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Huge difference in sex drive between me and my wife. What to do now??

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  • Huge difference in sex drive between me and my wife. What to do now??

    First, sorry for such a long post - especially for my first one on this board - but I want to try to paint a clear picture...

    We've had several years now where sex has been an issue for us. We're totally solid in every other aspect of our life together, but this one thing is really starting to seem hopeless. Over the past six years we've been struggling to get on the same page, but it seems like we're really getting farther apart.

    When we first got together, she was pretty wild. Part of what attracted me to her in the first place was that she was so confident with herself, very flirty, and even a little bit exhibitionist. I've always been a super horny guy, but was raised by a single mom and so I grew up being taught to keep that stuff to myself. So I'm pretty passive when it comes to sex, but have always wanted to break out of my shell. My wife seemed like she would be the one to help me.

    After 2 years together, the truth started coming out. She had never actually had an orgasm in her life, ever. She had been faking it the entire time we had been together! I'm embarrassed to admit that I couldn't tell, but I guess I wanted to believe and she was pretty damn convincing. She had never even really masturbated. She didn't see the point. She told me that she never enjoyed sex and that she really only did it to make guys like her and to keep relationships going. She used it as a tool to maintain leverage and nothing more. And at that point she had decided that she wasn't going to do any of these things ever again. No more faking enjoyment and no more having sex only for my sake. While it was a shock, it sounded like a positive direction.

    Now, six years later we are still struggling. She's since admitted that she actually just doesn't really care for sex and that she would be fine if she just had one or two orgasms a year - which she can only achieve on her own with a vibrator. On the other hand, I am crawling out of my skin. I've finally gotten old enough and confident enough to admit my real feelings which are completely opposite of hers. I want to have sex a few times a week. But even more important than the frequency, I want it to be hot! Right now, when it happens it's totally clear that she just wants it to end as soon as possible which totally ruins it for me. I'll want to stop for her sake, but she'll insist that we keep going for mine. It's like she's right back to where she started only now she's not trying to convince me that she's into it anymore.

    She's trying, I know. But to her that means just doing it more often, no matter how awkward it ends up. I keep trying to learn what will turn her on, but it seems to change all the time. One time she'll say I'm being too passive so I step it up and it will work. Then the next time I'll be more aggressive and she'll want me to slow down. Nothing I do ever seems to work more than once and while I'm trying to learn to "read" her so I can give her what she wants, it's hard to do when it's clear that all she really wants is to be doing something else.

    So what do I do now? Maybe I'm just a typical male pig closing in on middle-age, but I really want a great sex life! And I think I deserve to have it. But while I'm thinking about wanting to role play or talk dirty or whatever, she's repulsed by these ideas and is still unenthusiastically rushing through every sexual encounter we have, leaving me feeling both guilty and unsatisfied more often than not.

    Please help! What do you do when you want to have a rock-star sex life and your wife doesn't really want one at all?

  • #2
    Re: Huge difference in sex drive between me and my wife. What to do now??

    Sadly enough, you are not the only person out there with this problem..
    Have you had her looked at medical wise to see if there is something wrong with her?? I am on the opposite end of your wifes prespective on sex though so I might not be much help. My bf thinks I want sex too much...
    Its hard to really say how you can better this when she isnt wanting to TRULY try. Have you tried different areas of the house to spice things up a little bit?
    Is this situation so bad that you would consider leaving her over it?
    Do you happen to know if she is turned on by watching porn? Maybe you could venture that way a little bit...

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    • #3
      Re: Huge difference in sex drive between me and my wife. What to do now??

      Maybe your wife compares herself to those fake azz girls on tv. Do you use any female things to get her turn on? There is a new one out that will send her off like a rocket. May I ask do you c** before she does? Like don't last long? If so, get detain (sp?) for you, it will make you last longer, so you will see the fire works together. It is that some people take longer before their rocket takes off, that doesn't mean they're a dud. This may be what is bothering her, or always seeing these half dress women on tv with their fake azz bodies and dressing like a slut would. Your wife wants and needs to feel sexy for you and from you. Give all of this to her and see what happens.


      Hmm.. how was that for keeping it clean? lol
      Last edited by Mel; July 30th, 2009, 04:28 PM.

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      • #4
        Re: Huge difference in sex drive between me and my wife. What to do now??

        She hasn't been medically evaluated, but did spend a couple of years going to a therapist and I know she spent a fair amount of time talking about this issue there. I'm not really sure that it helped. I can't say that she doesn't want to try. She is certainly making an effort. But what she seems to be trying is to just be willing to have sex more often. In her mind, that's mostly what the issue is about. But to me it's more of that whole "I want you to WANT to do the dishes" sort of thing. I'm glad she's willing to do it more, but I would rather her actually be INTO it more.

