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Clashing of the Sex Drives [Advice Please]

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  • Clashing of the Sex Drives [Advice Please]

    My boyfriend of about a year and a half has a very high sex drive. Whilst I, have little to none. Lately, we have'nt really been intimate. And it's upsetting him greatly. He feels like if i dont sleep with him often enough, that i dont love, or want him. This has been a recurring problem, and frankly, i dont know what i should do. I show love and affection in different ways, and despite him knowing that, he still feels the way he does. Does anyone else have issues like this?

    Little Background Info..

    We've been together since November 2008, but almost half of that time was a Long distance relationship. Recently, he moved back, and we now live together.

  • #2
    Re: Clashing of the Sex Drives [Advice Please]

    I know I don't feel truly loved unless my partner and I are having sex on a regular basis. What constitutes a regular basis is based on many different factors I guess, which is what you two should talk about. Such questions as; How often would I like to ideally have sex? How do I feel when when my partner rejects me in sex? How often do I masturbate because my partner doesn't want sex? How important is sex to this relationship? The last question is probably the most important. If one partner truly isn't happy, then it will affect all other aspects of the relationship.

    I'll let someone more qualified take it from here.
    “What we think or what we know or what we believe is, in the end, of little consequence. The only consequence is what we do.” ~ John Ruskin

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    • #3
      Re: Clashing of the Sex Drives [Advice Please]

      The problem is you don't know anything about each other. LDR's don't count as time alotted for in the relationship schema.

      You have to ask yourself if he's who you want? If he doesn't make you sexually aroused then something, somewhere, is amiss and needs to be talked about.

      Answer a few questions so we can better understand your perspective.

      1. Does he excite you?

      2. Does he provide you with a safety area, emotionally and physically, so you're free to express yourself sexually?

      3. Are you attracted to him in any way other than a warm body?

      4. Do you have an unrealistic expectation of this relationship for your future as a couple?

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      • #4
        Re: Clashing of the Sex Drives [Advice Please]

        1. Does he excite you? Yes

        2. Does he provide you with a safety area, emotionally and physically, so you're free to express yourself sexually? Very much so

        3. Are you attracted to him in any way other than a warm body? Yes.

        4. Do you have an unrealistic expectation of this relationship for your future as a couple? Not at all, i truly believe that he is my one, and that i could marry him when the time arises. I will do everything in my power to keep us together; i love him.

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        • #5
          Re: Clashing of the Sex Drives [Advice Please]

          Maybe this is a case of meeting someone halfway. He wants more, you want less... find a middle ground that you're both okay with. Being in a relationship requires some sacrifices... so maybe you don't have much of a sex drive, but you can please your guy every now and then. At the same time, you don't have to feel pressure to do it all the time just because he wants it - it's a partnership. He should understand that you love him regardless of whether or not you're having sex with him.

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          • #6
            Re: Clashing of the Sex Drives [Advice Please]

            The problem arises when you ask a guy to settle.

            Why should he settle for the same ham sandwich every few days? She says she's attracted to him in verbage but nothing in her actions indicate as much.

            If her sex drive is truly that low then she needs to see a professional and have those issues checked out and dealt with.

            If he feels as if sex is a burden with her he's going to get it from someone, somewhere.

            Believe it.

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            • #7
              Re: Clashing of the Sex Drives [Advice Please]

              Originally posted by Rogue4Rent View Post
              The problem arises when you ask a guy to settle.

              Why should he settle for the same ham sandwich every few days? She says she's attracted to him in verbage but nothing in her actions indicate as much.

              If her sex drive is truly that low then she needs to see a professional and have those issues checked out and dealt with.

              If he feels as if sex is a burden with her he's going to get it from someone, somewhere.

              Believe it.
              As a man, I have to agree with this. If a girl is with me, I expect her to desire sex. Maybe not as frequently as me, but somewhere close to it. If a girl seems like she doesn't desire sex from me, I assume she isn't attracted to me that much, and I even start to have thoughts that she might be cheating. Because as a man, I know that the only way I wouldn't desire sex from my girlfriend, is if I was getting it from somewhere else.
              “What we think or what we know or what we believe is, in the end, of little consequence. The only consequence is what we do.” ~ John Ruskin

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: Clashing of the Sex Drives [Advice Please]

                it's a partnership. He should understand that you love him regardless of whether or not you're having sex with him.
                And.. that there is why so many women wonder why men go elsewhere to get their needs met and why they don't understan how he could do such a thing when you (the general you) loved him so much.. You can't expect a man to think like a woman does.

