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I'm all screwed up

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  • I'm all screwed up

    I'm dating my girlfriend going on 5 years now. First, I feel it appropriate to categorize our relationship so that in this discussion we will have touchstones from which to draw on:

    The good stuff:

    1) we have the same sense of humor and generally laugh a lot in each other's company
    2) we are demonstrably affectionate in each other's company. Cuddle times are typically consensual and wanted
    3) our respective families and friends regard us in good terms
    4) we have lived together for 3 years and more or less get on quite well together
    5) we travel well together and can be in one another's presence day in day out for a month and still like one another's company

    The bad stuff:

    A) my girlfriend is a nag. While she is not critical towards me 100% of the time she probably says something critical about me at least once on a daily basis
    B) my girlfriend, I love her but she is a bit of a princess. Very particular about what she wants and will be upset when her center of gravity is affected even in the smallest of degrees.
    C) our close mutual family and friends pick up on our critical dynamic and have pointed out on several occasions that it seems like "we fight a lot" or "your GF is a bitch to you a lot" that sort of thing. My GF is often cast in a more negative light by others. This is a point of tension.
    D) while we have a good physical relationship our sex, largely, is completely bereft of passion.
    E) with respect to D) I fantasize about other women and what I would do if I were single... a lot. I feel guilty about this but these thoughts come to me whether I like them or not.
    F) my girlfriend works WAY too much. She goes to work at 6 gets home at 7 or 8. When she is home she is tired and hungry and generally not in the mood to do anything else other than read.

    Okay, so I want to expand on the "bad stuff" because this is where I am struggling now.

    A) Although I get nagged a lot, it is often in a friendly and conjolling way. At least at fist. I grew up in a kind of abusive home so I'm very much conditioned to oppressive negativity. My relationship with my girlfriend is NOT oppressive however, because I am so conditioned I am able to tolerate far more than the average person because of how I grew up. In one respect this makes us more compatible because I can tolerate her type A shit a lot more easily than most other men on the other hand even my patience wanes from time to time.
    B) I'm getting tired of constantly being the one that has to readjust my behavior. Equilibrium and peace in the home is important to me, so I'll often placate in order to find balance again. I know this isn't always healthy its just what I do.
    C) My girlfriend crossed the line the other night and nagged me in front of our friends in a way that made me uncomfortable. I confronted her and told her it was a super uncool thing to do and that I never, ever want to air our personal problems to the public again. I was pissed off. She apologized and I believe is making an effort to correct herself in public. So who knows how long that'll hold up.

    That same fight, she told me that she finds parts of my personality annoying- particularly when I'm being myself. I kind of over the top and flamboyant and she told me that when I do this it makes her uncomfortable even though all of our friends and family laugh and get into it. I told her that asking me to tamper my personality was one of the worst things she could have asked someone to do and I flatly refused to be anyone other than myself. She apologized and retracted everything she said.

    Her sister consistently takes my side and tells me that my GF does not treat me right and that I play into her princess game. I told her sister that our relationship is our business and that while we may have problems I am largely happy and can tolerate a lot. Her sister apologized and has agreed to back down. Mostly, I absolutely DO NOT want them to fight over the dynamics of our relationship which has happened a lot. I feel very guilty when something I do or don't do makes my GF out to be the bad guy and her other relationships suffer as a consequence. I took my girlfriend's side the other night and she told me later in bed that she really appreciated me sticking up for her, that people make her out to be the bad guy a lot and it really upsets her. Anyway ^ this sort of thing is an example of what's going on.

    D and E) This is probably the thing that is bothering me the most and has bothered me the longest in the past five years. By nature, I am a very romantic and physically affectionate person. I find that I thrive when there is a deep sexual chemistry and connection between me and my sexual partners. Its not that we don't have sex enough. We have sex once a week and that is plenty if only it felt passionate, like there was tension, that spark. Often she'll just get naked and its like, "ok, lets go at it". I don't like this, tell her it lacks intimacy, she tries to let me do my thing the way I want it but it feels like she is tolerating me and just wants to get right to it. I have to trick myself mentally to make things seem more passionate that it really is. I often feel sad thinking about this.. like I lost a part of my body and I can't get it back. Its just not there the way I want sex to be with us.

    I've been talking with this woman that I am very attracted to. I sense that she is attracted to me. We both have long term partners and clearly there is some kind of non-physical thing going on between us (at least on my end) because I'm feeding my soul on this chemistry as a way to cope with what I'm missing with my GF. I know its wrong. I know what I'm doing. I won't let it get physical but I don't want to stop. It's like I've been eating lettuce for five years and finally get to taste (or at least smell) the fucking steak... if that analogy make's any sense. Something in my soul is starved. I should feel guilty but I kind of don't give a shit either most of the time.

