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So babe, why are you so frigid?

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  • So babe, why are you so frigid?

    With my girl, its not always as simple as asking why the sex drive is so low. I don't know why it's not simple, but often she plays the whole "is that all you think about?" card.

    Let me start by saying no sex, is NOT a dealbreaker for me, so no advice of "leave her". It's just a nice compliment to a great relationship I have. As I may have posted before, I'd rather be celibate with her then screwing random strangers, or in an unfullfiling sexual relationship.

    Background: I'm 27, she 24, we've been together over 5 years. I work an office job, she works in the animal industry, quite often frantic and busy/physical. We both still live at home and aren't the type to randomly go for a drive to screw, so our only opportunity is around bedtime, morning or night.
    If we stay at her place, theres slim to nil chance of anything happening sexually, at my place, chances are there, she just doesn't allow me to take them.

    She resists any physical advances (such as me trying to caress her or kiss the back of her neck), and says no to any verbal advances.

    I believe the lack of sexual intimacy is what leads me to groping her in her sleep (usually just boobs, she notices if I try to go south), to try and plug the sexual void that has become our relationship of late.

    As with the living at home and work schedules (she sometimes works late and live close to work), I don't see her weeknights more than a handful of times a year, so realistically I get one chance a week to get physical (usually its one night at mine, one night at hers). If her period is light and starts near the weekend, that often rules out the following weekend too, as she doesn't like having sex while menstruating. She also dislikes oral (the whole concept of penis->mouth contact really) and she finds when pre-cum/cum gets on her hands quite disgusting, and even hates when she gets wet herself and can't wait to dry/clean after sex.

    Me: I (used to?) suffer quite badly with premature ejaculation, which I feel has contributed to her low sex drive, coupled with her busy work draining her, seems to kill her desire to want to. I say used to, because I can last quite long with masturbation now days, 19 minutes the other day.

    We're building a house which should be completed early next year, so I reckon about April we'll be moving in, and she's said before that more will happen when we move out "just don't expect it every night", which is fine, I don't. I'd be satisfied with a regular fortnightly thing. I know she's not getting it on the side or masturbating, she just has a low libido. Don't doubt me on this point, I know my girl, and will gladly eat my words if I'm wrong, but I'm not. I'm not worried about her commitment to me because it's a joint mortgage and thats not something you enter with someone you're not happy with.

    The reason for this rant is it's early Saturday morning, Friday night/this morning being my chance for this week, meaning another week has passed me by as she's staying with friends tonight at a sleepover.

    My best chance is to "suck it up princess" and hold out until we move out, I've lasted this long, and as I said this isn't a deal breaker to me (and never will be). Just frustrating.

    In conclusion, if you can draw a question out of this rant, feel free to answer it.

    Please try and be gentle with the advice, I'm not looking for a slap to the face with reality, I know the reality, and I'm happy to settle, just looking for anything I can do which may assist my situation.
    Last edited by Oversharedude; October 15th, 2010, 04:08 PM. Reason: Added a little and fixed some spelling/grammar... it IS 7am afterall...
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  • #2
    Re: So babe, why are you so frigid?

    Okay, with the fancy opera gloves then...

    If she is quick to jump to the conclusion that sex is all you think about if you so much as mention it, is it possible that her "low sex drive" is to some (great?) degree affected by her defensiveness? Here's what I'm suggesting: she fears being objectified or has some other issue with your male sexuality and when you show desire for her, those fears/issues come to mind -- thus, as soon as you start what she perceives as the same old song and dance (e.g. you touch or look at her in a certain way) she tenses up and puts up the shields... and with the shields up that touch or look isn't going to make her feel sexy, even if she tries to. If she's willing to talk to you about how you can make her feel more at ease this is workable.

    Optimistic option number two is that she sees you as a friend and partner more than a sexual object. It's not wholly uncommon in serious relationships, and we hear about it all the time with men who get married and suddenly aren't really sexually attracted to their wives because they are wives and mothers, two roles they have desexualised. "She doesn't see you as someone she wants to have sex with" might not sound like an optimistic option, but it is... because this part can change and you can stop acting like friends and platonic confidants, whereas if she's just plain asexual then that's not likely to change.

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    • #3
      Re: So babe, why are you so frigid?

      I was in a fairly similar situation maaaaaany years ago.

      The girl I was with would say similar things, like "Is that all you ever think about? We had sex last week!" and I'd say "I think it's more like three weeks ago" and she'd say "Oh, maybe. Still, it's not nice to be treated like a piece of meat". And that was pretty much how it always went.

      It didn't start off like that. Things were okay for a few weeks in the beginning, but quickly she started coming up with excuses as to why she didn't feel comfortable - usually to do with location or who else was around. So I thought that after we got a place together things would be looking up - I couldn't have been more wrong. The frequency decreased even further. She got more vocal about me being some kind of sex maniac. She stopped undressing in front of me because she didn't like that I enjoyed it. A couple of times when we were intimate she'd have me get her off and then she'd just go to sleep without even touching me.

