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Having a child with 47yo woman

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  • Having a child with 47yo woman

    I've met a woman that i like a lot. I think we have a lot in common and we get along very well. We've been together about 4 months.
    But there is a huge issue - she wants to have a child. She understands that it's unlikely, but she wants to give it a try.
    My problem is that i'm not sure i want to have a child in my 40s (i'm 41, she would be 46-47 when giving birth). Also, knowing this woman, i'm not sure she has enough energy to raise a child. She has sleeping problems, back problems, generally low-energy and high sensitivity. As someone who has 9yo child, i know how much effort it takes, but she does not have a child, so i think she's been naive when she claims that she can do it.

    Additionally, we did not even live together. How can i commit to having a child with someone without living with them first? What if we don't get along when seeing each other everyday? The problem, once again, is that she does not have much time..

    What should i do? She said that unless i agree to try having a child, we cannot be together.
    Last edited by Menelaus; February 25th, 2019, 12:01 PM.

  • #2
    I really don't recommend this. Never have a child if you don't really want one. You've only been dating for 4 months, that's nowhere near enough time to know each other properly, let alone have a child together. You don't even live together so no it's definitely not a good idea. Ironically, there was a 46-47 yr old woman who made a post on here a few months ago about desperately wanting a child. She said she got pregnant by her ex who did not want any children and left her so she had an abortion. She also said she had back problems. Then she was asking about younger men possibly wanting children. It was clear she no regard for any potential fathers. She was just looking for a sperm doner.
    Last edited by Dazed & Confused; February 25th, 2019, 12:50 PM.
    I say it as I see it. Don't take it personally!

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    • #3
      Originally posted by Dazed & Confused View Post
      ...46-47 yr old woman.... She also said she had back problems. Then she was asking about younger men possibly wanting children. It was clear she no regard for any potential fathers. She was just looking for a sperm doner.
      I'm not surprised she too had back problems. I have back problems in my 41 years of age. That's one of the reasons why people have children at younger age - they are stronger and healthier.
      As for being sperm donor - i kind of feel bad for her because she really wants to be a mother, and i feel bad depriving her of this hope.

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      • #4
        You've been with someone for 4 months who claims she wants a baby with you. On top of that you already have a 9 year old.
        This shouldn't even be up for discussion and your red flags should be screaming.

        I'd really suggest you look for counselling sessions and stop dating altogether(do some soul searching). You're either extremely starved of a healthy relationship (or on a rebound/not thinking clearly) or you are in desperate need of counselling for severe lack of self esteem for any number of reasons. Don't engage with this woman again or see her again.

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        • #5
          Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post
          I'd really suggest you look for counselling sessions and stop dating altogether(do some soul searching). You're either extremely starved of a healthy relationship (or on a rebound/not thinking clearly) or you are in desperate need of counselling for severe lack of self esteem for any number of reasons. Don't engage with this woman again or see her again.
          We went to counselling together. The therapist (mother of 3), said that it's easier for me to adjust to having child than for her to give up the hope of being a mother..
          You might be right, i am starved of healthy relationship, but it seems that we connect very well with this woman.

          Would 1 year of living together be sufficient to decide having a child together?

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          • #6
            Originally posted by Menelaus View Post

            We went to counselling together. The therapist (mother of 3), said that it's easier for me to adjust to having child than for her to give up the hope of being a mother..
            You might be right, i am starved of healthy relationship, but it seems that we connect very well with this woman.

            Would 1 year of living together be sufficient to decide having a child together?
            You're not getting it. Don't give her a child out of pitty. That's no reason to have a child. A year is still very little time to really know a person. Also I really think your gf is the same woman that posted here. In which case Rose is right, steer clear if the only she wants you is to get her pregnant. Wake up.
            I say it as I see it. Don't take it personally!

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            • #7
              Let's say we stick with what this "therapist" has suggested and you cater to this random woman you've been dating with for only 4 months. You both have a baby. She has issues you can't seem to reconcile and you have a child(another human being who is dependent on you) from a previous relationship. Does this make sense to you?

              What is at the root of all of this?
              I'm asking you, OP, if you know the answer to your insecurities and I'm also hoping you'll evaluate or look deeper in to why you feel you have to compensate for your losses or flaws by bringing a child into this world. You seem to have a very skewed gentleman's complex and feel the need to save her sensibilities and feelings but at an immeasurable cost to yourself in a situation that is half-baked. Do you believe it will solve all your problems or do you believe this is the way a woman will be committed to you?

              I am also asking you to question your partner a bit more thoroughly and you may not find any answers from her.
              You may have to read between the lines and come to your own conclusions about why she so badly desires bringing a child into the world at the age of 47. What is she trying to compensate for? And at what cost to this hypothetical child and either of you? Surely both of you as adults have more to live for or look forward to in life than bringing a baby into the world in your 40s. I'm not overtly condemning this idea especially if you have the means to do this and are both confident in each other. I am not in the business of cutting people down for their aspirations and goals and I think with some calculated moves, most things in life are possible dependent on situation and attitude. Your situation though seems very precarious for all the unknowns involved.
              Last edited by Rose Mosse; February 25th, 2019, 05:24 PM.

