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GF doesnt want to talk to me because I didnt arrange a night out on valentines.

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  • GF doesnt want to talk to me because I didnt arrange a night out on valentines.

    Hi, 4 months ago I wrote a post how my partner was always bringing up arguments about me not buying enough for her or taking her out enough.
    She knows I don't earn enough to spend that much on her and most months I am pushing my limits.
    On the weekend she forced me to go shopping with her where she bought her self a new dress which she said she wanted to wear for valentines day.
    On valentines day I got back from work and gave her a bunch of flowers and that was it.
    She says whats the plan...
    As I didn't book anywhere she starts to get upset, which was ok. I just said I didn't know if I'd have time because or work but we can do another day.
    We start talking, then she says something along the lines of why didn't you just call one of the small restaurants and try. So I said well I took you out to the cheap one last year and you were really unhappy because I didn't spend so much, I didn't think that you'd want to go back to a cheap restaurant and I can't afford the expensive ones. Then we have a massive argument. We haven't really spoken since last night, this morning she says shes going out and has been sending me the occasional text message, saying things like, this is the worst valentines day, I accuse her of being ungrateful, I don't say nice things or do nice things for her etc. then she lists all the things shes done for me, says she does more for me etc.
    But I feel I've done as much as I can do and I'm nice to her as much as I can be.
    I dont think I earn enough for the kind of expectations she has but she keeps bringing up money.

  • #2
    She obviously has champagne tastes with your beer pocketbook.

    Flowers should have been plenty. By the way, how did she force you to go shopping? Gun to your head?
    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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    • #3
      You should have taken her out somewhere. You really dropped the ball on this. She obviously wanted to go out, since she bought a dress specifically for Valentine's Day. It didn't have to be something extravagant or expensive. I remember when money was tight in my family, I planned to go dancing for Valentine's Day to a place that was free of charge. Even the refreshments were free of charge. Another year, we went dancing to a place that was only $16 per person, including dinner. Can't beat that price. You should have planned something within your budget, but something special. It's completely doable. Men who don't make much or any effort end up alone and dumped. I suggest you apologize profusely for your lack of effort, and plan something nice (and inexpensive) for this weekend, and ask for a do-over, before she decides she can do better and wants to find someone who puts in more effort into the relationship.

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      • #4
        Since when was Valentineís Day about men giving and women receiving?
        What did she get for you? Why didnít she book a meal?

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        • #5
          This seems like failed communication and failed expectations. I don't think either of you are being generous to each other. By generous I mean kind or cooperative (not necessarily about money). Your story sounds a bit one-sided. You are responsible for the company you choose so take ownership of that and don't blame her for everything. You could be spending a fabulous February with someone more suited to you but you aren't. And if you aren't and think that you should, do something about it.

          As for her and her tantrum, I'd just leave her alone for now. She's feeling insulted and might need time to regain her composure. Normally when people are given some space they do eventually come back down to earth. Don't badger her and don't reply to her text messages. If you feel she is behaving childishly or passive aggressive, do what you have to do so that you are not surrounded by people like this. If she does come back to you wanting to talk openly/genuinely, I'd really encourage you both talk more and communicate more effectively.

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          • #6
            LewisH Some people want to celebrate and do something special for Valentine's Day while some do not. Your girlfriend obviously expects to do something enjoyable with you for this special occasion. You obviously took a hint and it was nice of you to buy flowers for her. I'll give you that. However, given that money is tight for you, perhaps you could've suggested "going dutch" where you pay 1/2 and she pays 1/2 for a nice dinner out albeit not too expensive. Relationships need compromise especially if a shortage of money is a factor. My husband and I went "dutch" while we were dating since it was only fair given that while chivalry is welcome, realistically dining out or other forms of entertainment can add up in one's budget.

            You can still do damage control by making amends. Pack a picnic lunch and have a nice picnic weather permitting. Take a rain check.

            While flowers are nice, flowers die. Most women want something special such as an experience of dining out and I'm not referring to McDonald's or take out pizza box either.

            If money seems to be the chief complaint, then perhaps you should think about being with a woman who has lower or no expectations regarding how you should treat her monetarily. Perhaps both of you are economically unevenly yoked. She prefers a man who is 'Mr. Money Bags' while you're better off with a woman who doesn't place importance on how much money a man spends on her.