                OP: If you want your relationship to sustain, you need to either go to your personal physician and investigate why you're libido is next to nil, or you both need to go to couples therapy.

                I think the whole long distance thing was good for YOU because you prolly only had to do it when you saw him once in every blue moon. Now that you're together constantly.. he's missing out on the passionate chick he thought he knew.

                Do something to fix this as soon as possible or you'll lose him emotionally completely and he'll leave or.. he'll stick around until you catch him cheating on you.
                Regular sex is very important to a healthy and long lasting relationship.. at least until the parts don't work anymore anyway.. then you can safely have what you have now.. which is your best female friend only "she" has dangly bits.

                Nas pa?
                "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: Clashing of the Sex Drives [Advice Please]

                  Having no sex drive is not normal. Have you thought about why it is virtually non-existent? Are you taking medications that might lower your drive? Did something happen now or in the past that may have caused it? Have you had this problem before, with anyone else?

                  These are the questions you need to think about and answer before you can find a solution. Or if you have the time and money, maybe see a sex therapist. It might be worth it to save your relationship.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: Clashing of the Sex Drives [Advice Please]

                    Okay, as someone who has had a low sex drive thanks to the pill in the past, I can say that it's not your fault. However, finding a solution to it is. It's not just medication that affects sex drive. Think about it: libido is caused by levels of chemicals in the brain. Not everyone's levels are the same! My boyfriend's are through the roof, and while I find him incredibly attractive in more ways than one, I don't want to jump him all the time. So if you have naturally low balances of hormones, you're going to have to make do with what you have. Keep in mind that stress and big changes in your life can affect you too, even if you don't realize it.

                    Try doing little things every day that make you feel sexy: wearing lace underwear, buying sexy lingerie, etc. etc. Even putting on red lipstick can flip that switch for some women. If you're in the mindset, it's definitely going to affect you outwardly, too. You could also focus on something about your boyfriend that drives you wild, like his hair or his body. The key is knowing what turns you on and making use of it in your relationship. Also, talk to your boyfriend and let him know what's going on in your head- he may have some good ideas too.

                    I'd also like to say this, directed at previous posters: I've been cheated on, just because my ex and I weren't having sex as regularly as he would have liked (which was at least twice a day). A scumbag will cheat to get more sex, but a good guy will stick it out and work with the girl he loves to fix a relationship problem. There's never an excuse for cheating on someone.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: Clashing of the Sex Drives [Advice Please]

                      No, there never is an excuse for cheating on someone.. but THAT'S THE ONE THE GUY WILL USE.
                      "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: Clashing of the Sex Drives [Advice Please]

                        Originally posted by phasesofthemoon View Post
                        No, there never is an excuse for cheating on someone.. but THAT'S THE ONE THE GUY WILL USE.
                        So will she...

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                        • #13
                          Re: Clashing of the Sex Drives [Advice Please]

                          You are correct, sir.
                          Didn't mean to make it sound gender specific.. was just responding to the poster above me.

                          Editing to address post below: I also agree that the excuse would not be excusable.. However; that would be the excuse that would most likely be offered, when sex drives are not compatible.
                          Last edited by phasesofthemoon; April 20th, 2010, 01:29 AM.
                          "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: Clashing of the Sex Drives [Advice Please]

                            No excuse is excusable when you're rooting around in someone else's trashbin.

                            Cheating is too much work anyway.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: Clashing of the Sex Drives [Advice Please]

                              My fiancee too has very low libido. This is mostly the result of having taken the wrong medication in the past (damn doctor!) and a bad experience with a previous asshole boyfriend.
                              Anyway, although I would like more than I am getting, I would NEVER cheat on her! I love her because of who she is, not because of her body. I think some guys just don't get it. In stead of complaining all the time and putting pressure on her, I keep telling and showing her that I love her. This is working wonders. It makes her feel beautiful and loved and as a result she has surprised me many times by initiating at times I would never have expected it! And although she does not initiate love making nearly as much as I do, she almost never says no when I initiate. Guys, make her feel beautiful and show her it is not just about your pleasure and you would be pleasantly surprised!

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