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  • My girlfriend scares me in bed

    I had no idea what I was getting into when I dated this girl but i fell in love with her. she meets every need I could ever have and we get along great. having said that, her sexual needs could be a bit more than i can handle.

    she likes to be dominated in bed. I'm happy to deliver but it gets worse. its not just that domination where the man throws her on the bed, rips her clothes off and makes sweet love to her. No, she asks me to choke her, to slap her, to bite her so hard that she cries, she tells me to curse at her, call her every bad name in the book. the only thing thats missing is gunfire. I'm afraid the next time we do it, its going to look like a crime scene in there. why do woman want to be dominated? what ever happened to womans lib? I had such high hopes for that. oh, the other scary thing is that she has been raped three times in her life and has been very messed up emotionally from it. why would she want me to basically pretend rape her? I swear it would be easier just to be gay. Nah, I coulnd't do that, this is way better. any help please.

  • #2
    Re: My girlfriend scares me in bed

    Raped THREE times you say? Uhm all I'm going to say is be careful that you don't leave any marks or torn clothing... Next thing ya know she'll be saying (or reporting) that she was raped FOUR times and have proof.

    If you plan on keeping her satisfyed and from getting bored with you... may I suggest you attend some BDSM informational sessions that may be being held near you. Google it.. I'm sure you'll come up with something.
    "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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    • #3
      Re: My girlfriend scares me in bed

      no not at all. actually she showed me all of the police reports from when they happened. one was actually alcohol related and she drank too much, passed out, and woke up in a lot of pain. she wouldn't do really.

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      • #4
        Re: My girlfriend scares me in bed

        Well, I'm glad you trust her, but just how long have you know her and dated her. Just keep it in mind that if you piss her off she'll be showing the next dude the report she filed on you. Have any of these three rape charges ever gone to trial?

        Who gets raped THREE times? What the hell is going on. How the hell is she putting herself in that position not once, but THREE bloody times?

        I'm sorry to sound so unsympathetic but I just find it implausable that someone could have that happen to her on three separate occassions. Not to someone who isn't in prison or in the sex trade in some capacity.

        Sorry!
        "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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        • #5
          Re: My girlfriend scares me in bed

          Has she ever had counselling or therapy for her past? Do you both ever speak in depth about her past?
          It may not solve or change things immediately, but it might give you some insight into her sexual mentality and why she might desire some of these things. I can't help but want to say take into account what phasesofthemoon said. If it was a different guy each time and they were isolated incidents, it does strike as a little suspicious. But yes, I would really suggest therapy if she hasn't had it already.

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          • #6
            Re: My girlfriend scares me in bed

            Have you talked to her about your discomfort with doing these things? What does she say?

            Are these things you do together something that is actually similar to her real-life rape-scenarios. I ask the latter because, personally, I've "suffered" sexual abuse and I enjoy a controlled roleplay rape fantasy, complete with slapping and name calling, but the person who sexually abused me wasn't physically abusive or called me names so it bears no resemblance at all.

            Is she able to get aroused without these things?

            And here's why I think you need to talk to her about it in detail... What I did notice about the rape fantasies was that for a while the domination bit became a bit of a sexual crutch and a shortcut. For a while there that was all we did, and it allowed me to have sex without having to be comfortable with my body and being touched in ways that would otherwise trigger uncomfortable memories.

            And I don't have a whole lot of baggage (there were basically two ways I did not want to be touched, neither of which happens accidentally during sex), I'm just a master at escaping dealing with my own thoughts.

            Originally posted by phasesofthemoon View Post
            Who gets raped THREE times? What the hell is going on. How the hell is she putting herself in that position not once, but THREE bloody times?
            Let's stop before we all get on that blame-the-victim rape-apologist train you're driving, shall we?

            Rape is not violent back-alley assault by a stranger that happens because women should be more careful because obviously they will attract rapists if they're tipsy, alone and sexy.

            Rape is lack of consent. Pure and simple. Though most legislation in the west requires some kind of penetration not all do. Some law codes require the threat of violence, others do not. Some law codes require the woman to be awake to say no (otherwise it's sexual assault), others do not.

            Who puts herself in a position where she gets raped "THREE bloody times"?

            Well, back when I was dating my ex our law code only saw his behaviour as sexual assault, but it has since been upgraded to rape. I put myself in a position where I got raped (if we are allowed to use that term retrospectively - personally, I prefer not to, but for the sake of arguing against disgusting rape-apology, then I will) plenty more than "THREE bloody times".

            How hard is it to get raped "THREE bloody times"? Well, you marry an asshole, or you go on dates with three of them, or you go on a date with one asshole, have too much to drink while you have a cold at a party where you know everyone, and you have a long-term relationship with a third asshole.

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            • #7
              Re: My girlfriend scares me in bed

              Yeah, I have one friend who has been raped 36 times over the course of 10 years (and those are just the ones with enough evidence to lead to conviction...which they hardly hand out lightly). It's very easy to get raped three times, I've heard many accounts of women being raped more times and by more men than that within ONE evening. Some people (probably far more than you'd expect) are just that unlucky, and there are a lot of places in a world a hell of a lot less safe than where you are. Even within my state, which is generally very safe, there are communities where rape is highly frequent.

              Anyway, in terms of the OP, you don't need to analyse her or fix her. However, there's no good reason why you should do things that make you uncomfortable. She needs to respect your boundaries but it's hard for her to do that when she has no idea about your discomfort. You need to communicate with her about it.

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              • #8
                Re: My girlfriend scares me in bed

                Briff... where the hell do you live?

                Deidre: I'm not attempting to drive any such train. I just find it incredulous that that could happen to someone that many times. Briff's post shocks the hell out of me.