      I wish I could say I found some way to improve things, but I didn't, and it did become a deal-breaker for me. I thought "There's no way the next time I'm having sex is gonna be when you decide you want a kid". Eventually, I stopped making any advances, and resigned myself to my fate.

      After a long time without any sexual contact at all... I dunno, it might have been six months, it might have been a year, she asked me "Why don't we have sex anymore?" and I just looked at her and said "Are you fucking kidding me?" and I guess that's when I really knew it was over. I'd stopped wanting her too.

      I think that type of thing is probably more to do with some kind of psychological issue rather than just a natural 'low drive'... but what do I know?

      The cold hard fact is that you're not pushing her buttons (and I mean in general, not on the rare occasions you actually get down to business). And that has applied to me a number of times. Girls sometimes get in relationships with guys they want to be attracted to... that they think they should be attracted to, but aren't.

      Things just haven't settled to the right dynamic. As I've said in other threads over the course of this year, I think that's usually due to the girl getting what she wants too easily and not viewing the guy as the sort of confident guy who gets what he wants when it comes to women. A guy who rolls over and forgets about his needs simply isn't attractive in that way, as much as the girl might want a nice stable and reliable man around.

      It's difficult enough to change that kind of thing around as soon as it starts happening, let alone after a few years - at that point trying to change it will probably create such upheaval that it'll end the relationship.

      So I don't really know what to say, other than if you'd rather be celibate with her than have a sexual relationship with anyone else, then you'd better make your peace with it and be content with spanking the monkey. Just don't get bitter about it.

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      • #4
        Re: So babe, why are you so frigid?

        Great post, Fusion. May I emphasize:
        So I don't really know what to say, other than if you'd rather be celibate with her than have a sexual relationship with anyone else, then you'd better make your peace with it and be content with spanking the monkey. Just don't get bitter about it.
        Further, I'd like to comment on this:
        I'd rather be celibate with her then screwing random strangers, or in an unfullfiling sexual relationship.
        The alternatives are not limited to screwing random strangers or an unfulfilling sexual relationship. It is possible to have both, you just have to be willing to take a chance and look. What is stopping you from being just friends and the both of you looking for someone else?

        Either way, you said that's not an option, so just don't get bitter about it. Cause it sounds like you're potentially headed in that direction.

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        • #5
          Re: So babe, why are you so frigid?

          Do you get any physical contact at all? I mean, intimate contact is pretty normal between me and mine, despite the fact that months (once, nearly a year) often go by before we actually have sex. I've learned to be ok with that because I like it when he caresses the back of my neck, and I enjoy touching him as well, even if it doesn't go anywhere. It's the affection I want, after all.

          Could you try this? Get her used to the idea that you touch her because you care about her and like touching her and making her feel good in a non-sexual way, and not because you want sex? That would probably help ease any possible fears on her part about being objectified, if that is the case.

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          • #6
            Re: So babe, why are you so frigid?

            Originally posted by Aret View Post
            Do you get any physical contact at all? I mean, intimate contact is pretty normal between me and mine, despite the fact that months (once, nearly a year) often go by before we actually have sex. I've learned to be ok with that because I like it when he caresses the back of my neck, and I enjoy touching him as well, even if it doesn't go anywhere. It's the affection I want, after all.
            I'm not sure she's worried about being objectified and she appreciates the fact that I'm quite tolerant of the lack of sex. The more I think about it, I'm sure its just due to the times where we can, she is usually tired because she's been at work until 8.

            Yes, I do get physical contact. We hug a lot, hold hands, wall asleep "spooning" each night (I'm the big spoon ) and kiss/make out good night.

            I guess I just needed to get it out this morning and thanks to those that have posted so far, thanks for not being too critical.
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            • #7
              Re: So babe, why are you so frigid?

              Although I will likely find myself in this situation myself in a year or so, I think it's a bad idea to buy a house with someone who you've never lived with. Do you KNOW that she'll change when there's more opportunity? nope! And then you'll be stuck in an unfulfilling relationship with a mortgage. Regardless of wanting to stay with her and be celibate, sex IS a very important part of a healthy relationship. Do NOT kid yourself about this.

              Crazy as it may sound, and it'll cost a bit of money, but find a 6-month rental contract and live together for a bit. See if you're actually compatible for MORE than 2 nights a week. Sometimes you can easily tolerate someone in short spurts, but when you're with them in the long-term, you realize that you can't LIVE with them.

              As for current possible help, give her affectionate touching with NO intention of progressing it to sex. Give her a massage after her hard day at work. Kiss her, and then back off. Give her a squeeze, and back off. Get her used to you touching her in pleasant ways, intimate ways, so she doesn't shrink away. When she's used to it, you can try going further once in a while.
              29/female/Toronto
              I'm so cool I've got my OWN SMILEY!!

              English. It's your language. Learn to type it.