            She bought a nice dress for Valentine's Day. When she was shopping for the dress and since you accompanied her for this errand, you should've spoken up right then and there instead of leaving yourself vulnerable to her ire later. You messed up big time buster. When she was shopping for her dress, you should've said that you couldn't afford to take her out for fine dining. Instead, you were silent, she bought the dress anticipating you knew what she wanted and then later, your folly backfired sorely. Think about it. You had your chance to speak up yet you screwed up.

            Since your girlfriend loves traditional celebrations such as Valentine's Day, you could've thought of something more budget friendly. How about you cooking a nice dinner for her and dine in? Put candles on the table, give her a smaller, less expensive bouquet or no flowers would've been fine had you cooked a nice meal for her and set the table as if you cared. And, perhaps rented a movie to watch at home together? A bowl of popcorn is cheap. I remember my husband cooked a nice meal for me long ago and I felt so grateful for his good heart. His intentions and effort were quite sincere.

            Think about what you're doing or not doing with a woman's preferences. If you think you're out of her league monetarily or otherwise, exit the relationship and be with a woman who is more suitable to your personality and preferences.

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            • #7
              I feel inclined to comment that this woman is also fully autonomous and she made the decision to buy a dress. If she was so money minded, she would have been more calculated about her frivolous purchase and initiated a proper conversation with the OP about going out beforehand. I find her behaviour both naive and negligent on her part.

              I agree the OP did allow the situation to build up and did not address the previous year's issues or establish (together) with his girlfriend what was acceptable for this Vday beforehand. He is also naive and negligent on his part.

              Like I said above, I do think more care and consideration is required by both parties. Better communication is needed and I think both of them need to be more honest about what makes them happy in the long run.

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              • #8
                LewisH Either reach a compromise with your girlfriend after having a long, at length conversation with her preferably in person or be with a woman who doesn't anticipate nor expect monetary treatment. Also, if you feel that your relationship is lopsided where the woman (your girlfriend in this case) does more for you than you do for her regarding compliments, doing things for you, giving you things, spending money on you, caring for you, then this is a problem. She wouldn't complain if there was nothing to complain about in the first place. If feelings are not mutual and you're not doing your fair share, she won't be happy and neither will you. Your relationship is unbalanced and sooner or later the woman will feel that she's taken for granted. It's not a matter of only feeling unappreciated. It's a matter of her doing all the giving and you're doing all the taking. This is the same for any and all relationships regardless of gender whether it's family, relatives, in-laws, friendships or girlfriend-boyfriend relationships. Relationships need cooperation, coordinated, concerted effort, thoughtfulness, consideration, kindness and monetary balance otherwise it is doomed for failure.

                Every woman is different. Some women love special occasions whereas others couldn't care less. You can relate better if you're with a woman who has your preferences and budget.

                For a lot of women, "Love doesn't pay the rent."

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                • #9
                  Hm...I'm more of the mind that if a woman has something to complain about, she might as well fix it more constructively than complaining in the first place. Throwing childish tantrums doesn't seem to help the matter. The OP is clearly irritated by her behaviour and lack of pragmatism. I'm having some difficulty with some of the language you used, Chanelle (not picking on you but just musing out loud). There was a mention about feeling taken forgranted which conjures a strong shift towards powerlessness and helplessness. I strongly disagree that any woman should take that stance but I suppose it's inevitable that some will. If she is feeling so badly she, like her boyfriend, has every ability to end the relationship and walk away without behaving so poorly or making demands that are unrealistic. Do you see what I mean? It goes both ways. Two people, both responsible. Both should be taking initiatives and in positions of power, neither should be reverting to helplessness.

                  Money is replaceable as are objects. Money can also be negotiated, split, saved, invested, enjoyed. I'm not sure what your last comment about women and love paying rent (I do know that little quip) but I find it very peculiar that you've singled out women and implied at the same time that money is important for a lot of women. I don't think you're wrong (I do agree money has some importance) but equally, I also believe women, again, should be in positions of power and controlling their money regardless of any input from a partner or what their partner chooses to do on Vday for them.
                  Last edited by Rose Mosse; February 16th, 2019, 01:39 AM.

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                  • #10
                    Mary I disagree with your suggestion that he should apologise profusely. For what? As you say for not making an effort? What effort did she make? She bought a dress for herself , he bought her flowers.
                    So, basically she got a dress AND flowers. What did he get?

