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  • Deciding to commit

    Hey guys.

    So I've been in a relationship for almost a year. She's great, as is everything in the relationship.

    We're both 28 y/o. Currently we do not live together, but I'm thinking that we're nearing the stage where we would like to.

    I'm not interested in renting, as I've done this already, so we'd be looking to buy a house together.

    Now, I'd never buy a house with someone if I wasn't sure that we were going to try and make a go of it long term. And that's my question really: how do you know/decide when someone is the one you'd like to commit to?

    I understand some people would say things like ''you just know'' and fuzzy feelings and all that. I'm sure I'll never have that feeling - I've always been quite a logical person and never tend to follow my emotions anyway.

    When I think about it, I can imagine a future with her. She ticks all the boxes of the things that are important to me. I guess I'm just trying to work out how to go about deciding to spend your life with someone. It's exciting but also daunting!

    I realise this quite a vague question, but I know many of you are married etc, so any advice would help.

    Cheers!

    Reg
    Just because someone's by your side, it doesn't mean they're on your side.

  • #2
    I understand your concern, buying a house with someone is a huge commitment, one that is not easy to go back on once its done. But it sounds like its all going really well for you. You have to go with what you feel is right and if she is everything you want and she is the one you envisage your life with then I'd say go for it. On the other hand, if you don't feel quite ready you don't need to rush. After all, a year isn't really that long. Go with what your heart and wish you the best of luck and a wonderful future together
    I say it as I see it. Don't take it personally!

    Comment


    • #3
      Thanks Dazed.


      Originally posted by Dazed & Confused View Post
      After all, a year isn't really that long
      You're absolutely right. I should of clarified in OP that I'm not looking to buy a house immediately, probably over the course of the next year or so.

      Just because someone's by your side, it doesn't mean they're on your side.

      Comment


      • #4
        I wouldn't do it, Reg. You haven't even lived together yet, and I think it would be a mistake to make that kind of huge financial commitment to someone. You can always put her name on the mortgage down the road if you think it's a forever thing.

        Also, make sure you discuss how you're going to split the expenses before you allow one suitcase of hers to darken your threshold.
        "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by SarahLancaster View Post
          Also, make sure you discuss how you're going to split the expenses before you allow one suitcase of hers to darken your threshold.
          Yes, many discussions to be had before any of this takes place.

          I guess my question really was more along the lines of.... how do you decide if somebody is 'the one' ?!
          Just because someone's by your side, it doesn't mean they're on your side.

          Comment


          • #6
            Finances and a person's financial situation usually comes out naturally over the course of some time. It's the getting there that's a little confusing at first. Buying a first home requires a significant down payment and depending on the terms of your mortgage. I'd suss out the housing market first and get a feel of different areas/neighbourhoods that fit your budget. First time homebuyers may also cash in on types of FT homebuyer programs- start looking into these and talking to a mortgage advisor (these are different from ordinary financial advisors at a bank but FAs can point you in the right direction). Even though you may have all your cards in hand regarding your partner and a lifetime of prospective happiness, the housing market might not be best for buyers at the time you both are ready to buy. It's not beyond your means to start getting a feel of the market right now and start looking at the market trends. Once you have your nest egg (downpayment) and all your research in place, then think about whether your partner is up to the same task. People change over time, leave room for this.

            I'd say 2-3 years is normally the period when partners get to know each others' finances a bit more intimately and more naturally. You may be looking at appliances together or buying electronics together or paying your taxes and it comes out naturally. You may even help each other buy furniture for your respective (separate) homes while dating and find out one of you can't pay cash and need to finance smaller purchases. You may also find out one or both of you don't have access to credit or have additional liabilities(ie student loans or revolving credit/lines of credit) that need to be paid off first. Give yourselves time to get to know each other and experience fun times together. Test and see whether you both have the character or are willing to help each other out. Don't jump the gun with shared homeownership at once.

            This is also the time when you get to know each other and what your income is like and job stability. It's important you don't invest in a home with someone without a regular source of dependable income as this affects your qualifications for a mortgage and you'll be on the hook making payments if your partner is out of a job. There is just no way to know how stable someone's income is until you get to know them as a person and get to know their career goals and how they make decisions during the course of their career or in their personal life. Try to be cautious and if you have questions or hesitations or a general unknowns, it's better to wait to get to know each other first. Hope this helps.