                I read awhile back about a woman who connected with a guy on an online dating site and they both agreed to her fantasy of him coming to her home and doing very much what Op's girlfriend enjoys. Including ripping off her clothes and being very rough with her.

                When it was over she charged him with rape. That's why I asked Op just how long they've dated and how well he actually knew her.

                Other than that: I know the definition of "rape."

                Barring any underhandedness here.. I gave him my advice on how to get in sync with her fetish.

                Personally. If I got drunk at a bar and got raped. I'd not put myself in that scenerio again. Just sayin.
                Last edited by phasesofthemoon; November 10th, 2010, 10:08 AM.
                "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: My girlfriend scares me in bed

                  First of all, I'm really sorry that you're going through this. It sucks to care deeply about someone who doesn't know how to be treated well, in bed or otherwise. But I think you need to look out for yourself in this situation and getting your sexual needs met goes both ways. It doesn't sound like she's meeting your sexual needs when it comes to real intimacy and emotional fulfillment.

                  I hope this doesn't upset you too much, but in my estimation it sounds like your girlfriend was molested at a really young age & now her sexuality is linked to trauma. Unfortunately, the more nicely you treat her, the more she will act against your interests while secretly hoping she can push you to real violence. You're absolutely right when you mention a crime scene. Eventually this girl is going to push you to victimize her in a violent way & then she will call the cops and you will go to jail.
                  Strongly suggest that you do not try to have anything resembling a stable, committed relationship with this girl. She's not capable of it, and she'll hate you for trying.

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                  • #10
                    Re: My girlfriend scares me in bed

                    Hi wow, i just had to give my 2 cents also.

                    My mother was raped 3 times too, and the reason was because YES she was putting herself into the same situation. you ever hear about woman who marry awful abusive men and when they finally get the courage to leave, they dont date a nicer man, they go for the same guy, over and over? its exactly the same as that.

                    My mother was molested as a child she counts that as rape.
                    it fucked her up and she started hanging with the bad ass guys who were "so cooL" and put her self into situation of rape #2, doing drugs or drinking and being forced. but did she learn? no. then she married a man who beat the s*** out of her every time he drank. (my bio dad) who raped her, to have sex. She didnt think of it as rape because she was married to him. just like many girls who "date a guy, and get raped and then the guys says that she was leading him on. They might think the same.

                    constantly repeating history because she never learned from it. Then when my biological father told her that he was going to rape me when i turned 16 she left him. It was only until she hit rock bottom... was when she finally learned.

                    was it her fault? well i dont think so but that is for you to decide. she became a social worker after, to help other woman who cant get out of this situation. Telling me that your husband can rape you is something a social-worker would say. she believes it now, but didn't before, and so do I.

                    People do weird things to deal with stress.. some people drink, some people do drugs, some people beat their wives. lots of people do unhealthy things as a way of cooping with a hard life... they never learned the skills. I say be EXTREMELY thankful if you do not understand, be extremely thankful your parents taught you healthy ways of dealing with stress.

                    otherwise about the BDSM thing, if you want to check it out, look into it. Find out more, see if you like it. but always know that she only wants this in bed, because she is in control, there are things she will let you do and wants you to do, and things she would never let you do. I think, its like going back in time to where she had no control, but this time controlling it.
                    just my opinion.
                    NEVER do any of it outside the bedroom..
                    Last edited by Vlena; November 10th, 2010, 10:59 PM. Reason: sad a bad word :< beeped it out :D

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                    • #11
                      Re: My girlfriend scares me in bed

                      oh no, trust me. she meets all of my sexual needs, even some I didn't know I had. we're all good in that department. I was just a little worried that I was feeding into something much deeper than just sex with her. I just wanted to figure out the psych of all of this so I dont do anything thats going to damage her any further. Yes she was touched as a child and thats really sad. just to clarify, the first time she was raped was when she was 11 and that was by her drunk uncle, the second time was when she was 14 and that was by a stranger in a park, the third time was when she was 20 and thats because she drank to much at a house party, passed out, and woke up with her pants off in a lot of pain. I'm a strong man, I have no problem telling her what makes me uneasy. but for the time being I actually dont mind indulging her.

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                      • #12
                        Somebody

                        Somebody wrinklesclustered in the braving, just as the bound with mountains and rivers, equal zoning. "Real wonderful, that face is like a group with Moluogepi out." An Suchlike being self-preoccupied, uncle retributory passed by the window succeeding. An Like foundsays: "Uncle, ample start!" "Fit, worthy salutation!" An Suchlike uncle asked: "My uncle, the old man?" "Him? It is watered every forenoon to rearmost my garden.

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                        • #13
                          Re: Somebody

                          Originally posted by mnop606 View Post
                          Somebody wrinklesclustered in the braving, just as the bound with mountains and rivers, equal zoning. "Real wonderful, that face is like a group with Moluogepi out." An Suchlike being self-preoccupied, uncle retributory passed by the window succeeding. An Like foundsays: "Uncle, ample start!" "Fit, worthy salutation!" An Suchlike uncle asked: "My uncle, the old man?" "Him? It is watered every forenoon to rearmost my garden.
                          If we were all fonts, this guy would be wingdings.
                          %0|%0

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                          • #14
                            Re: Somebody

                            Originally posted by mnop606 View Post
                            Somebody wrinklesclustered in the braving, just as the bound with mountains and rivers, equal zoning. "Real wonderful, that face is like a group with Moluogepi out." An Suchlike being self-preoccupied, uncle retributory passed by the window succeeding. An Like foundsays: "Uncle, ample start!" "Fit, worthy salutation!" An Suchlike uncle asked: "My uncle, the old man?" "Him? It is watered every forenoon to rearmost my garden.
                            This is the greatest post I've ever read.


                            I'm off to work but I'll be back to leave my thoughts on this thread.

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