                    Roses I agree that this is a communication issue and Chanelle , I agree that when she bought the dress to wear on Valentineís Day , that the OP should have spoke up and said something like ďI canít afford a night out where that dress would be worn to , how about we cook a nice dinner together and watch a movie, if you love the dress buy it and we will go out another night when we both can afford to?Ē But again that boils down to communication.

                    OP , if you are living month to month , perhaps you should re think what you are spending your money on?
                    Is there a way to increase your disposable income? By paying less rent elsewhere , owning a more affordable car, reducing costs on travel , groceries etc?

                    Is your gf superficial? Is it all about the show for her? Is she not satisfied to just hang out with the man she loves on Valentineís Day? Or any other day? Or is she competing with superficial gfís?
                    Have you asked her why that day is important to her?

                    How long have you been dating?

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                    • #11
                      Sorry but this relationship is not going to work. She expects too much knowing full well you can't afford much and you don't make enough of an effort to arrange something nice within your budget. She's very materialistic and selfish, sure, but why didn't you even TRY to find a place in your budget? She could've arranged something too, it's not always about the man doing it all for the woman. It's about doing things for each other to show how much you love and care for each other. She did nothing so maybe question what she really feels for you. The communication between you is almost nil because she ain't listening to what you're saying, and this in turn is causing rifts. You have nothing but complaints about this girl (who to me is only interested in what your bank balance can do for her) so I suggest taking a break from each other and reevaluate your relationship. Ask yourself if this is how you want to live, because she clearly dont care about your money struggles. She wants what she wants regardless.
                      Last edited by Dazed & Confused; February 16th, 2019, 05:14 AM.
                      I say it as I see it. Don't take it personally!

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                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Maggiemay4791 View Post
                        Mary I disagree with your suggestion that he should apologise profusely. For what? As you say for not making an effort? What effort did she make? She bought a dress for herself , he bought her flowers.
                        So, basically she got a dress AND flowers. What did he get?
                        She bought HERSELF a dress for Valentine's Day. She spent her own money on a dress so that she would look nice on Valentine's Day. The OP brought her flowers. It doesn't say if she bought him something for Valentine's Day, but it says she feels she does a lot for him and it is not reciprocated. He should apologize for not making much of an effort for Valentine's Day. She was obviously anticipating going out somewhere to celebrate. He made no effort to do so. That's dismissive of her feelings. He should have planned something, especially since he knew she wanted to go out for Valentine's Day.

                        Roses I agree that this is a communication issue and Chanelle , I agree that when she bought the dress to wear on Valentineís Day , that the OP should have spoke up and said something like ďI canít afford a night out where that dress would be worn to , how about we cook a nice dinner together and watch a movie, if you love the dress buy it and we will go out another night when we both can afford to?Ē But again that boils down to communication.
                        He could have planned something where the dress could have been worn. It didn't need to be an expensive event.

                        OP , if you are living month to month , perhaps you should re think what you are spending your money on?
                        Is there a way to increase your disposable income? By paying less rent elsewhere , owning a more affordable car, reducing costs on travel , groceries etc?

                        Is your gf superficial? Is it all about the show for her? Is she not satisfied to just hang out with the man she loves on Valentineís Day? Or any other day? Or is she competing with superficial gfís?
                        Have you asked her why that day is important to her?

                        How long have you been dating?
                        There's nothing superficial about wanting to celebrate Valentine's Day, unless a person makes it all about showing up other people, and that is not what has been presented here. Those who make little to no effort on these special days end up dumped for someone who does make the effort. I know at least two marriages and one engagement that was ended because the husband/fiancť took his partner for granted, and made very little effort to do those special things for his partner.

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                        • #13
                          LewisH, Sorry to hear you had to endure that situation. While itís unfortunate, itís common. At the same time, women have a sense of entitlement. In no way shape or form do you owe her or any other woman material comforts. A relationship is about 2 people coming together, sharing their lives and building something together.

                          Iíll assume she sees something in you and wants to be a part of it. Thatís great. However, if she is a financial and mental drain, you will never reach your full potential with her around. There are many men who dated a woman when they had very little. They dated women who knew how to build him up. Later when he was successful they were both rewarded by his endeavors.