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by whatshappeningreg View Post

              Yes, many discussions to be had before any of this takes place.

              I guess my question really was more along the lines of.... how do you decide if somebody is 'the one' ?!
              Pardon - I saw this a bit later.
              I think it has to do with time and feeling comfortable. I'd say the critical points to take away from my paragraphs above in #6 are 'character' and 'willingness' to help/work as a team. You'll know when it's right. It's generally not a good idea to commit to any shared investments with payments that you can't afford to foot yourself in case of illness or some other emergency. Most people don't have the luxury to do this and do depend on their partners to make their share of payments. This is where character comes in. Make sure you can safely depend on your partner in the event of the relationship falling apart and you both have an innate ability to tie up loose ends or make other arrangements in the event the relationship ends. A couple doesn't need to jump into homeownership or even living together(renting together) to gauge the character and (financial) willingness to help. Take it one step at a time. As you begin to develop greater attachment to each other, you'll naturally want to make purchases, go on vacations, buy gifts for family and friends and do other things together. It's a good time to figure out then whether you're both on the same page or able to work together. Experience more together, travel together also and see what this person is like in unfamiliar territory. Not everyone handles stress or unfamiliar terrain the same way. Not everyone has the same health concerns or need to take time off work. Try and anticipate what your life is like with this person before making any big moves. You won't know the answers to everything but there will be a point where you'll know enough to take that risk.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by whatshappeningreg View Post

                Yes, many discussions to be had before any of this takes place.

                I guess my question really was more along the lines of.... how do you decide if somebody is 'the one' ?!
                Ha!! If only one had the formula for figuring THAT one out.

                There's no fool-proof way of knowing for sure. So many of us were madly in love with our spouses when we married, only to grow apart in the years that follow. The heart is the most fickle organ. It can love madly one day and have complete indifference the next.

                I think the reason we tell people here to wait before you move in and wait before you make a commitment is that we understand how changeable humans can be. You've been with her a year. Maybe she's the one or maybe she's not. Are you willing to risk everything you have at this point? Because if it doesn't work out, she gets half the house.
                "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by whatshappeningreg View Post

                  Yes, many discussions to be had before any of this takes place.

                  I guess my question really was more along the lines of.... how do you decide if somebody is 'the one' ?!
                  whatshappeningreg First of all, don't rush into buying a home together just yet. Wait until you know she is "thee one." If you're not married and buy a house together with both of your names on the deed or note, should your relationship go awry, you'll have a boat load of legal headaches. Why place yourself in an unnecessary hot mess if you can avoid it? Haste makes waste. Postpone purchasing a home together especially if you're not married! Consult a real estate attorney regarding this for your best legal answer.

                  I've been happily married for a long time so I think I can vouch what to look for in "thee one." I'd say the #1 trait to observe is character. However, you have to be very careful. There are seemingly normal-looking people out there who are charming, very flattering, pretentious, phony and fake as hell as a veneer to their so-called good character. Whether men or women, those are the ones who hide their true selves the best so beware of sociopath types. Tell tell signs are those who are over zealous with their compliments, turn on their old country charm, over enthusiastic with their hospitality, go overboard with their generosity and kindness and abnormally kind. Those traits are alarming and there are strings attached to those types of relationships or friendships. There are ulterior motives. Those types are wolves in sheep's clothing. Or, they're only nice to you when they want to be and they'll show their true nasty colors to you after you're entrapped like a lamb sent to slaughter.

                  If the person (woman or man) doesn't possess the above paragraph's personality, then you can move onto observe if the rest of your boxes are checked off one by one.

                  Usually a person who hails from a stable background, normal, non-dysfunctional, loving, nurturing family tends to be the same such as empathetic, normal, even keeled and predictable. If they're raised properly, they tend to be normal and good, naturally.

                  If they come from a chaotic, weird, mentally and / or physically abusive background, they're mentally messed up and will give you a lifetime of grief and misery. Most, not all but most is bad enough!

                  If you have shared faith (religion), beliefs and values, all the better.

                  I know there are success stories out there but I've found that if a person comes from a painful family life, brokenness, abuse and a messed up background, they don't know what they can't give in a relationship. Those types of relationships / marriages are challenging because the person or persons bring a lot of baggage, pasts which haunt them and often times, unfortunately, they end in breakup and / or divorce.

