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  • No sexual desire

    I'm not if anyone can help me, but I am at my wits end. My girlfriend and I have been together for a touch over 5years and have had quite an active sex life. That was until 3 years ago.

    My partner moved in with me and my parents whilst we saved for our first home, during this period my girlfriend started suffering from vaginismus which progressively got worse to the point where intercourse was impossible.

    After sitting on numerous waiting lists for 2 years and becommingly increasingly frustrated on numerous fronts

    1). I started to doubt our relationship, as my girlfriend did not want to/could not have penetrative intercourse.

    2). My partners hesitation to do anything about the issue, hoping it'd go away.

    3). My girlfriends inability to satisfy my sexual needs.

    Now, I know my girlfriend is not intentionaly doing any of this as it is a psychological condition, and we have started to gain penetrative intercourse, but what concerns me is my partners complete lack of libido. I don't expect sex on demand but I would love to be more physical and would very much love for her to initiate sex. It always seems to be me forcing the issue when she reluctantly 'gives in'. She lies on her back and it is a struggle to achieve anything.

    I really don't know what else I can do. I know I have to talk to her, but I always end up hurting her feelings and making her cry.

    We are going back to the psycho-sexual councillor and want to bring the subject up then, but the counsillor very much sides with my partner (one the whole I agree with her stance), but I feel that she is not getting the whole picture and leaves me wondering if I am starting to suffer in silence.

    I love my girlfriend very much, she is intelligent, pretty, funny, and will do anything to keep her, but I don't know how more I can take.

    We've just gone away for the weekend and hoped a change of scenery would kickstart something but nothing happened.

    I'm starting to losey mind over this and I'm not an emotional man, but could easily burst into tears - I'm welling up as I'm tying this.

    Has anyone had the same kind of experience and came out the other side with a happy relationship? What did you do to overcome it?

    Help, please!
    Last edited by Bhx_uk; July 6th, 2009, 04:45 AM.

  • #2
    Re: No sexual desire

    Well, if you're stressing her out - it's going to make the condition worse.

    She's probably scared to go to a doctor. It's quite a personal issue. However, it is necessary for her to seek medical care. If she's sexually active, she should be going to a gynocologist once a year anyway for a check-up. At those check-ups, the doctor would be assured to find out about her condition and start suggesting ways to help (some of which are not comfortable to do, but need to be done in order to help get around that mental block she has).

    With this medical/psychological issue, I understand why you may feel shortchanged, but expecting it to flip off like a light switch and for her to initiate sex when the idea probably scares her or expecting her to live up to your level of desire is a bit selfish. It's not like she's not "into it" - it probably terrifies her.

    Ex. For 4 months straight I had a UTI infection. It would "clear" then I'd be intimate with my husband and get another one. Back on antibiotics for me on top of severe, constant pain. And repeat...By the time I was cleared the last time, I was terrified of sex because EVERY TIME we did something, I ended up in pain for several days in a row.

    Her condition is much worse than a Urinary Tract Infection as she will mentally connect every act of intimacy with the pain of her condition.

    I think you should talk to her seriously about seeing her doctor and a counselor over the issue. Offer to go with her and hold her hand through the process (even if you have done that already). Rather than focusing on how your sexual needs aren't getting met - and yes, it has been a LONG TIME for you as well - focus on getting her back to a level of health where she can again enjoy the act. In short, perhaps stop trying to get her to be involved with penetrative intercourse and put the focus on trying to convince her to seek treatment.

    We have a member on the board who had/has the condition. She'll probably be on soon and can give you information about how your girlfriend may actually be feeling mentally and give you better insight.
    Surviving hostile forum trolls since 1999 :-)

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    • #3
      Re: No sexual desire

      Thanks for your input. It is very well received.

      Although it may help if I clarify a few details. We have been seeing a psychosexual counsillor since September last year, we have reached the point where they are unable to provide us with anymore techniques. They have been successful and it was a painful process.

      Prior to our counsilling we visited a number of medical establishments, the gp has referred us to a gynaecologist (there was nothing untoward). Another dr told her to get drunk (and this was from a dr!!) she has been prescribed Diazepam as a placebo, which have little effect, and we don't want to be dependant on them.

      All through this process I have been with her, holding her hand.I have been suportive of her I really have.

      I just don't know what else I can do. I hope it comes across that the last thing I want to do is cause her more anguish. However, at the moment I am not happy, and i'd be extremely surprised if she was.

      The crux of this isn't pressurising anyone, I just want us both to be happy and find a way forwards.

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