Just recently he confessed to me that there were alot more women in his past that he did not tell me about. There were alot of one night stands, he said he led a very risky and hollow life. Before this confession he had said there were 2 serious girlfriends between the ex wife and me and a few dates, but said he had only slept with the girlfriends. I suspected there was more to his story and pushed until he finally confessed that he and the ex wife used to swing, for about 2 years during their marriage. Full swap swinging, him with other women, her with other men, him with her and another woman. For some reason that alone crushed me. He said that he had no emotional connection to the wife, therefore he didn't care what she did, it was all purely physical. He also claims that he has never felt an emotional connection with someone like he does with me and now understands the difference of "making love" and just having raw sex with someone. He claims that it would drive him insane if another man touched me and that he has no desire to be with another woman because of his emotional connection to me.
But I'm having alot of difficulties with "letting it go"... for some reason I am comparing myself to this ex wife and his enjoyment with her and think that I can't please him. At the same time, I'm disgusted to think that he enjoyed what he did with this woman (I have an intense hatred towards this woman right now because of this, my insecurities are manifesting into hatred for her). I'm also finding myself not being able to trust him now, whereas before I had no problems trusting what he told me. I don't think he'll cheat on me, or that he's hanging out in bars trying to pick up women when he's not with me, but I have a "trust" thing going on that I can't quite put my finger on. I am seeing a therapist and we are working on my obsessive thoughts (I continue to think about what he did in the past and how he enjoyed it and how I can't measure up).
How do you trust someone again? I feel betrayed but really am not sure why... all of this happened before I even met him, over 6 years ago. Thanks for any advice, I feel like I'm stuck at a roadblock that I can't find a way around.