                  Regarding character, observe if the person is well-liked and well-respected by many. If they have difficult, not easy to get along with personalities, not particularly well-liked, tend to speak inappropriately, rude and moody, those are red flags and should give you pause to reconsider.

                  Health habits and general health are another. If they don't care about their health, you'll either end up taking care of them due to their failing health or they'll be a drag because they're sickly while you're healthy and on-the-go.

                  You'll know when the person is "thee one" if they put your needs before their own. If they're considerate and selfless, they're "thee one." If they're selfish, manipulative, play mind games, engage in gaslighting you, masters at deflecting and possess a complicated, complex personality, they're a tricky, sneaky lot which you need to avoid like the plague. Those are abnormal types! They're so screwed up!

                  The types who are "thee one" are easy to get along with, compatible, easy going, fair, reasonable, logical and perceptive. They make daily living easy as opposed to being your 'project.'

                  "Thee one" is a person who is genuinely, sincerely, consistently kind, thoughtful, helps you with everything without a fight, an easy conversationalist (w/o interrupting you), poised, possesses aplomb, grace, compassion and understanding. Check all those boxes! You don't want anyone who is hyper, high strung nor loud and obnoxious. Be with a calm, graceful, self-confident, independent person who has high self esteem.

                  Finances do matter. No one wants a life of financial hardship and struggle. Be with a person who can have a comfortable standard with you.

                  It's quite basic. "Thee one" is a person who is very respectful of others, very moral, considerate, well-mannered, kind, thoughtful, has common courtesy and sincerely good to the core. It's a tall order but if you can check all of these boxes, then he or she is definitely "thee one" and a real keeper. All the good ones are snatched up early!

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by whatshappeningreg View Post
                    Hey guys.

                    So I've been in a relationship for almost a year. She's great, as is everything in the relationship.

                    We're both 28 y/o. Currently we do not live together, but I'm thinking that we're nearing the stage where we would like to.

                    I'm not interested in renting, as I've done this already, so we'd be looking to buy a house together.

                    Now, I'd never buy a house with someone if I wasn't sure that we were going to try and make a go of it long term. And that's my question really: how do you know/decide when someone is the one you'd like to commit to?

                    I understand some people would say things like ''you just know'' and fuzzy feelings and all that. I'm sure I'll never have that feeling - I've always been quite a logical person and never tend to follow my emotions anyway.

                    When I think about it, I can imagine a future with her. She ticks all the boxes of the things that are important to me. I guess I'm just trying to work out how to go about deciding to spend your life with someone. It's exciting but also daunting!

                    I realise this quite a vague question, but I know many of you are married etc, so any advice would help.

                    Cheers!

                    Reg
                    You are not interested in renting, thatís fine. So buy a house. If that means having a lodger so itís affordable then so be it.
                    Or if it means buying with a trusted family member or friend , then so be it.

                    But do NOT buy with her please???!

                    You are not interested in renting as you said but thatís not because you want to live with your gf (even if you do for other reasons) , itís because of finances, instability, a desire, whatever.

                    Living together is is a convenience , not a commitment.
                    That convenience manifests itself in many ways.
                    A desire to be together more often , a financial convenience etc

                    Would you be willing to commit to marriage at this stage?
                    If not , then donít commit financially.

                    You can live together where both of you buy a property each, live in one and rent the other, without financial ties should you split.

                    Reg, you have been here long enough to know this is not a good idea!!!

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by chanelle View Post
                      If they're raised properly, they tend to be normal and good, naturally.

                      If you have shared faith (religion), beliefs and values, all the better.

                      Regarding character, observe if the person is well-liked and well-respected by many....

                      Health habits and general health are another....

                      You'll know when the person is "thee one" if they put your needs before their own. If they're considerate and selfless...

                      The types who are "thee one" are easy to get along with, compatible, easy going, fair, reasonable, logical and perceptive. They make daily living easy as opposed to being your 'project.'

                      "Thee one" is a person who is genuinely, sincerely, consistently kind, thoughtful, helps you with everything without a fight, an easy conversationalist (w/o interrupting you), poised, possesses aplomb, grace, compassion and understanding. Check all those boxes!

                      Finances do matter. No one wants a life of financial hardship and struggle. Be with a person who can have a comfortable standard with you.

