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Can Married Men look at Porn?

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  • Can Married Men look at Porn?

    Can someone come back to me on this I've been married to my husband for 7 years and had no idea that he looked and masturbated over porn for all the time we've been together, he says about once a week (yes I'm probably niave and stupid to not know he did this). I'm not a prude but was quite shocked about it and that he'd never mentioned it to me before or even asked if I was interested. Now I'm not sure what to think, he says he's happy with me and we do have regular sex but I can't help thinking this is not right or why has he hidden it from me? He deletes all the history. Should we both be in on it or he thinks it should be his privicy what do you think? Thanks in advance

  • #2
    Re: Can Married Men look at Porn?

    Well, maybe he wasn't interested in sharing. Not everyone who likes porn likes the idea of watching it with other people. He may feel a little awkward about you knowing what he looks at too, which would explain deleting the history.

    That said, I don't think he was hiding it from you. I mean, there's a difference between not sharing and not hiding. My fiance looks at porn, but I didn't know for sure until I asked him randomly a couple years ago. There's not too many conversations that have the sentence, "I think you should know that I look at porn" in them, after all, hence the reason it took 7 years for you to find out.

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    • #3
      Re: Can Married Men look at Porn?

      Internet porn is today's equivalent to Playboy/Hustler mags and x-rated videos. It's a multi-million dollar business.

      There's nothing wrong with it IMO as long as he's not ignoring you and opting to masturbate to porn more than actually making love with you.

      Everyone masturbates (including you I'm sure) sometimes we just want release without all the fuss.

      Obviously if you've never noticed in the last 7 years, he's not been neglecting you. or, you've been so non-sexual that you've not noticed that your sex life is lacking (I hope that's not the case)
      "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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      • #4
        Re: Can Married Men look at Porn?

        If it isn't interfering with your sex life, then he has a right to keep this to himself. That doesn't mean that you can't ask him if you can look at some with him, but he probably won't want to include you every time.
        relax.... just a little pinprick. There'll be no more, but you may feel a little sick.

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        • #5
          Re: Can Married Men look at Porn?

          Married men can look at porn. Unless they are a politician or CEO, that is.

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          • #6
            Re: Can Married Men look at Porn?

            Okay, from the opening post this would seem to be a question of why males in monogamous heterosexual relationships often have certain private habits when it comes to masturbation. It doesn't seem to be a question regarding the morality of pornography.

            I suspect some of these things I will talk about are similar for women, but I won't attempt to address any differences as I'm really not qualified (due to not being one, and not having spoken to many in much detail at all about this).

            There will also be some differences between my experiences and those of guys who were in different environments when they started maturing sexually. For example, male boarding schools where experimental homosexual experiences are presumably more commonplace.

            Also I have no idea about gay relationships, or about how things differ for gay or bi people while growing up.

            So this is really about what I guess is the way the majority of straight males in the western world develop their habits.

            A guy is probably about eleven years old when he starts noticing sensations in his prick. He's probably had, or will soon be getting, some sex education which briefly mentions masturbation (by the time of my day at least, it was taught that such things were natural and healthy).

            Recently it seems to be changing (with 13 year olds having 'relationships' with each other), but certainly for a long time boys and girls at that age tended to keep their distance. A common thing when I was at school was teasing people that so-and-so liked so-and-so, which was always tremendously embarrassing for whoever was involved. (I'm sure that some kids played 'Doctors and Nurses' with the girl next door, but they were probably in the minority, and usually that would be at an earlier age before full sexual function).

            I'm getting excessively wordy... anyway, my point is that for most boys discovering these things is a personal thing. Many avoid anything that could even approach homosexuality, either from an inbuilt or cultural aversions, so it's not something shared with friends, if it's even ever mentioned. Of course there will be some exceptions, but I'm just trying to give an illustration of the type of journey a man might have taken.

            Is there usually an urge to talk to mommy about it? Generally that is an emphatic NO.