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              • #8
                Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post
                I am also asking you to question your partner a bit more thoroughly and you may not find any answers from her.
                You may have to read between the lines and come to your own conclusions about why she so badly desires bringing a child into the world at the age of 47. What is she trying to compensate for? And at what cost to this hypothetical child and either of you?
                Thanks for the detailed reply.
                Isn't it "natural" for a woman to want to become a mother, especially if she wasn't able to do it until now?
                Of course, waiting longer and getting to know each other more would be great, but her age does not leave too much time.

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                • #9
                  It's a very risky age for her to have a child. When the child is 10 years she will be almost 60. I have a mother this age and I'm in my late 30s. Think about it realistically. You don't really want to have a child, you just want to do it out of pitty for her. A child should be conceived by parents who really want it and will really love it. Not by parents who don't really know each other. Don't have a child in doubt.

                  Be practical here, she does not have the energy for a baby, neither do you. She doesn't care about you enough because she has already expressed her disinterest in you if you don't give her a baby. This is not a woman you want to be stuck with down the line. I have a very strong feeling that once she gets what she wants you will become obsolete and pushed out. You will be stuck with the child support payments only.
                  Last edited by Dazed & Confused; February 26th, 2019, 04:50 AM.
                  I say it as I see it. Don't take it personally!

                  Comment


                  • #10

                    Menelaus You've only been together for 4 months which is nothing. Both of you are practically strangers.

                    You're 41, have a 9 yr old child and she'll be 47 by the time she's a mother of your child? Ridiculous. She has sleeping problems, back problems, low energy and high sensitivity. She's not physically nor mentally fit for motherhood not to mention, she's menopausal or peri -menopausal. Also, think of the financial cost to raise a child for several decades while both of you will be in your 60s and 70s.

                    Both of you don't live together. Both of you aren't married. It's unfair to bring a child into the world when his / her parents are terribly ill-prepared and irresponsible. This whole idea is so messed up.

                    What should you do? Splash cold water on your face, wake up, take a cold shower and knock some sense into your brain!

                    Since she gave you an ultimatum. Don't be together, bid her farewell and be with a woman who is practical, reasonable and realistic.

                    You can do better.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      The woman you are dating is essentially a fool.

                      She has had opportunity to have a child before now.
                      One option being using a sperm donor which is relatively inexpensive. Itís not IVF.
                      But it seems to me like she only wants a child within a relationship, basically she wants a traditional family and not to be a single mum.

                      But having a child to someone she barely knows is high risk to becoming a single mum and not only that but becoming a single mum to a child with potential birth defects / Down syndrome etc etc because of her age.

                      Are YOU willing to raise a child with disabilities because even if you split , itís 50:50 YOUR responsibility AND medical costs.

                      Because she is so willing to give you an ultimatum after only 20 weeks of dating , try for a baby or leave , suggests her desire for a baby is stronger than her desire to have a relationship with you.
                      How does that make you feel?
                      She is settling for any man that will simply fill a role.

                      And that is the very reason she now finds herself single and childless.
                      Everyother man she gave the same ultimatum to in such a short time bolted and for good reason.

                      She brought this on herself , so stop feeling sorry for her.

                      Let her go, let her be single again and make the same mistake again with another.
                      Itís her problem not yours.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by chanelle View Post
                        What should you do? Splash cold water on your face, wake up, take a cold shower and knock some sense into your brain!

                        Since she gave you an ultimatum. Don't be together, bid her farewell and be with a woman who is practical, reasonable and realistic.

                        You can do better.
                        Thanks!

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Maggiemay4791 View Post
                          But it seems to me like she only wants a child within a relationship, basically she wants a traditional family and not to be a single mum.
                          ...
                          But having a child to someone she barely knows is high risk to becoming a single mum and not only that but becoming a single mum to a child with potential birth defects / Down syndrome etc etc because of her age.

                          Are YOU willing to raise a child with disabilities because even if you split , itís 50:50 YOUR responsibility AND medical costs.
                          We have discussed medical risks. There are pre-natal tests with near 100% accuracy of detecting Down syndrome.
                          And you are absolutely right, she explicitly said that she wants a traditional family and not being a single mom like her own mother was.

                          Would a year of dating be sufficient to make such a long-term commitment?
                          Is it necessary to live together before considering a child? If so, how long?

                          Sorry for probably silly-looking questions, but i don't have much dating experience. I was married before but did not date much.
                          Last edited by Menelaus; February 26th, 2019, 10:48 AM. Reason: added detail - pre-natal tests

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                          • #14
                            Originally posted by menelaus View Post

                            we have discussed medical risks. There are pre-natal tests with near 100% accuracy of detecting down syndrome.
                            And you are absolutely right, she explicitly said that she wants a traditional family and not being a single mom like her own mother was.

                            Would a year of dating be sufficient to make such a long-term commitment?
                            Is it necessary to live together before considering a child? If so, how long?

                            Sorry for probably silly-looking questions, but i don't have much dating experience. I was married before but did not date much.
                            no, a year is still nowhere near enough time. Her age and health issurs are major high risks. This increases the risk of complications. These are already very high. Yes you should be living together and have a looong loving relationship before even thinking about having a child. Everything is going against it here but you do not seem to be listening. It is a really bad idea!!
                            I say it as I see it. Don't take it personally!

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Thanks for all replies. I'm hesitant too. This woman combines many qualities i was looking for - educated, accomplished, similar background, sweet. I'm afraid losing all that.
                              Also, it's not that easy to find a woman without kids (me being 41).
                              Last edited by Menelaus; February 26th, 2019, 04:20 PM. Reason: added detail.

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