    F) My girlfriend values work way too much. We are supposed to be moving out of country together in a couple of years but honestly, looking down the line- I'm not interested in waiting on someone to get home form work for the rest of my life. I grew up really, really poor and spent a lot of my youth chasing money to make ends meet. Now that I'm an adult, I just want to be financially secure and enjoy life. We have to diametrically apposing views when it comes to work philosophy. Its not fun when the implication is that I'm a loser because I'm taking some time off to work on myself physically, mentally emotionally etc. I pay my bills, I put ZERO financial stress on her yet clearly she does not respect the fact that I am choosing not work for the next couple of months so that I can do "self care" (I hate that term but its apt).

    Anyway. There you have it folks. I'm all messed up.



  • #2
    I recommend you to dont really care about that.
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    • #3
      Thanks for the thoughtful analysis @dailprogres I really feel much better about my situation now


      • #4
        thatguy1111 Try professional couples counseling. After 5 years, it sounds like you can admit that it's not working out between you two. Either discuss it further in a calm, at-length manner and try to resolve issues with her or be resigned into knowing both of you are incompatible and it's time to go your separate ways. I hope it works out for you both but the bad stuff outweighs the good stuff.

        Since you fantasize being with other women, do your girlfriend a huge favor, cut her loose so you can be with a woman more suitable to your personality and physical needs. Also, find a girlfriend who doesn't work such long hours and can be home when you want her to be home so she's not so tired and hungry late in the evening due to her workaholic hours.
        "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."


        • #5
          On reading “the good stuff” , I thought this all sounds great and expected to read to the end and reply with positivity.
          Even reading “the bad stuff” , I thought this is salvageable.

          However, on reading , I realise that some of the points you listed in the good stuff , you actually contradicted. In other words you can cross those of your list. Particularly point 3.

          Have you actually explained how she makes you feel at times?
          Is any of her “nagging” ever justified? What does she nag about?
          Is you taking time off work eating into your leave which might mean you won’t have time to holiday with her later in the year?
          What are you going to do in that time?


          • #6
            lol that was funny. post#3
            A lot of your text is a bit over the top. If you're like this in person I can sense how annoying you might be (sorry). If she's not for you and you can pay your own bills, tell her to get lost or you get lost and enjoy your life. I don't think there needs to be any deeper analysis than what you've already offered. When individuals are lost, confused and in pain many of them are not self-actualized. You are. You get what you're about, you do defend yourself, you do have one foot out the door and you don't see your future with this person. The only thing you lack is balls. So find some balls and let her go. Be happy.
            Last edited by Rose Mosse; February 7th, 2019, 01:39 AM.


            • #7
              It's totally possible to be with someone in a way where you love each other and mostly get on, but things just feel "off". If you've been together 5 years and you already feel like you're starved of something, I think you should reevaluate your relationship. We all go through highs and lows, and relationships can have rough patches where you severely under-appreciate each other, but the foundations should always be there. It seems like your foundations are a bit rocky.


              • #8
                Having an emotional affair is the worst thing you can do. If you want to salvage anything with your gf then you need to stop contact with this other woman immediately. If you don't see a future with your gf then break up. You can't do this to her. You make yourself out to be perfect compared to your gf but you are far from it. You are rather anal and quite frankly annoying. Now you're cheating, which makes you worse than your gf.
                Last edited by Dazed & Confused; February 9th, 2019, 05:38 PM.
                I say it as I see it. Don't take it personally!


                • #9
                  It kinda sounds like this girl isn't meeting your needs and you're clearly incompatible in some areas (e.g. sexually). You have to decide whether you can accept the fact that she cannot or will not meet your needs and carry on with the relationship or part ways and try to find someone who can. It's tough leaving someone after so long but better that than losing any more years to a relationship that doesn't sound like it'll last and isn't making you entirely happy.

                  Your friendship with this new lady that you mention is a serious problem and will only drive you and your partner further apart. If you do decide to accept that she cannot meet your needs and carry on anyway, you need to remove this person from your life. The fact that you don't care and feel no guilt about this is a major red flag and not fair on your girlfriend or your relationship. How would you feel if she was talking to another guy and feeling chemistry and passion and all that jazz behind your back and felt not a speck of guilt over it?