            It's still not at all uncommon for mothers in the 21st century to discourage the practice, frowning on it. I remember speaking to one (sexually promiscuous) mother who had told her son he'd damage his eyesight.

            In my own experience, I was reprimanded once for being suspected of touching myself (actually I was just enjoying the sensation of rolling around with my pajamas pulled down, rather than beating off). The covers were pulled off me and I was humiliated. But I made sure as hell that I was never caught masturbating.

            I doubt most boys talk to their fathers about it either. Fathers generally don't want to talk about it. The boys might think it's childish, disgusting, or that they might be punished, or whatever. And there's the clichéd man thing starting of not talking about feelings and intimate stuff.

            I suppose discussion amongst peers can vary a lot, but in my peer group, at that early age, masturbation was always vehemently denied. That all changed in my later teens, when it became emphatically embraced amongst male peers. It wasn't uncommon to hear “I wanna bone her so bad I knocked six out yesterday while thinking about her” and things like that. But those exchanges were never completely serious or done in any way that might suggest intimacy or vulnerability.

            Religion messes with this stuff even further. I know religious guys in their thirties who claim they've never had a single wank in their lives. They might have had extra-marital affairs, but a wank? Lord no!

            So for my own formative years, and those of many men, that type of thing was an entirely solitary activity. There was certainly no female input. And mostly, guys are used to hiding it.

            When the stuff with females eventually starts happening, it's usually a big deal. And if it goes wrong, it can be very confidence-sapping. Or if the only stuff that happens with females is “Get lost creep!”

            Yes there are guys who do well for themselves, but there are plenty of guys who spend most of their late teens having an annual beat-off to sexual encounter rate of about 300:1 or worse.

            So you come home at the end of yet another fruitless night out on the pull, and you beat off. And your dick never tells you you're ugly or that you don't love it or that you're a loser.

            You have a shit day at work, and you come home, and you beat off. And for a little while it doesn't matter that you have no future and you aren't gonna get laid in the next six months.

            And mostly, you've always been told that girls don't like pornography, that's it's degrading, and that they'll think you're a pervert. And you always worry that your mum will find the stash in the bottom of your wardrobe if you ever get run over by a bus.

            I'm sure lots of guys knew at least one girl who reinforced the idea that porn is unacceptable.


            Fast forward a few years...

            Unless the guy has been shagging every chick in the city who becomes willing after he buys her two drinks, or he's been with his childhood sweetheart for years, then he's been coming home, blocking out the world, and beating his meat, for probably about a decade.

            Some guys use their imagination, some use porn, some use a mix of both... I've even heard that some just joylessly wring its neck in order to relieve their balls. But whatever, it's a habit that is very strongly ingrained.

            Then they get a steady girlfriend. The frequency of that habit drops. But when you involve another person, there's pressure involved, performance anxiety, feelings, arguments, love, insecurity. It's very different. So the habit generally ticks over in the background.

            And pretty much all men in relationships never fully leave private masturbation behind. Perhaps the ones who do are much more likely to have affairs – I don't know about that; just a thought.

            Sometimes it is integrated into a sex life with a partner – watching each other masturbate, watching porn together, etc. That still probably doesn't remove the need for the occasional private session.

            Because it's often not anything to do with sexual frustration. In fact, a guy might have the most sexually fulfilling experience of his life and... what does he do? He doesn't immediately try to recreate it in reality – he gets by himself and beats his dick blue while thinking about it.

            I'm not one for spirituality and things like that, but you might even say it can sort of have meditative qualities.

            It's a root with his younger self. It's stress relief. It can be inspiration. Sometimes some of that can be shared, but usually the solitary aspect is clung to.


            Okay so I've mainly been talking about masturbation here. Why porn?

            Probably some of it is laziness. You don't have to dream up your own stuff; it's just there. It's probably a bit of an over-generalisation, but men's sexuality is usually rather visual. It's a turn-on to see things happening. And also there is a newness that might be missing from his own fantasies (but which in turn, can also kick-start them).

