?
    "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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    • #3
      We do

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      • #4
        Did the slow down begin after you moved in with one another? I wonder if she's just showing you her actual libido now that the honeymoon period is over? Regardless of the reason, the point is that you're not happy with the frequency but she is. That means you are mismatched in libido. Do you guys still do lots of dating activities now that you're living together or do you just come home from work, veg and watch t.v.? Not being active can reek havoc on one's urge to merge. Also, her weight gain will affect her self-esteem and if she's not feeling sexy in her own body then she'll not feel like doing it either.

        When you say you "ask for sex" do you outright verbally ask for it or do you try to get her in the mood through flirting, touch, etc? Have you ever watched porn together?
        "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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        • #5
          We moved in pretty quickly around 6 months and although it slowed it was entirely more frequent than it is now. Usually the asking will come from me flirting then kissing touching and massaging e.t.c to which she'll say no or 'stop groping' and I'll ask for something for me - it's like a bartering situation which is why I want it to stop - we do veg during the week but are quite active on the weekends day trips e.t.c but even then nothing sparks the fire - we are looking to join a gym in the next few days to help with the weight gain.

          The weight is an interesting point, when we make jokes like "Who's my sexy girl" she now responds with 'not me' - to which I have said may well be the cause of the issue. She doesn't think there is a cause she just feels like it's stopped for no reason - the family planning nurse has advised her could probably try getting referred to a psyhcosextherapist but my GF is going close minded and saying she doesn't think it will work - not that she's not willing to go, but I wonder what the point of doing it is if she is so closed minded.

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          • #6
            After only six months of dating you moved in with a virtual stranger. Now you're getting to know the real person and her libido has adjusted to be what it normally would be after the new relationship energy has waned. I think the psychosexual therapist is a great idea as is the gym. I don't know about her but after I have a good work out it fuels the fire... all the blood pumping and the better she feels about herself, the more she'll feel like doing it.

            Her comment of "not me" is telling. Hopefully after she loses some weight or even starts to feel more healthy from working out, her want for sex will return.

            Good luck... Oh, and get some couples porn and have a gander together (if she's not one of those chicks that doesn't want you watching it) maybe that will egg her on.
            "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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            • #7
              I was perfectly fine with the old, normal libido, even she admits this is completely different. She used to (when we were dating) work shifts. Some nights I would try it on and get lucky and some nights I'd just go to sleep only to be woken by her initiating sex because she read or watched some porn herself. Again though all that has stopped she now has no inclination to want to even read her own porn anymore.

              We did watch porn once and it worked brilliantly, I think the main hurdle is getting her past the mind block of actually doing it in the first place.

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              • #8
                Get a nice bottle of wine and sit down together and watch some fun porn. Nothing too out there (couples porn is great for that) and just enjoy. If you smoke weed then maybe that will help her to let go of what's psychologically blocking her desire. (weed is becoming legal here by January, not sure what what's happening where you are with that though).

                Good luck.
                "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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                • #9
                  I just wanted to add a little 'what if' in here......have you ever had open dialogue with your girl about whether she's actually happy with 'how' you make love to her ?

                  'What if' she's just bored with the same old, same old, even though you THOUGHT she was cool with it, because she's never said anything to you ?
                  'What if' it's become so routine that she feels like it's more of a chore now ?
                  'What if' asking her to satisfy you alone , has made her feel cheap and used ?

                  I only bring these points up, because this is exactly what happened to my husband and myself when I was in my late 20's. We used to go at it like rabbits while we dated, and that continued on into our marriage, but so did the same old routine.
                  As wrong as it was of me to not have an honest conversation with him about what my needs were, it, along with a few other factors, led to me falling out of being 'in love' with him, which ultimately led to the demise of our marriage.
                  25 years ago, I didn't have the courage to tell him the truth, because I didn't want to hurt his feelings, or make him feel like less of a man. Little did I realize then, that rolling my eyes at the offer of intimacy, was just as damning to him.

                  Anyway, it may be something to consider....or not......just thought I'd throw it out there. And honestly, ajones, I mean no disrespect by it. Simply food for thought.
                  The definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result.

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                  • #10
                    Originally posted by phasesofthemoon View Post
                    weed is becoming legal here by January
                    Jealous!
                    Just because someone's by your side, it doesn't mean they're on your side.

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                    • #11
                      Well Reg... it will probably cost too much to buy since the Government here taxes the living bajeezus out of ALL such things including booze which is like $40.00 for a 26 oz bottle of Vodka. and $12.00 for a pack of cigarettes for those that still smoke. They'll be selling weed out of the Government run liquor stores so it won't be cheap but it will be free of additives and pesticides so it will be of better quality then the illegal stuff was (so they say).
                      "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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                      • #12
                        Does she suffer from anxiety?

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                        • #13
                          Originally posted by phasesofthemoon View Post
                          They'll be selling weed out of the Government run liquor stores
                          I am well versed in Canada's Government run liquor stores thanks to Trailer Park Boys!

                          Just because someone's by your side, it doesn't mean they're on your side.

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                          • #14
                            Oh jazus... they're all not like that. lmao.
                            "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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                            • #15
                              I just always assumed you lived in a trailer and never wore shirts anyway Phases!
                              Just because someone's by your side, it doesn't mean they're on your side.

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