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              • #8
                Re: So babe, why are you so frigid?

                Crazy as it may sound, and it'll cost a bit of money, but find a 6-month rental contract and live together for a bit. See if you're actually compatible for MORE than 2 nights a week. Sometimes you can easily tolerate someone in short spurts, but when you're with them in the long-term, you realize that you can't LIVE with them.
                We've had stints of house sitting for like 4 weeks at a time and we co-habitat well, I know not entirely the same as renting, but still house sharing.

                You're right, I don't know she'll change, but it's a chance I'm taking (papers are being signed on Thursday!).

                As for current possible help, give her affectionate touching with NO intention of progressing it to sex.
                I do. Back rubs, scratches, and none of this leads to sex.
                She's not shrinking away, she's not lacking in other affection. Just the intercourse/intimate touching that lacks at times.

                I really do think the fact that we don't live together does hinder the buildup and leadup to it.
                It's really hard to completely bring "strangers" into my relationship and understand the intricacies.

                I guess I was just frustrated this morning when I posted it. I do make passive aggressive comments at times, don't know if it'll help or hinder but yeah, I said this morning "Oh well, always next week".
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                • #9
                  Re: So babe, why are you so frigid?

                  Passive agressive comments to her are NOT a good move. I think that if you want to be with her, you'll just have to accept her low sex drive and your high sex drive. I know you are determined to be with her for the rest of your life. It seems like you have tried everything. From being supportive of her dreams, to building a house together, to respecting her space and doing the things she loves to do. You love her, she loves you, you complete each other in your opinion. So why are you letting this minor non-deal breaking problem get to you as much as it is?

                  It is obviously getting to you if you're making passive aggressive comments on the matter. If she is that way forever, you being passive aggressive about it will only make things worse, I think. There shouldn't be resentment about this, because intimacy and, I would argue, sex, is a fundamental part of being a couple (even if it happens infrequently due to low sex drives.) And sure, it may not happen as much as you want it, but as you have said, being with her means more to you than anything, even if that means being celibate. If you really believe that, try to stop making passive aggressive comments about it, and don't be resentful if sex doesn't happen as often as you want.

                  Its going to sound douchey, but you do just need to suck it up and realize that's how it's going to be. Maybe not forever! Maybe when you move in together things will get more intimate (and I'm not just talking sex). I am REALLY hoping for that! Does she ever make the first move? What do you think she would do if you let her make the first move every so often?
                  "Every action of our lives touches on some chord that will vibrate in eternity" ~ Edwin Hubbel Chapin

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                  • #10
                    Re: So babe, why are you so frigid?

                    Originally posted by OvershareDude View Post
                    We've had stints of house sitting for like 4 weeks at a time...
                    During which you fucked like bunnies, right? Right? Oh, you didn't?

                    Originally posted by OvershareDude View Post
                    You're right, I don't know she'll change, but it's a chance I'm taking (papers are being signed on Thursday!).
                    Yeah, you probably should do it, because otherwise you're always gonna think it might have worked if you'd only taken that step. Then after that you can see if it's really true that you can accept the lack of sex, which will probably be more obvious when you're not clinging to this glimmer of hope that moving in together proper is giving you.

                    And I really hope you buck the trend and moving in together is just what she needed. But I'll be very surprised, especially as your girl has been painting you as overly interested in sex. She'll probably ramp that up, when she's no longer able to use the excuse of not wanting it because someone else is in the building, etc.

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                    • #11
                      Re: So babe, why are you so frigid?

                      Does she ever make the first move?
                      It's not unheard of, but more often it's me. She initiated twice within 12 hours once.
                      During which you fucked like bunnies, right? Right? Oh, you didn't?
                      Not like bunnies, but more often then the chances we get now.
                      Passive agressive comments to her are NOT a good move.
                      *sigh* I know... just slips out sometimes (the words that is, get your mind out of the gutter)
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                      • #12
                        Re: So babe, why are you so frigid?

                        Originally posted by OvershareDude View Post
                        She initiated twice within 12 hours once.
                        How long ago was that?

                        And assuming it was a while ago, how has she gone from that to "Is that all you ever think about?" when you try your weekly seduction attempt?

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                        • #13
                          Re: So babe, why are you so frigid?

                          How long ago was that?
                          Back in May.

                          how has she gone from that to "Is that all you ever think about?" when you try your weekly seduction attempt?
                          Hasn't happened since abotu this time last year from memory.
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                          • #14
                            Re: So babe, why are you so frigid?

                            Am I misunderstanding, or are you saying that she hasn't come out with the "Is that all you think about?" type of thing in about a year? Didn't you start the thread by saying she plays that 'card' often?

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                            • #15
                              Re: So babe, why are you so frigid?

                              well yeh, that is a bit of a contradiction, but we've been together over 5 years, and it WAS often, but I haven't raised the whole dissatifaction with her for quite a while, last time or two, it's been "it'll happen more when we move out".
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