            But then with porn there is an increased risk of the girl being opposed to it. So the viewing of it is even more likely to be kept secret than a weekly solo masturbation session with nothing but what's between his ears for inspiration. Some women are vehemently opposed to porn, and they tend to make their voices heard. Others just feel a bit uncomfortable about it. It might not even occur to a guy that a 'nice' girl would be accepting of it, let alone interested in it (although I think the idea of that is getting more common now).

            And of course, in addition to being uneasy about what your reaction might be, a guy might simply assume that you don't like porn and hide it order to not cause upset. He might assume that you assume he looks at porn, but you don't want to be involved... I think that's a fairly common arrangement.

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            • #7
              Re: Can Married Men look at Porn?

              Originally posted by Pony View Post
              Should we both be in on it or he thinks it should be his privicy what do you think?
              Just realised I didn't really respond to that bit.

              If you come with the attitude "OMG! You've been doing this for years without telling me! I demand to be involved immediately!" then he is not going to be open to that at all.

              That's not sharing; instead you're invading his space, which is important to him (perhaps for reasons something like I outlined above).

              Are you actually interested, or do you just feel left out?

              The best way to handle it is to find out which aspects you'd like to share, and proceed in a way you're both comfortable with.

              That might be finding a scene that you can both get something out of, and seeing how watching that makes you both feel. Maybe things will start happening. Maybe you'll just both feel awkward. But you can take it from there.

              But whatever happens, trying to deny him his alone time will cause him to be defensive, and will cause resentment. It has to be about what you can share rather than taking something away from him if it's going to work.

              He might end up with less need for his solitary time, he might not. But by trying to force him out of it, you will only increase his need for it, if anything.

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              • #8
                Re: Can Married Men look at Porn?

                WOW. Do you want to be my personal shrink - you're great! Do you deal with all problems and worries? Anyway that does make sense and I feel a whole lot better. The whole idea has started to sink in since I found out and I am getting usd to the idea.

                I'm not fat and not ugly and look fairly good to say I've had 3 kids, although I can't help thinking does he think about these younger, prettier, fitter, with perter boobs, fannies that haven't had 3 kids out of them girls while he's having sex with me and would rather be with someone like that.

                Thanks for your time Fusion Cuisine.

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                • #9
                  Re: Can Married Men look at Porn?

                  You're very welcome

                  It's greatly to your credit that you're able to work on overcoming your gut reaction and have a good go at trying to work out what's going on.

                  Obviously, I can't speak about what is in your husband's head when you have sex. I don't know that kind of information about anyone but myself. But assuming I'm not a complete weirdo, perhaps it might be useful if I explain the way I am with that type of thing.

                  I've never compared a girlfriend to someone in a porn film. Never had in inkling of that sort of thought. I think women are actually more prone to that kind of thing (Why isn't my man more like Mr Darcy? )

                  I might think things like "I'd like my girlfriend to wear something like that" or "I'd like to do that with my girlfriend" or I might just watch and not think about anything but what I'm seeing.

                  During sex, I have never thought about a porn star. Things I've seen in some video might be in my head, like I might fantasize my girlfriend is doing them, or whatever, but there is never an image of a specific porn girl in there.

                  Now I have had girlfriends and would have preferred they'd had a different body type, or that they'd lose weight, or something like that. But that was never prompted by watching porn, and I never thought about that while watching porn. It's just that I like certain things.

                  And my current girlfriend... I prefer her body to that of any porn girl - there's no competition. And yet, I still watch porn.

                  With actual porn stars (not some amateur video) I find the idea of me actually being with them completely gross. Sure, some guys say they would like a porn star girlfriend, but that is very, very far from being the majority.

                  Edit:

                  Originally posted by Pony View Post
                  Do you deal with all problems and worries?
                  Unfortunately, I'm just an expert in masturbation Ermm...

                  I certainly don't deal with my own problems and worries hehe.
                  Last edited by Fusion Cuisine; March 28th, 2010, 11:07 PM. Reason: As above.