        I did introduce her to watching porn and we've had some minor success with that. Interestingly, she is literally grossed out by any scenes with men in them saying that I'm the only guy she wants to see like that. She likes girl-girl stuff though which is fine by me. However, the way it always goes down is a mutual masturbation session until she c*** using her vibrator and then she just wants me to get it over with as fast as I can after that. When I suggested that we could actually intentionally drag it out for a while or even go more than once in an evening she thought it was ridiculous. "Isn't the whole point to have an orgasm?" was her response. I can't get her to understand that it's not only about the destination. And the idea that it's fun to make a night of it just doesn't compute for her. To the question, what really turns you on? Her response was, "when you take out the trash without me asking." Maybe she's just incapable of enjoying a purely sexual experience. Everything is about the emotional for her.

        There's no way I can see divorcing over this. She's my best friend and we really have a great thing going in every other way. But I also can't see settling for unsatisfying sex for the rest of my life either. I'll do anything to make this work for her and I really have tried all sorts of things. Hell, here I am asking for advice and opinions from total strangers! But I have needs too. Because I'm the man, does that mean I just have to take whatever I can get?

        For the first time in my life, I think I understand why people cheat.

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        • #5
          Re: Huge difference in sex drive between me and my wife. What to do now??

          "For the first time in my life, I think I understand why people cheat."

          Yeah sometimes that is the final straw for somebody if they arent getting what they feel they deserve in that dept. Im suprised she is so ready to get sex over with. I love that feeling when you spend an hour, if not more, just enjoying each other. I honestly cant imagine it any other way.
          Im not so sure how this is going to work for you but maybe you could let her know that if you arent going to get it from her than you might just need to find it somewhere else.
          I cant wrap my head around a woman not wanting pleasure. Its the most amazing feeling!!
          I agree that your relationship might be perfect in every other area but sex can make or break a marriage...
          Eventually if not now, you will either cheat like you said or leave her for good cuz you need to be satisfied too!

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: Huge difference in sex drive between me and my wife. What to do now??

            I really don't want to go there. I've never cheated on anyone in my life and it seems crazy to even think about it now considering how invested I am in this relationship. We've had a couple of arguments about sex where she said she would rather I went out and got what I needed from someone else than leave her, but it's obvious that she doesn't mean that. Still, wouldn't it be better than ending up in divorce court?

            I'd far rather figure out a way to awaken her sexual side. But maybe that's just not possible. She started having sex young (around 14 or 15) and used it for all the wrong reasons until we were married. Maybe the damage is just already done? But how do I explain the first couple of years we were together? I mean, a few times she was a downright freak! It was amazing. And I can't even imagine her being anything like that now. Could that really have just been the usual honeymoon period?

            Besides the obvious wine her, dine her, romance her, tell her how much I love her, how beautiful she is (I've done all of that and will continue), are there any more suggestions for how to get her to loosen up?

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            • #7
              Re: Huge difference in sex drive between me and my wife. What to do now??

              Well...from a woman who had some problems in that area...when you try and try and try and there's only one thing that "does it" for you - you get discouraged to the point where it IS easier to just not have sex to avoid the disappointment because you feel like a broken thing, damaged goods.

              Does she ever allow you to try to stimulate her to orgasm or does she ALWAYS default to the vibrator? It sounds like she has an unhealthy view of what sex is in general in addition to what it means between spouses.

              Additionally, many women simply don't get that guys have a literal physical need to have some form of sex every few days. Women tend to do it for a connection. If the building of that connection was damaged due to how she viewed herself as a sexual being and how she viewed intimacy (it's purpose and meaning), then a lot has to be undone in her mind. She may not even realize how those past things have functioned to create the current outlook she has.

              I'm going to PM you a link to a website she may find helpful - *if* she wants to get ideas for how she can help correct some of the thinking she has towards sex in general as well as the intimacy it fosters.
              Surviving hostile forum trolls since 1999 :-)

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              • #8
                Re: Huge difference in sex drive between me and my wife. What to do now??

                I think you're definitely on target regarding her unhealthy view of herself as a sexual being. Like I said, she used to be super flirty and exhibitionist. Now, she gets angry if a guy even looks at her sideways and she's very cautious about the clothes she wears not being too revealing.

                No, she will not let me try to bring her to orgasm. She lets me stimulate her, but only for short bursts of time before she gets weirded out and asks me to stop. Now I hesitate to even try because I know she doesn't like it.

                I'll pass the link on to her and take a look at it myself.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: Huge difference in sex drive between me and my wife. What to do now??

                  Link is already sent to you PM box. Check it there.

                  Now, she gets angry if a guy even looks at her sideways and she's very cautious about the clothes she wears not being too revealing.
                  There's not a real problem with the fact that she's being cautious about her clothes. I mean, do you really want her dressing in a provocative manner and allowing other men to ogle her? I dress very conservatively because I don't want other men to see me as eye candy. Don't get me wrong, I'm not frumpy, but I feel no reason to expose my cleavage or to wear things that cling to my curves. I have one man who I want to please and I dress nicely for him so that I look put-together for everyone else, but he alone gets the sexy side. Just because she doesn't want guys staring at her doesn't mean she can't still be a wild girl privately for you.

