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  • Unable to leave although I think I should

    We have been together for 10 years, married for 2 years . We didn't live together before getting married and now after two years I find that living with him is just too much.
    He complains all the time about every single thing, he wants things to be the way he wants them to be aka the way his mom would do things or the way he is used to in his family. I tried to adapt and do certain things differently for him but it seems that it's not enough. His family is quiet uptight very strict and have rules about everything, borderline OCD, stay at home mom who did everything for her kids an husband and wouldn't get anything in return. He is critical all the time with a holier than thou attitude, he never helps with the chores only very rarely and he would complain about everything. It is just too much. I clean and cook and work hard and take care of him and when I am sick he doesn't want to hear it. He has no empathy. I have been thinking about leaving but I know that deep down he is a good person an I love him so much. He does a lot of things for me, but he is selfish he was raise in a way that leads to this behavior and does not want to realize that he is not living with his parents anymore and that I am not his mom.
    I feel that the only way for him to learn this is by going through an experience of divorce so maybe in his next marriage he won't repeat the same pattern and learn to actually be in a marriage, in a relationship an not be dependent on the wife, but again I don't want another woman to come and reap the benefits of what I have done for 10 years and of my broken heart. I have been supportive of him pushing him to excel in everything he does but he just is very misogynistic but doesn't realize it. He is like his father he wants his wife to create the perfect environment for him, but I am not his mom and I am not a stay at home wife, I work too. It is really messed up and dysfunctional. I feel angry at his mom for raising a son who would not be ready and equipped for a modern relationship!
    Should I just leave or can this be fixed?

  • #2
    queenmercredi I think you should at least try marriage counseling with your husband. If going that route doesn't work, then you're either stuck with with a misogynistic, very chauvinistic man or get a divorce.

    You mentioned key points such as your husband lacking empathy, his being a 'Mama's Boy,' his father is chauvinistic so he knows of nothing else despite these modern times. His way of thinking is very antiquated and he has an old-fashioned mentality. You are employed yet he treats you as if you're "Little Miss Suzie Homemader" during the 1950s.

    He needs a wake up call and step up as a man. Sometimes it's difficult if not impossible to teach an old dog new tricks. They're set in their ways and it's hard to change the way a man was raised. It's not completely impossible but it is challenging. This is why I recommend professional intervention and not give up right now if you wish to save your marriage.

    If these avenues fail, then you can foresee your future with a stubborn man who refuses to change for the better and for the sake of the marriage.

    Try to fix your marriage professionally and if that doesn't work, then it's time to dissolve the marriage.

    Comment


    • #3
      I'm troubled that he doesn't listen to you. A partner who loves you and is vested in a relationship like this should respect you innately (there should be very little speech or debate about it). You should feel it deep down and that's what makes cultural or generational differences easy to bridge for some couples. There may be a learning curve but at least it curves. This graph isn't curving. I don't feel like this man respects you. Whether you want to hear or it not, it's a two-way street.

      Realizing the differences now, again, that respect should come into play and it should be evidenced in the way you treat each other. If you don't feel there is respect in order to recuperate from these issues, you might want to ask yourself why or, rather, why you've chosen to remain in situation that lacks mutual respect for so long. Don't beat yourself up over it. Just realize it, be fair, acknowledge your own flaws, open up a genuine conversation with him(counselling or not) and see where you want to go from there.

      Comment


      • #4
        As it has been 10 years i think this is beyond fixing. It's a bit strange that you were in a relationship for 8 years without living together then even with the way he is, you still went ahead and married him. Why? i get the impression that you have never properly spoken up for yourself and have allowed him to dictate your life together. Things are not going to get any easier i'm afraid. Unless you pluck up the courage and firmly put your foot down telling him that you will no longer live with the way he treats you, things will not change. If you do put your foot down and he doesn't listen, then its over.
        Last edited by Dazed & Confused; February 22nd, 2019, 05:33 AM.
        I say it as I see it. Don't take it personally!

        Comment


        • #5
          But yet you write this on another’s thread? Seems very contradictory to me?

          “From experience, and having had an abusive and manipulative mother myself, I find that most people who go through similar experiences are rarely going to behave normally in relationships. I have been complaining about my husband but to be honest, the fact that he put up with me and my fits and behavior similar to the one you said that your gf is one of the reasons why I kept trying to improve myself. I think you need to express to her the things that you don't appreciate and not be afraid of her reaction, if she says to you that she will try to change do everything to help her because she might not have enough strength to do that and even if she does but feels that you were not supportive she will be resentful to you because here is the thing. If she is going to change her incentive is going to be you and your relationship and if you don't support her then she will feel like she is doing all of that for nothing and that you don't deserve the effort that she is making. does this make sense?”