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                  • #10
                    Re: Can Married Men look at Porn?

                    Fusion Cuisine: that is probably the best breakdown of male masturbation/porn psychology I have ever encountered!!! The whole hiding it business is what bothered me from the beginning with my husband, and I have not been able to get past it. After reading your post, I have a far better understanding of why. I wish I had read this a couple of years ago!! Very informative! Thank you for opening up.
                    Last edited by Looking for Balance; March 29th, 2010, 02:28 PM.

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                    • #11
                      Re: Can Married Men look at Porn?

                      Thanks for that once again Fusion Cuisine, dito Looking for Balance Thank you for opening up. I can't beleive how much better I feel now I've heard a mans perspective of this in detail, it all makes sense and quite obviously men and women do think a lot differently that's why we sometimes don't get each other. When I need any other other masturbation questions answers or advice I'll be coming straight for you. Thanks

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                      • #12
                        Re: Can Married Men look at Porn?

                        Porn is to men as steamy romance novels are to women. That is how I look at it, and I doubt any girls see anything wrong with reading and fantasizing about the men in those novels. So why would I ever see anything wrong with watching porn?

                        And that was a real nice explanation Fushion.
                        “What we think or what we know or what we believe is, in the end, of little consequence. The only consequence is what we do.” ~ John Ruskin

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                        • #13
                          Re: Can Married Men look at Porn?

                          I hate to be the black sheep here, but I watch porn but I want to stop.

                          I'm about to be married in a year and I want my habit to stop. I don't want to watch porn once I'm married, heck i want to stop right now.

                          I guess for me it feels like I'm disrespecting my fiancee. Yes watching it does give me a quick relief, but I feel guilty after it. I think about her and it makes me feel worse.

                          For me, I feel like I'd rather put the lust and effort into my fiancee rather than a person I don't know. I becomes a personal level for me that I'm pleasing myself over someone else opposed to the person I really want to.

                          I guess this is a separate topic, but I just needed to point out that I don't want to look at porn once I'm a married man.
                          Last edited by MrSensitive; April 15th, 2010, 08:44 AM. Reason: Grammar
                          There's a reason why our brain is above our heart.

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                          • #14
                            Re: Can Married Men look at Porn?

                            I'm generalizing so please keep that in mind.

                            Men are more visually stimulated than women. Women are turnd on by the thought and emotional connection which is why pornography for women is fluffed with plot, more colorful set design, and soft music.

                            I can speak from my own perspective where my indoctrination to sexuality was my Old Man throwing my brother and I some Playboy magazines, explaining what was where.

                            It was crude, to be sure, but it was helpful in retrospect that it gave my brother and I a line where the sexes differ.

                            Masturbation while married happens. Either one partner will be doing it or as a couple as mutual exchange. Masturbation to pornography while married would undoubtedly side more with the male than with the woman. Women tend to close their eyes and let their hands and minds drift to another time and another place.

                            With us, we want the release along with the tranferance that it's us as the pounding cock in the porn endlessly banging the hot girl. Women see this as distrustful but it's nothing of the sort. This is our escape into the fantasy.

                            Sometimes I just jerk it out of boredom or to clear my pipes so I can get my days agenda completed. Most guys do this.

                            It's unfortunately a don't ask / don't tell scenario in most relationships, which is sad because it's not something ot be ashamed of or hidden (unless it's an addiction which is a completely different area). Instead, you should appreciate it for what it is and talk about it.

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                            • #15
                              Re: Can Married Men look at Porn?

                              I'm a female, and I enjoy watching porn. It doesn't take over my life, doesn't affect my sex life, etc. I have watched porn with my partners, and most have found it very erotic. I think it's a personal decision as to whether he invites you to join him or not. If I were you I wouldn't pressure him. If you are actually interested in joining him, then that's another story. He might be pleasantly surprised if you want to join him! Watching porn is masturbation with animation. Some people need visual stimulation to be able to successfully climax during masturbation. I have a friend who can read a book, masturbate, climax and never lose her spot on the page

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