                      It's quite basic. "Thee one" is a person who is very respectful of others, very moral, considerate, well-mannered, kind, thoughtful, has common courtesy and sincerely good to the core.
                      Thanks for your thoughts Chanelle.

                      She complies to all of the things you have mentioned above, so I guess that's good news!
                      Just because someone's by your side, it doesn't mean they're on your side.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Maggiemay4791 View Post
                        Would you be willing to commit to marriage at this stage?
                        If not , then don't commit financially.
                        I think perhaps I have misled everyone in this thread (my bad!). I'm not thinking of buying a house with her straight away. It would be next year at the very earliest.

                        But to answer your question, no I would not marry her at this stage. I think maybe I have a bit of a backwards logic on this, but in my mind it makes way more sense to 'trial the commitment' first with something like buying a house, before getting married. Surely it's even more of a mess if you get married first and later break up following all of the problems that living together with someone can cause?

                        i think that's the norm nowadays. Certainly all of my friends (late 20s) have all moved in and bought houses together prior to getting married. I don't know anyone that's got married first.



                        Originally posted by Maggiemay4791 View Post
                        Reg, you have been here long enough to know this is not a good idea!!!
                        Haha yes, which why I thought I'd dip into the wisdom here whilst I still can!


                        Thanks Maggie
                        Just because someone's by your side, it doesn't mean they're on your side.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          I have to agree with what's been said by the others.
                          You say you want to try out the committment first before thinking of marriage. That's fair, but co-owning a house ties you together in almost every legal way, same as marriage. Renting seems to be a more logical first step. It's really not about when you're planning on buying the house. Be it right now or 2 years away. If your logic is: test the waters before big committments, then rent first.

                          I've personally experienced what it's like to have to make arrangements with an ex who owns half your house. Married or not, it's a struggle and you can only hope that it can be handled with logic and fairness. But more often that not, the emotions cut into the ability to think straight and people end up in a huge mess.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by whatshappeningreg View Post

                            I think perhaps I have misled everyone in this thread (my bad!). I'm not thinking of buying a house with her straight away. It would be next year at the very earliest.

                            But to answer your question, no I would not marry her at this stage. I think maybe I have a bit of a backwards logic on this, but in my mind it makes way more sense to 'trial the commitment' first with something like buying a house, before getting married. Surely it's even more of a mess if you get married first and later break up following all of the problems that living together with someone can cause?

                            i think that's the norm nowadays. Certainly all of my friends (late 20s) have all moved in and bought houses together prior to getting married. I don't know anyone that's got married first.





                            Haha yes, which why I thought I'd dip into the wisdom here whilst I still can!


                            Thanks Maggie
                            I am with you on trialling the commitment first but I donít think it should be a financial commitment?
                            And if you arenít thinking of buying until next year anyway then why not rent with her for a year? I mean you both likely will be renting for another year , so why not together before joining finances?

                            So, you canít really say itís about not wanting to rent? You actually ARE wanting to rent for another year.

                            I donít believe itís much more of a mess if you break up after marriage.
                            Yes you have to wait a year before divorce , but divorces and break ups are generally complicated by finances.
                            You will still need a good lawyer if you co own a property!

                            If you rent and split up , the only messy finances are who gets the washing machine you both paid for?
                            My advice is rent, keep finances seperate. You buy the washing machine , she buys the fridge.
                            If you split itís straightforward who parts with what.

                            Trust me I have been there after 4 years of renting with someone!
                            Last edited by Maggiemay4791; March 6th, 2019, 05:42 AM.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              My ex and I bought a house together before we were married, we lived together fine for 4 1/2 years before it fell apart (we had been together 5 though, and I was 28 when we moved out)

                              My fiancee moved in about 18 months ago because her parents were moving away, but we were looking to a future together, and it's been great (although this time I already owned the house, she just contributes to the expenses + half the monthly mortgage payment)
                              PLEASE use PARAGRAPHS when you post, weíre more likely to read your post.
                              For more information on paragraphs please press your enter key whilst typing a post.

                              They're = They are (eg, They're not wearing any clothes!)
                              Their = Possessive (eg, Check out their boobies!)
                              There = locality (eg There is a naked chick in the water)
                              Your = Possessive (eg I can see your boobies through that wet t-shirt)
                              You're = You are (eg You're getting dressed? Damn...)

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