          Please explain ?!

          Comment


          • #6
            Maggie makes an intereting point. Here you blame your husband for all the problems and berate him and his mother, yet you admit in another post that you had an abusive mother and your husband is actually the one putting up with YOUR horrendous behavior. You told another user that you behave like his gf did, which means you repeatedly cheat on your husband and treat him like shit. If you are going to post your own thread, at least be honest about everything.
            ​​​​​
            I say it as I see it. Don't take it personally!

            Comment


            • #7
              I’m truly sorry for what you’re going through. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and concerns with us. I can understand that it’s very difficult to handle someone who was raised with OCD and strict rules however have you thought of seeking counseling especially for OCD and for your marriage? Counseling or therapy works through things like this. You and your husband are worthy of fighting for. Have you ever heard that when couples get married both spouses bring to each other their ‘baggage’? That does mean that both bring their wounds from their own families. But that does not mean that no one person should not be unwilling to change. Therapy can help you both try to preserve your marriage and hopefully encourage your husband to rediscover his part of being a husband and a responsible person. I encourage you to be supportive by him while he is in his therapy. Now is the moment to demonstrate how much you love him. Let me tell you that courage couples are those who seek for help outside the marriage. I hope you can restore your marriage. Hope this helps. Sending you hugs. I will keep you in my prayers, my friend.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by amazinggrace4ever View Post
                I’m truly sorry for what you’re going through. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and concerns with us. I can understand that it’s very difficult to handle someone who was raised with OCD and strict rules however have you thought of seeking counseling especially for OCD and for your marriage? Counseling or therapy works through things like this. You and your husband are worthy of fighting for. Have you ever heard that when couples get married both spouses bring to each other their ‘baggage’? That does mean that both bring their wounds from their own families. But that does not mean that no one person should not be unwilling to change. Therapy can help you both try to preserve your marriage and hopefully encourage your husband to rediscover his part of being a husband and a responsible person. I encourage you to be supportive by him while he is in his therapy. Now is the moment to demonstrate how much you love him. Let me tell you that courage couples are those who seek for help outside the marriage. I hope you can restore your marriage. Hope this helps. Sending you hugs. I will keep you in my prayers, my friend.
                amazinggrace4ever Read comments carefully. She has admitted in another thread that her husband is the one that puts up with HER abusive ways, not the other way around. She has admitted to being just like the gf of the op in that thread meaning she is a cheater and is abusive to her husband. Here, she blames him and his mother when it clearly isn't the case.
                I say it as I see it. Don't take it personally!

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by amazinggrace4ever View Post
                  I’m truly sorry for what you’re going through. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and concerns with us. I can understand that it’s very difficult to handle someone who was raised with OCD and strict rules however have you thought of seeking counseling especially for OCD and for your marriage? Counseling or therapy works through things like this. You and your husband are worthy of fighting for. Have you ever heard that when couples get married both spouses bring to each other their ‘baggage’? That does mean that both bring their wounds from their own families. But that does not mean that no one person should not be unwilling to change. Therapy can help you both try to preserve your marriage and hopefully encourage your husband to rediscover his part of being a husband and a responsible person. I encourage you to be supportive by him while he is in his therapy. Now is the moment to demonstrate how much you love him. Let me tell you that courage couples are those who seek for help outside the marriage. I hope you can restore your marriage. Hope this helps. Sending you hugs. I will keep you in my prayers, my friend.
                  Did you just read the initial thread and not the replies?
                  How would you respond to her husband after she said this???

                  “From experience, and having had an abusive and manipulative mother myself, I find that most people who go through similar experiences are rarely going to behave normally in relationships. I have been complaining about my husband but to be honest, the fact that he put up with me and my fits and behavior similar to the one you said that your gf is one of the reasons why I kept trying to improve myself. I think you need to express to her the things that you don't appreciate and not be afraid of her reaction, if she says to you that she will try to change do everything to help her because she might not have enough strength to do that and even if she does but feels that you were not supportive she will be resentful to you because here is the thing. If she is going to change her incentive is going to be you and your relationship and if you don't support her then she will feel like she is doing all of that for nothing and that you don't deserve the effort that she is making. does this make sense?”

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Previous posts showing OP has issues.

                    Post 1: https://www.relationship-forums.com/...s-a-workaholic

                    Post 2: I am always anxious that he might be interested in someone else. That he will like or fall in love with another woman and leave me. We have been together for 10 years. I really feel very anxious and really need help.
                    I say it as I see it. Don't take it personally!

                    Comment

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