                  A sex therapist visit - BOTH of you in attendance - may also be an idea. She's had this dramatic shift in her personality for a reason. She needs to discover why and face it. And not even for your good but for her own.
                  Surviving hostile forum trolls since 1999 :-)

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: Huge difference in sex drive between me and my wife. What to do now??

                    Maybe she has a problem with the porn. Do you watch it a lot? If so, maybe she feels she is second best because you like watching other girls.

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                    • #11
                      Re: Huge difference in sex drive between me and my wife. What to do now??

                      Well, we had quite a long talk about all of this last night and I'm feeling a little bit better about the direction we're heading. I was shocked to learn that for the past couple of weeks, she's been watching porn alone and masturbating almost every day. Apparently she read that simply having more orgasms (no matter how she gets there) will increase her desire. She says she thinks it's working because in the past, she would basically have to talk herself into doing it with the sole purpose being to figure out what feels good so that she could try to teach it to me. Now, she says that she's finding the mood just striking her and she's not hesitating. That seems very promising to me since my feeling has been that she simply didn't have any desire in the first place. I seem to have been stuck seeing that piece of the puzzle as not having been improved when in reality there has been some significant progress that I've just not been made aware of - or I've been too wound up in my own viewpoint to see it. I guess after so many years of this being a problem, it just can't be improved fast enough for me.

                      So it appears that we're at least a little farther along than I realized and now it's more about both of us being better about initiating sex and making it more comfortable and fun once we do. We've both been hesitating to initiate because of fears that it will turn out awkward and just add another statistic to a long line of awkward encounters, but we've agreed to try to just forget about that and go for it more - especially me since she says she feels like she always has to initiate. I've been working on the assumption that she's usually not interested and didn't want to push too hard. Apparently, I actually need to push a little harder. It's a balancing act I hope I can figure out.

                      Anyway, we'll see how it goes this weekend. I'm sure after the long conversation last night that we'll both be looking to make something happen. She told me that I need to be able to "read her mind" once things get started because she doesn't want to have to tell me to do or not do anything. She says that ruins the mod for her. That sounds like a tough order to fill, but I guess all I can do is try.

                      I'm so glad I found this forum so I can at least bounce some of this off of other people - especially other women. I don't have any friends or family that I can talk to about this so the only one I've been speaking to is my wife. It's nice to get some outside, objective advice. So thank you so much for all of your input! I have a feeling I'll be on these boards often now that I've found them.

                      So, any advice on mind reading?

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                      • #12
                        Re: Huge difference in sex drive between me and my wife. What to do now??

                        Yay!! Im so excited that something has come of this for both or your sakes. Sex is amazing and its even more amazing when you can express that love to one another.
                        Advice on the mind reading... the only thing i can really think of would be when you kiss, hug or touch her... see how she reacts. If its a quick brief thing, then let it be. If she seems to pull you in longer then thats your go ahead to make something happen. Start to touch her and make her feel that feeling. Keep her yearning for that feeling so that when you do start to have sex, she will want to continue on you to finally release herself.
                        I wish you luck hun!!

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                        • #13
                          Re: Huge difference in sex drive between me and my wife. What to do now??

                          Don't mind read. Ask her to do her thing and put your hands over hers...that way you can sense what she's doing instead of just hit and miss.

                          She has to meet you halfway - you're no mindreader. To believe you can "read her mind" is to end up making you both feel like sexual failures.

                          She knows what makes her feel good. She needs to communicate that to you through allowing you to do it with her or through talking. She could simply TELL you what turns her on, makes her engines rev-up....sometimes talking about it is just as arousing...
                          Surviving hostile forum trolls since 1999 :-)

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                          • #14
                            Re: Huge difference in sex drive between me and my wife. What to do now??

                            Take one finger and place it to the side of her pee thing, down beside it (trying not to be nasty talking here) and move your finger in a small circle motion very slowly. If that's not the spot, move a little bit more but do the same in that spot with your finger. Ask her which side repond more to it (left or right side of her pee thing) and then do that side more. If you hit the spot, you will now, because she will jump.

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                            • #15
                              Re: Huge difference in sex drive between me and my wife. What to do now??

                              Originally posted by Mel View Post
                              Take one finger and place it to the side of her pee thing, down beside it (trying not to be nasty talking here) and move your finger in a small circle motion very slowly. If that's not the spot, move a little bit more but do the same in that spot with your finger. Ask her which side repond more to it (left or right side of her pee thing) and then do that side more. If you hit the spot, you will now, because she will jump.
                              Sounds like your working on a car.

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