                          It does not sound as though she is a woman who understands partnership and how to build a man up. As much as I hate to say it, it is in your best interest to dump her. In all likelihood, she will run through a string of men. Eventually she will wake up to find no one chasing her.

                          Money is to be invested. It does not sound as though she is presenting anything to be invested in. Vagina is not a good investment. She received her vagina for free. You, on the other hand, had to work for your money. That is not an equal exchange.

                          You should check out this radio show. Itís by men who talk about relationship issues from a manís perspective. http://www.blogtalkradio.com/ted_bla...-marriage-deal

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                          • #14
                            LewisH You'll have to learn that since your income doesn't meet your partner's expectations, you need an at length conversation regarding this topic otherwise it will be a source of both of your ires for a long time. You need to nip this in the bud otherwise her dissatisfaction will continue to fester.

                            Since she knows you don't earn enough and places importance on special occasions, then both of you should reach a compromise. Do more budget friendly activities such as walks together, picnics at the park weather permitting, go to the beach, lake or outings which are cheap yet enjoyable. Try cooking together and enjoy dining in or better yet surprise her while you cook something delicious for her. Then you can place flowers or candles on the table! Rent a movie and make a yummy dessert. There are so many ways to make a person feel special without breaking the bank. You can get creative and show you care.

                            You had the perfect opportunity to speak up and give her alternative ways to celebrate VDay while you accompanied her with her dress shopping trip yet you blew your chance to explain yourself. That was your mistake.

                            Since she prefers plans for VDay or special occasions, you need to do your part by making amends if you wish for your relationship to survive with her. You're going to have to start getting creative and inventive otherwise I can foresee an eventual breakup. Some women want to celebrate VDay or special occasions (birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, etc.) and your partner is one of them. Therefore, you need to adjust and accommodate her or be with a partner who doesn't place importance on special occasions and celebrations. Those are your two choices. Either step up, make it work or get out.

                            In order to compromise, your partner needs to understand your limited income and lack of time due to work. Both of you need to meet in the middle somewhere and if not, then both of you are incompatible. Sooner or later, it won't work out and you'll both part ways due to your differences.

                            A fair compromise would be for both of you to pay your own way regarding nice restaurants. This way both of you can enjoy the dining experience without one of you going broke paying for the entire restaurant bill. Either reach an agreement or you can't continue at this rate of disagreements.

                            A red flag is that she told you she had the worst VDay, you're ungrateful, don't say nor do nice things for her yet she listed all the things she had done for you and she said she does more for you. Well, how does this make you look? You need to realize some women want a partner who shows they care in their own way. Some women are high maintenance in that way whereas some women are low maintenance and don't care about special occasions. Since VDay and special occasions are important to her, then make it special. Get creative on a budget. Say nice things, do nice things and since had done a lot for you, you should do a lot for her otherwise don't be in a relationship with her. She wants you to do your fair share. If you think this requires too much effort on your part, then exit the relationship so she can be with the type of man who will show how much he cares for her. It's the thought that counts! Apparently, she wants to be with a man where both the man and the woman does special things for each other. If you're not the type of man who shows interest and care regarding special occasions then don't be in a relationship with her. It sounds to me that both of your values are different and mismatched which won't work long term ~ unless both of you either compromise or you need to put forth more effort in your relationship with her somehow! You'll need to figure it out.

                            If you're new to relationships, know that most relationships require a selfless attitude, knowing your partner's needs and personality. In order for most relationships to succeed, it requires cooperation and concerted effort. She does a lot for you so why don't you do a lot for her? She says nice things, does nice things for you so why don't you do it for her? If you're not willing to partake in cultivating, nurturing and maintaining the relationship, then either remain by yourself or be with someone who does the least such as yourself, has limited income and time. Then you can call it fair, even and equal. Expectations are much lower and both of you will be happy.

                            If you think you don't earn enough, then be with a woman who earns the same income as yours and has less time so both of you will be more equitable. Be with a woman who doesn't say nice things, doesn't do nice things, doesn't do a lot for you, has limited income and not enough time. Then you'll be satisfied and content. Be with a woman who doesn't give anything to you or just gives you flowers and doesn't expect nor anticipate anything from you. It's less work for both of you and you'll both be on the same page. Birds of a feather flock together. Be with your own kind socioeconomically and demographically.

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